Steady as She Goes

So I've decided to get rid of my computer.

Not literally, because the wife doesn't approve. However, she did approve putting a towel over the screen, just to remind me that it's hands-off.

There's something very strange about the computer monitor. For me to just see the screen, even when it's off, I get a strong, irresistable pull towards it, like a mosquito to the zapper. It's so hard to not get away, and even when it's out of view, the joyous possibilities dance in my head like a rollercoaster that just will not end.

I am a strong-willed person, but it's hard to get away from something I've been around all of my life. I've been away from it a few times for a few periods, but I've always came back when the time was right.

Those times were usually when I had absolutely nothing but this advanced calculator. In those times, the computer was a godsend (Especially when it was my shitty laptop burning my knees while hunched over in a mexican-ish cabana to get the wifi signal at my grand aunt's house, here in san diego).

However, when I get over those hard times, it's best to switch into higher gears of potential. I waste so much time trying to finish something trivial, even retarded, on the computer, I must've spent a quarter of my life's free time doing it by now. I hunger for something much more tangible, something I consider important. It must be wired into my genes...

It's human interaction and social development!

The more I spend on the computer, the more I realize things are so marginalized, even commercialized. The most advanced AI games I've played (from RTS's to Chess) all have a feeling of procedure to them. It's very numbing. Even if the game defeats me, I am still able recognize the procedure to it. And that's if I can get used to how the (in fact, ANY) game uses their storyline to show off their game engine.

Finally, I detest how so much energy has been used and so many resources have been ripped from the Earth so that I can isolate from, instead of participate in, my environment, which contributes and nutures my wellbeing. It's a shame.

Like I've said before, I've been off of the computer for long periods of time (months) before, but usually something happens where I forget, or disaster strikes and I have nothing again (and then I need it to keep my spirits up, and then I eventually forget that the computer is a bad drug). So, the balance swings.

This time, I was dirt poor, working two jobs, and supporting another. Worked so hard, worked into the night, I forgot so much! I used the computer to calm my frazzled nerves and leave my crushing world.

In that context, the computer was very good. However, in the long run, it was bad for having me leave my world. I should've fixed the real problem and restored my world!

Whatever the case is, I'm starting to come back together again. It's strange how this happens to me! I feel nothing in me, and I keep wishing a calling would pull me back together, but nothing comes over me. So, I just do what I do.

Suddenly, one day, it'll just come all over me. It's almost forced on me, like a growth spurt. I have no choice but to grow. A calling will come over me, and I'll know the way. I remember who I was, and who I am, and what I really want.

Anyway, I feel the urge and excitement so strongly of what to do that I want to outright get rid of the computer. That's what I feel I'm being told to do. However, Alisha won't let me. Since I make all of the money in the house, I could, but I've always learned that I've never been in more trouble than when I try to control another, so I'm keeping it around. Perhaps it has a purpose.

So, because it is never really going to be gone, it's mostly at my discretion to rid la computadora from my life. Sometimes, there's a good reason to be on it. Writing in my blog, for example, would be a good reason. Most of the time, however, there is no good reason. I intend to rarely be on the internet, and on those times that I do, there will be a specific purpose and no other.

Anyway, as for myself, I'm resorting my life. Alisha, who has been going to school full time, will be taking a part time job (and will do full time work later, with no schooling). I'm in transition for going to school more than 1.5 time. I've had a lot of stress with money lately (which has put a toll on Alisha), but Alisha has helped me work that out, and now I realize that everything will be alright. It's only the deadlines that I set that get my stressed cranked through the roof.

It's always the deadlines that get me stressed, and negative, and an awful person. I thank the Heavens that I found as patient a teacher as she. She's really developing me into a higher state of understanding, if only for myself.

Anyway, I have to go to work tomorrow, so I have to sleep.

However, I want to write more about how I discovered that being happy in your occupation, and just plain being a happy person is a mandatory responsibility in our world. It's not a good thing; it's something we have to be to be in harmony, to live longer, and to invoke a positive change on our environment.

Anyway, I spilled probably too much, but I want to remember what it was that I said, so bean spilling works well. Take care!