Lately i've been thinking about charisma. As I pop my neck with my hands, I think about how people acquire such a thing. I desire this sort of "charm", and have been devising ways to acquire it. First off, I've been talking to people that i've never talked to, face-to-face, and so far it has been working. The first time of the two i practiced this was with a girl who was just sitting across from me, doing her astronomy. I decided I wanted to strike up a conversation since i have already been in astronomy class, but the problem was that I didn't have anything to say to her. So, as I did my math, thinking about what to say to her relating to astronomy, the usual awkward silence and etiquette that two people who know not of one another ensued. Finally, I decided to say something about Pedicino. Jon Pedicino, the astronomy teacher, is a very interesting guy who goes out of his way to create fun stories that educate at the same time. As I came up to the bat, looking her in the eyes and uttering syllables, I realized I didn't exactly know what to say to her about Pedicino (actually i asked her what her opinion of him was with a very awkward sentence). After she responded with the expected response of enjoying his lectures, I realized I didn't have anything else to throw out there! And so a very uncomfortable silence, with eyes locking on one another ensued. My cheeks reddened really bad in embarrassment(in fact, they had started reddening when said the first syllable of my not-well-planned sentence), and i thought she thought i was trying to flirt with her and was looking dorky. However, an external, unplanned variable came to the rescue: a classmate of mine in Meteorology (me and her are taking meteorology). I didn't know she was in my class, but she energized the conversation by talking to me and getting advice about Pedicino and his tests (since she's never had Pedicino as a teacher before). I came out looking knowledgeable AND discovering TWO people in one conversation! Me and her ended up talking about the search for jobs and life in general.
Before anyone screams foul at me due to me being dedicated to a single aisuru, I should say that i'm only trying to build up a large group of friends, fast, and nothing more. I'm completely happy with the love of my life and am not pursuing anyone else, relationship-wise (although she may pursue other people, which is fine with me). I've never been able to really warm up quickly to people, as i used to always just sit back and watch people interact with others, learning more and more about them. If i found someone's behavior/intellectual ability satisfiable, I would s-l-o-w-l-y try to interject myself into their life. this is because of the aforementioned "I don't know what to ask this person" problem. I simply don't know what to say to people to get conversations rolling, and so the slow interjecting technique became the technique that I employed during the Jeremiah-era, when it was all important to me to find only certain individuals who were going to propel me higher in life. I was looking for people who were strong-willed, intelligent and powerful. I was not looking for people with noticeable social or intellectual flaws, as moving around to different parts of the U.S. necessitated that i find only the friends that were going to count in my life. All other people were insignificant (I spent less time analyzing them to figure out what conversations to strike up).
But times have changed. Everybody has flaws, me being more flawed than most in certain respects. I am fine with this. In addition, while keeping only those people that count intellectually (and are in a position of power) has a lot of benefits that help you to build yourself up intellectually and keep a mindset of acquiring power, I found later in life that I was endeavoring my mad scheme of the best-and-brightest so that i can propel myself.... where? I have nowhere to go. No new intellectual level to ascend to (there is no set defined level, and after a certain amount, additional knowledge turns into trivia). I know that I have achieved an intellectual level that will allow me to do anything I want to do if I try, and my body has the capacity to be one of the strongest if i so desire, but where do i want to go? Suddenly all that acquired power and intellectual ability becomes useless; only meaningful in that it adds a little spicing to your vocabulary or knowledge, which attracts other intelligent people people and deters others. This is not to say that I don't have dreams, which i have many, but that there was absolutely no reason to brefriend and continue the tediuos chore of keeping in touch with all these people. I can achieve all my dreams without them (though i still keep in touch with most of them since i have built a bond with them), and, while i was getting an overdose on knowledge, i was getting underdosed on other aspects of life. Aspects that people who are not so smart as these "knowledgeable" people knew and could teach me.
I like to think that everyone I know is a teacher of some sort, and i try to analyze everything they do.
A question that perpetually gnaws on me is this: Should I continue to smarten up and begin to strengthen myself up in order to not waste the potential that is there? It doesn't matter in the long run. However, I like to grow. And so, I continue to learn. (I haven't really tried to physically strengthen myself in quite a while. I will eventually, however. I love the feeling of pushing yourself to the limit). I ask myself this from time to time, just to make sure that I remember why I'm compelling myself to grow.
Anyway, I was lucky that someone rescued me. I could've experienced a disaster, but i'm glad that my voice travels so well that others can hear me. I learned some lessons from this conversation.
I have future plans for learning how to talk on the fly and, overall, be confident in myself when socially interacting. I don't want to get used to just talking to people, but having charisma. It takes practice.
The other part of the plan for confidence acquisition is to talk to managers at businesses i applied at. Ever since I started working at WinCo, i have been (honestly) very afraid of talking to people of high power, and tried not to talk to them. But I want people to see my face, know my name, have my phone number handy so that, when they flip through applications, they will remember who I am and interview me first. So far I am succeeding by just betting myself that, if something that is ~50/50 likely to happen as it is to not happen happens, then i will go talk to whomever. (It's been such that whatever i bet myself on happening happens. So i've talked to everyone, and i'm glad i did)
In closing for the night, I'd just like to say that I have been up really late tonight and so a tired DurDur makes for a sloppy blog post. I will probably modify this post tomorrow, but at least the rough ideas are in print.
After reading so many of my really old articles that i wrote years ago and have not looked at again until tonight, I feel like I need to give a big thank you to Paul (PuKa) Chamberlain, who has been with me during some really rough times, times that could've been close to the worst point of my life but were minimized thanks to his powerful abilities. Thank you, St. Paul (I'll tell the story about why he's a saint in my eyes later)
I think i'm going to go memorize the lyrics to "It's the End of the World as We Know It (and i feel fine)" tomorrow. Good night.
Sunday, October 12
Saturday, October 11
Zen Buddhist Drinking Game (Use Tea!)
Well, life has been very turbulent for quite some time but i must say that clear skies are in the forecast. Now if I could only find a job...
Seriously, i should've had a job by now, but i've made the mistake of not pestering companies daily, which makes all the difference to companies who want to know who really wants that god damn piece of shit job.
And now i feel poised to strike them.
I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of spending days that i don't look for work constantly thinking that i should search as the day progresses (makes you not want to completely play because you feel as though you're going to go look for work in about 1/2 an hour, every half hour of the day). And, finally I feel like i have the strength and willpower to make businesses look at me and hire. Today, I felt as though I was having the day all to myself. And it was good.
Now, I should say that I would not be feeling this way were it not for the all out 1 on 1 WORLD WAR 3 (tm) that went on between me and my sister, as she made me hit a really LOW point of emotion (I'll admit, she struck chords in me that only family/Kittens/chitsupo's can strike, making me cry. I have cried only twice these past 3 months, and before that haven't cried since I was 12, not even able to if i wanted) and during it all, my dad told me to take the day off. I felt like I really needed to go visit these business people because i haven't visited them in quite a while, but, in addition to my dad telling me to take it off, I felt as though I was in no state to talk to these people (I looked like hell physically and so talking to them would've been a bad thing).
I felt like I needed a hug. Jamie, you complete me.
I spent time just talking and connecting to someone that I love dearly (Jamie) and slowly recovered. But I felt no pressure to make today productive. Strangely, looking back on today i feel like it was my day, something that i had needed quite badly to rally my spirit into getting work done (although i did not feel this way as the day progressed). And the day just kept getting better and better. I was really pampered, and extreme happiness reigned throughout the land of DurDur (you should see this place. It's full of rabbits, pools of Martinelli's and everything2!). It turned today into one bittersweet fragment of my life, and I feel ready to tackle the next little while of my life for now.
Oh, we have a karaoke System now, and I'm hoping that maybe one of these days I can get Max_Crucible, Lynn Archer, and Firebird to play and sing! Then, when they aren't noticing, I will have live streams on Winamp as well as MP3s for all to enjoy. In addition, a select few of us are hoping that the special pressure waves in Firebird's voice (being in that perfect wavelength), combined with such high amplification of the volume of his voice will react with his own body transforming him into LordFireBird(true form) in a flash of light, glitter and disco balls! Then, he can fight evil doers just as Max_Crucible does.
Just to aggravate a certain aforementioned chemistry instrument, I want to tell you all about two more people that I love. Arnold you are such an inspiration to me in some ways. You are proof to me that following your dreams is possible. You, combined with Bill Phillips helped me to learn how to create self confidence when I never knew how to, and take control of my life. And although I forgot how to when I was busy focusing on other points in my life, I have remembered (especially when the election came around). I love you!
Cat Stevens, You have shaped my childhood, shaping me into being a mellow level-headed person with your music. Your music has been an inspiration to me, especially when I had no friends, and many enemies, and was enduring the hardest time of my life. I wish I would have had the chance to hear you sing your old songs, though one day I would like to stop by and hear your Islamic songs (he converted to Islam after a life and death experience he experienced and will only sing songs praising Allah). I have looked up to you, and I love you.
2X BONUS!
Since this is my blog, I make the rules. I hope you never get sick of hearing me tell you this (I sometimes feel like i'm being excessive at conveying this) But, if you ever even doubted it since the last time I told you, I love you Jamie
The End of Zen
Seriously, i should've had a job by now, but i've made the mistake of not pestering companies daily, which makes all the difference to companies who want to know who really wants that god damn piece of shit job.
And now i feel poised to strike them.
I'm tired of being poor. I'm tired of spending days that i don't look for work constantly thinking that i should search as the day progresses (makes you not want to completely play because you feel as though you're going to go look for work in about 1/2 an hour, every half hour of the day). And, finally I feel like i have the strength and willpower to make businesses look at me and hire. Today, I felt as though I was having the day all to myself. And it was good.
Now, I should say that I would not be feeling this way were it not for the all out 1 on 1 WORLD WAR 3 (tm) that went on between me and my sister, as she made me hit a really LOW point of emotion (I'll admit, she struck chords in me that only family/Kittens/chitsupo's can strike, making me cry. I have cried only twice these past 3 months, and before that haven't cried since I was 12, not even able to if i wanted) and during it all, my dad told me to take the day off. I felt like I really needed to go visit these business people because i haven't visited them in quite a while, but, in addition to my dad telling me to take it off, I felt as though I was in no state to talk to these people (I looked like hell physically and so talking to them would've been a bad thing).
I felt like I needed a hug. Jamie, you complete me.
I spent time just talking and connecting to someone that I love dearly (Jamie) and slowly recovered. But I felt no pressure to make today productive. Strangely, looking back on today i feel like it was my day, something that i had needed quite badly to rally my spirit into getting work done (although i did not feel this way as the day progressed). And the day just kept getting better and better. I was really pampered, and extreme happiness reigned throughout the land of DurDur (you should see this place. It's full of rabbits, pools of Martinelli's and everything2!). It turned today into one bittersweet fragment of my life, and I feel ready to tackle the next little while of my life for now.
Oh, we have a karaoke System now, and I'm hoping that maybe one of these days I can get Max_Crucible, Lynn Archer, and Firebird to play and sing! Then, when they aren't noticing, I will have live streams on Winamp as well as MP3s for all to enjoy. In addition, a select few of us are hoping that the special pressure waves in Firebird's voice (being in that perfect wavelength), combined with such high amplification of the volume of his voice will react with his own body transforming him into LordFireBird(true form) in a flash of light, glitter and disco balls! Then, he can fight evil doers just as Max_Crucible does.
Just to aggravate a certain aforementioned chemistry instrument, I want to tell you all about two more people that I love. Arnold you are such an inspiration to me in some ways. You are proof to me that following your dreams is possible. You, combined with Bill Phillips helped me to learn how to create self confidence when I never knew how to, and take control of my life. And although I forgot how to when I was busy focusing on other points in my life, I have remembered (especially when the election came around). I love you!
Cat Stevens, You have shaped my childhood, shaping me into being a mellow level-headed person with your music. Your music has been an inspiration to me, especially when I had no friends, and many enemies, and was enduring the hardest time of my life. I wish I would have had the chance to hear you sing your old songs, though one day I would like to stop by and hear your Islamic songs (he converted to Islam after a life and death experience he experienced and will only sing songs praising Allah). I have looked up to you, and I love you.
2X BONUS!
Since this is my blog, I make the rules. I hope you never get sick of hearing me tell you this (I sometimes feel like i'm being excessive at conveying this) But, if you ever even doubted it since the last time I told you, I love you Jamie
The End of Zen
Wednesday, October 8
Terminator Drinking Game
Lately i've been hearing some anti-Arnold rhetoric, and I just wanted to make my statements clear.
Why do you think people are ignorant? Schwarzenegger won by a pretty large margin, with the sample consisting of around 7 million people. I'd say there's more to him winning than ignorance.
On the one side, we had a governor who felt like an impenetrable elitist and flaunted it all the way to the bust of the economy, probably only being reelected due to being an incubant.
On the other side we have a man who hasn't held an office per se, but has been appointed as an overseer of various federal positions and has authored some bills in our state. In addition, he possesses incredible charisma. He came to this country with only 20$ to his name and is now a multimillionaire (that appeals to people). His wife, a Kennedy descendant, is a hard-line democrat, so he should be able to work with our democrat-filled government system (note: I like dems much more than repubs, so i'm not saying that a dem-filled house is bad).
He wants to end "politics as usual", gaining bipartisian support and i think he can do it. He's also addressing the budget (that he must figure out before January) by promising that if he and other elected officials don't get a budget passed by the deadline, they won't be getting a paycheck. However, because he's never held a true office before, we'll see how he fares. He's a hard worker, but inexperience will cost him something somewhere down the line.
Some Miscellany of information: I think Davis was going to have a difficult time getting through NOT being recalled because basically it was the governor being selected VS all the hopefuls. That's like 1 vs 130 people! (don't quote me on 130, I just remember that the amount of people on the ballot was around there). A large amount of people knew Bustamante was just as crooked as Davis was, and responded to that with their votes.
On top of that, remember: people don't REALLY vote with their heads. If they did, the incubant wouldn't win the vast majority of the time. People DO vote with their emotions, and that's partially why Arnold was elected. Davis pissed a lot of people off, even to the point that he barely won LAST election, having less than half of the State's votes.
P.S. Did I already mention that he was going to win before the election happened?
EPILOGUE: Gray Davis was approached by lobbyists and made more money being a consultant for lobbyist groups than he ever made being governor. However, he made a bid for presidency, but due to his discreditation in California, was forced to drop out of the race.
Arnold... well, who knows what'll happen? I think he'll succeed in restoring California to profitability.
Why do you think people are ignorant? Schwarzenegger won by a pretty large margin, with the sample consisting of around 7 million people. I'd say there's more to him winning than ignorance.
On the one side, we had a governor who felt like an impenetrable elitist and flaunted it all the way to the bust of the economy, probably only being reelected due to being an incubant.
On the other side we have a man who hasn't held an office per se, but has been appointed as an overseer of various federal positions and has authored some bills in our state. In addition, he possesses incredible charisma. He came to this country with only 20$ to his name and is now a multimillionaire (that appeals to people). His wife, a Kennedy descendant, is a hard-line democrat, so he should be able to work with our democrat-filled government system (note: I like dems much more than repubs, so i'm not saying that a dem-filled house is bad).
He wants to end "politics as usual", gaining bipartisian support and i think he can do it. He's also addressing the budget (that he must figure out before January) by promising that if he and other elected officials don't get a budget passed by the deadline, they won't be getting a paycheck. However, because he's never held a true office before, we'll see how he fares. He's a hard worker, but inexperience will cost him something somewhere down the line.
Some Miscellany of information: I think Davis was going to have a difficult time getting through NOT being recalled because basically it was the governor being selected VS all the hopefuls. That's like 1 vs 130 people! (don't quote me on 130, I just remember that the amount of people on the ballot was around there). A large amount of people knew Bustamante was just as crooked as Davis was, and responded to that with their votes.
On top of that, remember: people don't REALLY vote with their heads. If they did, the incubant wouldn't win the vast majority of the time. People DO vote with their emotions, and that's partially why Arnold was elected. Davis pissed a lot of people off, even to the point that he barely won LAST election, having less than half of the State's votes.
P.S. Did I already mention that he was going to win before the election happened?
EPILOGUE: Gray Davis was approached by lobbyists and made more money being a consultant for lobbyist groups than he ever made being governor. However, he made a bid for presidency, but due to his discreditation in California, was forced to drop out of the race.
Arnold... well, who knows what'll happen? I think he'll succeed in restoring California to profitability.
Monday, October 6
DurDur conveys another blog (emotion?)
Well, today is the day that I earn my academic keep. The 'hell march of three' really spaced out classes keeps me in the LRC (Learning Resource Center) of college for a day like forever. And while i dislike being here, I overall enjoy it, as I like the architecture of the place and the contrast with the hills outside (especially when the sorrounding hills are foggy), teamed with the high speed internet and an environment that compels me to do my homework (unlike home). I need something to keep me busy and the LRC fills it. Today I got to enjoy the joys (cheesy!) of writing out three math assignments to get caught up in math class, take a test in meteorology, and (soon) take a test in macroeconomics. So far, so good. Just need to keep busy. I look over at the sound proof rooms and see japanese students practicing japanese, probably cramming for a skit i suppose. I contemplate visiting them and offering them help.
In other news, Phase 2 has been working perfectly. I have been talking to an equal number of males and females, just out-of-the-blue, striking up conversations. I say "hello" to people i've never met before. I even complimented a man on his bumblebee kilt! Am i patting myself on the back? No. I'm just reporting. To myself. Upon future reflection. In the future. yesssssss......
I have come to the conclusion that i'm one screwed up, confused person, and that bothers me (I try to fix what at least kind of matters to me, although this of course *really matters* to me). I'm trying to get my head straight but I have so many issues that i just can't. However, i'm not that bothered by it. I know that i'll figure myself out some day in the future (after all, I have some 80 odd years left to live, right? Many chances for different lifestyles. At least I know that it's possible to miss them so i'll be sure not to pass them up accidentally).
I have figured out that i'm highly influenced to suggestion, so much so that i demand it from some people sometimes. It's a remnant of my old past that I haven't been able to cope with or alter, and it causes problems when i'm not around many different people at different times. As I get to know people better, they influence more and more aspects of me, leaving me to be an empty husk reproduction of themselves (which people do not enjoy).
Also, as people get to know me more and more, and I them, my behavior based upon what i've learned of them due to events (bad or not bad) causes me to stop taking risks or acting certain ways in front of them. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. It cements everything out when a person gives in to another person, because the opposite party (that is, the one not giving in) is deriving pleasure from being with the person giving in, while getting used to the person. It can be a bad thing because, for me, just one single bad event can modify my behavior in such extreme ways that I don't risk doing anything relating to that bad memory of the event in any way, causing other aspects of me to dwindle and fall, Stagnation.
For me, The sad truth is that, with the limited group that i'm with, I want to stay with and not change. I'm miserable because I am not performing the way I used to, which used to be integrating large volumes of information and relaying that information to other members of the group that i created around me. Instead, I have stopped being with large groups of acquaintances and have instead stuck with a limited group, getting to know them deeply. The consequence of this is that I have little to contribute to my limited group of friends and I feel (and get reactions that indicate) that i am just a bore. Kind of like a benign tumor. And yet I do not want to change the group of people i'm with, even if they are indicating to me that they aren't enjoying my company that much. I think that what's going to happen, whether i like it or not, is that the people i'm with are going to eventually drop me, forcing me to innovate. It'll be a sad time for me, but it'd probably be for the best in the end. I know that, particularly in my primary group of 3 and 1/2 (mr. Arbitrog equals .5) they want me to participate with them in what they do, but I don't enjoy what they do that much, as (with some activities) it's on their terms or we've done the same activity so much that i'm sick of doing it (too much of a good thing). I guess what I need is to learn as I'm doing whatever, or i'm not having fun (maybe not quite true. Hmm... Probably not, but it certainly helps). In any case, the primary group of 3.5 understands this and feels bad when i'm not interacting with them. They hate having me around when I act the way I do (I fall asleep. Yeah, I know it's lame in the extreme but I get tired when i'm bored for a prolonged period of time), and try hard to get me to have fun with them. I'm glad that they try to get me involved, though it bothers me that 1) it stresses the relationship with the 2 (.5 usually not there) when i'm consistently having to be pushed to do something and 2) I sort of feel like they are probably thinking that I'm just not participating for the attention and that bothers me, for I don't want to ask anything of them.
In any case, I'm really confused with my life right now. I keep getting pains as though i'm depressed, but I keep on telling myself that i'm not depressed. They hurt really bad like depression but they go away really quickly. I have been keeping an eye on myself and have found that when i tell myself that i'm depressed I decide that, "If I'm depressed, I'd better act like it" and then I AM depressed (and it's hard to get out of at that point). It hurts me and everyone else who really cares about me when i'm depressed, as well as I get negative reactions from everyone around me. I know it's in my best interest not to be depressed, and I do try, but sometimes it's really hard not to give in to the sad pains i get inside occasionally.
At this point i'd like to conclude that 1) I'm a really confused bunny @_@, and 2) everything that I EVER write in here, confused or no, should be taken with a grain of salt. I am an irrational person, and my rules are not absolute. See Thich Nhat Hanh, if you missed clicking on the title of previous posts (Click it Nyanko! You know you better! I love you!)
In other news, Phase 2 has been working perfectly. I have been talking to an equal number of males and females, just out-of-the-blue, striking up conversations. I say "hello" to people i've never met before. I even complimented a man on his bumblebee kilt! Am i patting myself on the back? No. I'm just reporting. To myself. Upon future reflection. In the future. yesssssss......
I have come to the conclusion that i'm one screwed up, confused person, and that bothers me (I try to fix what at least kind of matters to me, although this of course *really matters* to me). I'm trying to get my head straight but I have so many issues that i just can't. However, i'm not that bothered by it. I know that i'll figure myself out some day in the future (after all, I have some 80 odd years left to live, right? Many chances for different lifestyles. At least I know that it's possible to miss them so i'll be sure not to pass them up accidentally).
I have figured out that i'm highly influenced to suggestion, so much so that i demand it from some people sometimes. It's a remnant of my old past that I haven't been able to cope with or alter, and it causes problems when i'm not around many different people at different times. As I get to know people better, they influence more and more aspects of me, leaving me to be an empty husk reproduction of themselves (which people do not enjoy).
Also, as people get to know me more and more, and I them, my behavior based upon what i've learned of them due to events (bad or not bad) causes me to stop taking risks or acting certain ways in front of them. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. It cements everything out when a person gives in to another person, because the opposite party (that is, the one not giving in) is deriving pleasure from being with the person giving in, while getting used to the person. It can be a bad thing because, for me, just one single bad event can modify my behavior in such extreme ways that I don't risk doing anything relating to that bad memory of the event in any way, causing other aspects of me to dwindle and fall, Stagnation.
For me, The sad truth is that, with the limited group that i'm with, I want to stay with and not change. I'm miserable because I am not performing the way I used to, which used to be integrating large volumes of information and relaying that information to other members of the group that i created around me. Instead, I have stopped being with large groups of acquaintances and have instead stuck with a limited group, getting to know them deeply. The consequence of this is that I have little to contribute to my limited group of friends and I feel (and get reactions that indicate) that i am just a bore. Kind of like a benign tumor. And yet I do not want to change the group of people i'm with, even if they are indicating to me that they aren't enjoying my company that much. I think that what's going to happen, whether i like it or not, is that the people i'm with are going to eventually drop me, forcing me to innovate. It'll be a sad time for me, but it'd probably be for the best in the end. I know that, particularly in my primary group of 3 and 1/2 (mr. Arbitrog equals .5) they want me to participate with them in what they do, but I don't enjoy what they do that much, as (with some activities) it's on their terms or we've done the same activity so much that i'm sick of doing it (too much of a good thing). I guess what I need is to learn as I'm doing whatever, or i'm not having fun (maybe not quite true. Hmm... Probably not, but it certainly helps). In any case, the primary group of 3.5 understands this and feels bad when i'm not interacting with them. They hate having me around when I act the way I do (I fall asleep. Yeah, I know it's lame in the extreme but I get tired when i'm bored for a prolonged period of time), and try hard to get me to have fun with them. I'm glad that they try to get me involved, though it bothers me that 1) it stresses the relationship with the 2 (.5 usually not there) when i'm consistently having to be pushed to do something and 2) I sort of feel like they are probably thinking that I'm just not participating for the attention and that bothers me, for I don't want to ask anything of them.
In any case, I'm really confused with my life right now. I keep getting pains as though i'm depressed, but I keep on telling myself that i'm not depressed. They hurt really bad like depression but they go away really quickly. I have been keeping an eye on myself and have found that when i tell myself that i'm depressed I decide that, "If I'm depressed, I'd better act like it" and then I AM depressed (and it's hard to get out of at that point). It hurts me and everyone else who really cares about me when i'm depressed, as well as I get negative reactions from everyone around me. I know it's in my best interest not to be depressed, and I do try, but sometimes it's really hard not to give in to the sad pains i get inside occasionally.
At this point i'd like to conclude that 1) I'm a really confused bunny @_@, and 2) everything that I EVER write in here, confused or no, should be taken with a grain of salt. I am an irrational person, and my rules are not absolute. See Thich Nhat Hanh, if you missed clicking on the title of previous posts (Click it Nyanko! You know you better! I love you!)
Saturday, October 4
injury, you're a sexy songwriter, one-of-a-kind. I love you
Lately i've been playing with fruity loops. Don't know why. Just have. Maybe one day i'll show what i've made. It'll never be anything good, at least at the rate of work that i put into it, but that doesn't bother me, it's just a hobby.
I've been feeling like I need to go work, and work, and work until i hurt so bad that i don't want to work, and then work some more just to break the limit. Sometimes it feels so good to just physically and mentally hurt. Makes you feel alive, makes you feel mortal. Makes you feel like you've done something worthwhile today, and it makes you stronger, tolerating even more pain the next time you decide to make yourself hurt. On top of that, if you fulfill any painful activity, self confidence builds when you feel as though you can get things done. This is not to say that i'm depressed right now, I'm just feeling like considering many ideas.
BUT, there's some pains that i'd rather not ever feel. Such as puncture wounds, and emotional pains (such as depression) These pains never helped anyone (save for scarring, if you like the look of scars on one's body), and do long term damage to one's self-image and, ultimately, lifespan. There's no benefit to them, and should be avoided at all costs.
Mainly, I love to kick ass and take names. The thrill of just giving it your all, not too unlike gambling, is great.
One day in the future I'll probably look at this and giggle, "Boy, that was stupid rhetoric". Much like the Megan letters. Oh well.
Recently, I've been suffering from social burnout. I've just been going nowhere but older as I keep pursuing the exchange of ideas. Not that i expect anything from anyone (pending a legal contract, that is. Isn't that awful?) I don't learn anything new lately from the people I talk to (For the record: It's my whole social group, not just two people, who know who THEY are). With phase 1 complete I proceed to phase 2. Phase 2 involves finding bunches of people, and extending my already large group of friends. Gotta keep going. Break the boundaries. I have decided to chat with people in chatrooms and getting information based on their location, as well as just saying hi to people, especially people i don't know. Just warming up to people. I'm tired of knowing the same people all of the time when there's a world of others out there with such potential. Some people can be so shallow. I do not want these people generally, but on the short term would be interesting. I find that i turn shallow as people get to know more of me. This is only because I am imitating what they desire, albeit compromising by following certain rules about me.
In my time living on certain parts of this planet, as well as traveling around, I have found that humans are not all that different. They will befriend you if you have what they desire and you supply what they desire, and will stick with you if you do not give them all that they want completely. Using this piece of knowledge has tremendous advantages, allowing you to manipulate a situation if you want. Some people may ask, "Why not be yourself? Be true to yourself first, then at least you are being honest to everyone". I find that those that are true to themselves don't do much, and are generally not very well rounded individuals in general. They are pseudo-outcasts who slowly learn about new things around them, squandering their time on doing the same thing over and over again. After I do my little dance of "I do what I want" many times, I quickly become bored and miserable. Stagnation is a major cause of decline. I have nothing better to do in my spare time, so why not link aspects of me that are similar to you and only talk about those similar aspects, going our own ways when appropriate? Does any of this make sense to anyone? Maybe i should go take speech class.
What i'm trying to say is that you can expand every aspect about yourself by befriending certain people based upon similar aspects. The only problem of doing this is that generally people will have a tendancy to try and link other aspects of themselves to a person whose one aspect is similar, but then the two people find that they have little in common in that area, causing tension. It's hard to be close to people, because you have to make so many sacrifices of yourself to have all your aspects be in-line with theirs. Eventually you can learn to enjoy anything, though never to a full extent. In general, you can be very independant and yourself in many strange ways if you befriend people based upon one similar interest and then only visit that friend when it's based upon that interest. In addition, you build a strong, large network of people who will help you in times of need. You can even manipulate them, although that should only be done when you don't care about your victim and want to gain a short term gain out of them. But if you're smart, you'll keep the people you earned, as increased jewels of knowledge and fortune may come your way from these people. (Personally, i like to see people succeed. It makes me feel good when i helped someone i knew go farther in life than if i wasn't ever present at any moment of their past)
I like to rant. Many ideas permeate me as I stay silent amongst people. Thinking. I usually hate trying to explain my ideas to people because the time it takes to explain the idea slows my mind down to where i lose my place as well as it takes even more time to explain the idea to someone else, but what's the point of having tons of ideas race in your mind if know one ever knew you had the idea? It's an idea wasted, especially when you forget the idea. I guess I need a neurological link to my mind.
I've been feeling like I need to go work, and work, and work until i hurt so bad that i don't want to work, and then work some more just to break the limit. Sometimes it feels so good to just physically and mentally hurt. Makes you feel alive, makes you feel mortal. Makes you feel like you've done something worthwhile today, and it makes you stronger, tolerating even more pain the next time you decide to make yourself hurt. On top of that, if you fulfill any painful activity, self confidence builds when you feel as though you can get things done. This is not to say that i'm depressed right now, I'm just feeling like considering many ideas.
BUT, there's some pains that i'd rather not ever feel. Such as puncture wounds, and emotional pains (such as depression) These pains never helped anyone (save for scarring, if you like the look of scars on one's body), and do long term damage to one's self-image and, ultimately, lifespan. There's no benefit to them, and should be avoided at all costs.
Mainly, I love to kick ass and take names. The thrill of just giving it your all, not too unlike gambling, is great.
One day in the future I'll probably look at this and giggle, "Boy, that was stupid rhetoric". Much like the Megan letters. Oh well.
Recently, I've been suffering from social burnout. I've just been going nowhere but older as I keep pursuing the exchange of ideas. Not that i expect anything from anyone (pending a legal contract, that is. Isn't that awful?) I don't learn anything new lately from the people I talk to (For the record: It's my whole social group, not just two people, who know who THEY are). With phase 1 complete I proceed to phase 2. Phase 2 involves finding bunches of people, and extending my already large group of friends. Gotta keep going. Break the boundaries. I have decided to chat with people in chatrooms and getting information based on their location, as well as just saying hi to people, especially people i don't know. Just warming up to people. I'm tired of knowing the same people all of the time when there's a world of others out there with such potential. Some people can be so shallow. I do not want these people generally, but on the short term would be interesting. I find that i turn shallow as people get to know more of me. This is only because I am imitating what they desire, albeit compromising by following certain rules about me.
In my time living on certain parts of this planet, as well as traveling around, I have found that humans are not all that different. They will befriend you if you have what they desire and you supply what they desire, and will stick with you if you do not give them all that they want completely. Using this piece of knowledge has tremendous advantages, allowing you to manipulate a situation if you want. Some people may ask, "Why not be yourself? Be true to yourself first, then at least you are being honest to everyone". I find that those that are true to themselves don't do much, and are generally not very well rounded individuals in general. They are pseudo-outcasts who slowly learn about new things around them, squandering their time on doing the same thing over and over again. After I do my little dance of "I do what I want" many times, I quickly become bored and miserable. Stagnation is a major cause of decline. I have nothing better to do in my spare time, so why not link aspects of me that are similar to you and only talk about those similar aspects, going our own ways when appropriate? Does any of this make sense to anyone? Maybe i should go take speech class.
What i'm trying to say is that you can expand every aspect about yourself by befriending certain people based upon similar aspects. The only problem of doing this is that generally people will have a tendancy to try and link other aspects of themselves to a person whose one aspect is similar, but then the two people find that they have little in common in that area, causing tension. It's hard to be close to people, because you have to make so many sacrifices of yourself to have all your aspects be in-line with theirs. Eventually you can learn to enjoy anything, though never to a full extent. In general, you can be very independant and yourself in many strange ways if you befriend people based upon one similar interest and then only visit that friend when it's based upon that interest. In addition, you build a strong, large network of people who will help you in times of need. You can even manipulate them, although that should only be done when you don't care about your victim and want to gain a short term gain out of them. But if you're smart, you'll keep the people you earned, as increased jewels of knowledge and fortune may come your way from these people. (Personally, i like to see people succeed. It makes me feel good when i helped someone i knew go farther in life than if i wasn't ever present at any moment of their past)
I like to rant. Many ideas permeate me as I stay silent amongst people. Thinking. I usually hate trying to explain my ideas to people because the time it takes to explain the idea slows my mind down to where i lose my place as well as it takes even more time to explain the idea to someone else, but what's the point of having tons of ideas race in your mind if know one ever knew you had the idea? It's an idea wasted, especially when you forget the idea. I guess I need a neurological link to my mind.
Thursday, October 2
Thich Nhat Hanh, I love you
All Systems functional. Neural activity running at normal mode.
I! : Recharge necessary in a few hours.
Well, as i settle down for sleep, i ponder a wonderful gadgetry of DJing. I think that it would sound cool to have magnetized balls (not unlike bearings in a pen or something) suspended between two spheres, one inside of another. The magnetized balls would have a little bit of distance between one or the other sphere, but should be touching one or the other. Now, these two spheres are hooked to wires which control charges and are hooked up to some DSP which should be controlled by the DJ for sending signals. While it would create a noise far from any noise you were trying to create, the noises created out of this "spherical speaker" would be fascinating!
remind me to throw out the idea of a purely automatic transmission.
Japanese puns that are not funny but at least are puns.
What is this world coming to? Where am I going in life? I think i'm going to pursue every dream but the last, as i find that, once you reach a dream, it's not as great as you thought it was, or there are certain, unseeable drawbacks/weaknesses that you never saw were there.
There's only one thing that i know how to do well and i've often been told that you only can do what you know how to do well and that's be you, be like yourself, be what you're like. (why can't i ever be myself?)
Ah, confusing rants! BOMBS AWAY!! I think i'd rather imitate.
I! : Recharge necessary in a few hours.
Well, as i settle down for sleep, i ponder a wonderful gadgetry of DJing. I think that it would sound cool to have magnetized balls (not unlike bearings in a pen or something) suspended between two spheres, one inside of another. The magnetized balls would have a little bit of distance between one or the other sphere, but should be touching one or the other. Now, these two spheres are hooked to wires which control charges and are hooked up to some DSP which should be controlled by the DJ for sending signals. While it would create a noise far from any noise you were trying to create, the noises created out of this "spherical speaker" would be fascinating!
remind me to throw out the idea of a purely automatic transmission.
Japanese puns that are not funny but at least are puns.
What is this world coming to? Where am I going in life? I think i'm going to pursue every dream but the last, as i find that, once you reach a dream, it's not as great as you thought it was, or there are certain, unseeable drawbacks/weaknesses that you never saw were there.
There's only one thing that i know how to do well and i've often been told that you only can do what you know how to do well and that's be you, be like yourself, be what you're like. (why can't i ever be myself?)
Ah, confusing rants! BOMBS AWAY!! I think i'd rather imitate.
Today!
sez OMG one day i was walkin down the road ok? and i sees this chocolate bar that nobody was eatin. and the bar used crazy mind powers to talk to me. it said like this: "I am the food. You are the eater. Now do yo' damn job bitch. OMG LOL ASL i was so scared i ran home. but not before i ate the chocolate! because i know how to do my damn job!
Today was filled with a large mix of hope and despair. Today on the job search, I encountered Dave Albright from WinCo. Dave is a man who is usually distanced from people, but he talks to me and gives me advice, almost like a father! Today, as I was buying MUFFINS at WinCo, i crossed paths with him and chatted about jobs. Apparently he has a family friend who works at CostCo, and can possibly get me in. My heart jumpeed 3 sizes at the sound of that! So, i went to CostCo, but sadly discovered that she works tomorrow! so we'll see what pez-shintelle-kung fu goes down tomorrow. Stay tuned!
As a side note, my father has recommended against me working at Payless, citing Al Bundy of Married.... with children fame. He even goes so far as to say that it's worse than McDonald's! He then gave an example of a typical day. Imagine that you work at Payless and a big lady comes to buy shoes. You put them on her, and then she asks you, "Does these shoes make me look fat"? (hey it's his scenario, not mine) I guess i can relate to the possible horrors (of course we were both teasing!). Though I think it'd be way better than McDonald's (the only possible hazard is death by shoes. I'd like to throw shoes against an opponent who throws shoes back! And then i'd tell them those shoes make them look fat! Because i know how to do my damn job!).
Despair today consisted of preparing to do math homework but then getting interrupted by Paul Chamberlain. I got so caught up playing with him that i forgot what time it was, nor did i care. Finally, at 8:20, I realized what time it was and exclaimed "shit!". I still am not doing my homework (that's fine). I have manufactured a proto-fruityloops song, but have deleted it (i have a tendency to do that to my songs. I'm just learning different combinations of noise. Not that it sounded bad, but because i didn't want the song hanging around). I've also begun the anime-friends project of mega mega tokyo death. So far i have a part of Max_Crucible drawn and will continue to draw the rest as time permits. TADA!
Sometimes the best kind of hentai is the ones that are Between the words...
D4rR31
Today was filled with a large mix of hope and despair. Today on the job search, I encountered Dave Albright from WinCo. Dave is a man who is usually distanced from people, but he talks to me and gives me advice, almost like a father! Today, as I was buying MUFFINS at WinCo, i crossed paths with him and chatted about jobs. Apparently he has a family friend who works at CostCo, and can possibly get me in. My heart jumpeed 3 sizes at the sound of that! So, i went to CostCo, but sadly discovered that she works tomorrow! so we'll see what pez-shintelle-kung fu goes down tomorrow. Stay tuned!
As a side note, my father has recommended against me working at Payless, citing Al Bundy of Married.... with children fame. He even goes so far as to say that it's worse than McDonald's! He then gave an example of a typical day. Imagine that you work at Payless and a big lady comes to buy shoes. You put them on her, and then she asks you, "Does these shoes make me look fat"? (hey it's his scenario, not mine) I guess i can relate to the possible horrors (of course we were both teasing!). Though I think it'd be way better than McDonald's (the only possible hazard is death by shoes. I'd like to throw shoes against an opponent who throws shoes back! And then i'd tell them those shoes make them look fat! Because i know how to do my damn job!).
Despair today consisted of preparing to do math homework but then getting interrupted by Paul Chamberlain. I got so caught up playing with him that i forgot what time it was, nor did i care. Finally, at 8:20, I realized what time it was and exclaimed "shit!". I still am not doing my homework (that's fine). I have manufactured a proto-fruityloops song, but have deleted it (i have a tendency to do that to my songs. I'm just learning different combinations of noise. Not that it sounded bad, but because i didn't want the song hanging around). I've also begun the anime-friends project of mega mega tokyo death. So far i have a part of Max_Crucible drawn and will continue to draw the rest as time permits. TADA!
Sometimes the best kind of hentai is the ones that are Between the words...
D4rR31
Wednesday, October 1
Well, I finally caved in with a couple of my other friends and have now merrily set up shop at blogspot!
Today i went and saw a very funny/scary movie with a twist: it was not meant to be funny (nor scary. Just disgusting). The movie Once Upon A Time In Mexico. Bad acting, predictable special effects, and mexican style cameraman angling (I love those swirling zooms into a character's face. Makes me feel like i'm going to get launched into the person's nose!).In this movie, Antonio Banderas came off to me as a major jerk, as his "opponents" were usually aiming at the environment around him, not at him. Is this some sort of Mexican custom where you shoot your own house around a trespasser in order to signify that they are not welcome there? In any case, the style that they communicate this emotion was spectacularly beautiful, as the bullets would light up the ground in predictable straight trails around Antonio, while Antonio fired back, killing the lords-of-the-land, with sure fire accuracy.
I also loved the cockiness of the CIA agent. His looks and attitude remind me of Trevor in many ways, and makes me come to realize just how realistic this character was compared to real life. In the end, justice was served as the removal of eyes, bullet shots to his legs, and the pain that was given after both afflications created an fantastic ending unparalled in any movie (actually he killed this hot Laura Croft lady who is probably just a skinny cow! BLUH BRRRRR!) If I were Trevor, I'd be a CIA agent. And then i'd use both eye socket holes to hide important information about stuff. I would never need breasts to hide things, no sir!
The greatest part of the movie was at the end, when the people rose up against a fully trained army and defeated them with few casualties. Two things: Why didn't the US government get called in to help (they always have to put their nose in everything, you know), and why did a fully trained army get defeated by the peasants it was supposed to serve? I think the peasants are peace loving veterans while the army are wannabe farmers who are serving in the military to become veterans of the KoRn.
I loved this movie, but, as always my dear readers, I decline to give a rating.
Today i skipped math at college, knowing that i didn't have any homework that needed to be turned in, and knowing the material already. Making the sit-in pointless. I then finished four out of five applications and turned those four in. After that, I asked several businesses if they had considered me, and all but staples said they weren't considering right now. Staples said they would be hiring more people in 30 days, so i have hope that i can get out of this house!
Ok. I'll publish more when i don't feel rushed to write (it isn't flowing quite right right now. Probably immediately after i publish this will i feel not rushed) so.... i leave you, alone, with this thought constantly assaulting your brain!
Try eating a twinkie with your ear. In addition to being a delicious meal for your ear hairs, it should increase libido and sex drive.
YuM!
Today i went and saw a very funny/scary movie with a twist: it was not meant to be funny (nor scary. Just disgusting). The movie Once Upon A Time In Mexico. Bad acting, predictable special effects, and mexican style cameraman angling (I love those swirling zooms into a character's face. Makes me feel like i'm going to get launched into the person's nose!).In this movie, Antonio Banderas came off to me as a major jerk, as his "opponents" were usually aiming at the environment around him, not at him. Is this some sort of Mexican custom where you shoot your own house around a trespasser in order to signify that they are not welcome there? In any case, the style that they communicate this emotion was spectacularly beautiful, as the bullets would light up the ground in predictable straight trails around Antonio, while Antonio fired back, killing the lords-of-the-land, with sure fire accuracy.
I also loved the cockiness of the CIA agent. His looks and attitude remind me of Trevor in many ways, and makes me come to realize just how realistic this character was compared to real life. In the end, justice was served as the removal of eyes, bullet shots to his legs, and the pain that was given after both afflications created an fantastic ending unparalled in any movie (actually he killed this hot Laura Croft lady who is probably just a skinny cow! BLUH BRRRRR!) If I were Trevor, I'd be a CIA agent. And then i'd use both eye socket holes to hide important information about stuff. I would never need breasts to hide things, no sir!
The greatest part of the movie was at the end, when the people rose up against a fully trained army and defeated them with few casualties. Two things: Why didn't the US government get called in to help (they always have to put their nose in everything, you know), and why did a fully trained army get defeated by the peasants it was supposed to serve? I think the peasants are peace loving veterans while the army are wannabe farmers who are serving in the military to become veterans of the KoRn.
I loved this movie, but, as always my dear readers, I decline to give a rating.
Today i skipped math at college, knowing that i didn't have any homework that needed to be turned in, and knowing the material already. Making the sit-in pointless. I then finished four out of five applications and turned those four in. After that, I asked several businesses if they had considered me, and all but staples said they weren't considering right now. Staples said they would be hiring more people in 30 days, so i have hope that i can get out of this house!
Ok. I'll publish more when i don't feel rushed to write (it isn't flowing quite right right now. Probably immediately after i publish this will i feel not rushed) so.... i leave you, alone, with this thought constantly assaulting your brain!
Try eating a twinkie with your ear. In addition to being a delicious meal for your ear hairs, it should increase libido and sex drive.
YuM!
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