Eheh. It's been too long since I've written. A LOT has happened since I last wrote. For a long time, I have wanted to write in here regularly, but I've been so gosh darn busy with life. I have to be busy so that my father and my workplace don't bother me. Both make me do a lot of work, and my father gets frustrated when I'm not trying hard enough in school. He wants me out of the house...
Anyway, I'm going to try and recap everything that I have done since October, though it's impossible to do so. So many good things, awesome experiences, and endings and beginnings have happened... I just wish I had written about them around the time that they had happened so that I could communicate the feeling.
Sometimes, I get this crazy idea to draw simple pictures of featureless figures using the color burgundy, a light shade of grade, and black, to illustrate so-called "eras" in my life. Pictures can say so many words in such small amounts of space.
As a quick overview before I go into the nitty gritty details, last fall was a so-called "downstroke" for me. Everything seemed like it was going downhill. I regressed a bit in terms of my rate of accomplishments, and that made me depressed.
In general, though, I always get depressed in the fall and overly positive in the spring. I think that's weird since that sort of thing is supposed to peak in the winter, when it actually peaks in the middle of fall.
So I went down emotionally for a little while back in the late fall. However, Meghannraye, and to a certain extent, PM and Evan helped keep me together.
I just felt like I was going nowhere. That wasn't true, and I knew that, but i couldn't help but feel that way. I just felt like I wasn't trying hard enough.
Anyway, in the fall, I spent a lot of time pricing items, and got really good at finding more clothes on the cheap, as well as top of the line electronics (at that time) for nothing! To name a few, I bought a 16x dvd burner for $40, as well as a 160 gig hard drive for the same price.
But other than that, I just felt dead. I know why that is now (it's my job). Every day, I'd come home, and I'd just fall asleep. I'd be exhausted from being stressed out but not moving around. My dad tried to help me (which, by the way, my relationship between me and him improved dramatically over the fall) but nothing worked. I'd just be too tired.
I read what I wrote about my speech class, and I'd like to say that that wasn't really the truth. The truth was that I was so discouraged by the teacher that I left. The deadline to drop a class was approaching, as was my first full blown speech. The thing was, when I signed up for that class, I was planning on it being a lot of fun and a great way to communicate. Over the summer, I would literally spend entire days just talking to people because I had such a large volume of people to check up on and be checked up on by (which was great). I had literally turned into a social machine.
But, after the teacher started attacking everybody who went up there (making fun of speaker in front of the audience, as well as privately criticizing everybody), my self confidence was shattered. It hurt me right in the gut when the teacher gave me back my critique telling me that my topic was not in sync with what she wanted (she wanted a media article published on the day I was born that had something to do with my life today. I did my car accident (which linked with a car accident article)). I was spared the embarrassment of being mocked on stage, and a lot of people went so far as to say that I really connected with them, but that teacher...
Folks, please remember that everybody's self confidence is like an frail, overloaded boat, ready to sink. If you should criticize somebody on an aspect (can be anything)when they give their best effort to try to improve that aspect, you utterly destroy them -- you sink the boat.
To sum up: Stick and stones may break bones, but words shatter souls.
And that's what happened to me. Not so much that I was criticized, but just seeing my peers being beaten by this mean lady.
So, I quit and took astronomy instead, which is something I love and proved to be refreshing for me. It was more refreshing than home, where I was playing video games to medicate my depression (video games -> forget what's going on around me, though that does no good because I'm just falling behind in life)
I didn't really make new friends that semester. Strangely, the only new friends I made were females.
I value guy friends more than female friends, and I wish I could say that I have made some more guy friends since the summer. But I recognize why I'm not making guy friends. My attitude is starting to change where I'm inflexible, and in this world where all males want to be the alpha male, the tension of me and others is too great.
But, on the flip side, I've picked up lots of women as friends. I don't think I like this, though. Women are a pain in the ass to deal with. Seriously! They take work -- in a sense, you have to be biased towards what they want and it's way too easy to tromp all over them and their egos.
So, anyway, while I regressed, I spent a LOT of time with Meghannraye until the end of December. We really should've been boyfriend/girlfriend (everyone, including my mentor, told me I should) but now things have died down and it's not such a good idea anymore. Furthermore, do I want such tension, when I know that I'm going to move away to Japan in the near future?
What the hell. Throw it all to the wind. That's what living is all about. You only get to live once...
So, to sum up November, I spent a lot of time with Meg, as well as Evan. I'd spend breakfast club with them, or just be at Trinidad surfing, and so forth. Apart from them, I continued to regress by playing video games.
I hate video games. I feel so limited playing them, (there's only certain things that are possible to do, and other things are left out) and I don't feel like my life is improving when playing them. And it shows because... I really don't have much more to say about November, other than I spent quite a bit of time with my family.
Hmm... I feel like I'm rambling right now. I think i'm saying the same things over and over and over... It's 1:30 in the morning (I'm NEVER up at this hour) and I'm tired. (I think I'm going to go to bed)
But, this is a start. Now that I've begun writing, I will try to continue writing. It will improve, I can triple guarantee you that!
In this universe, there's no such thing as a second chance, Only opportunities. Once you forego an opportunity, it's gone forever. It's up to you to not let this happen!
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