So I've decided to get rid of my computer.
Not literally, because the wife doesn't approve. However, she did approve putting a towel over the screen, just to remind me that it's hands-off.
There's something very strange about the computer monitor. For me to just see the screen, even when it's off, I get a strong, irresistable pull towards it, like a mosquito to the zapper. It's so hard to not get away, and even when it's out of view, the joyous possibilities dance in my head like a rollercoaster that just will not end.
I am a strong-willed person, but it's hard to get away from something I've been around all of my life. I've been away from it a few times for a few periods, but I've always came back when the time was right.
Those times were usually when I had absolutely nothing but this advanced calculator. In those times, the computer was a godsend (Especially when it was my shitty laptop burning my knees while hunched over in a mexican-ish cabana to get the wifi signal at my grand aunt's house, here in san diego).
However, when I get over those hard times, it's best to switch into higher gears of potential. I waste so much time trying to finish something trivial, even retarded, on the computer, I must've spent a quarter of my life's free time doing it by now. I hunger for something much more tangible, something I consider important. It must be wired into my genes...
It's human interaction and social development!
The more I spend on the computer, the more I realize things are so marginalized, even commercialized. The most advanced AI games I've played (from RTS's to Chess) all have a feeling of procedure to them. It's very numbing. Even if the game defeats me, I am still able recognize the procedure to it. And that's if I can get used to how the (in fact, ANY) game uses their storyline to show off their game engine.
Finally, I detest how so much energy has been used and so many resources have been ripped from the Earth so that I can isolate from, instead of participate in, my environment, which contributes and nutures my wellbeing. It's a shame.
Like I've said before, I've been off of the computer for long periods of time (months) before, but usually something happens where I forget, or disaster strikes and I have nothing again (and then I need it to keep my spirits up, and then I eventually forget that the computer is a bad drug). So, the balance swings.
This time, I was dirt poor, working two jobs, and supporting another. Worked so hard, worked into the night, I forgot so much! I used the computer to calm my frazzled nerves and leave my crushing world.
In that context, the computer was very good. However, in the long run, it was bad for having me leave my world. I should've fixed the real problem and restored my world!
Whatever the case is, I'm starting to come back together again. It's strange how this happens to me! I feel nothing in me, and I keep wishing a calling would pull me back together, but nothing comes over me. So, I just do what I do.
Suddenly, one day, it'll just come all over me. It's almost forced on me, like a growth spurt. I have no choice but to grow. A calling will come over me, and I'll know the way. I remember who I was, and who I am, and what I really want.
Anyway, I feel the urge and excitement so strongly of what to do that I want to outright get rid of the computer. That's what I feel I'm being told to do. However, Alisha won't let me. Since I make all of the money in the house, I could, but I've always learned that I've never been in more trouble than when I try to control another, so I'm keeping it around. Perhaps it has a purpose.
So, because it is never really going to be gone, it's mostly at my discretion to rid la computadora from my life. Sometimes, there's a good reason to be on it. Writing in my blog, for example, would be a good reason. Most of the time, however, there is no good reason. I intend to rarely be on the internet, and on those times that I do, there will be a specific purpose and no other.
Anyway, as for myself, I'm resorting my life. Alisha, who has been going to school full time, will be taking a part time job (and will do full time work later, with no schooling). I'm in transition for going to school more than 1.5 time. I've had a lot of stress with money lately (which has put a toll on Alisha), but Alisha has helped me work that out, and now I realize that everything will be alright. It's only the deadlines that I set that get my stressed cranked through the roof.
It's always the deadlines that get me stressed, and negative, and an awful person. I thank the Heavens that I found as patient a teacher as she. She's really developing me into a higher state of understanding, if only for myself.
Anyway, I have to go to work tomorrow, so I have to sleep.
However, I want to write more about how I discovered that being happy in your occupation, and just plain being a happy person is a mandatory responsibility in our world. It's not a good thing; it's something we have to be to be in harmony, to live longer, and to invoke a positive change on our environment.
Anyway, I spilled probably too much, but I want to remember what it was that I said, so bean spilling works well. Take care!
Thursday, November 1
Tuesday, October 2
Reaffirmations
Before I rest my tired eyes for the night, now that life has started to be easier like it was in the first half of 2006, I want to reaffirm one thing I had forgotten: I hate computers.
I get so bored by the time I'm done using them at the end of the day. This past week (in which I was sick for a good part), I wanted nothing more than to be outside, doing something fun with people.
It's curious to me how, sometimes, it takes an intense amount of thought and consideration to conclude what most people already know, or even take for granted.
I hope to be doing something else with my spare time soon -- and to capture my friends in the exodus.
I get so bored by the time I'm done using them at the end of the day. This past week (in which I was sick for a good part), I wanted nothing more than to be outside, doing something fun with people.
It's curious to me how, sometimes, it takes an intense amount of thought and consideration to conclude what most people already know, or even take for granted.
I hope to be doing something else with my spare time soon -- and to capture my friends in the exodus.
Wednesday, September 26
Just a few thoughts before they are wiped off like sand
What is my relationship to all things? For example, what is my relationship to myself, to others, my health, my growth, and so forth?
Why is it that I tend to consider my relationships only when they are relevant (and therefore egocentric)? Why can't I consider another person's relationship to an object?
Why is it that life seems to flow easily for some, yet be difficult for others? Why are there trying times and coasting times? Is it a pairing of happiness creating things (a mental high from, for example, a delicious steak, alcohol, sex, and high self-worth) vs pain causing things? Is that what makes times feel easy or "happy"?
Why is there a "flow", and why is everything so much easier when you "go" with it, even when it's not the best way (maybe it is in the short term, but not long term)? For example, eating at fast food, or using coal-based electricity?
Why can't we all just communicate, and quit using secondary (3rd party) sources for information? Do as I do, not as I say...
Why am I incompatible with others (or is it just an illusion to myself)?
Why is it that I tend to consider my relationships only when they are relevant (and therefore egocentric)? Why can't I consider another person's relationship to an object?
Why is it that life seems to flow easily for some, yet be difficult for others? Why are there trying times and coasting times? Is it a pairing of happiness creating things (a mental high from, for example, a delicious steak, alcohol, sex, and high self-worth) vs pain causing things? Is that what makes times feel easy or "happy"?
Why is there a "flow", and why is everything so much easier when you "go" with it, even when it's not the best way (maybe it is in the short term, but not long term)? For example, eating at fast food, or using coal-based electricity?
Why can't we all just communicate, and quit using secondary (3rd party) sources for information? Do as I do, not as I say...
Why am I incompatible with others (or is it just an illusion to myself)?
Thursday, August 2
A quick Retrospective
I woke up this morning, thinking that I should take a few minutes to write here. Though I have no internet and I have to go to work soon, I decided to run over to a community college not far from here and pour what I can in a few minutes.
So much has changed since last year. Ever since I made it to San Diego, life has been hard. I've never had it as rough as I did last August (until February). I was doing school and work, losing money even though I was more efficient than most anyone I know. I was eating macaroni and cheese, and never sure what was in store for me.
It was almost as if the world was belittling me!
A sort of purgatory was in store for me when I finally let go of UCSD. I picked up my second job at Jack-in-the-Box, and worked my butt off (going from one job to another) just to make sure I had enough to survive.
That was a really scary time! I can't believe I made it through. I still wonder if I've been scathed by it, somehow...
By February 14th, the burn out left my body a dead husk. I hadn't experienced any play for over half a year. It was awful. Alisha sure did suffer -- she moved down in December, and was the only thing really keeping me going. She finally convinced me to quit the hospital job (we were doing well enough), and begin recovering.
I tried to recover, but I learned that creativity (which, to me, is the highest form of entertainment) does not come back easily. I learned that sleeplessness and stress can really fade some memories. I've forgotten so much -- it's like sand that has shifted. The form is kind of there, but it's not so distinguished.
Anyway, I was still living in a living room by then, but I had gotten enough stuff that a cramped quarters behind a shower curtain (with 2 free beds, free chest of drawers, a computer, and a rack full of clothes) just did not do. So, we moved.
But not before getting married.
We spent all of April and May looking for a studio. I pulled overtime in March. I also started doing night shifts at Jack-in-the-box. The rotation required me to.
One thing I learned during this time is that not very many people in my department eat Jack-in-the-Box! That was kind of relief. I know I haven't eaten there since December. I just don't think fast food is a healthy thing to eat.
Mainly, I notice that my job involves helping teenagers and latin american folks. It's really cool to do the job that I do, though I wish it were in a different industry...
anyway, I'm going on a tangent, and I'm almost out of time.
We finally found a place a few blocks from a community college. It's also close to san diego state, and a few miles from JIB. I convinced Alisha to pick up a job, and she does what she loves to do -- take care of child at a daycare. She's going to school full time, and working part time, and I'm working full time and doing school part time.
we are currently in transition towards sustainability. I'm getting my bike fixed up, and we're going to use the car only when we need to haul lots of groceries. Also, We have figured out how to get by with only two fans instead of air conditioning (a lot of people down here have their air conditioners cranked). In addition, I pack my lunches with lots of wonderful yummy fruits and vegetables from a local market that we found (not far from here)
I really have to go now, but I wanted to say what this all should lead up to: I haven't forgotten my mission. I am down here, in the bowels of hell, to graduate with a degree, and then get out.
And I will.
(one more thing: This place is a real eye-opener of what the real world is. This place, like many cities, shows the macroeconomical scale of how things are done. It is also very hot down here, like hell, and it's also denigrating to Mexicans. It's crazy how only a few miles away, some people are forced into impoverished conditions by a fence. Anyway...)
So much has changed since last year. Ever since I made it to San Diego, life has been hard. I've never had it as rough as I did last August (until February). I was doing school and work, losing money even though I was more efficient than most anyone I know. I was eating macaroni and cheese, and never sure what was in store for me.
It was almost as if the world was belittling me!
A sort of purgatory was in store for me when I finally let go of UCSD. I picked up my second job at Jack-in-the-Box, and worked my butt off (going from one job to another) just to make sure I had enough to survive.
That was a really scary time! I can't believe I made it through. I still wonder if I've been scathed by it, somehow...
By February 14th, the burn out left my body a dead husk. I hadn't experienced any play for over half a year. It was awful. Alisha sure did suffer -- she moved down in December, and was the only thing really keeping me going. She finally convinced me to quit the hospital job (we were doing well enough), and begin recovering.
I tried to recover, but I learned that creativity (which, to me, is the highest form of entertainment) does not come back easily. I learned that sleeplessness and stress can really fade some memories. I've forgotten so much -- it's like sand that has shifted. The form is kind of there, but it's not so distinguished.
Anyway, I was still living in a living room by then, but I had gotten enough stuff that a cramped quarters behind a shower curtain (with 2 free beds, free chest of drawers, a computer, and a rack full of clothes) just did not do. So, we moved.
But not before getting married.
We spent all of April and May looking for a studio. I pulled overtime in March. I also started doing night shifts at Jack-in-the-box. The rotation required me to.
One thing I learned during this time is that not very many people in my department eat Jack-in-the-Box! That was kind of relief. I know I haven't eaten there since December. I just don't think fast food is a healthy thing to eat.
Mainly, I notice that my job involves helping teenagers and latin american folks. It's really cool to do the job that I do, though I wish it were in a different industry...
anyway, I'm going on a tangent, and I'm almost out of time.
We finally found a place a few blocks from a community college. It's also close to san diego state, and a few miles from JIB. I convinced Alisha to pick up a job, and she does what she loves to do -- take care of child at a daycare. She's going to school full time, and working part time, and I'm working full time and doing school part time.
we are currently in transition towards sustainability. I'm getting my bike fixed up, and we're going to use the car only when we need to haul lots of groceries. Also, We have figured out how to get by with only two fans instead of air conditioning (a lot of people down here have their air conditioners cranked). In addition, I pack my lunches with lots of wonderful yummy fruits and vegetables from a local market that we found (not far from here)
I really have to go now, but I wanted to say what this all should lead up to: I haven't forgotten my mission. I am down here, in the bowels of hell, to graduate with a degree, and then get out.
And I will.
(one more thing: This place is a real eye-opener of what the real world is. This place, like many cities, shows the macroeconomical scale of how things are done. It is also very hot down here, like hell, and it's also denigrating to Mexicans. It's crazy how only a few miles away, some people are forced into impoverished conditions by a fence. Anyway...)
Thursday, May 10
Cool idea #ballion bajillion
Set up oceanic windmills and hydro generators in the carribean to generate electricity out of the heat that tends to build up prior to a hurricane (I understand that the water stagnates there for a time, but there are ways to "stir the pot").
It seems to me that we're evolving our planet into a gigantoid machine. If we aren't able to restore it to the way it was, we may as well do our best in transitioning it correctly.
Whatever happened to when bread and water was enough for the masses? Jeezus.
It seems to me that we're evolving our planet into a gigantoid machine. If we aren't able to restore it to the way it was, we may as well do our best in transitioning it correctly.
Whatever happened to when bread and water was enough for the masses? Jeezus.
Monday, April 16
Pulling back together
So I'm working the Night shift at Jack-in-the-Box now. I'm noticing that the fatigue I get from staying up late is very similar to the fatigue that I carry around on many a day. I'm noticing that I must be heavily sleep deprived. I'm kind of grateful for the night shift because it's busting me from my light sensitivity problem (where, no matter how late I stay up, the slightest hint of dawn wakes me up from the dead).
This night shift should go on for only 4 months, however, what I do with my summer is up in the air.
Honestly, I feel as though I'm wasting my time. I need the money for college, but I'm tired of working 40 hours a week at jobs that I don't care about. I feel that I'm literally watching every precious second of my valuable life squandered away, one moment at a time. Can you imagine the tragedy of living an entire life, one instant at a time, doing the things you don't care about?
I feel backed up against a wall, though. I still remember what it was like, only 4 months ago, to have just clothes, a bike, a pot, pan, bowl, fork, spoon, knife, and a dying laptop to carry me through (oh, and an Ipod that was given to me...)
I don't enjoy my days off. I get bored. When I'm at work, I get stressed. It's all retarded. Boredom complemented with stress is a recipe for disaster, too.
For boredom, the past 2 weeks, I've devoted three days to playing video games. Every time I finish playing, though, I feel so horrible. I don't like playing video games at all -- at least, the way I'm playing them. I feel like I just wasted a precious part of me. Spent good time on nothing. I did not enjoy it. I did not find the time spent to be meaningful.
The internet has turned rancid on me as well. At work, when I'm trying to just get through the day at a place that I think is despicable, I surf, and surf, and surf. There's nothing but garbage online, though. I've known that since I started my news-addiction back in 2001 (and have never been very happy since).
The only thing that I do enjoy is hanging out with Alisha. Actually, it's more like hanging out with people. I need the connection. In fact, I'm certain that video games have only been fun for me when I play with other people. The videogame itself is rather meaningless -- it's the connection I share with others (I've noticed that I cook instead of play video games with others).
Though, that's not all true. I want to spend time with others doing things that I enjoy doing. I want to grow. I want to get out and work with others to get things done. I want to have fun doing it (I'm afraid watching a movie or making love do not satisfy me at all). I love creating and sharing. Even if it's crap. ESPECIALLY if it's crap. That's the jewel of humanity. Crap.
So here's what I want. I want to stop browsing the internet and playing video games by myself. I want to stop working where I don't care about. I want to quit squandering my precious youth on the things that don't matter. Instead, I want to create, share, interact, and be active. I need to participate in this world, not drown it out!
When I get out of this job, I am going to figure out a way to stop spending time on the net. Drop off of it, or at least minimalize my experience. I want to read. I want to write. I want to paint and sing and play and surf and not give a damn. I want to combine work with play. I don't want to be the guy who, at the end of his life, declared "If I had just put in one more hour of overtime". I'm running out of time!
I will always be responsible, though...
why must I experience so much pain before I change my ways?!?? I know that, even when I get upset enough to change course, I will not change to the extent that I know is good for me, and I have a bad habit of forgetting what happened in the past, instead falling into a comfort zone (and when I decide to venture out of the zone, I'm always in for a very painful awakening).
Anyway, I'm still very much sleep deprived, and now I think the benadryl has been coursing through my brains for quite a while now (I am so numb, yet so in pain, that I barely notice anything -- even pain. What a train wreck)
In some ways, I'm so glad for this Night shift. I will not have anywhere to go at night, Alisha will not demand anything save sleep from me, and I will have nothing to do. I remember the depressing boredom I had back in August, and I realize I'm at the start of experiencing that if I choose to be lazy (though now I'm working, which will give me breaks). I do need time to be alone, so I can get myself back together, figure out who I am again, what I'm doing, why I haven't been myself for 10 months (I was so happy and carefree before. I was my truer self. Where did it go? Perhaps it was when I stopped taking my life into my own hands).
In any case, I got to start working for myself. Start outreaching. Stop this trainwreck.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
This night shift should go on for only 4 months, however, what I do with my summer is up in the air.
Honestly, I feel as though I'm wasting my time. I need the money for college, but I'm tired of working 40 hours a week at jobs that I don't care about. I feel that I'm literally watching every precious second of my valuable life squandered away, one moment at a time. Can you imagine the tragedy of living an entire life, one instant at a time, doing the things you don't care about?
I feel backed up against a wall, though. I still remember what it was like, only 4 months ago, to have just clothes, a bike, a pot, pan, bowl, fork, spoon, knife, and a dying laptop to carry me through (oh, and an Ipod that was given to me...)
I don't enjoy my days off. I get bored. When I'm at work, I get stressed. It's all retarded. Boredom complemented with stress is a recipe for disaster, too.
For boredom, the past 2 weeks, I've devoted three days to playing video games. Every time I finish playing, though, I feel so horrible. I don't like playing video games at all -- at least, the way I'm playing them. I feel like I just wasted a precious part of me. Spent good time on nothing. I did not enjoy it. I did not find the time spent to be meaningful.
The internet has turned rancid on me as well. At work, when I'm trying to just get through the day at a place that I think is despicable, I surf, and surf, and surf. There's nothing but garbage online, though. I've known that since I started my news-addiction back in 2001 (and have never been very happy since).
The only thing that I do enjoy is hanging out with Alisha. Actually, it's more like hanging out with people. I need the connection. In fact, I'm certain that video games have only been fun for me when I play with other people. The videogame itself is rather meaningless -- it's the connection I share with others (I've noticed that I cook instead of play video games with others).
Though, that's not all true. I want to spend time with others doing things that I enjoy doing. I want to grow. I want to get out and work with others to get things done. I want to have fun doing it (I'm afraid watching a movie or making love do not satisfy me at all). I love creating and sharing. Even if it's crap. ESPECIALLY if it's crap. That's the jewel of humanity. Crap.
So here's what I want. I want to stop browsing the internet and playing video games by myself. I want to stop working where I don't care about. I want to quit squandering my precious youth on the things that don't matter. Instead, I want to create, share, interact, and be active. I need to participate in this world, not drown it out!
When I get out of this job, I am going to figure out a way to stop spending time on the net. Drop off of it, or at least minimalize my experience. I want to read. I want to write. I want to paint and sing and play and surf and not give a damn. I want to combine work with play. I don't want to be the guy who, at the end of his life, declared "If I had just put in one more hour of overtime". I'm running out of time!
I will always be responsible, though...
why must I experience so much pain before I change my ways?!?? I know that, even when I get upset enough to change course, I will not change to the extent that I know is good for me, and I have a bad habit of forgetting what happened in the past, instead falling into a comfort zone (and when I decide to venture out of the zone, I'm always in for a very painful awakening).
Anyway, I'm still very much sleep deprived, and now I think the benadryl has been coursing through my brains for quite a while now (I am so numb, yet so in pain, that I barely notice anything -- even pain. What a train wreck)
In some ways, I'm so glad for this Night shift. I will not have anywhere to go at night, Alisha will not demand anything save sleep from me, and I will have nothing to do. I remember the depressing boredom I had back in August, and I realize I'm at the start of experiencing that if I choose to be lazy (though now I'm working, which will give me breaks). I do need time to be alone, so I can get myself back together, figure out who I am again, what I'm doing, why I haven't been myself for 10 months (I was so happy and carefree before. I was my truer self. Where did it go? Perhaps it was when I stopped taking my life into my own hands).
In any case, I got to start working for myself. Start outreaching. Stop this trainwreck.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Saturday, March 10
just a thought
I recognize that my writing skills are horrid lately but I just wanted to write down this one thought.
I went for a run last night, and I started to think about how a person's environment manipulates the character of an individual, though the individual has some way to feedback a bit and modify the manipulator.
I thought about how a plant will respond to it's environment. If a gardener give the plant food, water, and sun, the plant is pretty much forced to grow. If a gardener does not give those necessities, the plant has no choice but to not grow, wither, and die.
Much in the same way that a few factors can determine plant growth, I was thinking about how our environment (culture, geography, technology, everything) manipulates us, just like a gardener, into becoming the individual that we have been, are, and will grow to be. I'm also thinking about how past experiences can hinder or exacerbate the current conditions of the environment (if you are experienced in handling verbal conflict, it'll be much easier to handle the next argument you encounter than for someone who does not)
I'm thinking of how interesting it must be for children, who have no experience, to grow from the environment-gardener.
Just a thought. Time to get ready for work.
I went for a run last night, and I started to think about how a person's environment manipulates the character of an individual, though the individual has some way to feedback a bit and modify the manipulator.
I thought about how a plant will respond to it's environment. If a gardener give the plant food, water, and sun, the plant is pretty much forced to grow. If a gardener does not give those necessities, the plant has no choice but to not grow, wither, and die.
Much in the same way that a few factors can determine plant growth, I was thinking about how our environment (culture, geography, technology, everything) manipulates us, just like a gardener, into becoming the individual that we have been, are, and will grow to be. I'm also thinking about how past experiences can hinder or exacerbate the current conditions of the environment (if you are experienced in handling verbal conflict, it'll be much easier to handle the next argument you encounter than for someone who does not)
I'm thinking of how interesting it must be for children, who have no experience, to grow from the environment-gardener.
Just a thought. Time to get ready for work.
A molting point in life
I don't know why springtime is my time of year.
At least, I didn't pick it to be. But, somehow, springtime is the time of year when I start coming back to life. I'd like to venture a guess that it's the sun coming out earlier each morning, but I really don't know. It could be that the fruit of my labors over fall and winter starts to bear in the spring. Whatever the case may be, year after year springtime is the time when my life starts coming together.
This year, Springtime is the time when I'm getting enough rest, both in sheer hours slept and in the quality of sleep. I've been told by quite a few people now that the color in my face is returning.
I'm starting to do leisure activities, too. This last Tuesday, I spent a day at SeaWorld. The week before that, I went to the Birch Aquarium at Scripps. I have never had the time to go to either between September and early February because every second mattered -- everything that I did was supposed to be done "yesterday", so to speak, and failure was always biting at my heels.
I fucking hated running my life like that.
I don't know how to not get stuck in a position like that again, but I hope that's the last time I experience something like that.
Anyway, with sleep has come back the memories and, ultimately, my identity. Things that I had forgotten like an Alzheimer's patient are coming back. I'm able to vividly recall experiences again. It's amazing how sleep deprivation blunts the mind. I continue to wonder if any significant damage to my memories has been caused, however.
One thing I have been noticing is that my dreams are becoming more meaningful. The past two days, I haven't been able to sleep much because I've been able to snooze so much over the past 2 weeks, and so I nap in and nap out, which makes me remember the dreams that I have (I think the lack of sleep lately is due to my body freaking out over getting more sleep than its been used to for the past 8 months).
I have dreams of most all of the people I used to know. Close friends, old friends, acquaintances from long ago and from yesterday. This all sounds vague...
I guess what sticks out in my head that these dreams echo in me are the memories of CyberTribe and the people I worked and had fun with, of being in my first relationship, of friends who stuck close to me during hard times, of people who took me in when I needed it, and so forth.
To be even more specific (because I've always been told it's terrible to be vague), lately I've been having dreams of Paul, Erin, Jeremiah, Marcus & Laurie (Paul's parents), Katie Von Kelso, Megan, Evan Henderson, Evan Needham, Dave (who was in a short film that I worked on back in '01), Jamie, Kyle, and Ian, Sam Zublin-Meyer, Alex Hockinson (I hear that some magnificent changes are in his life), Shane, PM, Soloman, Nicole and her crew, Trevor Kieber, Katie Bob, Richard the Japanese teacher, Alisha, my brother Ben, the KKDS crew, and many others (some who play minor roles in the dreams, and others who won't leave me alone).
Don't ask me how these people interact in the dreams, but they do -- with each other, and with me. I miss you all...
I know, though, that those times will never come back. Time has a funny way of progressing and changing everything. So, I've figured that what would be best is to seek out new experiences rather than dwell on the good ol' days. I can't seem to go about that right now, but when I'm done working all the time, it's one of the first things I plan to do.
Since I'm on the topic of social stuff, I'd like to point out that I noticed a change in me two days ago. I'm finding that I'm just too far away from the people I knew, and that i've been gone for far too long, and now people are drifting away.
I think I discovered this when I started making my rounds of calls during my lunch about 2 days ago (there's that 2 number again. Hmm...) for the past 2... weeks, I have been calling people and I either don't get a response or people are busy, or what-have-you. It sunk in that 2 days ago. So now, I don't bother calling anybody anymore. I just go read a book or something. But it made me think about life's changes like that.
It's like I'm disconnecting from my old self and starting anew. This is not the first time it has happened, nor is it something I can stop. Heh, this makes me think of parallels of other life-forms... take, for example, a snake. Snakes have to molt out of their old skin and into a better fitting skin. I believe it's the same for me. My social aspect is undergoing a molt right now.
Anyway, I'm losing people as I think about them more. That's OK. Some things you have to give up.
As a side note, one reason I applied for this computer job was to make more friends. I'm tired of the low-paid, grouchy woman that I have no connection to.
At least, I didn't pick it to be. But, somehow, springtime is the time of year when I start coming back to life. I'd like to venture a guess that it's the sun coming out earlier each morning, but I really don't know. It could be that the fruit of my labors over fall and winter starts to bear in the spring. Whatever the case may be, year after year springtime is the time when my life starts coming together.
This year, Springtime is the time when I'm getting enough rest, both in sheer hours slept and in the quality of sleep. I've been told by quite a few people now that the color in my face is returning.
I'm starting to do leisure activities, too. This last Tuesday, I spent a day at SeaWorld. The week before that, I went to the Birch Aquarium at Scripps. I have never had the time to go to either between September and early February because every second mattered -- everything that I did was supposed to be done "yesterday", so to speak, and failure was always biting at my heels.
I fucking hated running my life like that.
I don't know how to not get stuck in a position like that again, but I hope that's the last time I experience something like that.
Anyway, with sleep has come back the memories and, ultimately, my identity. Things that I had forgotten like an Alzheimer's patient are coming back. I'm able to vividly recall experiences again. It's amazing how sleep deprivation blunts the mind. I continue to wonder if any significant damage to my memories has been caused, however.
One thing I have been noticing is that my dreams are becoming more meaningful. The past two days, I haven't been able to sleep much because I've been able to snooze so much over the past 2 weeks, and so I nap in and nap out, which makes me remember the dreams that I have (I think the lack of sleep lately is due to my body freaking out over getting more sleep than its been used to for the past 8 months).
I have dreams of most all of the people I used to know. Close friends, old friends, acquaintances from long ago and from yesterday. This all sounds vague...
I guess what sticks out in my head that these dreams echo in me are the memories of CyberTribe and the people I worked and had fun with, of being in my first relationship, of friends who stuck close to me during hard times, of people who took me in when I needed it, and so forth.
To be even more specific (because I've always been told it's terrible to be vague), lately I've been having dreams of Paul, Erin, Jeremiah, Marcus & Laurie (Paul's parents), Katie Von Kelso, Megan, Evan Henderson, Evan Needham, Dave (who was in a short film that I worked on back in '01), Jamie, Kyle, and Ian, Sam Zublin-Meyer, Alex Hockinson (I hear that some magnificent changes are in his life), Shane, PM, Soloman, Nicole and her crew, Trevor Kieber, Katie Bob, Richard the Japanese teacher, Alisha, my brother Ben, the KKDS crew, and many others (some who play minor roles in the dreams, and others who won't leave me alone).
Don't ask me how these people interact in the dreams, but they do -- with each other, and with me. I miss you all...
I know, though, that those times will never come back. Time has a funny way of progressing and changing everything. So, I've figured that what would be best is to seek out new experiences rather than dwell on the good ol' days. I can't seem to go about that right now, but when I'm done working all the time, it's one of the first things I plan to do.
Since I'm on the topic of social stuff, I'd like to point out that I noticed a change in me two days ago. I'm finding that I'm just too far away from the people I knew, and that i've been gone for far too long, and now people are drifting away.
I think I discovered this when I started making my rounds of calls during my lunch about 2 days ago (there's that 2 number again. Hmm...) for the past 2... weeks, I have been calling people and I either don't get a response or people are busy, or what-have-you. It sunk in that 2 days ago. So now, I don't bother calling anybody anymore. I just go read a book or something. But it made me think about life's changes like that.
It's like I'm disconnecting from my old self and starting anew. This is not the first time it has happened, nor is it something I can stop. Heh, this makes me think of parallels of other life-forms... take, for example, a snake. Snakes have to molt out of their old skin and into a better fitting skin. I believe it's the same for me. My social aspect is undergoing a molt right now.
Anyway, I'm losing people as I think about them more. That's OK. Some things you have to give up.
As a side note, one reason I applied for this computer job was to make more friends. I'm tired of the low-paid, grouchy woman that I have no connection to.
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