Damn I'm in such a good mood today! I feel so great... I could do anything!
Right now, I got my techno subscription fired up while at school, I'm wide awake (with no caffeine, thank you), and I'm ready to take care of business. I think that I may be feeling this way due to a lack of exercise in the past 3 days... I've been taking my creatine (which is practically pure energy), my triple vitamin complex (a B vitamin, a multivitamin, and a vitamin with MSM/chondroitin/glucosamine), and my body is just screaming for work to do.
It's great. Being in great shape with proper supplementation is the best high I can think of. My body is literally pushing my mind to work harder, faster, to do better. It's almost like a little kid who constantly nags at you to take him/her to the park. Only, that kid gives you candy every step of the way toward the park. Yummy.
Anyway, I wanted to sum up the summer vacation I had after speech class. After that, I'm going to go kick some biological, spanish-ical, and anglical (English) ass.
I found summer vacation to be very relaxing, almost too much so. I have a problem with inactivity -- it drives me nuts. I can't do it forever because my self esteem starts diving (that's not a good trait to have, but I'm not gonna address it until I get out of school. I love moving forward, anyway). Literally, I was chomping at the bit.
I did get to spend quite a bit of time with my friends, even though I didn't plan that. It just turned out that way. Every day, i'd bump into someone, and It would turn out that they had free time (probably due to summer vacation), so I got some quality time in with them before school started. In particular, PM came down, so I spent a lot of time with him. Sadly, I think he's turning pretty negative, but I don't know. I don't think I understand what's up with him right now, and I didn't have enough time to figure it out (if it even mattered). I enjoyed spending that time with him, however. To sum up what I did with him: I went to dinner with him and Julie, gave a speech on Elvis at breakfast club, talked with him while he paid his bills and ran errands, and met with him at his house to talk about many things, in particular financial aid.
He taught me that I shouldn't have to take out student loans. If I really wanted to, I can get paid to go to school. All I have to do is work at it. And so, that is my goal: I don't ever want to pay for school ever again.
I bought a large book with tons of large scholarships listed within (each worth at least $1000). I have meticulously labeled the ones I'm eligible for. Now, all I have to do is write the letters and apply (the easiest part!)
In addition, over the summer vacation, I cleaned up my place *really* well, and cleaned the 4runner. I spent two days on it, just scrubbing away, and made it look DAMN good.
I made it look so good, in fact, that during the last 3 hours of work (which was done at my father's house), my father came to his house in his huge Ford 350 (the thing's bigger than a humvee). When he got out, he started pacing around the vehicle. He said, "That looks really good. I'm half tempted to buy it." and then went into the house. A half hour later, He came back and started looking at it again. "I'm really half tempted to buy it," he repeated. "How much do you want for it?" I said, "$3500." "Done." He said, still eyeing it.
So, now I have oodles of money (and before school started, too! Way ahead of schedule!), and I still have that amp and cab to sell.
I be rollin in the dough.
Anyway, I also worked on the radio station a bit, especially since Julie was leaving for Kansas to teach kids there (she's due to go to the caribbean 3 months after that to teach outdoors stuff... lucky girl)
Anyway, I feel primed to kick some college class ass, and don't want to blog anymore. I'll chatter later.
One morning, a young man suddenly wakes up as a woman
Thursday, September 8
Wednesday, September 7
Put Up or Shut Up
Okay. I wanted to post earlier, but I haven't had the time. It turns out that it's really hard to spend any time on a computer when you live in West Haven; the busses only make the rounds 10 times a day (5 times north and 5 times south).
Over the summer, I plugged along, doing speech class. As predicted, speech is the almighty bitch, but for me, i had a new challenge -- having no computer made data gathering harder. I believe I wrote about how I got through the persuasive speech, but the persuasive speech was another story.
In that speech, I was persuading everyone on why social security privatization was a bad thing. Now, it wasn't hard in the thinking sense, it was just hard in the busy work sense. I had a lot of my materials ready by the eve of the speech day (I was set to be one of the first speeches), but I got tired and decided to sleep first (I know I work faster if I'm not tired. I had, after all, spent 2 hours bicycling and 10 hours working at the hospital, plus time to make food...). Well, I woke up at 2, in my frigid-ass unibomber shack (August was cold!), and began to work. And I worked. And I worked. I wanted this stuff memorized. I took one break, when I made breakfast at 6:30 and got ready for the bus at 7, but even then, I worked. At 9:30, I finished the outline, and tried to get my powerpoint fixed up. But! I couldn't. I couldn't get my pictures on to powerpoint, and didn't have time to figure it out. After losing 15 minutes, I decided to use my old powerpoint presentation for my informative speech, which luckily had some pictures I didn't use, and then tried to save it to disc.
The computer ate my floppy.
Frustrated, I threw my hands in the air, and ran to the student store, bought a floppy, and came back. I stuck it in a different computer, pulled my informative speech powerpoint off my email, refinished it for the persuasive speech, saved to the floppy, and back to my email. (Putting powerpoint in email is really nice!) By this time it was 10:00, which is when the class started. I furiously began writing my cards. In my head while I did this, I started getting thoughts: I was on the last part of the last speech in a class that I had completed almost completely. I was a centimeter from victory. I was also a centimeter from failure. If I didn't get to class on time, I was doomed. All would be for naught. I would have to redo everything I did.
It was judgment time.
As I scribbled the information on the flashcards, I saw the time: 10:35. There weren't very many people going to present on the first day of persuasive speeches. Would I make it? Would class be over when I got there? As time when on, I got this overwhelming feeling of my heart sinking, and I felt depressed and frazzled. I felt like I had already lost; That it was hopeless. I wanted to stop.
But I didn't. I knew that I was so very close, that it was time to put up. I wrote that last damn flashcard, picked up everything, and charged to my speech class.
They were almost done.
Everyone was surprised to see me. The teacher thought she saw the telltale sign of someone who hadn't completed their speech, and decided not to show up on their speech day at all. She thought wrong!
I gave that speech in front of everybody, whilst using my flashcards minimally (my way of doing things). After the speech, so many people were engaged by my presentation, that we spent a good half hour talking afterwords about all kinds of parts of social security that weren't about persuasion.
I got an A in that class.
So, now it's over. The one class that's about something I do almost everyday (give speeches), that kicked my ass the first time around (and hurt my self esteem. That was a terrible teacher, whom I heard had a mental breakdown later. But anyway)I was victorious in everything I cared about at that time.
Anyway, A lot happened these past four weeks (it's the second week of school). But I have to catch the last bus to West Haven, so I'll write more later.
Over the summer, I plugged along, doing speech class. As predicted, speech is the almighty bitch, but for me, i had a new challenge -- having no computer made data gathering harder. I believe I wrote about how I got through the persuasive speech, but the persuasive speech was another story.
In that speech, I was persuading everyone on why social security privatization was a bad thing. Now, it wasn't hard in the thinking sense, it was just hard in the busy work sense. I had a lot of my materials ready by the eve of the speech day (I was set to be one of the first speeches), but I got tired and decided to sleep first (I know I work faster if I'm not tired. I had, after all, spent 2 hours bicycling and 10 hours working at the hospital, plus time to make food...). Well, I woke up at 2, in my frigid-ass unibomber shack (August was cold!), and began to work. And I worked. And I worked. I wanted this stuff memorized. I took one break, when I made breakfast at 6:30 and got ready for the bus at 7, but even then, I worked. At 9:30, I finished the outline, and tried to get my powerpoint fixed up. But! I couldn't. I couldn't get my pictures on to powerpoint, and didn't have time to figure it out. After losing 15 minutes, I decided to use my old powerpoint presentation for my informative speech, which luckily had some pictures I didn't use, and then tried to save it to disc.
The computer ate my floppy.
Frustrated, I threw my hands in the air, and ran to the student store, bought a floppy, and came back. I stuck it in a different computer, pulled my informative speech powerpoint off my email, refinished it for the persuasive speech, saved to the floppy, and back to my email. (Putting powerpoint in email is really nice!) By this time it was 10:00, which is when the class started. I furiously began writing my cards. In my head while I did this, I started getting thoughts: I was on the last part of the last speech in a class that I had completed almost completely. I was a centimeter from victory. I was also a centimeter from failure. If I didn't get to class on time, I was doomed. All would be for naught. I would have to redo everything I did.
It was judgment time.
As I scribbled the information on the flashcards, I saw the time: 10:35. There weren't very many people going to present on the first day of persuasive speeches. Would I make it? Would class be over when I got there? As time when on, I got this overwhelming feeling of my heart sinking, and I felt depressed and frazzled. I felt like I had already lost; That it was hopeless. I wanted to stop.
But I didn't. I knew that I was so very close, that it was time to put up. I wrote that last damn flashcard, picked up everything, and charged to my speech class.
They were almost done.
Everyone was surprised to see me. The teacher thought she saw the telltale sign of someone who hadn't completed their speech, and decided not to show up on their speech day at all. She thought wrong!
I gave that speech in front of everybody, whilst using my flashcards minimally (my way of doing things). After the speech, so many people were engaged by my presentation, that we spent a good half hour talking afterwords about all kinds of parts of social security that weren't about persuasion.
I got an A in that class.
So, now it's over. The one class that's about something I do almost everyday (give speeches), that kicked my ass the first time around (and hurt my self esteem. That was a terrible teacher, whom I heard had a mental breakdown later. But anyway)I was victorious in everything I cared about at that time.
Anyway, A lot happened these past four weeks (it's the second week of school). But I have to catch the last bus to West Haven, so I'll write more later.
Tuesday, August 2
Independence Year
Okay. Been a while since I last posted. This should be expected for who knows how long. At least i'm updating.
So, I got through the spring semester successfully, and I suprised myself -- got all A's. Now CR keeps sending me spam, trying to get me to take engineering courses and whatnot. It's probably because they're short on people for those classes, and want to make sure that the classes don't get cancelled. I have other plans (which I'll get to later), so I won't be taking the classes, but it feels good to get these letters, and, if anything, at least the letters are handsigned :) .
Anyway, as the semester pulled to a finish, I burned out. However, I did make one huge rally of work on finals that paid off, particularly in calculus (where I memorized everything and then took the test without the book (which we were allowed to use. I only forgot it. Bah!)). It was a nice bang to the semester, especially considering that I started turning nerdy once more.
In fact, the computer, teamed up with people leaving me, really decimated my drive. By far, the computer was the worst because I had discovered Rome: Total War. I'll talk more in a minute about the computer, suffice to say that the worst of the computer was in store for me after school ended. As for my friends, most simply moved away, out of contact, and that knocked the wind out of me when I started noticing their absence. And, furthermore, I had one who, in a weird meeting said that we shouldn't see eachother anymore! It was the most bizarre meeting friends for 3 years, and then I become a slightly inconvenient person because I ditch my car and decide to get serious about schooling. Chalk one up for my theory about the direct relationship between beauty and bitch-ness (in particular, lack of respect for others)
As for the computer, I was playing after school quite a bit, and thinking about it during school. Typical addiction, but fortunately I had a very stable plan for studying, so at least I got stuff done. In particular, me getting rid of my car made me take the bus, which is cool cuz there's nothing to do but study (if I can get away from the friends I've made on it)
But, the computer, being a machine, was ready for me when I got done. Being burned out, and also having no set schedule (no order), I got sucked into it. For several weeks, I would just play play play, and still not feel content. four days a week, I would play, and then I'd squeeze time in for it on the other three days.
-sigh-
I hate it when games do that. I love it, though, in an addictive sort of way. I don't know what happens, but the next thing I notice after playing a game that hooks me like that is that it's 4 in the morning (why is it that the fun things make me lose time? Attention span problem, I suppose) I've theorized how I could go through my entire life and not notice anything else, and i've wondered if it would be so bad for that to happen. Not that it's going to happen to me; I am planning on being slightly ludditic in the future. I'll talk more about that in a minute though.
Anyway, many good weeks of fair weather were wasted at the computer. Finally, the hex was broken when I got irritated by the small bugs of Rome:Total War, and me not being able to patch the game (slightly less than legal). Problems such as horrible memory management when the game renders the flaming arrows (turns a sw33t video card into mush and makes the game choppy), the arrows striking your men when they get too close, the AI being retarded in some ways, etc finally made the game less addictive enough to get away from. It's still a really good game (brilliant in many ways), and I think about playing it again just to see an alternate route, but I know better.
but that was not the end of the computer.
To make sure that I really got away from Rome, as well as thinking that my computer was sweet enough to not need MS windows, I turned to going cold turkey with linux. And I did. I used SuSE first (64 bit SuSE), and then debian (which is the first distro I ever came across). I recompiled the kernel to be optimized for my computer. I wrecked the kernel doing that. I tried it again (this time not forgetting to make the modules). All was good. I relearned most everything that I forgot.
I forgot how much of a pain in the ass linux is. Compared to everything else, Linux was cool back in the late 1990's, all the way to 2002, but now i'm starting to be convinced that we're in a new era of computing. I'm tired of reinventing the wheel, just to tailor to my computer. I don't ever want that to happen anymore. Processor's are so fast today, and hard drive space is so huge, that I don't think I mind having to deal with slightly unoptimized code. as long as it works. My computer boots so fast in windows, I turn it on and the desktop is in front of me in 3 seconds, and I didn't have to do anything to it! I don't really care about making the computer better anymore; I just want it to work. That's where we're at today. To sum it up with Eric's words, "Windows is really good for personal workstations. Linux is better for networks such as in government or corporations" and he's right.
However, I do like using those CD based distros (Dyne:bolic is such an awesome one. I think I could swear by it). But, that's about it.
So, I had linux going, no video games (I did use Wine, though), and then I got bored and annoyed with it. So, I went back. But, my inner nerd has stayed with me. I can't think of anything else to do, so I always gravitate back to the computer. Like the protagonist in Apocalypse Now, who is waiting for his mission in his room. He tries to find something better to do, but can't. I've tried reading books, but that only works so long. My eyes get tired, and my back starts having fits (I guess I'm getting old), and that monitor does beckon. So, I've got back to it. And I know why.
Right now, just like at other points in my life, I'm an audiowhore. See, the truth of the matter is, I don't get on the computer for anything but to hear music. This has been the hardest addiction to root out, and it will probably end one of two ways, 1) I conscientiously stop and get away from the computer, or 2) I lose my hearing. What's even worse is that I get all that music in my head, playing ALL THE TIME, wherever I go. I'm half listening to the music in my head, half paying attention to what's going on around me. Its been a good distraction, especially when I am doing nothing important, like mindlessly working at my job, but I don't think it's right. (I guess this is why I'm volunteering at a radio station. Heh.)
I want to fully participate in the world by using my mind to affect what's around me. I don't want what's in my mind to stay there and be forgotten. That's a waste. Instead, I would like to put my mind to good use.
But therein lies some problems. I could start actively engaging my mind right now if I wanted to, but for things like my job, I would get stressed and burned out quickly (keeping track of things *STRAIGHT* for a 10 hour shift (no breaks. Not even lunch!) can get tiresome and stressful). So, I need to put my mind in situations where it will not be taxed like that (have a healthy relationship with the environment, so to speak).
I should mention to you all that the nerd side has been with me for the past few months (but won't be soon). I have had nothing better to do than the computer, so I get on it. I've tried books, but I can only read for so long.
Recently, a great opportunity to focus my mind has opened up. You see, I'm getting kicked out by my father. Heh, every year, he gets closer and closer to kicking me out, only to have it deflected closer and closer to the kickout date. Well, this year, it has come to pass. I didn't do anything wrong; he just thinks i'm too old, and he has 2 girls, one of them expecting a child (I'm gonna be an uncle), so he wants to focus on them (and I'm so close to being done with CR!)
I have had a lot of friends vouch for me, just like all the past times, and I've been offered some sweet deals, but I've decided to move to WestHaven to live with my friend and his family, and finish out my school. It's cool, because i'm going to be 15 minutes away from the beach, and 5 minutes from some awesome bike trails.
I will be living in a tent, though. Hey, it's August, it's fine. To complement this tent, I'll have a bathroom, a washer and dryer, and kitchen. Just no bedroom.
I will have one soon, though. I'm going to work at his place one day a week (they said I could stay for free, but I insist on helping those who help me out. Nobody wants to be jacked), and, when I get his bathroom fixed up, I can stay in their little inlaw house, which is this small victorian looking house, that, inside has this small stove, small sink, table area, and a ladder to the bunk that I could sleep in.
The reason why I can't have it right now is because there's a BIG window to the current bathroom (not the one that needs fixing), and it would be difficult for me to coexist with it, particularly because the current bathroom is outdoors (granted, it's pretty secluded because of how many bushes and trees are around, but still) It's cool though. Once I have this bathroom, I can take baths in a victorian bathtub... outside!
So, I'm actually getting a sweet deal. The bus runs up there, and I'll have plenty of time to study, the only problem is that I'm going to have to bicycle from westhaven to the hospital 2 days a week. But, that's not so bad. It's pretty scenery, and I love exercise. It's only an hour each way...
This isn't the end of the saga, though. About 2 months ago, the landlord (who was only a landlord in name - he had alzheimers) died, and the houses went to the current landlord, who set us up with the house that we're in right now. Well, the new landlord, for some reason, has outright lied to us and has been selling the properties left and right. Furthermore, he's having the realtors sell this place, and he still hasn't told us that he's selling the houses!
So, me and my dad are quite pissed (although not so much I, because I was moving out anyway). It might be hard for taking care of him if he comes to the hospital (he's a sickly guy, so it's highly likely that he'll come). I'm not saying we're going to hurt him; it's standard protocol not to treat people you don't like at the hospital (it's called refusing to treat the patient, and it's not uncommon. Someone else, who doesn't refuse, takes care of the patient instead) but, it's going to be *mighty* awkward to have him in the hospital. Know what I mean?
Anyway, because my dad is getting the boot the way I am, he's been QUITE sympathetic to me. He has given me a car, and is letting me sell an amplifier and 4 x 12' cab to boot (curse that audio equipment for the problems it has caused my family! May the $ help me, though) I think I might sell the car and buy a motorcycle instead; gas is so expensive, and is only going to get worse. Westhaven is far away. But, in any case, he's still giving me the boot to make way for my pregnant sister (whom I don't want to live with anyway. She may not be on drugs anymore, but she can be out of control).
This severance is good in a few ways, though. It means I'll be getting quite a bit of financial aid (I have a lot of friends in the financial aid dept.) as an independent student. Furthermore, I found out that, if I relocated to Utah (I am keeping all options open) I could use the california virtual campus for 2 years to get a bachelors!
However, I'm thinking of biting the bullet and going to a UC -> take out loans if i have to. I'm thinking about becoming a radiology tech (they make GOOD money, and don't even require an associates degree! You can get all the way to a bachelors with it, though) and then using that to get me the degrees I want. Radiology would be a good stepping stone into physics and the other sciences, which is something that i'd like to do (that, and business, ecology, and language). Radiology can be used for x-raying aircraft, various equipment for defects, and some of that technology is just so cool! (ask for a tour at your local hospital. Most radiology techs love to show others what they do!)
So, that's in the cards for me. Once I get the tech degree, I'm going to stay out of debt (make money) but then, I don't know where I'll go. Will I finish up my schooling? (that would be the safe, conservative choice) or will I throw it all to the wind and go traveling and meet people? (Even though it's not the more brilliant choice, my heart is set on this)
I dunno. All I know is that I'm moving to Westhaven soon, and this is a good thing. I will now focus even MORE seriously on schooling, and I will not rest until I get what I'm after.
Now is the time to get out there and do it. No more dicking around. Just do it.
There are no second chances; only wasted opportunities
So, I got through the spring semester successfully, and I suprised myself -- got all A's. Now CR keeps sending me spam, trying to get me to take engineering courses and whatnot. It's probably because they're short on people for those classes, and want to make sure that the classes don't get cancelled. I have other plans (which I'll get to later), so I won't be taking the classes, but it feels good to get these letters, and, if anything, at least the letters are handsigned :) .
Anyway, as the semester pulled to a finish, I burned out. However, I did make one huge rally of work on finals that paid off, particularly in calculus (where I memorized everything and then took the test without the book (which we were allowed to use. I only forgot it. Bah!)). It was a nice bang to the semester, especially considering that I started turning nerdy once more.
In fact, the computer, teamed up with people leaving me, really decimated my drive. By far, the computer was the worst because I had discovered Rome: Total War. I'll talk more in a minute about the computer, suffice to say that the worst of the computer was in store for me after school ended. As for my friends, most simply moved away, out of contact, and that knocked the wind out of me when I started noticing their absence. And, furthermore, I had one who, in a weird meeting said that we shouldn't see eachother anymore! It was the most bizarre meeting friends for 3 years, and then I become a slightly inconvenient person because I ditch my car and decide to get serious about schooling. Chalk one up for my theory about the direct relationship between beauty and bitch-ness (in particular, lack of respect for others)
As for the computer, I was playing after school quite a bit, and thinking about it during school. Typical addiction, but fortunately I had a very stable plan for studying, so at least I got stuff done. In particular, me getting rid of my car made me take the bus, which is cool cuz there's nothing to do but study (if I can get away from the friends I've made on it)
But, the computer, being a machine, was ready for me when I got done. Being burned out, and also having no set schedule (no order), I got sucked into it. For several weeks, I would just play play play, and still not feel content. four days a week, I would play, and then I'd squeeze time in for it on the other three days.
-sigh-
I hate it when games do that. I love it, though, in an addictive sort of way. I don't know what happens, but the next thing I notice after playing a game that hooks me like that is that it's 4 in the morning (why is it that the fun things make me lose time? Attention span problem, I suppose) I've theorized how I could go through my entire life and not notice anything else, and i've wondered if it would be so bad for that to happen. Not that it's going to happen to me; I am planning on being slightly ludditic in the future. I'll talk more about that in a minute though.
Anyway, many good weeks of fair weather were wasted at the computer. Finally, the hex was broken when I got irritated by the small bugs of Rome:Total War, and me not being able to patch the game (slightly less than legal). Problems such as horrible memory management when the game renders the flaming arrows (turns a sw33t video card into mush and makes the game choppy), the arrows striking your men when they get too close, the AI being retarded in some ways, etc finally made the game less addictive enough to get away from. It's still a really good game (brilliant in many ways), and I think about playing it again just to see an alternate route, but I know better.
but that was not the end of the computer.
To make sure that I really got away from Rome, as well as thinking that my computer was sweet enough to not need MS windows, I turned to going cold turkey with linux. And I did. I used SuSE first (64 bit SuSE), and then debian (which is the first distro I ever came across). I recompiled the kernel to be optimized for my computer. I wrecked the kernel doing that. I tried it again (this time not forgetting to make the modules). All was good. I relearned most everything that I forgot.
I forgot how much of a pain in the ass linux is. Compared to everything else, Linux was cool back in the late 1990's, all the way to 2002, but now i'm starting to be convinced that we're in a new era of computing. I'm tired of reinventing the wheel, just to tailor to my computer. I don't ever want that to happen anymore. Processor's are so fast today, and hard drive space is so huge, that I don't think I mind having to deal with slightly unoptimized code. as long as it works. My computer boots so fast in windows, I turn it on and the desktop is in front of me in 3 seconds, and I didn't have to do anything to it! I don't really care about making the computer better anymore; I just want it to work. That's where we're at today. To sum it up with Eric's words, "Windows is really good for personal workstations. Linux is better for networks such as in government or corporations" and he's right.
However, I do like using those CD based distros (Dyne:bolic is such an awesome one. I think I could swear by it). But, that's about it.
So, I had linux going, no video games (I did use Wine, though), and then I got bored and annoyed with it. So, I went back. But, my inner nerd has stayed with me. I can't think of anything else to do, so I always gravitate back to the computer. Like the protagonist in Apocalypse Now, who is waiting for his mission in his room. He tries to find something better to do, but can't. I've tried reading books, but that only works so long. My eyes get tired, and my back starts having fits (I guess I'm getting old), and that monitor does beckon. So, I've got back to it. And I know why.
Right now, just like at other points in my life, I'm an audiowhore. See, the truth of the matter is, I don't get on the computer for anything but to hear music. This has been the hardest addiction to root out, and it will probably end one of two ways, 1) I conscientiously stop and get away from the computer, or 2) I lose my hearing. What's even worse is that I get all that music in my head, playing ALL THE TIME, wherever I go. I'm half listening to the music in my head, half paying attention to what's going on around me. Its been a good distraction, especially when I am doing nothing important, like mindlessly working at my job, but I don't think it's right. (I guess this is why I'm volunteering at a radio station. Heh.)
I want to fully participate in the world by using my mind to affect what's around me. I don't want what's in my mind to stay there and be forgotten. That's a waste. Instead, I would like to put my mind to good use.
But therein lies some problems. I could start actively engaging my mind right now if I wanted to, but for things like my job, I would get stressed and burned out quickly (keeping track of things *STRAIGHT* for a 10 hour shift (no breaks. Not even lunch!) can get tiresome and stressful). So, I need to put my mind in situations where it will not be taxed like that (have a healthy relationship with the environment, so to speak).
I should mention to you all that the nerd side has been with me for the past few months (but won't be soon). I have had nothing better to do than the computer, so I get on it. I've tried books, but I can only read for so long.
Recently, a great opportunity to focus my mind has opened up. You see, I'm getting kicked out by my father. Heh, every year, he gets closer and closer to kicking me out, only to have it deflected closer and closer to the kickout date. Well, this year, it has come to pass. I didn't do anything wrong; he just thinks i'm too old, and he has 2 girls, one of them expecting a child (I'm gonna be an uncle), so he wants to focus on them (and I'm so close to being done with CR!)
I have had a lot of friends vouch for me, just like all the past times, and I've been offered some sweet deals, but I've decided to move to WestHaven to live with my friend and his family, and finish out my school. It's cool, because i'm going to be 15 minutes away from the beach, and 5 minutes from some awesome bike trails.
I will be living in a tent, though. Hey, it's August, it's fine. To complement this tent, I'll have a bathroom, a washer and dryer, and kitchen. Just no bedroom.
I will have one soon, though. I'm going to work at his place one day a week (they said I could stay for free, but I insist on helping those who help me out. Nobody wants to be jacked), and, when I get his bathroom fixed up, I can stay in their little inlaw house, which is this small victorian looking house, that, inside has this small stove, small sink, table area, and a ladder to the bunk that I could sleep in.
The reason why I can't have it right now is because there's a BIG window to the current bathroom (not the one that needs fixing), and it would be difficult for me to coexist with it, particularly because the current bathroom is outdoors (granted, it's pretty secluded because of how many bushes and trees are around, but still) It's cool though. Once I have this bathroom, I can take baths in a victorian bathtub... outside!
So, I'm actually getting a sweet deal. The bus runs up there, and I'll have plenty of time to study, the only problem is that I'm going to have to bicycle from westhaven to the hospital 2 days a week. But, that's not so bad. It's pretty scenery, and I love exercise. It's only an hour each way...
This isn't the end of the saga, though. About 2 months ago, the landlord (who was only a landlord in name - he had alzheimers) died, and the houses went to the current landlord, who set us up with the house that we're in right now. Well, the new landlord, for some reason, has outright lied to us and has been selling the properties left and right. Furthermore, he's having the realtors sell this place, and he still hasn't told us that he's selling the houses!
So, me and my dad are quite pissed (although not so much I, because I was moving out anyway). It might be hard for taking care of him if he comes to the hospital (he's a sickly guy, so it's highly likely that he'll come). I'm not saying we're going to hurt him; it's standard protocol not to treat people you don't like at the hospital (it's called refusing to treat the patient, and it's not uncommon. Someone else, who doesn't refuse, takes care of the patient instead) but, it's going to be *mighty* awkward to have him in the hospital. Know what I mean?
Anyway, because my dad is getting the boot the way I am, he's been QUITE sympathetic to me. He has given me a car, and is letting me sell an amplifier and 4 x 12' cab to boot (curse that audio equipment for the problems it has caused my family! May the $ help me, though) I think I might sell the car and buy a motorcycle instead; gas is so expensive, and is only going to get worse. Westhaven is far away. But, in any case, he's still giving me the boot to make way for my pregnant sister (whom I don't want to live with anyway. She may not be on drugs anymore, but she can be out of control).
This severance is good in a few ways, though. It means I'll be getting quite a bit of financial aid (I have a lot of friends in the financial aid dept.) as an independent student. Furthermore, I found out that, if I relocated to Utah (I am keeping all options open) I could use the california virtual campus for 2 years to get a bachelors!
However, I'm thinking of biting the bullet and going to a UC -> take out loans if i have to. I'm thinking about becoming a radiology tech (they make GOOD money, and don't even require an associates degree! You can get all the way to a bachelors with it, though) and then using that to get me the degrees I want. Radiology would be a good stepping stone into physics and the other sciences, which is something that i'd like to do (that, and business, ecology, and language). Radiology can be used for x-raying aircraft, various equipment for defects, and some of that technology is just so cool! (ask for a tour at your local hospital. Most radiology techs love to show others what they do!)
So, that's in the cards for me. Once I get the tech degree, I'm going to stay out of debt (make money) but then, I don't know where I'll go. Will I finish up my schooling? (that would be the safe, conservative choice) or will I throw it all to the wind and go traveling and meet people? (Even though it's not the more brilliant choice, my heart is set on this)
I dunno. All I know is that I'm moving to Westhaven soon, and this is a good thing. I will now focus even MORE seriously on schooling, and I will not rest until I get what I'm after.
Now is the time to get out there and do it. No more dicking around. Just do it.
There are no second chances; only wasted opportunities
Wednesday, May 11
Quote of the Day
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Blah blah blubba blah blah.
- admin, Photobucket.c&nt
- admin, Photobucket.c&nt
Monday, April 25
The face of Reality is brutal, ugly ... and real.
Okay. I just got back from my calculus test, in which I believe i didn't do too well.
And I feel like explaining myself.
First off, this test didn't deal with very difficult concepts (not compared to other calculus topics, at least) but, that trixy teacher tested me on things I didn't spend much time studying on, and I think I'm gonna pay for it.
First off, I spent waaayyy too much time dealing with what were probably not the best numbers to estimate Newton's method of finding the root of a function. I had to estimate to 9 decimal places, and the calculator just kept getting closer and closer to that magic number, but it $&#$* wouldn't get to the exact number! So, I didn't have that much time to deal with it.
Second, spring break has bitten me in the butt (just like every year) and I just haven't been feeling like doing calculus (especially because I don't need the class. That kills the motivation)
But, after this test, I have realized a process that I go through. I have gone through this process many times before, but I forget it each time.
Not this time!
When I have a workable schedule, and I keep going with it, somehow I feel like if i start slacking or diverting my attention somewhere else, the neglect is going to be negligible. I somehow mistakenly believe that whatever my responsibility is can take care of itself in some way. I'm wrong.
What I forget is that when I am negligent of what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm not only not helping it, i'm hurting it. I'm screwing the process up. I'm ruining the machine. I might as well start hitting it with a hammer!
It's frustrating, because I forget this every time. If I only maintained it and didn't get bored with it being such a routine, I wouldn't suffer. This is a lesson to be learned.
At least I feel like my butt is whooped now, so I'm going to try harder (I think reality just napalmed the tropical paradise that I labeled, "spring fever". What a bastard. Must it be in cahoots with the military?)
But, in a sense, this is all a good thing. It makes me feel like what I'm doing is important again. It has meaning. That creates motivation, and when I complete whatever it is I'm doing when i'm motivated, I am happy. This in turn creates positivity, and feeds into an upward spiral.
Okay. I need to go edit my last really big story (which is going to be printed in a book)
bai bai!
And I feel like explaining myself.
First off, this test didn't deal with very difficult concepts (not compared to other calculus topics, at least) but, that trixy teacher tested me on things I didn't spend much time studying on, and I think I'm gonna pay for it.
First off, I spent waaayyy too much time dealing with what were probably not the best numbers to estimate Newton's method of finding the root of a function. I had to estimate to 9 decimal places, and the calculator just kept getting closer and closer to that magic number, but it $&#$* wouldn't get to the exact number! So, I didn't have that much time to deal with it.
Second, spring break has bitten me in the butt (just like every year) and I just haven't been feeling like doing calculus (especially because I don't need the class. That kills the motivation)
But, after this test, I have realized a process that I go through. I have gone through this process many times before, but I forget it each time.
Not this time!
When I have a workable schedule, and I keep going with it, somehow I feel like if i start slacking or diverting my attention somewhere else, the neglect is going to be negligible. I somehow mistakenly believe that whatever my responsibility is can take care of itself in some way. I'm wrong.
What I forget is that when I am negligent of what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm not only not helping it, i'm hurting it. I'm screwing the process up. I'm ruining the machine. I might as well start hitting it with a hammer!
It's frustrating, because I forget this every time. If I only maintained it and didn't get bored with it being such a routine, I wouldn't suffer. This is a lesson to be learned.
At least I feel like my butt is whooped now, so I'm going to try harder (I think reality just napalmed the tropical paradise that I labeled, "spring fever". What a bastard. Must it be in cahoots with the military?)
But, in a sense, this is all a good thing. It makes me feel like what I'm doing is important again. It has meaning. That creates motivation, and when I complete whatever it is I'm doing when i'm motivated, I am happy. This in turn creates positivity, and feeds into an upward spiral.
Okay. I need to go edit my last really big story (which is going to be printed in a book)
bai bai!
Tuesday, April 5
bouwn chicka bouwn bouwn!
Ok. After not logging on here for almost a month (and thinking about it occasionally) I have decided to devote a little bit of time to blogging (at the expense of my schooling. It'll live). I'm doing this at school once more.
I swear, I live at this school.
It's not so bad, though. It keeps me from blowing my money, which is good, because I won't be able to keep the stuff that I got for very long when I go take my big traveling adventure.
I've found that my most favorite stuff was free. (not that it is free -- but because of me recording streams off the internet (legally), getting gov't subsidized education, etc. makes it free)
I bought all the computer parts to assemble a computer about a month and a half ago -- just to play music. I don't have time for games.
At the time of purchase, I wanted it for all the power. But, what i've discovered is that I basically spent all my money so that I could waste precious amounts of my time to fix the machine up. The machine is not working for me. I am working for it. Sure, the reward that I get out of it -- music and the ability to check my news (which I also think is a waste of time, since I check it so much... I'm making a goal to not check the news anymore... but that's another story) keep me motivated, more willing to work throughout the day, but this ain't worth it.
I need to remind myself before I purchase new technology that the pains of getting new technology to work, even if it's just an update of the technology, need to make me think twice. I want to work towards waiting until a product is standardized and fully supported before i purchase.
But I suppose the pains of getting it all to work is what creates a bond. I get to intimitaly know my machine's quirks -- what works, what doesn't, and so forth. I spend quality time with the machine, and by god, I'm compassionate to it.
And, the more time I spend with that machine, the less I'm willing to give up working with it. I don't want to waste all that time I invested in it!
I dunno. I mean, I love technology and everything, but I am a constant worry wart about my precious time on this Earth. It's kind of like the "You have one week to live" scenario that you'd find in some movie, only extrapolated over a longer time period. I want to extract quality out of my time. It's important to me to have that.
I suppose it's kind of okay to be spending time with the computer, because that's something I enjoy doing. I am "sort of" learning when I'm on it, though I'm not learning any radically new topics, such as knowing exactly how the computer is executing code. I'm just learning the specific details of a subject I already knew proficiently.
I feel like that's somewhat of a waste in time, yes?
Anyway, I try not to worry about time too much. I don't want to be an obsessed time management person.
It reminds me of something someone once told me, about a professor in a business class who, on the first day of class, put a jar on a table, full of rocks. He asked the class, "Is this jar full?" The class pretty much responded with a yes. So, the professor took out a cup full of pebbles and put those in the jar. Again, he asked the class if it was full. This time, the class was divided. So, the professor took out a cup full of sand and dumped it in the jar.
How does this tie in to time management? You can manage time, down to the finest detail. But, what does it cost to manage the little bits of sand? Obviously, there's lots of sand bits to deal with that occupy very little amounts of space. It would take a lot of time to manage those pieces of sand.
On the other hand, the rocks get consume roughly all of the space, while being few in number. They're just the big points in a segment of time.
I would rather complete the main points in a segment of time, and call it a good days' work than any other way. So what do I do?
I take the 5 most important things that I need to do on a day, and do them first. Everything after that doesn't really matter. That's good time management to me.
My one caveat is wasting time. I have a hard time with that. Time is the one resource that I just can't renew no matter how hard I try. So, if I'm gonna spend it, I want to spend it right.
And therein lies my flaw.
The solution? I just need to learn to let go with grace. I mean, i let go of millions things, right? Time, money, pizza, furniture, people, even ourselves. It's a pretty important concept to learn, accept and utilize.
Some things are easy to let go. Others not so much. How difficult it is to let go is usually determined by how much I think it's worth to me.
Of course, there's exceptions, such as when someone you love is gone. You may be rationally able to let go, but something deep down inside won't let you. That's hard...
Anyway, I must go to class soon, and so, before I leave, I'd like to mention what I'm currently up to (I know that I was going to recount what has happened since the blog of Oct. 31, but I've decided to postpone that until I feel like writing about it until I truly feel like doing it, if ever. I only worry that the memories of that time period will fade off to the wayside. I want to make sure I record what I have done to remind myself in the future)
A lot of things happened recently. In a sense, it's the dawn of a new era (seems to happen in the spring. Probably because I get on the upswing of things in spring, which, by the way, I discovered happens every springtime (and as a sidenote, I found out that I have some sort of seasonal depression problem going on. I haven't really thought about how to deal with it, but I don't want to use drugs)). First off, I told Meghannraye how I felt about her and her drug usage. She got very upset, which is to be expected, and I'm sure she felt like I was way too harsh on her because I sent her into tears. I thought she was never going to call me again, but she has done so since.
That made me feel better, although I wonder as to what extent our relationship is damaged. Probably still thriving, I hope, although I'm starting to get bored with hanging out with her. We keep going for walks or eating somewhere, etc. and I want a change. I want to grow with people. Maybe I just need a break from her for a while. We'll see what becomes of it. I am going to talk to her about it. (expect more crying, but I'm also going to tell her some things that will really strengthen everything)
As I think I mentioned before, Evan's gone. He went into the military about a month ago, and I haven't heard from him since, other than his exgirlfriend talked to him, and was only able to get his mailing address (she said that she kept hearing someone in the background calling him to get back in line, and he kept stalling.) we don't know if the mailing address is correct, because there was electrical noise on the phone line, and the address was really, really long.
Evan was my best friend. He's practically my brother. I could never tire of that guy, even when we fought. He helped me to realize things, such as learning about boundaries that I have for myself and that others have.
I have a problem of being picky on selecting ideas for talking about. Moreover, to a certain extent, I have problems conforming to an unwritten code of what is okay to do and what is not okay. I'm not as bad as Evan was. We were both growing, though, and getting better at breaking those boundaries and being who we wanted to be, not what others wanted us to be.
I can say with complete honesty that I'm a completely different person from who i was a year ago. I spend more time working towards what I want. I do what's important to me. I'm happier than ever before.
Anyway, as Evan faded from view (I miss you, buddy!) the metrosexual has been focusing in.
The week after Evan left, I started attending meetings to set up a radio station in the area (the blue ox radio station (or, they prefer to call it, "the humboldt bay youth radio station", or KKDS)) Erin has been there, and we've been having a good time launching the thing. We're now part of a core group of 10 people, and plan on being on the air come this August at 97.7FM .
So, we've been hanging out more often then not (and slightly to the detriment of my homework. But, whatever. I seem to be getting A's still, though I'm not sure how, since I feel like I'm cheating.), and that's been good.
Speaking of school, I'm doing well in every class save creative writing, and it's not that the creative writing assignments got harder, it's that I've made the class harder for me. I mean, technically I just need to turn in 4 pages of stuff that I have written each week to get credit -- it doesn't truly matter what I turn in, but the story ideas, plot, and character workings are getting so technical that it's drawing a lot of time. The pages are being churned out, but the stories aren't getting completed on time. And that's not good. I just wish I had enough time to finish these stories.
Moreover, I get discouraged when I'm failing. Lately, i've been having a harder time perservering at the face of adversity. If I do poorly on a test, i'm not motivated to try harder, but the opposite. That's not good! So, when i don't turn in these assignments, I don't want to keep writing. I'm not getting credit for what I do.
So, I try to avoid writing, even when I set myself down and tell myself to do it.
I've got to break this mold. I don't know how, really, and I don't want to dumb down my stories, because I'm at a breakthrough point in understanding how to tell stories really well, and I don't want to kill that. In fact, I don't think I will be able to ever go back to my former way of thinking ever again. But, I've got to do something.
Perhaps it's that it takes a long time to write down what I want because i'm so selective on my ideas to put down. Like I said before, I spend a lot of time discriminating ideas in my head, thinking "Nope, that's not gonna work" or "That's not good enough", etc. It's like a drill sergeant trying to keep my thoughts in order with brute force, and it's rough on me.
Perhaps, if i consistently told the drill sergeant, "Good job. Here, you've worked hard enough, go to take five!" I might get something done, yes?
I swear, I live at this school.
It's not so bad, though. It keeps me from blowing my money, which is good, because I won't be able to keep the stuff that I got for very long when I go take my big traveling adventure.
I've found that my most favorite stuff was free. (not that it is free -- but because of me recording streams off the internet (legally), getting gov't subsidized education, etc. makes it free)
I bought all the computer parts to assemble a computer about a month and a half ago -- just to play music. I don't have time for games.
At the time of purchase, I wanted it for all the power. But, what i've discovered is that I basically spent all my money so that I could waste precious amounts of my time to fix the machine up. The machine is not working for me. I am working for it. Sure, the reward that I get out of it -- music and the ability to check my news (which I also think is a waste of time, since I check it so much... I'm making a goal to not check the news anymore... but that's another story) keep me motivated, more willing to work throughout the day, but this ain't worth it.
I need to remind myself before I purchase new technology that the pains of getting new technology to work, even if it's just an update of the technology, need to make me think twice. I want to work towards waiting until a product is standardized and fully supported before i purchase.
But I suppose the pains of getting it all to work is what creates a bond. I get to intimitaly know my machine's quirks -- what works, what doesn't, and so forth. I spend quality time with the machine, and by god, I'm compassionate to it.
And, the more time I spend with that machine, the less I'm willing to give up working with it. I don't want to waste all that time I invested in it!
I dunno. I mean, I love technology and everything, but I am a constant worry wart about my precious time on this Earth. It's kind of like the "You have one week to live" scenario that you'd find in some movie, only extrapolated over a longer time period. I want to extract quality out of my time. It's important to me to have that.
I suppose it's kind of okay to be spending time with the computer, because that's something I enjoy doing. I am "sort of" learning when I'm on it, though I'm not learning any radically new topics, such as knowing exactly how the computer is executing code. I'm just learning the specific details of a subject I already knew proficiently.
I feel like that's somewhat of a waste in time, yes?
Anyway, I try not to worry about time too much. I don't want to be an obsessed time management person.
It reminds me of something someone once told me, about a professor in a business class who, on the first day of class, put a jar on a table, full of rocks. He asked the class, "Is this jar full?" The class pretty much responded with a yes. So, the professor took out a cup full of pebbles and put those in the jar. Again, he asked the class if it was full. This time, the class was divided. So, the professor took out a cup full of sand and dumped it in the jar.
How does this tie in to time management? You can manage time, down to the finest detail. But, what does it cost to manage the little bits of sand? Obviously, there's lots of sand bits to deal with that occupy very little amounts of space. It would take a lot of time to manage those pieces of sand.
On the other hand, the rocks get consume roughly all of the space, while being few in number. They're just the big points in a segment of time.
I would rather complete the main points in a segment of time, and call it a good days' work than any other way. So what do I do?
I take the 5 most important things that I need to do on a day, and do them first. Everything after that doesn't really matter. That's good time management to me.
My one caveat is wasting time. I have a hard time with that. Time is the one resource that I just can't renew no matter how hard I try. So, if I'm gonna spend it, I want to spend it right.
And therein lies my flaw.
The solution? I just need to learn to let go with grace. I mean, i let go of millions things, right? Time, money, pizza, furniture, people, even ourselves. It's a pretty important concept to learn, accept and utilize.
Some things are easy to let go. Others not so much. How difficult it is to let go is usually determined by how much I think it's worth to me.
Of course, there's exceptions, such as when someone you love is gone. You may be rationally able to let go, but something deep down inside won't let you. That's hard...
Anyway, I must go to class soon, and so, before I leave, I'd like to mention what I'm currently up to (I know that I was going to recount what has happened since the blog of Oct. 31, but I've decided to postpone that until I feel like writing about it until I truly feel like doing it, if ever. I only worry that the memories of that time period will fade off to the wayside. I want to make sure I record what I have done to remind myself in the future)
A lot of things happened recently. In a sense, it's the dawn of a new era (seems to happen in the spring. Probably because I get on the upswing of things in spring, which, by the way, I discovered happens every springtime (and as a sidenote, I found out that I have some sort of seasonal depression problem going on. I haven't really thought about how to deal with it, but I don't want to use drugs)). First off, I told Meghannraye how I felt about her and her drug usage. She got very upset, which is to be expected, and I'm sure she felt like I was way too harsh on her because I sent her into tears. I thought she was never going to call me again, but she has done so since.
That made me feel better, although I wonder as to what extent our relationship is damaged. Probably still thriving, I hope, although I'm starting to get bored with hanging out with her. We keep going for walks or eating somewhere, etc. and I want a change. I want to grow with people. Maybe I just need a break from her for a while. We'll see what becomes of it. I am going to talk to her about it. (expect more crying, but I'm also going to tell her some things that will really strengthen everything)
As I think I mentioned before, Evan's gone. He went into the military about a month ago, and I haven't heard from him since, other than his exgirlfriend talked to him, and was only able to get his mailing address (she said that she kept hearing someone in the background calling him to get back in line, and he kept stalling.) we don't know if the mailing address is correct, because there was electrical noise on the phone line, and the address was really, really long.
Evan was my best friend. He's practically my brother. I could never tire of that guy, even when we fought. He helped me to realize things, such as learning about boundaries that I have for myself and that others have.
I have a problem of being picky on selecting ideas for talking about. Moreover, to a certain extent, I have problems conforming to an unwritten code of what is okay to do and what is not okay. I'm not as bad as Evan was. We were both growing, though, and getting better at breaking those boundaries and being who we wanted to be, not what others wanted us to be.
I can say with complete honesty that I'm a completely different person from who i was a year ago. I spend more time working towards what I want. I do what's important to me. I'm happier than ever before.
Anyway, as Evan faded from view (I miss you, buddy!) the metrosexual has been focusing in.
The week after Evan left, I started attending meetings to set up a radio station in the area (the blue ox radio station (or, they prefer to call it, "the humboldt bay youth radio station", or KKDS)) Erin has been there, and we've been having a good time launching the thing. We're now part of a core group of 10 people, and plan on being on the air come this August at 97.7FM .
So, we've been hanging out more often then not (and slightly to the detriment of my homework. But, whatever. I seem to be getting A's still, though I'm not sure how, since I feel like I'm cheating.), and that's been good.
Speaking of school, I'm doing well in every class save creative writing, and it's not that the creative writing assignments got harder, it's that I've made the class harder for me. I mean, technically I just need to turn in 4 pages of stuff that I have written each week to get credit -- it doesn't truly matter what I turn in, but the story ideas, plot, and character workings are getting so technical that it's drawing a lot of time. The pages are being churned out, but the stories aren't getting completed on time. And that's not good. I just wish I had enough time to finish these stories.
Moreover, I get discouraged when I'm failing. Lately, i've been having a harder time perservering at the face of adversity. If I do poorly on a test, i'm not motivated to try harder, but the opposite. That's not good! So, when i don't turn in these assignments, I don't want to keep writing. I'm not getting credit for what I do.
So, I try to avoid writing, even when I set myself down and tell myself to do it.
I've got to break this mold. I don't know how, really, and I don't want to dumb down my stories, because I'm at a breakthrough point in understanding how to tell stories really well, and I don't want to kill that. In fact, I don't think I will be able to ever go back to my former way of thinking ever again. But, I've got to do something.
Perhaps it's that it takes a long time to write down what I want because i'm so selective on my ideas to put down. Like I said before, I spend a lot of time discriminating ideas in my head, thinking "Nope, that's not gonna work" or "That's not good enough", etc. It's like a drill sergeant trying to keep my thoughts in order with brute force, and it's rough on me.
Perhaps, if i consistently told the drill sergeant, "Good job. Here, you've worked hard enough, go to take five!" I might get something done, yes?
Wednesday, March 16
"I want my friends back, you son of a" --"Hey! Where'd you learn such words?"
Eheh. It's been too long since I've written. A LOT has happened since I last wrote. For a long time, I have wanted to write in here regularly, but I've been so gosh darn busy with life. I have to be busy so that my father and my workplace don't bother me. Both make me do a lot of work, and my father gets frustrated when I'm not trying hard enough in school. He wants me out of the house...
Anyway, I'm going to try and recap everything that I have done since October, though it's impossible to do so. So many good things, awesome experiences, and endings and beginnings have happened... I just wish I had written about them around the time that they had happened so that I could communicate the feeling.
Sometimes, I get this crazy idea to draw simple pictures of featureless figures using the color burgundy, a light shade of grade, and black, to illustrate so-called "eras" in my life. Pictures can say so many words in such small amounts of space.
As a quick overview before I go into the nitty gritty details, last fall was a so-called "downstroke" for me. Everything seemed like it was going downhill. I regressed a bit in terms of my rate of accomplishments, and that made me depressed.
In general, though, I always get depressed in the fall and overly positive in the spring. I think that's weird since that sort of thing is supposed to peak in the winter, when it actually peaks in the middle of fall.
So I went down emotionally for a little while back in the late fall. However, Meghannraye, and to a certain extent, PM and Evan helped keep me together.
I just felt like I was going nowhere. That wasn't true, and I knew that, but i couldn't help but feel that way. I just felt like I wasn't trying hard enough.
Anyway, in the fall, I spent a lot of time pricing items, and got really good at finding more clothes on the cheap, as well as top of the line electronics (at that time) for nothing! To name a few, I bought a 16x dvd burner for $40, as well as a 160 gig hard drive for the same price.
But other than that, I just felt dead. I know why that is now (it's my job). Every day, I'd come home, and I'd just fall asleep. I'd be exhausted from being stressed out but not moving around. My dad tried to help me (which, by the way, my relationship between me and him improved dramatically over the fall) but nothing worked. I'd just be too tired.
I read what I wrote about my speech class, and I'd like to say that that wasn't really the truth. The truth was that I was so discouraged by the teacher that I left. The deadline to drop a class was approaching, as was my first full blown speech. The thing was, when I signed up for that class, I was planning on it being a lot of fun and a great way to communicate. Over the summer, I would literally spend entire days just talking to people because I had such a large volume of people to check up on and be checked up on by (which was great). I had literally turned into a social machine.
But, after the teacher started attacking everybody who went up there (making fun of speaker in front of the audience, as well as privately criticizing everybody), my self confidence was shattered. It hurt me right in the gut when the teacher gave me back my critique telling me that my topic was not in sync with what she wanted (she wanted a media article published on the day I was born that had something to do with my life today. I did my car accident (which linked with a car accident article)). I was spared the embarrassment of being mocked on stage, and a lot of people went so far as to say that I really connected with them, but that teacher...
Folks, please remember that everybody's self confidence is like an frail, overloaded boat, ready to sink. If you should criticize somebody on an aspect (can be anything)when they give their best effort to try to improve that aspect, you utterly destroy them -- you sink the boat.
To sum up: Stick and stones may break bones, but words shatter souls.
And that's what happened to me. Not so much that I was criticized, but just seeing my peers being beaten by this mean lady.
So, I quit and took astronomy instead, which is something I love and proved to be refreshing for me. It was more refreshing than home, where I was playing video games to medicate my depression (video games -> forget what's going on around me, though that does no good because I'm just falling behind in life)
I didn't really make new friends that semester. Strangely, the only new friends I made were females.
I value guy friends more than female friends, and I wish I could say that I have made some more guy friends since the summer. But I recognize why I'm not making guy friends. My attitude is starting to change where I'm inflexible, and in this world where all males want to be the alpha male, the tension of me and others is too great.
But, on the flip side, I've picked up lots of women as friends. I don't think I like this, though. Women are a pain in the ass to deal with. Seriously! They take work -- in a sense, you have to be biased towards what they want and it's way too easy to tromp all over them and their egos.
So, anyway, while I regressed, I spent a LOT of time with Meghannraye until the end of December. We really should've been boyfriend/girlfriend (everyone, including my mentor, told me I should) but now things have died down and it's not such a good idea anymore. Furthermore, do I want such tension, when I know that I'm going to move away to Japan in the near future?
What the hell. Throw it all to the wind. That's what living is all about. You only get to live once...
So, to sum up November, I spent a lot of time with Meg, as well as Evan. I'd spend breakfast club with them, or just be at Trinidad surfing, and so forth. Apart from them, I continued to regress by playing video games.
I hate video games. I feel so limited playing them, (there's only certain things that are possible to do, and other things are left out) and I don't feel like my life is improving when playing them. And it shows because... I really don't have much more to say about November, other than I spent quite a bit of time with my family.
Hmm... I feel like I'm rambling right now. I think i'm saying the same things over and over and over... It's 1:30 in the morning (I'm NEVER up at this hour) and I'm tired. (I think I'm going to go to bed)
But, this is a start. Now that I've begun writing, I will try to continue writing. It will improve, I can triple guarantee you that!
In this universe, there's no such thing as a second chance, Only opportunities. Once you forego an opportunity, it's gone forever. It's up to you to not let this happen!
Anyway, I'm going to try and recap everything that I have done since October, though it's impossible to do so. So many good things, awesome experiences, and endings and beginnings have happened... I just wish I had written about them around the time that they had happened so that I could communicate the feeling.
Sometimes, I get this crazy idea to draw simple pictures of featureless figures using the color burgundy, a light shade of grade, and black, to illustrate so-called "eras" in my life. Pictures can say so many words in such small amounts of space.
As a quick overview before I go into the nitty gritty details, last fall was a so-called "downstroke" for me. Everything seemed like it was going downhill. I regressed a bit in terms of my rate of accomplishments, and that made me depressed.
In general, though, I always get depressed in the fall and overly positive in the spring. I think that's weird since that sort of thing is supposed to peak in the winter, when it actually peaks in the middle of fall.
So I went down emotionally for a little while back in the late fall. However, Meghannraye, and to a certain extent, PM and Evan helped keep me together.
I just felt like I was going nowhere. That wasn't true, and I knew that, but i couldn't help but feel that way. I just felt like I wasn't trying hard enough.
Anyway, in the fall, I spent a lot of time pricing items, and got really good at finding more clothes on the cheap, as well as top of the line electronics (at that time) for nothing! To name a few, I bought a 16x dvd burner for $40, as well as a 160 gig hard drive for the same price.
But other than that, I just felt dead. I know why that is now (it's my job). Every day, I'd come home, and I'd just fall asleep. I'd be exhausted from being stressed out but not moving around. My dad tried to help me (which, by the way, my relationship between me and him improved dramatically over the fall) but nothing worked. I'd just be too tired.
I read what I wrote about my speech class, and I'd like to say that that wasn't really the truth. The truth was that I was so discouraged by the teacher that I left. The deadline to drop a class was approaching, as was my first full blown speech. The thing was, when I signed up for that class, I was planning on it being a lot of fun and a great way to communicate. Over the summer, I would literally spend entire days just talking to people because I had such a large volume of people to check up on and be checked up on by (which was great). I had literally turned into a social machine.
But, after the teacher started attacking everybody who went up there (making fun of speaker in front of the audience, as well as privately criticizing everybody), my self confidence was shattered. It hurt me right in the gut when the teacher gave me back my critique telling me that my topic was not in sync with what she wanted (she wanted a media article published on the day I was born that had something to do with my life today. I did my car accident (which linked with a car accident article)). I was spared the embarrassment of being mocked on stage, and a lot of people went so far as to say that I really connected with them, but that teacher...
Folks, please remember that everybody's self confidence is like an frail, overloaded boat, ready to sink. If you should criticize somebody on an aspect (can be anything)when they give their best effort to try to improve that aspect, you utterly destroy them -- you sink the boat.
To sum up: Stick and stones may break bones, but words shatter souls.
And that's what happened to me. Not so much that I was criticized, but just seeing my peers being beaten by this mean lady.
So, I quit and took astronomy instead, which is something I love and proved to be refreshing for me. It was more refreshing than home, where I was playing video games to medicate my depression (video games -> forget what's going on around me, though that does no good because I'm just falling behind in life)
I didn't really make new friends that semester. Strangely, the only new friends I made were females.
I value guy friends more than female friends, and I wish I could say that I have made some more guy friends since the summer. But I recognize why I'm not making guy friends. My attitude is starting to change where I'm inflexible, and in this world where all males want to be the alpha male, the tension of me and others is too great.
But, on the flip side, I've picked up lots of women as friends. I don't think I like this, though. Women are a pain in the ass to deal with. Seriously! They take work -- in a sense, you have to be biased towards what they want and it's way too easy to tromp all over them and their egos.
So, anyway, while I regressed, I spent a LOT of time with Meghannraye until the end of December. We really should've been boyfriend/girlfriend (everyone, including my mentor, told me I should) but now things have died down and it's not such a good idea anymore. Furthermore, do I want such tension, when I know that I'm going to move away to Japan in the near future?
What the hell. Throw it all to the wind. That's what living is all about. You only get to live once...
So, to sum up November, I spent a lot of time with Meg, as well as Evan. I'd spend breakfast club with them, or just be at Trinidad surfing, and so forth. Apart from them, I continued to regress by playing video games.
I hate video games. I feel so limited playing them, (there's only certain things that are possible to do, and other things are left out) and I don't feel like my life is improving when playing them. And it shows because... I really don't have much more to say about November, other than I spent quite a bit of time with my family.
Hmm... I feel like I'm rambling right now. I think i'm saying the same things over and over and over... It's 1:30 in the morning (I'm NEVER up at this hour) and I'm tired. (I think I'm going to go to bed)
But, this is a start. Now that I've begun writing, I will try to continue writing. It will improve, I can triple guarantee you that!
In this universe, there's no such thing as a second chance, Only opportunities. Once you forego an opportunity, it's gone forever. It's up to you to not let this happen!
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