A New Beginning Starts Again

Now for the bad blog (part 2 of 3).

My dad's kicking me out.

I knew he was going to do this to me, deep down. He got rid of my sister, messing his relationship up with her in the process (as well as causing sooooo much trouble for her). What can I say? My dad's a loner.
He gave me a letter this morning that he wrote, about how we fought a lot and how I spent little time cleaning up the house, and how he thought I was rebellious. He stated that he thought it was time for me to go out on my own. to be independent. I haven't responded to his letter, oral or otherwise, yet.
In truth, I am not ready for independence. It's too expensive here to pay for housing, gas, food, and school to make it on my own. I didn't think that we fought much at all, that our relationship (after all we've been through) was quite symbiotic. I am almost never home and so I don't believe that cleaning the house was very much of a responsibility of mine, though I did help out in what I believed was my fair share. I am not trying to be rebellious; I am working very hard to make him proud of me (as well as i've been working really hard since i felt the end was in sight).
If he really meant what he wrote, then (knowing him) He is merely jumping the gun, like he does sometimes, as well as cutting the hand when all that was infected was a finger, which is also common of him. Two prominent examples are how he destroyed my sister's music collection (which were CDs loaned to her from friends; consisting of such bands as system of a down and sublime) because he thought it was destroying her, how he accused Erin Wiedner of being a drug dealer (remember that one, Erin?), and how my sister was taking up prostitution to pay for her drugs (which were obtained from Erin). Note that all of the above examples were unfounded; there were NO facts and he was just jumping to conclusions. He does this (some of you may remember when i shaved my hair. That's just another big example right there), and now my friends have discredited EVERYTHING he says. I believe that when my dad thinks i'm being rebellious, he's referring to the times listed herein (and other times) when i took a defiant stand and told him he was wrong. But I never kept going, being on the attack, for I feared he would kick me out. Such is life.
But, I do not believe that he truly meant what he wrote in his letter. The way he's been trying to get rid of his kids has been on my mind quite a bit the past few months, and so i believe this is part of a hidden agenda. It's only been one month since I started purchasing car insurance, and he's trying really hard do drop Ben off of his support list. Honestly, either way, I don't know whether he meant what he wrote or not. But it does not matter.
I'm not really angry about him dropping me. Really, the times I was truly depressed these past 6 years has stemmed from his harsh attitude towards me, especially last summer. I was so poor and broke that i rationed my meals from what little money he gave me. I'd be so dizzy at times that I would've rather slept. On top of that, I felt incapable of holding deep conversations with people, reducing me to a shallow person. The only thing that does piss me off is that he is derailing my entire schedule of stuff. If I stay, I will have to quit kempo to pay bills, I will have to live cheaply, etc.
Sadly, my dad is just an unreliable person. It's not that he can't or won't make the money, it's just that he doesn't want to support me. If he doesn't support me with housing then there is nothing that he is supporting me with. That means I won't have to deal with him ever again if I don't want to. I won't be depressed again.
On a side note, I wonder if the medication he's been taking has been making him act this way. It's possible, since he has bursts of this crap.

I see this as a new beginning. What should I do? If I stay here, then I have decided upon being a japanese instructor, a very romantic and appealing idea, and should work hard towards becoming such. If I move to Utah, the only real good option is to be a radiologist tech, where I will be rich and powerful. School here is cheap (though Richard's lessons aren't as cheap as they), but living costs are astronomical. Living in Utah is cheap and easy, but education is expensive (though it's probably cheap compared to housing costs). This place is lush, green, and beautiful, though it is a boring place (you either work or you be bored/stoned). Utah is dead looking and ugly (well, some parts are ugly. But if I live in the right places (which is very possible) it can be beautiful), but it's lively and enjoyable. If I go to Utah, I have immediate family support to activities/safety. If I stay here, I could make a lot of money working for WinCo (I have 4 years till I get stock options). Humboldt has the passion, Utah has the smarts. I would prefer the passion, for money and power really don't mean anything to me. I'm me.

But I don't know. People you need to give me your input. In a way, you guys help me decide where to go.

Evan: in terms of costs, I think we're in the same boat. Feel better now?

If I live in Utah, I will live with family/live in my own house cheap (rent is dirt cheap in Utah, especially after the 2002 games). If I live here, I have to find roommates/talk to sensei about living options/see if my bro's family will let me in/live in Paul's trailer. I think it would be... interesting to live in sensei's complex, but would it work out? my bro's family has let me live at their house once before, but would they let me back in after the fight my dad had with my bro's girlfriend's dad? Paul will let me live in his trailer (which no one uses currently) for as long as I need. But Westhaven is far away. I could sleep in my car/live off the kindness of friends.
...Like PM!
But I don't want to do that.

I'm excited but bothered about it at the same time.

Whew! Now I feel better already.