This computer... needs to be taught a lesson...
Anyway!
I'd like to thank all you people who've given immediate pledgings of support today. Credit goes to Erin for his roommate extension abilities (can live with me at any place at any time cuz of his rich grandparents) Evan for his topoff of Hodge's needing of a roommate (that'd be interesting...), Will for his immediate demand to move to Fresno (haven't talked to him in almost a year... funny he was online) my family for support if i go to Utah, Sensei for his trial of getting a room free within the constrained time, and Paul for his default of living in his trailer.
Those of you who look at stuff on this site get double thankees, since i'm going to thank each and every one of you personally.
Let the moving contest begin! Our *ahem* contestants will BATTLE IT OUT with eachother to win my favor (oh god what a pissing contest). Good luck!
Wednesday, February 25
confessions
*This Post Has Been Modified. Again and again and again...*
Ok. I don't really know who reads this blog (though I know a few people do, since they email me responses (why don't you try using the comments button at the bottom?)) but as you are well aware, this is my blogspace and I write whatever I want/think/whatever, without any holdback (I do realize that this could be my downfall, but everything works out in the end). I may be criticized about what I write this time, but I can't stop thinking about it. I want to level everything out. What's more, I have written previously that this blog is to be a snapshot of my life in the moment. It's important to me, even if there's some posts that I write once and am too embarrassed to look at again (which I bet this one will be). I may and probably will look at this post, years from now, and exclaim, "What were you thinking, Darrel? That was stupid." I guess I'm doomed, but here's looking at you, future Darrel! *Looks at future Darrel*
And, on a final note, my head is undergoing a crisis at the moment, whilst my heart does its confusion thang. I'm wondering whether I should be writing at all today, since I have some very, very, very important decisions to make.
Here goes...
I've been thinking about Jamie way too much lately. It's something that never really stopped when we broke up. I thought the thoughts would go away when I broke up with her, but they didn't. I worked on drowning it out with work and the support of friends, but it didn't stop it. The fact that I keep looking at her blog and deviantart really hasn't helped, either. Like most pains, I tried to just let the feeling/emotion go in through me, passing through, and then out the other side. But these pains aren't going away. Like waves in the ocean, they keep pounding me.
They're getting stronger.
I noticed that the postings on her blog were beginning to mention me. I shouldn't be eavesdropping on my ex's stuff, but i couldn't help it. I have confessions to make: I still love her, and no one succesfully stopped me. I lied to her and to myself.
She broke up with me; we were supposed to not be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. we had been on the brink of breaking up for a long time (mainly with issues (concerning me) that are resolved now), and sometimes I thought we had broken up. But we hadn't. Then, when she did, I didn't let her back out. I didn't want to play the cat-and-mouse game of breaking up anymore. I wanted to try something new to see if it would work.
I don't know why I chose to lie rather than be up front and tell her I wanted to try something new, just to see if it would work. Lying never works. But I know I was a desperate person back in that time. Maybe it was partially not because of her, but because the friend group that I was with had such rigid, strong bonds that I felt it was impossible to get away without disposing of everything (the group that I was with treated me terribly towards the end. Mayhaps I wanted a quick end? I know that they are not terrible people, but I still remember...). Maybe there were just too many problems for me to deal with at the time. I had been overwhelmed with problems, and there was nobody around in the aforementioned group who could help me out. Maybe they could've helped me out, but there were problems within the group that made me feel uncomfortable sharing myself with them that I couldn't express to them directly. Maybe it was my old group of friends trying to reclaim me, and me wanting to be reclaimed. The only problem was that they were disdainful of everyone in my former group. Maybe it was the completely new group that I met that had broken up the same day: Duncan and Ray. Maybe I didn't want to fall prey to the "cycle of death", as they had. In fact, as I piece this together for the 3rd time, it's all coming back...
I know that there was profound, concealed jealousy at the time, though I think I was really incorrect and distracted for feeling that way.
Whatever is the case, I lied. When I lied, I didn't think about what I was saying. "I don't love you anymore" was just like babbling "fah seh guhla guhla". I numbed myself to it all. I didn't let myself think about the reaction, I tried to just be in a trance/altered state of conscious during and after I said it. In a way, it's like saying it to a wall. How easy is it to say something to a wall? Maybe I was saying it to the windup teeth. Whatever the case, me saying what I did was extremely cold.
I take full responsibility for what I said when I left her house that day. You can't not think about it forever; if you're me, you're compelled to. And when you do, it hurts. While i struggled to cope with the feelings, letting them pass, I tried to forget what I had said, or at least as much detail as possible. To this day, I remember tiny bits and things but not much else.
I didn't stop calling her, though I noticed that she was gravitating towards talking to me less and less. I was alarmed, cuz, goshdarnit, I was still in love. I knew she was going to end it all, because I couldn't let go.
And i'm also discovering that I still can't (That sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.)!
I used my friends talkings to keep me from thinking about her. They didn't like her that much, but they didn't understand. Heh, this sounds so sleazy but to me she really is one-in-a-million. I could've had a relationship with Shannon but instead I became a mediating friend so she would meet Ray. Despite the huge scandal, I never slept with Meghanraye. Leah was never someone I could've been happy with. Katie Von Kelso is only interested in sexuality. None of these people ever captivated my heart, none of these people were I ever interested in.
But i couldn't handle her. I had this problem of being in a state of comfort that rendered me similar to a harvested cabbage. I was going nowhere being with her, and everyone else was progressing. Though this isn't necessarily true, I felt that way. Perception is the most important part of reality. I had too many troubles, and couldn't get a grip on myself.
When we finally stopped talking I tried to not think about her, but it got worse and worse. I've tried testing my willpower against all kinds of things in an effort to use my willpower not to think of her or want to be with her (because the relationship is so shot, I don't think it'll ever work again. She is so reactive to negative things, and the things I did at the end of our communique are the equivalent of capital relationship punishment (CARP or CRAP (heh)). I know I wasn't going to say what it was that I was testing my willpower against, but I had a serious change of mind after thinking about the exact sentence that said I wouldn't mention my willpower test. This is my blog and I don't hide my feelings (Even when people see them).
I had a progress test in place. I was going to stop looking at her blog. Just quit cold turkey. I was having another wicked wave of nyanko-nalgia and told myself that I was going to look at her blog one... last... time... for once and for all (ok, so maybe not for a year or two. That's usually enough time)
When I served my last request, I saw her post about how she had been thinking about me. If that isn't mockery, what is?
Scratch the de-nyanko-ization from that staging point (I'm tired and said I wouldn't be writing anymore, but... the short of it is that things like this keep happening to me. I'm fatally screwed. My friends can only whisper misinformation in my ear for so long. I've been drunk on lies. It's a terrible thing)
A monkey wrench had been thrown into my heart's mechanics. Meghanraye kept saying, "Aw, you're in love with her still, aren't you?" -sigh-
Paul kept threatening, and even once attempted to throw away the portraits the Jamie had given me. Sensei kept throwing her into the forefront during movies, which, while all of it was recycled stuff he had been saying for a long time, kept reminding me of her during what I wanted to be the prime time of distraction (for me).
In general, It's like there's this subconscious message that everyone is telling me. Even if they don't realize it.
On a side note, it's kind of weird. On Jamie's blog was a posting about her dream of me (here comes the eavesdropper again. I am not proud) she said something about "the conqueror". I had already planned on using the name, "konqueror" for a post heading for a little while. Coincidence? I have had my faith shaken before.
I have so many things to write, like what solutions i propose (I dunno. I need time to think. I don't think there's any action to take at this moment), and whether I want her to see this post (it was gonna be posted whether she saw it or not. In honesty, yeah i want her to see it but i'm also worried about that), and all kinds of other things. But i'm late for accounting class again. Bah
Perception is Reality
D.
update: I should mention that the previous was written in 30 minutes. That's not a lot of time, so i poured my heart into it, unleashing what I could given the limited time. Originally I only added a sentence and changed one word, but now... go read it again if you already have!
Something that's usually too abstract to explain occurs to me right now in a form that's not too difficult to explain (nay, you may say easy?). Something is just so... right about Jamie. Most of you may never know or understand. (Am I losing the abstract idea as I type away?). To leave her and never talk to her again... -sigh-. It's a stupid, classic idea that always strikes me. But I think i've lost too much. Some other time, then.
Will the end result of it all be like girls past, where I basically think in my head, "Ah, the ball is in her court. If she wants something started up again, she'll have to speak to me" and nothing ever happens, and that's the end of story? The last time I saw her she didn't want to see me again. Going back would be suicide or something, yes? Well then I guess I'm screwed.
Before you people go, I want you all to know that this is all stuff that has recurred in my head over and over again. Stating it at least gets it out in the open. That's all I'm doing...
I'd like to type some more, but i'm quite tired. Its been a long day, full of everything.
Oh. Jamie, if you read this, I COMPLETELY didn't mean to but I got 654 on your deviantart (even have the screenshot). There it was, staring me in the face. I'm not asking for anything though.
Maybe I'll just be her biggest secret fan
D.
Ok. I don't really know who reads this blog (though I know a few people do, since they email me responses (why don't you try using the comments button at the bottom?)) but as you are well aware, this is my blogspace and I write whatever I want/think/whatever, without any holdback (I do realize that this could be my downfall, but everything works out in the end). I may be criticized about what I write this time, but I can't stop thinking about it. I want to level everything out. What's more, I have written previously that this blog is to be a snapshot of my life in the moment. It's important to me, even if there's some posts that I write once and am too embarrassed to look at again (which I bet this one will be). I may and probably will look at this post, years from now, and exclaim, "What were you thinking, Darrel? That was stupid." I guess I'm doomed, but here's looking at you, future Darrel! *Looks at future Darrel*
And, on a final note, my head is undergoing a crisis at the moment, whilst my heart does its confusion thang. I'm wondering whether I should be writing at all today, since I have some very, very, very important decisions to make.
Here goes...
I've been thinking about Jamie way too much lately. It's something that never really stopped when we broke up. I thought the thoughts would go away when I broke up with her, but they didn't. I worked on drowning it out with work and the support of friends, but it didn't stop it. The fact that I keep looking at her blog and deviantart really hasn't helped, either. Like most pains, I tried to just let the feeling/emotion go in through me, passing through, and then out the other side. But these pains aren't going away. Like waves in the ocean, they keep pounding me.
They're getting stronger.
I noticed that the postings on her blog were beginning to mention me. I shouldn't be eavesdropping on my ex's stuff, but i couldn't help it. I have confessions to make: I still love her, and no one succesfully stopped me. I lied to her and to myself.
She broke up with me; we were supposed to not be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. we had been on the brink of breaking up for a long time (mainly with issues (concerning me) that are resolved now), and sometimes I thought we had broken up. But we hadn't. Then, when she did, I didn't let her back out. I didn't want to play the cat-and-mouse game of breaking up anymore. I wanted to try something new to see if it would work.
I don't know why I chose to lie rather than be up front and tell her I wanted to try something new, just to see if it would work. Lying never works. But I know I was a desperate person back in that time. Maybe it was partially not because of her, but because the friend group that I was with had such rigid, strong bonds that I felt it was impossible to get away without disposing of everything (the group that I was with treated me terribly towards the end. Mayhaps I wanted a quick end? I know that they are not terrible people, but I still remember...). Maybe there were just too many problems for me to deal with at the time. I had been overwhelmed with problems, and there was nobody around in the aforementioned group who could help me out. Maybe they could've helped me out, but there were problems within the group that made me feel uncomfortable sharing myself with them that I couldn't express to them directly. Maybe it was my old group of friends trying to reclaim me, and me wanting to be reclaimed. The only problem was that they were disdainful of everyone in my former group. Maybe it was the completely new group that I met that had broken up the same day: Duncan and Ray. Maybe I didn't want to fall prey to the "cycle of death", as they had. In fact, as I piece this together for the 3rd time, it's all coming back...
I know that there was profound, concealed jealousy at the time, though I think I was really incorrect and distracted for feeling that way.
Whatever is the case, I lied. When I lied, I didn't think about what I was saying. "I don't love you anymore" was just like babbling "fah seh guhla guhla". I numbed myself to it all. I didn't let myself think about the reaction, I tried to just be in a trance/altered state of conscious during and after I said it. In a way, it's like saying it to a wall. How easy is it to say something to a wall? Maybe I was saying it to the windup teeth. Whatever the case, me saying what I did was extremely cold.
I take full responsibility for what I said when I left her house that day. You can't not think about it forever; if you're me, you're compelled to. And when you do, it hurts. While i struggled to cope with the feelings, letting them pass, I tried to forget what I had said, or at least as much detail as possible. To this day, I remember tiny bits and things but not much else.
I didn't stop calling her, though I noticed that she was gravitating towards talking to me less and less. I was alarmed, cuz, goshdarnit, I was still in love. I knew she was going to end it all, because I couldn't let go.
And i'm also discovering that I still can't (That sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.)!
I used my friends talkings to keep me from thinking about her. They didn't like her that much, but they didn't understand. Heh, this sounds so sleazy but to me she really is one-in-a-million. I could've had a relationship with Shannon but instead I became a mediating friend so she would meet Ray. Despite the huge scandal, I never slept with Meghanraye. Leah was never someone I could've been happy with. Katie Von Kelso is only interested in sexuality. None of these people ever captivated my heart, none of these people were I ever interested in.
But i couldn't handle her. I had this problem of being in a state of comfort that rendered me similar to a harvested cabbage. I was going nowhere being with her, and everyone else was progressing. Though this isn't necessarily true, I felt that way. Perception is the most important part of reality. I had too many troubles, and couldn't get a grip on myself.
When we finally stopped talking I tried to not think about her, but it got worse and worse. I've tried testing my willpower against all kinds of things in an effort to use my willpower not to think of her or want to be with her (because the relationship is so shot, I don't think it'll ever work again. She is so reactive to negative things, and the things I did at the end of our communique are the equivalent of capital relationship punishment (CARP or CRAP (heh)). I know I wasn't going to say what it was that I was testing my willpower against, but I had a serious change of mind after thinking about the exact sentence that said I wouldn't mention my willpower test. This is my blog and I don't hide my feelings (Even when people see them).
I had a progress test in place. I was going to stop looking at her blog. Just quit cold turkey. I was having another wicked wave of nyanko-nalgia and told myself that I was going to look at her blog one... last... time... for once and for all (ok, so maybe not for a year or two. That's usually enough time)
When I served my last request, I saw her post about how she had been thinking about me. If that isn't mockery, what is?
Scratch the de-nyanko-ization from that staging point (I'm tired and said I wouldn't be writing anymore, but... the short of it is that things like this keep happening to me. I'm fatally screwed. My friends can only whisper misinformation in my ear for so long. I've been drunk on lies. It's a terrible thing)
A monkey wrench had been thrown into my heart's mechanics. Meghanraye kept saying, "Aw, you're in love with her still, aren't you?" -sigh-
Paul kept threatening, and even once attempted to throw away the portraits the Jamie had given me. Sensei kept throwing her into the forefront during movies, which, while all of it was recycled stuff he had been saying for a long time, kept reminding me of her during what I wanted to be the prime time of distraction (for me).
In general, It's like there's this subconscious message that everyone is telling me. Even if they don't realize it.
On a side note, it's kind of weird. On Jamie's blog was a posting about her dream of me (here comes the eavesdropper again. I am not proud) she said something about "the conqueror". I had already planned on using the name, "konqueror" for a post heading for a little while. Coincidence? I have had my faith shaken before.
I have so many things to write, like what solutions i propose (I dunno. I need time to think. I don't think there's any action to take at this moment), and whether I want her to see this post (it was gonna be posted whether she saw it or not. In honesty, yeah i want her to see it but i'm also worried about that), and all kinds of other things. But i'm late for accounting class again. Bah
Perception is Reality
D.
update: I should mention that the previous was written in 30 minutes. That's not a lot of time, so i poured my heart into it, unleashing what I could given the limited time. Originally I only added a sentence and changed one word, but now... go read it again if you already have!
Something that's usually too abstract to explain occurs to me right now in a form that's not too difficult to explain (nay, you may say easy?). Something is just so... right about Jamie. Most of you may never know or understand. (Am I losing the abstract idea as I type away?). To leave her and never talk to her again... -sigh-. It's a stupid, classic idea that always strikes me. But I think i've lost too much. Some other time, then.
Will the end result of it all be like girls past, where I basically think in my head, "Ah, the ball is in her court. If she wants something started up again, she'll have to speak to me" and nothing ever happens, and that's the end of story? The last time I saw her she didn't want to see me again. Going back would be suicide or something, yes? Well then I guess I'm screwed.
Before you people go, I want you all to know that this is all stuff that has recurred in my head over and over again. Stating it at least gets it out in the open. That's all I'm doing...
I'd like to type some more, but i'm quite tired. Its been a long day, full of everything.
Oh. Jamie, if you read this, I COMPLETELY didn't mean to but I got 654 on your deviantart (even have the screenshot). There it was, staring me in the face. I'm not asking for anything though.
Maybe I'll just be her biggest secret fan
D.
A New Beginning Starts Again
Now for the bad blog (part 2 of 3).
My dad's kicking me out.
I knew he was going to do this to me, deep down. He got rid of my sister, messing his relationship up with her in the process (as well as causing sooooo much trouble for her). What can I say? My dad's a loner.
He gave me a letter this morning that he wrote, about how we fought a lot and how I spent little time cleaning up the house, and how he thought I was rebellious. He stated that he thought it was time for me to go out on my own. to be independent. I haven't responded to his letter, oral or otherwise, yet.
In truth, I am not ready for independence. It's too expensive here to pay for housing, gas, food, and school to make it on my own. I didn't think that we fought much at all, that our relationship (after all we've been through) was quite symbiotic. I am almost never home and so I don't believe that cleaning the house was very much of a responsibility of mine, though I did help out in what I believed was my fair share. I am not trying to be rebellious; I am working very hard to make him proud of me (as well as i've been working really hard since i felt the end was in sight).
If he really meant what he wrote, then (knowing him) He is merely jumping the gun, like he does sometimes, as well as cutting the hand when all that was infected was a finger, which is also common of him. Two prominent examples are how he destroyed my sister's music collection (which were CDs loaned to her from friends; consisting of such bands as system of a down and sublime) because he thought it was destroying her, how he accused Erin Wiedner of being a drug dealer (remember that one, Erin?), and how my sister was taking up prostitution to pay for her drugs (which were obtained from Erin). Note that all of the above examples were unfounded; there were NO facts and he was just jumping to conclusions. He does this (some of you may remember when i shaved my hair. That's just another big example right there), and now my friends have discredited EVERYTHING he says. I believe that when my dad thinks i'm being rebellious, he's referring to the times listed herein (and other times) when i took a defiant stand and told him he was wrong. But I never kept going, being on the attack, for I feared he would kick me out. Such is life.
But, I do not believe that he truly meant what he wrote in his letter. The way he's been trying to get rid of his kids has been on my mind quite a bit the past few months, and so i believe this is part of a hidden agenda. It's only been one month since I started purchasing car insurance, and he's trying really hard do drop Ben off of his support list. Honestly, either way, I don't know whether he meant what he wrote or not. But it does not matter.
I'm not really angry about him dropping me. Really, the times I was truly depressed these past 6 years has stemmed from his harsh attitude towards me, especially last summer. I was so poor and broke that i rationed my meals from what little money he gave me. I'd be so dizzy at times that I would've rather slept. On top of that, I felt incapable of holding deep conversations with people, reducing me to a shallow person. The only thing that does piss me off is that he is derailing my entire schedule of stuff. If I stay, I will have to quit kempo to pay bills, I will have to live cheaply, etc.
Sadly, my dad is just an unreliable person. It's not that he can't or won't make the money, it's just that he doesn't want to support me. If he doesn't support me with housing then there is nothing that he is supporting me with. That means I won't have to deal with him ever again if I don't want to. I won't be depressed again.
On a side note, I wonder if the medication he's been taking has been making him act this way. It's possible, since he has bursts of this crap.
I see this as a new beginning. What should I do? If I stay here, then I have decided upon being a japanese instructor, a very romantic and appealing idea, and should work hard towards becoming such. If I move to Utah, the only real good option is to be a radiologist tech, where I will be rich and powerful. School here is cheap (though Richard's lessons aren't as cheap as they), but living costs are astronomical. Living in Utah is cheap and easy, but education is expensive (though it's probably cheap compared to housing costs). This place is lush, green, and beautiful, though it is a boring place (you either work or you be bored/stoned). Utah is dead looking and ugly (well, some parts are ugly. But if I live in the right places (which is very possible) it can be beautiful), but it's lively and enjoyable. If I go to Utah, I have immediate family support to activities/safety. If I stay here, I could make a lot of money working for WinCo (I have 4 years till I get stock options). Humboldt has the passion, Utah has the smarts. I would prefer the passion, for money and power really don't mean anything to me. I'm me.
But I don't know. People you need to give me your input. In a way, you guys help me decide where to go.
Evan: in terms of costs, I think we're in the same boat. Feel better now?
If I live in Utah, I will live with family/live in my own house cheap (rent is dirt cheap in Utah, especially after the 2002 games). If I live here, I have to find roommates/talk to sensei about living options/see if my bro's family will let me in/live in Paul's trailer. I think it would be... interesting to live in sensei's complex, but would it work out? my bro's family has let me live at their house once before, but would they let me back in after the fight my dad had with my bro's girlfriend's dad? Paul will let me live in his trailer (which no one uses currently) for as long as I need. But Westhaven is far away. I could sleep in my car/live off the kindness of friends.
...Like PM!
But I don't want to do that.
I'm excited but bothered about it at the same time.
Whew! Now I feel better already.
My dad's kicking me out.
I knew he was going to do this to me, deep down. He got rid of my sister, messing his relationship up with her in the process (as well as causing sooooo much trouble for her). What can I say? My dad's a loner.
He gave me a letter this morning that he wrote, about how we fought a lot and how I spent little time cleaning up the house, and how he thought I was rebellious. He stated that he thought it was time for me to go out on my own. to be independent. I haven't responded to his letter, oral or otherwise, yet.
In truth, I am not ready for independence. It's too expensive here to pay for housing, gas, food, and school to make it on my own. I didn't think that we fought much at all, that our relationship (after all we've been through) was quite symbiotic. I am almost never home and so I don't believe that cleaning the house was very much of a responsibility of mine, though I did help out in what I believed was my fair share. I am not trying to be rebellious; I am working very hard to make him proud of me (as well as i've been working really hard since i felt the end was in sight).
If he really meant what he wrote, then (knowing him) He is merely jumping the gun, like he does sometimes, as well as cutting the hand when all that was infected was a finger, which is also common of him. Two prominent examples are how he destroyed my sister's music collection (which were CDs loaned to her from friends; consisting of such bands as system of a down and sublime) because he thought it was destroying her, how he accused Erin Wiedner of being a drug dealer (remember that one, Erin?), and how my sister was taking up prostitution to pay for her drugs (which were obtained from Erin). Note that all of the above examples were unfounded; there were NO facts and he was just jumping to conclusions. He does this (some of you may remember when i shaved my hair. That's just another big example right there), and now my friends have discredited EVERYTHING he says. I believe that when my dad thinks i'm being rebellious, he's referring to the times listed herein (and other times) when i took a defiant stand and told him he was wrong. But I never kept going, being on the attack, for I feared he would kick me out. Such is life.
But, I do not believe that he truly meant what he wrote in his letter. The way he's been trying to get rid of his kids has been on my mind quite a bit the past few months, and so i believe this is part of a hidden agenda. It's only been one month since I started purchasing car insurance, and he's trying really hard do drop Ben off of his support list. Honestly, either way, I don't know whether he meant what he wrote or not. But it does not matter.
I'm not really angry about him dropping me. Really, the times I was truly depressed these past 6 years has stemmed from his harsh attitude towards me, especially last summer. I was so poor and broke that i rationed my meals from what little money he gave me. I'd be so dizzy at times that I would've rather slept. On top of that, I felt incapable of holding deep conversations with people, reducing me to a shallow person. The only thing that does piss me off is that he is derailing my entire schedule of stuff. If I stay, I will have to quit kempo to pay bills, I will have to live cheaply, etc.
Sadly, my dad is just an unreliable person. It's not that he can't or won't make the money, it's just that he doesn't want to support me. If he doesn't support me with housing then there is nothing that he is supporting me with. That means I won't have to deal with him ever again if I don't want to. I won't be depressed again.
On a side note, I wonder if the medication he's been taking has been making him act this way. It's possible, since he has bursts of this crap.
I see this as a new beginning. What should I do? If I stay here, then I have decided upon being a japanese instructor, a very romantic and appealing idea, and should work hard towards becoming such. If I move to Utah, the only real good option is to be a radiologist tech, where I will be rich and powerful. School here is cheap (though Richard's lessons aren't as cheap as they), but living costs are astronomical. Living in Utah is cheap and easy, but education is expensive (though it's probably cheap compared to housing costs). This place is lush, green, and beautiful, though it is a boring place (you either work or you be bored/stoned). Utah is dead looking and ugly (well, some parts are ugly. But if I live in the right places (which is very possible) it can be beautiful), but it's lively and enjoyable. If I go to Utah, I have immediate family support to activities/safety. If I stay here, I could make a lot of money working for WinCo (I have 4 years till I get stock options). Humboldt has the passion, Utah has the smarts. I would prefer the passion, for money and power really don't mean anything to me. I'm me.
But I don't know. People you need to give me your input. In a way, you guys help me decide where to go.
Evan: in terms of costs, I think we're in the same boat. Feel better now?
If I live in Utah, I will live with family/live in my own house cheap (rent is dirt cheap in Utah, especially after the 2002 games). If I live here, I have to find roommates/talk to sensei about living options/see if my bro's family will let me in/live in Paul's trailer. I think it would be... interesting to live in sensei's complex, but would it work out? my bro's family has let me live at their house once before, but would they let me back in after the fight my dad had with my bro's girlfriend's dad? Paul will let me live in his trailer (which no one uses currently) for as long as I need. But Westhaven is far away. I could sleep in my car/live off the kindness of friends.
...Like PM!
But I don't want to do that.
I'm excited but bothered about it at the same time.
Whew! Now I feel better already.
Yuppie
Alright, I'm contemplating 3 blogs today. Here's the good news blog! The other ones will be hammered out when I feel like it's the right time to hammer them out. (I guess this post will look like the last one out of a series of 3?)
I made some major purchases yesterday. I replaced all 4 tires on my car with top of the line ones, and now the car rides like a dream! But that's not all. My backpack broke after 2 years of heavy labour, so I got a replacement. Hopefully it won't bust again, because it's made of leather! Ah, sweet sweet leather. Anyway, on top of all of this, I got my video card that I paid 320$ back, only in a different form! You see, my video card broke back in October, so I sent it to the company (CPC) that i purchased it from in an effort to get an MLA. But, during shipping, they lost the video card and so I got a refund of 320$! On top of this, my pseudo-friend Dillon (more than an acquaintance, less than a friend) works at CPC, and so he made sure that i got a kick-ass, top-of-the-line video card as replacement. I am now once again the proud owner of a top-of-the-line graphics card (which i'll never use): the MSI GeForce FX 5700. Yuppie indeed.
All that and I bought a cup for karate, though I don't know what the future of any of my activities is anymore.
Projections: glasses. Housing. Food.
I made some major purchases yesterday. I replaced all 4 tires on my car with top of the line ones, and now the car rides like a dream! But that's not all. My backpack broke after 2 years of heavy labour, so I got a replacement. Hopefully it won't bust again, because it's made of leather! Ah, sweet sweet leather. Anyway, on top of all of this, I got my video card that I paid 320$ back, only in a different form! You see, my video card broke back in October, so I sent it to the company (CPC) that i purchased it from in an effort to get an MLA. But, during shipping, they lost the video card and so I got a refund of 320$! On top of this, my pseudo-friend Dillon (more than an acquaintance, less than a friend) works at CPC, and so he made sure that i got a kick-ass, top-of-the-line video card as replacement. I am now once again the proud owner of a top-of-the-line graphics card (which i'll never use): the MSI GeForce FX 5700. Yuppie indeed.
All that and I bought a cup for karate, though I don't know what the future of any of my activities is anymore.
Projections: glasses. Housing. Food.
Monday, February 23
The Konqueror
Well, it appears a lot of accusations have been going around lately. Heh, kind of like the Red Scare, all my buddies are fearing that their colleagues are going to stop going to school. For some, this may be sort of founded, and for others, quite preposterous. I'll start with the preposterous ones. A few people have been accusing Erin that he will never get through college because he's fiscally irresponsible. While Erin does spend more than most people (to the level of yuppie), and does have high service costs (like insurance from auto wrecks) he is currently the man taking 19 units in an attempt to get a degree in directing (directing movies). Heh, he wants me to be a co-director because he loves the images & symbolism I portray to him during late nights at the Arcata Pizza and Deli. I think it's all just child's play, though I do admit that, with the types of movies Hollywood churns out these days, the stuff I portray to him with just a minute's worth of thought would be highly marketable.
Damn, I digressed again.
The next person that people worry about is me. Maybe they're on to something, though. I don't have any true major career ough I think i'm very close to making up my mind now. I plan on always continuing school, since there's always something new to learn (helps me to grow), but I think i'm going to select a major career of radiology... if japanese doesn't train me well enough by the time I need to leave this place. I know i'm gonna make it in school, one way or the other.
However, Evan is the man that everyone is unanimously worried about. You see, he just bought a car. A really nice car (a 2000 Honda Civic, to be exact) for 14,000 (down payment from his inheritance: 5000, making the car 9,000$), and is now projected to be in debt until he's 24. On top of that, he pays: utilities, food, gas, school, taxes, and so forth. Now he will have to pay premium insurance on top of the car payment until the debt is paid off. I don't know how he really plans to pull it off, but i know that I would be living in some really tough times until 24 with the wages I get! (we both have the same wage scale) Personally, I think he should've spent that $5000 fixing up/pimping his broken Honda CRX (he always talked about pimping it), since he loves CRX's and it would've been MUCH cheaper. A third option would've been to buy a cheap car. He's too young to be buying such a car/getting into such debt! We're just kids still, ya know? I feel bad for him.
So, while I do celebrate his acquisition, I will be passionate and sensitive to him when the tough times come, Which they will be. He was already really stressed out about signing his soul over on the dotted line...
In short, debt will stop you. At all costs, stay away from debt! If you get in debt, get rid of it as soon as you can (take a second job or something. Just get rid of it)
I should also say that I almost fell for the same trap. Almost bought my japanese teacher's car for 1000$. "That's cheap," you might say, but the real cost would've been in the gas. It was a beautiful car, but was also built like a tank. In the end, (after calculating it) the gasoline would've made the car own me, with the 10 miles to the gallon rating it got.
Here's to you, buddy!
Anyways, I feel it's time for news that is worth mentioning. I have now started japanese lessons with sensei at 4 on sundays, and they've been turning out really good. We spend the whole time studying, no time doing idle chit-chat, and much learning was had. I should backtrack, however. Me, Erin, and sensei now have a Friday ritual of watching old movies, followed by the "midnight at the minor" presentation. last Friday, we watched "42nd street" and "gold diggers of 1933". Both movies were made in 1933, before the Hayes laws went into effect (which censored much stuff), and I must say are MUCH more fascinating than most movies that are on the silver screen today (I'm serious. I was impressed with the technique that the dances required. And the style! both movies are worth watching). When midnight came, we watched "The Princess Bride" on the big screen. Sensei had never seen the princess bride before. He loved it!
Anyway, when we had japanese lessons, sensei told me that last Friday was the best fun he'd had in years, and couldn't stop using it as an example for japanese sentences. We didn't even drink on Friday! (I don't drink, if there's any doubts around here. I just want to point out that sensei and erin didn't drink, either). This says a lot to me, since sensei has been fighting terrible bouts of depression. He's been much more lively lately.
I made a teacher and friend happy. It was a day worth living, if only for him (no i'm not gay).
To quickly sum up, I got my income tax return back, which surprised me because it was on the same day as payday at work. I checked my account and thought my workplace had made an accounting error. "$1000?!? I know I was saving but what the...?" Sadly, the money is already marked to be spent. However, it's not on trinkets and such, but on a pair of glasses (get my nerd on), new tires (mine were cheap and crappy. The tread wore off fast), a kanji book, some more contacts (when I get my insurance, it'll chop the cost of glasses and contacts) a gi for kempo... and a cup (for those ball shots that my kempo companions shoot for). Also, I keep bumping into an old acquaintance of mine that i used to talk to during the semester I took at McKinleyville High: Graham Payne. It seems almost like i'm destined to rally up with him, since I see him at work, school, lunch... even when I'm pumping gas into my car. I need to talk to him. He's the next step. I haven't talked to him in a long time, but I know he's been taking japanese lessons and has a girlfriend from Japan.
Why does everything for me turn to Japan? Is this my destiny?
I'm helping Meghanraye get into Gonsea. Zack (Jamie's ex, whom she called "stalkerboy") is leaving for Japan via the Navy (yeah he's joining the Navy), and Meghanraye is trying with all her might to get out of WinCo. She has a shitty job, and I don't blame her. I guess this means I'll be seeing her much less (though I'll continue to meet with her grandfather at the V&N burger bar on Wednesday mornings). I'm happy for her, but hope that she gets enough hours to pay the bills.
So many things have been going good for me. If I only just try to do something, and stick with it, I succeed. I keep looking for more and more difficult challenges to undertake, though I know of one that I cannot defeat right now (I will not mention it on this site). I am training my willpower in many different situations in order to defeat that challenge.
Currently, I'm testing my willpower over something very personal. It's been difficult, but I'm turning celibate, if only temporarily. Not for any reason, really, save to test my willpower again. I know it won't last forever, but I'm going to see what it's like again to be inactive. I find that I spend a good amount of my day participating in non-celibate activities and to end this would free a tremendous amount of time. I can succeed, and I will. Just gotta resist the morning.
NEW TOPIC OUT OF NOWHERE!
All the work/learning that i've been doing has made me recognize some unforseen problems. I am too focused on the future right now. I don't feel like I'm living in the moment, and I'm always thinking about what's happening tomorrow whenever i'm participating in a planned activity. While I do get the maximum benefit that i'm looking for in the activity I would be participating in the current moment, I feel robbed (and i shouldn't). I feel like this county has 2 things. work and boredom. If you don't work, you have nothing to do (drugs? Not an option.) If you work, you don't have time to do anything. Such is life in other areas though. I particularly noticed this when I lived in Utah. But, I bet if I seeked out fun stuff in Utah, I would've found them. I've never had a job in Utah, so i've never had any disposable income to waste on those kinds of things (but I have lived in Utah, albeit poor). Same thing with Alaska.
But at this point in my life, I should sacrifice the wants of now for a better tomorrow. Thus, I do not look for the small pleasures in life, for the temptation would be an awful thing indeed (if only to my mission statement).
Current status: I feel straightened.
Age of the mamabrain. Darrel knows what this means. Everyone else will be left in the dark. BWAHAHAHA!!!!
Have you ever heard of Aristotle, Plato, Socrates? Fools! Imbeciles! Morons! When compared to me! -The Sicilian Vizzini on The Princess Bride
D.
Damn, I digressed again.
The next person that people worry about is me. Maybe they're on to something, though. I don't have any true major career ough I think i'm very close to making up my mind now. I plan on always continuing school, since there's always something new to learn (helps me to grow), but I think i'm going to select a major career of radiology... if japanese doesn't train me well enough by the time I need to leave this place. I know i'm gonna make it in school, one way or the other.
However, Evan is the man that everyone is unanimously worried about. You see, he just bought a car. A really nice car (a 2000 Honda Civic, to be exact) for 14,000 (down payment from his inheritance: 5000, making the car 9,000$), and is now projected to be in debt until he's 24. On top of that, he pays: utilities, food, gas, school, taxes, and so forth. Now he will have to pay premium insurance on top of the car payment until the debt is paid off. I don't know how he really plans to pull it off, but i know that I would be living in some really tough times until 24 with the wages I get! (we both have the same wage scale) Personally, I think he should've spent that $5000 fixing up/pimping his broken Honda CRX (he always talked about pimping it), since he loves CRX's and it would've been MUCH cheaper. A third option would've been to buy a cheap car. He's too young to be buying such a car/getting into such debt! We're just kids still, ya know? I feel bad for him.
So, while I do celebrate his acquisition, I will be passionate and sensitive to him when the tough times come, Which they will be. He was already really stressed out about signing his soul over on the dotted line...
In short, debt will stop you. At all costs, stay away from debt! If you get in debt, get rid of it as soon as you can (take a second job or something. Just get rid of it)
I should also say that I almost fell for the same trap. Almost bought my japanese teacher's car for 1000$. "That's cheap," you might say, but the real cost would've been in the gas. It was a beautiful car, but was also built like a tank. In the end, (after calculating it) the gasoline would've made the car own me, with the 10 miles to the gallon rating it got.
Here's to you, buddy!
Anyways, I feel it's time for news that is worth mentioning. I have now started japanese lessons with sensei at 4 on sundays, and they've been turning out really good. We spend the whole time studying, no time doing idle chit-chat, and much learning was had. I should backtrack, however. Me, Erin, and sensei now have a Friday ritual of watching old movies, followed by the "midnight at the minor" presentation. last Friday, we watched "42nd street" and "gold diggers of 1933". Both movies were made in 1933, before the Hayes laws went into effect (which censored much stuff), and I must say are MUCH more fascinating than most movies that are on the silver screen today (I'm serious. I was impressed with the technique that the dances required. And the style! both movies are worth watching). When midnight came, we watched "The Princess Bride" on the big screen. Sensei had never seen the princess bride before. He loved it!
Anyway, when we had japanese lessons, sensei told me that last Friday was the best fun he'd had in years, and couldn't stop using it as an example for japanese sentences. We didn't even drink on Friday! (I don't drink, if there's any doubts around here. I just want to point out that sensei and erin didn't drink, either). This says a lot to me, since sensei has been fighting terrible bouts of depression. He's been much more lively lately.
I made a teacher and friend happy. It was a day worth living, if only for him (no i'm not gay).
To quickly sum up, I got my income tax return back, which surprised me because it was on the same day as payday at work. I checked my account and thought my workplace had made an accounting error. "$1000?!? I know I was saving but what the...?" Sadly, the money is already marked to be spent. However, it's not on trinkets and such, but on a pair of glasses (get my nerd on), new tires (mine were cheap and crappy. The tread wore off fast), a kanji book, some more contacts (when I get my insurance, it'll chop the cost of glasses and contacts) a gi for kempo... and a cup (for those ball shots that my kempo companions shoot for). Also, I keep bumping into an old acquaintance of mine that i used to talk to during the semester I took at McKinleyville High: Graham Payne. It seems almost like i'm destined to rally up with him, since I see him at work, school, lunch... even when I'm pumping gas into my car. I need to talk to him. He's the next step. I haven't talked to him in a long time, but I know he's been taking japanese lessons and has a girlfriend from Japan.
Why does everything for me turn to Japan? Is this my destiny?
I'm helping Meghanraye get into Gonsea. Zack (Jamie's ex, whom she called "stalkerboy") is leaving for Japan via the Navy (yeah he's joining the Navy), and Meghanraye is trying with all her might to get out of WinCo. She has a shitty job, and I don't blame her. I guess this means I'll be seeing her much less (though I'll continue to meet with her grandfather at the V&N burger bar on Wednesday mornings). I'm happy for her, but hope that she gets enough hours to pay the bills.
So many things have been going good for me. If I only just try to do something, and stick with it, I succeed. I keep looking for more and more difficult challenges to undertake, though I know of one that I cannot defeat right now (I will not mention it on this site). I am training my willpower in many different situations in order to defeat that challenge.
Currently, I'm testing my willpower over something very personal. It's been difficult, but I'm turning celibate, if only temporarily. Not for any reason, really, save to test my willpower again. I know it won't last forever, but I'm going to see what it's like again to be inactive. I find that I spend a good amount of my day participating in non-celibate activities and to end this would free a tremendous amount of time. I can succeed, and I will. Just gotta resist the morning.
NEW TOPIC OUT OF NOWHERE!
All the work/learning that i've been doing has made me recognize some unforseen problems. I am too focused on the future right now. I don't feel like I'm living in the moment, and I'm always thinking about what's happening tomorrow whenever i'm participating in a planned activity. While I do get the maximum benefit that i'm looking for in the activity I would be participating in the current moment, I feel robbed (and i shouldn't). I feel like this county has 2 things. work and boredom. If you don't work, you have nothing to do (drugs? Not an option.) If you work, you don't have time to do anything. Such is life in other areas though. I particularly noticed this when I lived in Utah. But, I bet if I seeked out fun stuff in Utah, I would've found them. I've never had a job in Utah, so i've never had any disposable income to waste on those kinds of things (but I have lived in Utah, albeit poor). Same thing with Alaska.
But at this point in my life, I should sacrifice the wants of now for a better tomorrow. Thus, I do not look for the small pleasures in life, for the temptation would be an awful thing indeed (if only to my mission statement).
Current status: I feel straightened.
Age of the mamabrain. Darrel knows what this means. Everyone else will be left in the dark. BWAHAHAHA!!!!
Have you ever heard of Aristotle, Plato, Socrates? Fools! Imbeciles! Morons! When compared to me! -The Sicilian Vizzini on The Princess Bride
D.
Saturday, February 21
It's Like Riding A Horse
Hmm. Where's my head at? In the clouds? Oh well.
Wednesday turned out to be a superbly awesome day. I just felt... awesome.
On Wednesday, I found out, first hand, that Aaron (3rd-in-command at the store) has his sights set on me working on freight crew. However, I am not interested in working freight. It's a hard job with deep commitments i'm not willing to make. But he tries...
Heh, I feel like i'm some woman who's being courted by some guy when Aaron talks to me.
When Aaron was trying to hard sell me, he sort of offended me when he told me kempo was a waste of time. The hell it is! Ultimately, Aaron has an alterior motive (which everyone knows by now), which is called "Get to the top of the WinCo ladder." I know he's trying to use me to get himself up the ladder, and he's offering the reward of progressing up with him if I accept.
But Aaron is not the first person to try to get me to team up as a sidekick. Jeremiah worked on it, as did Lincoln. In the ultimate end, I had to reject them before someone got burned(Ah, but the time we spent together was awesome. during these two different eras of Darrel, there was a cat-and-mouse game of mindfuckery going. It was thrilling, but it was just a tell-tale sign that the friendship wasn't going to work. I can't be trying to subvert/be subverted by the people I spend tremendous amount of time with. I always broke it off before something truly bad happened, though they never really understood why. It was kind of a shroud of mystery, and personally, I think it should stay that way). Aaron is not my friend, however. He's my indirect boss. This poses problems since he's on the offensive, but we'll see.
Back to kempo offensive though! When Bo found out about what Aaron said, he got angry. Bo was taught under a sensei for 10 years, and recognizes that martial arts is not just about fighting. There's all kinds of other aspects as well (Learning, spirituality (I suppose), and friendship, Just to name a few, are presented within). Trevor (the manager of bulk foods and my comrade in kempo) and Sarah (bulk foods employee and kempo student as well) don't know what Aaron said, and hopefully they never do.
So, A rift begins. Can I resist the freight side and stick to kempo? Stay tuned!
*UPDATE* I had to go to work, but i'm back after 8 hours of good, honest labour! I will begin a new post now
You used to be my Romeo
D.
Wednesday turned out to be a superbly awesome day. I just felt... awesome.
On Wednesday, I found out, first hand, that Aaron (3rd-in-command at the store) has his sights set on me working on freight crew. However, I am not interested in working freight. It's a hard job with deep commitments i'm not willing to make. But he tries...
Heh, I feel like i'm some woman who's being courted by some guy when Aaron talks to me.
When Aaron was trying to hard sell me, he sort of offended me when he told me kempo was a waste of time. The hell it is! Ultimately, Aaron has an alterior motive (which everyone knows by now), which is called "Get to the top of the WinCo ladder." I know he's trying to use me to get himself up the ladder, and he's offering the reward of progressing up with him if I accept.
But Aaron is not the first person to try to get me to team up as a sidekick. Jeremiah worked on it, as did Lincoln. In the ultimate end, I had to reject them before someone got burned(Ah, but the time we spent together was awesome. during these two different eras of Darrel, there was a cat-and-mouse game of mindfuckery going. It was thrilling, but it was just a tell-tale sign that the friendship wasn't going to work. I can't be trying to subvert/be subverted by the people I spend tremendous amount of time with. I always broke it off before something truly bad happened, though they never really understood why. It was kind of a shroud of mystery, and personally, I think it should stay that way). Aaron is not my friend, however. He's my indirect boss. This poses problems since he's on the offensive, but we'll see.
Back to kempo offensive though! When Bo found out about what Aaron said, he got angry. Bo was taught under a sensei for 10 years, and recognizes that martial arts is not just about fighting. There's all kinds of other aspects as well (Learning, spirituality (I suppose), and friendship, Just to name a few, are presented within). Trevor (the manager of bulk foods and my comrade in kempo) and Sarah (bulk foods employee and kempo student as well) don't know what Aaron said, and hopefully they never do.
So, A rift begins. Can I resist the freight side and stick to kempo? Stay tuned!
*UPDATE* I had to go to work, but i'm back after 8 hours of good, honest labour! I will begin a new post now
You used to be my Romeo
D.
Wednesday, February 18
inspiration
Today I am listening to 1 of over 1000+ songs put onto a DVD of mine. Most of them I have never listened to. Where do people get the inspiration to write such songs? A good deal of the themes presented within the songs (using riffs) would have never crossed my mind in a million years. Where do they get it?
This is not just with music, either. Poetry and art have it going, too. Some of the themes I read/see I never would've taken a second to think about.
Take, for example, this clip from sifl & Olly:
The quicksand is deep around here
It is life.
A leather ashtray filled with the Queens cigars
It is life.
Dropping a thousand beanbags out of an airplane
It is Leif Garret...I mean life.
A snowcone's skeleton displayed in a hologram.
Life is it!...thus it is life.
A football stadium filled with pudding
As aiplanes lower the giant spoon.
...It is....
Robotic Sausages that can roll and beep.
IT IS LIFE!
LIFE!!
LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!
Now, I should point out that there are some who try to create something inspirational for the sake of saying, "Look, it's inspirational, don't you think? You like good, don't you!" There may be few pictures/musical arrangements/mediums/whatever out there that convey some sort of inspiration that are made from these people, but if they do the artist surely overlooked it (you'll have just as much luck being inspirational by creating your work with no reasoning behind it). You will have a higher chance of success if you have an idea or emotion that you want to convey.
I'm glad in some ways that others point out ideas to me that I have overlooked or would never have considered. Otherwise this world would be a duller place, and I would lack inspiration.
I'm not saying that I'm inspired right now. I'm merely pointing out what i'm thinking at the moment. When I'm inspired I know it.
On a side note, while writing this: sometimes I find language to be the incorrect way to express what I'm thinking. Right now I wish I could use pictures to explain it. Writing takes time, and before I know it, I've lost what I was thinking to the confines of my tangential mind. Maybe if i keep a notebook around when I have a good idea....
In tangent form (this paragraph is extremely inappropriately placed. Rather than fixing it you'll have to live with it), when I look at someone's music, I automatically try to apply it to myself to see how I feel. Maybe blend some of my imagination into it. Do I feel like I'm up in the clouds? Sad in a dark corner? Am I free? Oppressed? Winning? Losing? Careless? Prudent? A mix of any of these?
When I look at an art work, do I understand or even relate to what the character is relating? Do I know why? Does the character inspire courage within? Doubt? Fun? I imagine i'm in the character's position. What am I expecting? What has already happened? and so forth
And then there's operas/plays.
Just another avenue of escape from personal reality
D.
This is not just with music, either. Poetry and art have it going, too. Some of the themes I read/see I never would've taken a second to think about.
Take, for example, this clip from sifl & Olly:
The quicksand is deep around here
It is life.
A leather ashtray filled with the Queens cigars
It is life.
Dropping a thousand beanbags out of an airplane
It is Leif Garret...I mean life.
A snowcone's skeleton displayed in a hologram.
Life is it!...thus it is life.
A football stadium filled with pudding
As aiplanes lower the giant spoon.
...It is....
Robotic Sausages that can roll and beep.
IT IS LIFE!
LIFE!!
LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!
Now, I should point out that there are some who try to create something inspirational for the sake of saying, "Look, it's inspirational, don't you think? You like good, don't you!" There may be few pictures/musical arrangements/mediums/whatever out there that convey some sort of inspiration that are made from these people, but if they do the artist surely overlooked it (you'll have just as much luck being inspirational by creating your work with no reasoning behind it). You will have a higher chance of success if you have an idea or emotion that you want to convey.
I'm glad in some ways that others point out ideas to me that I have overlooked or would never have considered. Otherwise this world would be a duller place, and I would lack inspiration.
I'm not saying that I'm inspired right now. I'm merely pointing out what i'm thinking at the moment. When I'm inspired I know it.
On a side note, while writing this: sometimes I find language to be the incorrect way to express what I'm thinking. Right now I wish I could use pictures to explain it. Writing takes time, and before I know it, I've lost what I was thinking to the confines of my tangential mind. Maybe if i keep a notebook around when I have a good idea....
In tangent form (this paragraph is extremely inappropriately placed. Rather than fixing it you'll have to live with it), when I look at someone's music, I automatically try to apply it to myself to see how I feel. Maybe blend some of my imagination into it. Do I feel like I'm up in the clouds? Sad in a dark corner? Am I free? Oppressed? Winning? Losing? Careless? Prudent? A mix of any of these?
When I look at an art work, do I understand or even relate to what the character is relating? Do I know why? Does the character inspire courage within? Doubt? Fun? I imagine i'm in the character's position. What am I expecting? What has already happened? and so forth
And then there's operas/plays.
Just another avenue of escape from personal reality
D.
Tuesday, February 17
One goes Up as the Other comes Down
Well, my right wrist has been hurting so i've been backing off from physical activity. I am lean and mean, and feel satisfied with my progress... for now.
Planet Health has derailed. PM decided he didn't want to pay large rental costs, so he put all of his stuff in storage and is now living on the kindness of friends. For most people this would not be a good idea, but PM has very dedicated friends, who would help him out for however long he needed. These friends are not just friends, but also his group for Elvis Underground, his religion.
With PM gone, only one other person has the keys to the Redwood Peace and Justice Center (as far as Planet health is concerned), and that's Solomon. But Solomon just purchased a mobile home with his wife on Giuntoli and wants to settle down when it comes to his mornings: he wants to spend time with his wife.
So, with the exception of breakfast club, I do not have to get up early in the morning. Good riddance. (although getting up in the morning did display some inherent advantages)
But I haven't given up on physical progression. I have replaced planet health with kempo, and that is going good. However, Kempo is only 2 days a week! That, combined with no extreme workout at work anymore, definitely proves that i'm cutting back.
I have been drawn into forging again. This time, I was cornered into a time with Kevin Knife (yeah that's his last name, not changed) at work, and we went about forging. I must say it was awesome! Sparks flew everywhere, creating such imaginings as "A witches broom" and such. The smell of the iron, the feeling of forces reacting with the medium, and all the sights to see made it a very worthwhile experience. Now I have to start sharpening the blade, and I will be a proud owner of a (handle-less) blade!
Kevin makes knives when he's not working at WinCo. He has a ton of knives, a wicked axe, and all kinds of tools! I'm really getting into this.
Accounting is boring, as is macroecon. Life goes on with these classes. Japanese should spice up my memorizing meal, since it's starting up every Sunday at 2.
To note, all of these classes are at bad times, and it's pissing my boss off. I'm working on settling it all with her so that she's a happy boss again (she's such a sweetie pie, i have to say).
Lately i've been acquiring a large volume of friends, some of whom came up to me to talk. Most of them are going into the science profession, and so now I've been getting into academia more (just like I wanted).
The link to the website linked to the title above has probably the coolest looking guy in my opinion. For some reason, when i'm randomly clicking links (without looking at what the site name is... usually) I keep coming back to this site. I click on it on google searches, sites i know, etc., and on different days. Weird.
In recap, physical progression going down, mental progression up.
Projection: I'm rebounding on the upswing again. All is good.
The Diamond Age Is Coming!
D.
Planet Health has derailed. PM decided he didn't want to pay large rental costs, so he put all of his stuff in storage and is now living on the kindness of friends. For most people this would not be a good idea, but PM has very dedicated friends, who would help him out for however long he needed. These friends are not just friends, but also his group for Elvis Underground, his religion.
With PM gone, only one other person has the keys to the Redwood Peace and Justice Center (as far as Planet health is concerned), and that's Solomon. But Solomon just purchased a mobile home with his wife on Giuntoli and wants to settle down when it comes to his mornings: he wants to spend time with his wife.
So, with the exception of breakfast club, I do not have to get up early in the morning. Good riddance. (although getting up in the morning did display some inherent advantages)
But I haven't given up on physical progression. I have replaced planet health with kempo, and that is going good. However, Kempo is only 2 days a week! That, combined with no extreme workout at work anymore, definitely proves that i'm cutting back.
I have been drawn into forging again. This time, I was cornered into a time with Kevin Knife (yeah that's his last name, not changed) at work, and we went about forging. I must say it was awesome! Sparks flew everywhere, creating such imaginings as "A witches broom" and such. The smell of the iron, the feeling of forces reacting with the medium, and all the sights to see made it a very worthwhile experience. Now I have to start sharpening the blade, and I will be a proud owner of a (handle-less) blade!
Kevin makes knives when he's not working at WinCo. He has a ton of knives, a wicked axe, and all kinds of tools! I'm really getting into this.
Accounting is boring, as is macroecon. Life goes on with these classes. Japanese should spice up my memorizing meal, since it's starting up every Sunday at 2.
To note, all of these classes are at bad times, and it's pissing my boss off. I'm working on settling it all with her so that she's a happy boss again (she's such a sweetie pie, i have to say).
Lately i've been acquiring a large volume of friends, some of whom came up to me to talk. Most of them are going into the science profession, and so now I've been getting into academia more (just like I wanted).
The link to the website linked to the title above has probably the coolest looking guy in my opinion. For some reason, when i'm randomly clicking links (without looking at what the site name is... usually) I keep coming back to this site. I click on it on google searches, sites i know, etc., and on different days. Weird.
In recap, physical progression going down, mental progression up.
Projection: I'm rebounding on the upswing again. All is good.
The Diamond Age Is Coming!
D.
Wednesday, February 11
SHIny DISco BAlls (SHIDISBAL)
Well, I have 15 minutes to get to my accounting class, but i thought that spending a little bit of time writing before 3 hours of fun may be fulfilling.
Today, for lunch, I brought all the materials required for a balanced breakfast. From the cereal box on down, all things good were before my table. CR charges way too much for food, and I won't pay! Hopefully I can round up some other people to pitch in money and eat. That way, I can eat more perishable items like milk or something without fearing it going to waste, I can socialize a little bit during the noon hours, and I won't have to invest too much money!
Speaking of being ripped off, I wish I had a PS2. While I can honestly say the X-Box is superior, it sure does cost more. I have to pay 5$ just to get a pack of songs off the internet for DDR, as well as pay for X-Box live! on a monthly basis (what a lame name X-box live! is). I've also had to pay for DVD movie support, and karaoke. Kind of feel ripped off. At least I can pay the small change, and who else is going to pay for the maintenance of X-Box live! ? Certainly not microsoft, what with their loss of 100$ for every X-box they sell, as well as their extremely large cash reserves.
A lot has been going on for me lately, though I believe i lack the time to explain them at the moment. School calls!
Today, for lunch, I brought all the materials required for a balanced breakfast. From the cereal box on down, all things good were before my table. CR charges way too much for food, and I won't pay! Hopefully I can round up some other people to pitch in money and eat. That way, I can eat more perishable items like milk or something without fearing it going to waste, I can socialize a little bit during the noon hours, and I won't have to invest too much money!
Speaking of being ripped off, I wish I had a PS2. While I can honestly say the X-Box is superior, it sure does cost more. I have to pay 5$ just to get a pack of songs off the internet for DDR, as well as pay for X-Box live! on a monthly basis (what a lame name X-box live! is). I've also had to pay for DVD movie support, and karaoke. Kind of feel ripped off. At least I can pay the small change, and who else is going to pay for the maintenance of X-Box live! ? Certainly not microsoft, what with their loss of 100$ for every X-box they sell, as well as their extremely large cash reserves.
A lot has been going on for me lately, though I believe i lack the time to explain them at the moment. School calls!
Monday, February 9
Hanging Paintings on Burning Walls
I'm so bored today. Mainly I've been sitting in the LRC, spending my time leisurely, doing whatever I want. I do not have any homework (I have tests on Wednesday) and I did not slate any particular event to fill my time up. While doing whatever I want is kind of relaxing, I would like to spend this spare time doing something productive. It just feels... so wasteful. Oh well. I need some time to sit back and reflect, i suppose. Maybe I should go meditate, or plan my near future for a little bit.
I'm so derailed physically. I haven't been exercising very much anymore, partially because Planet health is dissolving and partially because the tendon in my right hand is strained. I must've overdone it, pulling carts at work, because boy-does-it-hurt. I place of exercise, i've instituted a very poor diet (though delicious). I have been eating a lot of sour cream (whole fat -- when i was exercising i needed the nutrients), have been known to eat an entire bar of cream cheese in one sitting, and have been munching on cookies. What a diet. At least my body frame isn't showing anything.
So maybe this is the end, and i'm on to a transitioning phase? Ever since school started, one project after another has been sidelined, and now there aren't really any extracurricular projects at all, save for Friday midnight matinee night, and the weekly-scheduled sensei movie marathon...
Maybe it's time to start over, get a fresh new look on activities I would like to keep doing while finding new activities to replace the activities I don't really care about anymore.
I feel like I'm coasting in life right now, just like in November. I don't really remember what happened in November (or October for that matter). Where is my time going? I've noticed that the past year has flown by much faster than all of my other years. Everything seems so fuzzy and distorted. $h17, thinking about it, 10 years ago seems like yesterday. I try each and every day to learn something new, become a little bit better, but it feels like i've been so focused on that that time has been slipping me. But, at the same time it has not been slipping me. I know lots of details of the past 10 years for me, moreso than most people I know.
What are my alternatives, anyhow? I could always go sit in a chair and do nothing. I guess it's time for me to go lay out a new plan to follow until school gets out
Look you have no arms left!
Yes I have!
Look!
It's just a flesh wound.
D.
I'm so derailed physically. I haven't been exercising very much anymore, partially because Planet health is dissolving and partially because the tendon in my right hand is strained. I must've overdone it, pulling carts at work, because boy-does-it-hurt. I place of exercise, i've instituted a very poor diet (though delicious). I have been eating a lot of sour cream (whole fat -- when i was exercising i needed the nutrients), have been known to eat an entire bar of cream cheese in one sitting, and have been munching on cookies. What a diet. At least my body frame isn't showing anything.
So maybe this is the end, and i'm on to a transitioning phase? Ever since school started, one project after another has been sidelined, and now there aren't really any extracurricular projects at all, save for Friday midnight matinee night, and the weekly-scheduled sensei movie marathon...
Maybe it's time to start over, get a fresh new look on activities I would like to keep doing while finding new activities to replace the activities I don't really care about anymore.
I feel like I'm coasting in life right now, just like in November. I don't really remember what happened in November (or October for that matter). Where is my time going? I've noticed that the past year has flown by much faster than all of my other years. Everything seems so fuzzy and distorted. $h17, thinking about it, 10 years ago seems like yesterday. I try each and every day to learn something new, become a little bit better, but it feels like i've been so focused on that that time has been slipping me. But, at the same time it has not been slipping me. I know lots of details of the past 10 years for me, moreso than most people I know.
What are my alternatives, anyhow? I could always go sit in a chair and do nothing. I guess it's time for me to go lay out a new plan to follow until school gets out
Look you have no arms left!
Yes I have!
Look!
It's just a flesh wound.
D.
Friday, February 6
THE PEOPLE vs. Darrel Brower
Well, my time is constricted again. So I'll have to keep this short. On top of that, I have to note that my writing today sucks. Please bear with my badly phrased, garbled chunks of information. As if you had a choice!
Today is payday! Now I can go to the bank to play Ca$h Ca$h Revolution! Though, I know that the money will probably just roll out again. I have to buy a rather large kanji dictionary, infinite pairs of pants (Infinite Pants Project), 4 dance pads (I don't want crap quality pads, so this is going to be a rather slow venture. On a side note, I noticed that the cheapo xbox pads are made of foam), karate...
Speaking of karate, I discovered that the bulk foods people at WinCo are heavily into karate! They do it at the teen center at 6:30 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It's 40$ a month for the class but, hey, if anyone's up for it, come join me in the training! This class also takes on other dojos in Eureka, so don't think this is one of those "learn-moves-that-have-no-practicality" type classes.
On a side note, I should say that karate is going to be replacing planet health. I have been struggling to just get to PH on the four days that are offered, averaging just 1 or 2 successful visits a week (I'm a night owl), so I think that a new solution must be found. I also favor exercise that's practical (although I'll take what I can get) and I want to not look tired to people (getting up early in the morning has this effect on my eyes where they look a tad bit redder than usual. I get to bed on time, but my eyes just don't seem to like the morning and they let me know (indirectly) throughout the day, especially when i correspond with people). The downside of karate is that it's set up at a prime time spot in my day, but I can learn to live with that.
On a side note, Planet health is good for your abs and legs, but little else. PM wants to reform it and have 4 sets of 50 pushups (and 4 sets of 50 crunches), which i think is a good idea, but ultimately I want something different.
In other news, I think i've topped out with the rope pulling at WinCo. I can now pull in 17 carts with just my biceps throughout the day and not feel the burn the next day. What a drag. I guess i'll have to buy more rope so I can up the cart amount...
I'm also going to back off on the construction of the cleaver. I have aggravated my boss enough with Japanese lessons on Sundays (scheduled at a really bad time!), school on Mondays and Wednesdays, and karate in the evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays (so I can only open on Tues, thurs), and so i'm going to have to back off on forging until the summer. Speaking of pissing people off...
Meghanraye's seriously pissing me off. She flakes out on me too much whenever i set plans up with her, and tells me that she just "didn't want to do anything at that time". Argh. Subsequently, Rocky Horror & me has been CANCELLED. A whole bunch of other things that i had planned to do with her have been cancelled as well. Rocky Horror does take place on her birthday, so it's understandable that maybe she'd rather do something else on that day, but when she tells me she will go to court with me, talk to Zack at Gonsea with me so i can help her get a different job, and go for a long drive (a drive that's so long that I have to get the day off) and then tells me, Just a little bit before the moment when we're going to leave to do one of these tasks, that she doesn't want to do it... ARGH! I guess that's a pet peeve of mine. She derails my scheduling. I guess I'll respond by not inviting her to things that I think she'll flake out on. Oh well... life goes on.
Speaking of court, I defeated the judge again! I watched a guy who was so old, you KNEW he didn't speed, lose to judge Morrison on charges that he was doing 64 mph on the corridor (which has double fines and is set at 50 mph). Mainly, i won because my officer was relocated to fairfield, but because the judge is so prosecutive (he tries to find ways to find people guilty, i've noticed), I probably should've lost (I know that I didn't do anything wrong). When it was my turn for taking the stand, and the judge found out about my officer, the judge got so angry that he gave a big verbal chewing about the funding of civil stuff and then told me to get out of his court room.
Thus, Darrel Brower defeated THE PEOPLE. (next time, I'll read the book "Fight your ticket... and win!")
Oh, if you ever take on judge morrison, be prepared to lose. When you lose, and you have to go pay your fine, ask the ladies to give you an appeals form, and appeal the ticket! That's how Erin Wiedner beats his tickets (because the appeals judge is impartial)
Speaking of Erin, he met sensei yesterday. My god, those two mesh perfectly! We watched movies last night but those two spent so much time talking... it was interesting. We'll see what happens in the future.
Different different aspects of my life are merging together once again. Guess it's time to find some new aspects to fill up the free space.
I should leave for work, so i have time to do my taxes in the break room. I'm finding my accounting class is very useful for doing taxes, as well as keeping track of personal expenses and financial planning for the future. I didn't think i'd be one of those people that keeps track of this stuff, but it's so useful! (I can project when I'm going to buy what, how long it'll take, etc.)
Now listen you! -from the movie Laura
D.
Today is payday! Now I can go to the bank to play Ca$h Ca$h Revolution! Though, I know that the money will probably just roll out again. I have to buy a rather large kanji dictionary, infinite pairs of pants (Infinite Pants Project), 4 dance pads (I don't want crap quality pads, so this is going to be a rather slow venture. On a side note, I noticed that the cheapo xbox pads are made of foam), karate...
Speaking of karate, I discovered that the bulk foods people at WinCo are heavily into karate! They do it at the teen center at 6:30 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It's 40$ a month for the class but, hey, if anyone's up for it, come join me in the training! This class also takes on other dojos in Eureka, so don't think this is one of those "learn-moves-that-have-no-practicality" type classes.
On a side note, I should say that karate is going to be replacing planet health. I have been struggling to just get to PH on the four days that are offered, averaging just 1 or 2 successful visits a week (I'm a night owl), so I think that a new solution must be found. I also favor exercise that's practical (although I'll take what I can get) and I want to not look tired to people (getting up early in the morning has this effect on my eyes where they look a tad bit redder than usual. I get to bed on time, but my eyes just don't seem to like the morning and they let me know (indirectly) throughout the day, especially when i correspond with people). The downside of karate is that it's set up at a prime time spot in my day, but I can learn to live with that.
On a side note, Planet health is good for your abs and legs, but little else. PM wants to reform it and have 4 sets of 50 pushups (and 4 sets of 50 crunches), which i think is a good idea, but ultimately I want something different.
In other news, I think i've topped out with the rope pulling at WinCo. I can now pull in 17 carts with just my biceps throughout the day and not feel the burn the next day. What a drag. I guess i'll have to buy more rope so I can up the cart amount...
I'm also going to back off on the construction of the cleaver. I have aggravated my boss enough with Japanese lessons on Sundays (scheduled at a really bad time!), school on Mondays and Wednesdays, and karate in the evening on Tuesdays and Thursdays (so I can only open on Tues, thurs), and so i'm going to have to back off on forging until the summer. Speaking of pissing people off...
Meghanraye's seriously pissing me off. She flakes out on me too much whenever i set plans up with her, and tells me that she just "didn't want to do anything at that time". Argh. Subsequently, Rocky Horror & me has been CANCELLED. A whole bunch of other things that i had planned to do with her have been cancelled as well. Rocky Horror does take place on her birthday, so it's understandable that maybe she'd rather do something else on that day, but when she tells me she will go to court with me, talk to Zack at Gonsea with me so i can help her get a different job, and go for a long drive (a drive that's so long that I have to get the day off) and then tells me, Just a little bit before the moment when we're going to leave to do one of these tasks, that she doesn't want to do it... ARGH! I guess that's a pet peeve of mine. She derails my scheduling. I guess I'll respond by not inviting her to things that I think she'll flake out on. Oh well... life goes on.
Speaking of court, I defeated the judge again! I watched a guy who was so old, you KNEW he didn't speed, lose to judge Morrison on charges that he was doing 64 mph on the corridor (which has double fines and is set at 50 mph). Mainly, i won because my officer was relocated to fairfield, but because the judge is so prosecutive (he tries to find ways to find people guilty, i've noticed), I probably should've lost (I know that I didn't do anything wrong). When it was my turn for taking the stand, and the judge found out about my officer, the judge got so angry that he gave a big verbal chewing about the funding of civil stuff and then told me to get out of his court room.
Thus, Darrel Brower defeated THE PEOPLE. (next time, I'll read the book "Fight your ticket... and win!")
Oh, if you ever take on judge morrison, be prepared to lose. When you lose, and you have to go pay your fine, ask the ladies to give you an appeals form, and appeal the ticket! That's how Erin Wiedner beats his tickets (because the appeals judge is impartial)
Speaking of Erin, he met sensei yesterday. My god, those two mesh perfectly! We watched movies last night but those two spent so much time talking... it was interesting. We'll see what happens in the future.
Different different aspects of my life are merging together once again. Guess it's time to find some new aspects to fill up the free space.
I should leave for work, so i have time to do my taxes in the break room. I'm finding my accounting class is very useful for doing taxes, as well as keeping track of personal expenses and financial planning for the future. I didn't think i'd be one of those people that keeps track of this stuff, but it's so useful! (I can project when I'm going to buy what, how long it'll take, etc.)
Now listen you! -from the movie Laura
D.
Sunday, February 1
chill, mah baybehs! (quote by Paul)
well... the classic situation has been encountered again. Here I am blogging when I should be going to sleep! All of this, I do for YOU! Yes, YOU! Who are you? (Nice to meet you. I'm Darrel).
After derailing my life the past 2 weeks, I am struggling to get everything back together. My mind is still reeling, and I'm not sure how I feel. That's ok. I just fell for a girl and then caught myself before anything serious happened. Yeah, the person was Meghanraye. I really don't feel interested in girls, even Meghanraye, but that all changes when i talk to her. I swear it must be a sort of trance that grips me, for i start to just want to stay with her when i'm with her. When i leave her presence, I don't feel so good for a while, but that feeling goes away quick. Then I am ambivalent until I see her again. What i'm noticing is that this happened to me with Jamie, though the feelings were magnified a bajillion billion-fold, and I didn't not care about her after i stopped seeing her for a while, unlike now. However, back then I was a hopeless romantic dork *-sigh-*. Anyway, I am also noticing that I'm really dedicating time to Meghanraye, and I shouldn't. We're just friends, and if I hook up with her I will undergo the 3 MONTH RELATIONSHIP OF DEATH/DESTRUCTION that is her trademark (she doesn't really care for relationships. Just people to *ahem* "hang out" with). I find that I have a problem of dedicating my life to someone else, when i should be dedicating my life to myself. It's definitely not healthy.
Speaking of having a relationship with Meghanraye, although i'm receding my feelings for her, she's intensifying hers. She is now going to have me "hold her hand" or do whatever she needs me to do when she gets her nipples pierced (yeah, you heard me),and wants to go to Rocky Horror on her birthday, (did I mention that she is demanding I join her?). On top of that, she's trying to get me to join her in a venture to get Paul Chamberlain to go to tip top club on his 18th birthday (I don't think i'm game for that. I don't care for tip top club at all (interesting fact: did you know that most all the females there have kids?))
Oh, for Rocky Horror, i shot myself in the foot. I thought it would be enough for me to just go to Rocky Horror, but she wants to dress up! So, when I was talking to Evan about dress options, I stupidly shouted out "Michael Jackson!" as a dress topic, and he was sold. He got the idea that I would be Michael Jackson and Meghanraye would be a schoolgirl. (I should backtrack. Read next paragraph for the Real Michael Jackson saga)
Originally I was called Michael Bolton by Meghanraye because of my hair doing crazy funky stuff. However, every time Meghanraye would punch me I would exclaim "Ow!" in a most perfect Michael Jackson tone. This led to me becoming Michael Jackson (no, I don't molest children, though I do love to tuck them in at night. It's sweet to see them all tucked in like that). It caught on at work like wildfire. Now, Meghanraye always comes back to tease me about being Michael Jackson, going so far as to be my spokesperson! with the crowning moment, Rocky Horror, on the horizon, I'll never live this one down (though I do move and start all over frequently (not lately though). So technically I can live it down)
I should mention that right now I'm just typing whatever comes to mind in no particular order, since I'm really tired and not quite here at the moment. The cart hawk broke today(the day before the superbowl--busy) and I was forced to pull carts in by hand (we had true cart wars today. There were 3 of us out there putting carts in). I should mention that my attitude has changed dramatically towards working harder. In the olden times (READ: the first time I worked at WinCo) I would have said that today was a terrible, horrible day. Boo hoo. However, whenever the hawk breaks down, and i have to bust butt, I feel great. Granted, it tires me out badly, but I feel like I improve myself when adversity strikes.
Which brings me back to the derailing. Lately, i've been consolidating my gains of physical strength, but only because work forces me to pull carts by hand. I haven't been going to planet health like i should, and i'm still trying to get myself to spend time studying (I stopped ever since I started hanging out with Meghanraye). Fortunately, I haven't missed out on anything yet, though if i don't shape up... I'll have to ship out.
I should mention right now that it's been two hours since i typed that last sentence, and now I'm SUPER TIRED. As follows is the short of things.
I'm still working on getting the money together to forge that cleaver. Taxes on my car, needs for new clothes, school tuition, and car insurance premiums have all taken their toll on my paycheck. SOON!
DSL will soon be mine. When the modem arrives in the mail. Booyaah.
I should also mention that i'm moving to McKinleyville. There's a 5 bedroom house that's being offered up at a steal of 1000$ a month, but only because my dad saved the owner's life. I'll be happy to get out of this crappy 2 bedroom shit hole and into a real house, though i got to generate the discipline to work out on my own, since planet health will be too far away for me to get to very often.
Me and sensei have been watching movies together. Old movies. Sometimes I want to write scripts because of these old movies. Me and Erin Wiedner are going to watch some more on Thursday at sensei's. I bring Erin along so that I avoid any "scenes" with my japanese teacher, who i must mention likes me very much. I've been pushing sensei -- hard -- to start up the private japanese lessons, and hopefully we get it all in full swing by the 3rd sunday of February.
I should also mention that i have two new routines that i follow: jazz at muddy waters on Thursdays and Midnight matinees on Fridays. The time strain continues....
Did I also mention that I'm getting DDR Ultramix next paycheck with heavy duty pads? The DSL will allow me to play other players online as well as download music/rip songs to my hard drive. Karaoke and DDR will never be the same at my house! The middle of the street!
I know I should talk about my birthday and school and such, but i'm tired. I have written enough as it is. You will survive. Be strong.
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
D.
After derailing my life the past 2 weeks, I am struggling to get everything back together. My mind is still reeling, and I'm not sure how I feel. That's ok. I just fell for a girl and then caught myself before anything serious happened. Yeah, the person was Meghanraye. I really don't feel interested in girls, even Meghanraye, but that all changes when i talk to her. I swear it must be a sort of trance that grips me, for i start to just want to stay with her when i'm with her. When i leave her presence, I don't feel so good for a while, but that feeling goes away quick. Then I am ambivalent until I see her again. What i'm noticing is that this happened to me with Jamie, though the feelings were magnified a bajillion billion-fold, and I didn't not care about her after i stopped seeing her for a while, unlike now. However, back then I was a hopeless romantic dork *-sigh-*. Anyway, I am also noticing that I'm really dedicating time to Meghanraye, and I shouldn't. We're just friends, and if I hook up with her I will undergo the 3 MONTH RELATIONSHIP OF DEATH/DESTRUCTION that is her trademark (she doesn't really care for relationships. Just people to *ahem* "hang out" with). I find that I have a problem of dedicating my life to someone else, when i should be dedicating my life to myself. It's definitely not healthy.
Speaking of having a relationship with Meghanraye, although i'm receding my feelings for her, she's intensifying hers. She is now going to have me "hold her hand" or do whatever she needs me to do when she gets her nipples pierced (yeah, you heard me),and wants to go to Rocky Horror on her birthday, (did I mention that she is demanding I join her?). On top of that, she's trying to get me to join her in a venture to get Paul Chamberlain to go to tip top club on his 18th birthday (I don't think i'm game for that. I don't care for tip top club at all (interesting fact: did you know that most all the females there have kids?))
Oh, for Rocky Horror, i shot myself in the foot. I thought it would be enough for me to just go to Rocky Horror, but she wants to dress up! So, when I was talking to Evan about dress options, I stupidly shouted out "Michael Jackson!" as a dress topic, and he was sold. He got the idea that I would be Michael Jackson and Meghanraye would be a schoolgirl. (I should backtrack. Read next paragraph for the Real Michael Jackson saga)
Originally I was called Michael Bolton by Meghanraye because of my hair doing crazy funky stuff. However, every time Meghanraye would punch me I would exclaim "Ow!" in a most perfect Michael Jackson tone. This led to me becoming Michael Jackson (no, I don't molest children, though I do love to tuck them in at night. It's sweet to see them all tucked in like that). It caught on at work like wildfire. Now, Meghanraye always comes back to tease me about being Michael Jackson, going so far as to be my spokesperson! with the crowning moment, Rocky Horror, on the horizon, I'll never live this one down (though I do move and start all over frequently (not lately though). So technically I can live it down)
I should mention that right now I'm just typing whatever comes to mind in no particular order, since I'm really tired and not quite here at the moment. The cart hawk broke today(the day before the superbowl--busy) and I was forced to pull carts in by hand (we had true cart wars today. There were 3 of us out there putting carts in). I should mention that my attitude has changed dramatically towards working harder. In the olden times (READ: the first time I worked at WinCo) I would have said that today was a terrible, horrible day. Boo hoo. However, whenever the hawk breaks down, and i have to bust butt, I feel great. Granted, it tires me out badly, but I feel like I improve myself when adversity strikes.
Which brings me back to the derailing. Lately, i've been consolidating my gains of physical strength, but only because work forces me to pull carts by hand. I haven't been going to planet health like i should, and i'm still trying to get myself to spend time studying (I stopped ever since I started hanging out with Meghanraye). Fortunately, I haven't missed out on anything yet, though if i don't shape up... I'll have to ship out.
I should mention right now that it's been two hours since i typed that last sentence, and now I'm SUPER TIRED. As follows is the short of things.
I'm still working on getting the money together to forge that cleaver. Taxes on my car, needs for new clothes, school tuition, and car insurance premiums have all taken their toll on my paycheck. SOON!
DSL will soon be mine. When the modem arrives in the mail. Booyaah.
I should also mention that i'm moving to McKinleyville. There's a 5 bedroom house that's being offered up at a steal of 1000$ a month, but only because my dad saved the owner's life. I'll be happy to get out of this crappy 2 bedroom shit hole and into a real house, though i got to generate the discipline to work out on my own, since planet health will be too far away for me to get to very often.
Me and sensei have been watching movies together. Old movies. Sometimes I want to write scripts because of these old movies. Me and Erin Wiedner are going to watch some more on Thursday at sensei's. I bring Erin along so that I avoid any "scenes" with my japanese teacher, who i must mention likes me very much. I've been pushing sensei -- hard -- to start up the private japanese lessons, and hopefully we get it all in full swing by the 3rd sunday of February.
I should also mention that i have two new routines that i follow: jazz at muddy waters on Thursdays and Midnight matinees on Fridays. The time strain continues....
Did I also mention that I'm getting DDR Ultramix next paycheck with heavy duty pads? The DSL will allow me to play other players online as well as download music/rip songs to my hard drive. Karaoke and DDR will never be the same at my house! The middle of the street!
I know I should talk about my birthday and school and such, but i'm tired. I have written enough as it is. You will survive. Be strong.
We just joined the civil hair patrol!
D.
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