I'm not dead!!!!

I don't seem to have the time to blog that I had before.

Mainly, this is because i'm not around computers.

A lot has happened to me. I got a cellphone (that's truly mine this time), a Buick, a girl, and a new job.

I am falling though. I know I shouldn't be taking this job (which i've been promoted in). It's wrong.

I cannot elaborate on it right now. I debated even getting on my blog at this moment. I have to struggle to keep my head above water.

I'll hopefully post more in the near future.

Singing the Corporate Rhyme

Woo hoo! I just got the job at JitB (jitterbeans? No. Ja(erk) in-the-box). Now I'll be working with my Aunt, once removed (I believe that's what she is) which is cool because I'll finally get to meet and understand the family down here.

Furthermore, I'll be getting a $15/hr wage.

On top of it, It's a troubleshooting job for the JitB training devices. It's temp work, but "the lady" expressed intent for me to go up the tree, and told me she would open up a permanent IT position as soon as she could... (she volunteered that information. She did done hire me on the spot)

So I guess I'm corporate now. How do I feel?

From this, I know that I will have to buy a car now. I am arranging to purchase my grand aunt's Oldsmobile (made in '94, but driven by a grandma (aka, barely taken out of the the garage))!

I surely won't be picking up chicks in it.

Furthermore, I must get a cellphone. I have no telephone now, and it is somewhat embarrassing to dodge such an issue with an employer.

On top of this, I have to study for finals, which brings me to my next topic...

I'm dropping out of UCSD.

There's so many things wrong with this University for me that I do not want to go on. To put it short, this place is financially, chronically, mentally, socially, and spiritually (no soul) degrading. I am going to write the dean, Chancellor, and everyone in between about the problems I had, because I know that problems do not get fixed generally unless feedback is given. It never ceases to surprise me how powerful feedback is.

So, all in all, I'm feeling good about everything. I'm dropping out of school to go work for a major fast-food chain. My girlfriend is moving down here today. School's almost out. The holidays are in. The beach sure sounds nice right now.

Later Days,

Miracle Gangsta

Finals Frenzy

Yes, I used the thesaurus for the frenzy word in this title. No, you reader(s)(?) didn't suspect it.

Sometimes words escape my mind.

AHEM!

*gets up on the soapbox workstation ver 100.0*

Have you ever flown over the handlebars of a bicycle? Have you ever immediately had to move overstuffed binder-folders for 8 hours and then type a paper for 10 hours with a sprained wrist and bleeding knees and shoulder?

Well I have. And let me tell you, it's an experience. An experience best not... experienced. I mean, I had to go through so much pain (and continue to do so for the love of my reader(s)(?)!), and now, all I have is this whiny-bitchy story, which I could turn into a suck-it-up-you-baby story (if someone else goes through the experience), of a time I'd rather not have had. I hope none of the damage is permanent.

I guess I should mention what happen. For variety, I will explain it in some sort of literary form that I picked up from godk now swher e.

I was going down a hill (faster faster faster).
And I hit my front and rear brake (squeeze squeeze squeeze).
My rear brake didn't catch (slip slip slip)
and suddenly... (!, !, !,),
my bike tire lifted me up (eject eject eject)
and tossed me off the bike (soar soar soar)
So I could hump the ground (grind grind grind)

(... you needed some sensationalism, didn't you?)

Let me tell you, that concrete is one harsh grinding partner. Hmm, maybe I should make that, uh, poem(?), an allusion to foreplay? I've a sick mind.

anyway,

As I needlessly notified all by copying on here at 2:00 in the morning, I got the BIG term paper done. I'm very glad.

(I have to go now, so I shall keep this brief)

I now have finals next week. I am studying very hard. Getting the paper done was a big relief for me!

I now just want to take the test and be done with it.

In other news, I have to go right now because I have a phone call with the jack-in-the-box lady. The wage is really good -- about twice the rate of $8! I just hope the job doesn't suck (though, in fast food, you never know. Even if it is just database grunt-entry).

I *need* money right now. My schooling depends on this!

Better go call the lady like I mean it.

Darrel

AT LAST, I MAY PUNISH ALL WITH MY MASTERPIECE!!!

Oh, and I can get some rest.

I just finished my 10-hour labor of love. With a severely twisted left wrist. Cuts on my knees and shoulder. Extreme fatigue (what's new?). Is this starting to sound like some military mission?

Mayhaps not.

The total project (of which the paper itself is a tiny small part) is about the size of a major textbook.

Though I *did* write this paper for my class, I also wrote it to make people weep.

And if nobody weeps, then I will.


Behold: Proof-of-Concept paper that no one but your enemies should gaze upon!

Roots and Effects of Tulipmania

The tulip, a flower well known to symbolize the Netherlands, did not originate in Europe. The tulip’s beginnings with humanity began in the Ottoman Empire, where it quickly rose in popularity as a beautiful flower. In fact, its exotic status and popularity became so great there that it became a national symbol of peace – so much so that the Ottomans named their major era of peace The Tulip Era!

From the Ottoman Empire, European diplomats discovered the exotic flower. One such diplomat, Ogier de Busbecq, relates to us in his book The Turkish Letters of Ogier Ghiselin de Busbecq that “[t]he tulip has little or no scent, but it is admired for its beauty and the variety of its colors” (25). From diplomats, the tulip made its way to the Netherlands, where its value skyrocketed. Its value became so high that Dutchmen of all classes, being commercial fanatics, began to trade in what has only in recent history been classified as futures contracts. The tulip value was so high, according to Michael Pollan in his book The Botany of Desire: A Plant’s-eye View of the World, that a single tulip could cost “ten thousand guilders … a sum that at the time would have bought one of the grandest canal houses in Amsterdam” (63). However, as the tulips rocketing price began to slow down, speculators panicked and began to dump their tulips into the market. The rapid increase of supply, combined with the fearful attitude toward future tulip value, caused the price of tulip bulbs to drop rapidly. Suddenly, people who spent a fortune on a tulip realized that they had spent a fortune for something not worth much. Collectively, the monetary loss from this tulipmania, as it is called all over the world, damaged the economy of the Netherlands.

Although the history of the tulipmania is well known, recently the true cause has been hotly disputed. In this paper, I will argue that tulipmania came from a combination of social, economic and political forces. Through five differing arguments concerning the cause, I will attempt to show that each source is just a piece of my argument. Let’s begin by looking at the classical idea on the cause first, and then build from there.

Until the 19^th century, the Tulipmania wasn’t understood very well. Then, in 1841, Charles MacKay, an English journalist, published his famous book Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds. In this book, MacKay argues how popular opinion can cause irrational market behavior. This book is important because, among other events, it is one of the first of its kind to describe the Tulipmania in layman’s terms, and is still considered to be the primary source on Tulipmania. In this book, MacKay compares the Tulipmania to “Symptoms of gambling” (93) whereby “[the] stock-jobbers, ever on the alert for a new speculation, dealt largely in tulips, making use of all the means they so well knew how to employ to cause fluctuations in prices” (93-4). According to MacKay, these allegedly greedy stock-jobbers did such a good job at manipulating prices that “A golden bait hung temptingly out before the people, and one after the other, they rushed … like flies around a honey-pot” (94). MacKay explains that not just the stock-jobbers, but everyone incorrectly “imagined that the passion for tulips would last for ever, and that the wealthy would … pay whatever prices were asked for them”(94). Finally, MacKay defends his main argument by concluding that “[p]eople of all grades converted their property into cash, and invested it in flowers. Houses and lands were offered for sale at ruinously low prices, or assigned in payment of bargains made at the tulip-mart” (94). Although he doesn’t use any hard evidence, MacKay’s vivid portrayals and anecdotes, including a tale of an Englishman jailed for consuming what he thought was an onion but was, in fact, a tulip, paints an interesting and believable story, and it’s little wonder that his argument was accepted until the latter half of the 20^th century, when Peter Garber, an economist, decided to tackle the economics at that time.

If MacKay was a 19^th century doctor, Garber would have to be a 20^th century surgeon. Using economics, Garber, A Brown University economist, shows us in his article “Tulipmania” two important facts. First, Garber proves that MacKay’s section on Tulipmania is, at best, not credible, and may be plagiarized. Second, Garber shows us that the rational economic principles of supply and demand, not frenzied mobs, played a more important role in causing Tulipmania.

On the former, Garber presents several of MacKay’s claims, of which three are provided in this paper, and then explains why each claim is not credible. In the first claim, Garber writes that “[a]ccording to MacKay, … a single Semper Augustus bulb was sold at the height of the speculation for 5,500 guilders, equal to $50,000 evaluated at $450 per ounce” (537). Garber then goes on to explain that MacKay “provided neither the sources of these bulb prices nor the dates on which they were observed” (537). From this, we can agree that the credibility of MacKay’s work is in jeopardy; another example from Garber, however, all but assures us. In the second claim, Garber begins by writing that, according to MacKay, “large amounts of foreign funds entered the country to add to the speculation and people from all classes hurriedly liquidated other assets to participate in the tulip market” (538). Garber then refutes this claim by mentioning that MacKay “presents no evidence of the sources and quantity of these foreign funds”. Finally, as a third claim, we are assured that MacKay’s work is fraudulent when Garber concludes that MacKay’s work has “no evidence … provided of the general economic context from which the speculation emerged” (538).

After debunking MacKay’s arguments, Garber argues that “the extremely high prices reported for rare bulbs and their rapid decline ... reflects normal pricing behavior in bulb markets” (536) with regards to the tulipmania. To prove this, Garber uses historical documents to trace various tulip prices over time, and even plots the prices on graphs (547-56). To explain his argument, Garber breaks the Tulipmania event into three periods: before, during, and after the crash. In addition, he also splits the tulip prices into two groups: piece goods, which are especially exotic tulips sold individually; and pound goods, which are non-rare tulips, sold by weight. Using these two groups, along with the charts and tables, Garber explains that in before the crash “[t]he pound goods sold at much lower prices … than the piece goods” (546). He then quickly adds that the prices for pound goods rose at a faster rate on the last month of the mania speculation, “rising twentyfold” (546), but then concludes that, overall, “the prices of the piece goods doubled or perhaps tripled” (546) compared to the pound goods. For us, what makes this information important is that, unlike the classical thought, “the figures do not indicate a price explosion at an infinite rate” (545) – the prices weren’t madness; they were rational! Continuing on to explain the 100 years following the crash, Garber reports that “records of transaction prices virtually disappeared … and only an occasional estate auction … reveal[ed] the magnitude of prices” (550). Despite the lack of data, however, Garber notes that high prices were available in “much later periods, and these are of an order of magnitude lower than these quoted during the speculation” (551). He presents to us that, during the crash, prices fell “to levels of 1 percent, 0.5 percent, 0.1 percent or .005 percent of their January 1637 values” (552) within a century. Further, Garber notes that the prices “of all individually sold bulbs [converge] to a common value, regardless of initial bulb values” (552) – a sign that the market had corrected itself. Finally, viewing the data after the crash, Garber compares the prices from the tulipmania event to the “price patterns for eighteenth-century tulip and hyacinth bulbs and for modern bulbs” (556), and concludes that the tulipmania “is typical of the market dynamics for newly developed bulb varieties”.

As we have seen, what Garber found out about Tulipmania was momentous. It practically debunked MacKay’s argument, and drastically deepened our understanding of Tulipmania. Despite this triumph, however, Garber’s leaves many questions without explanation. It does not discuss the plausibility of alternative factors such as the Dutch monetary strength, the reasoning of 16^th Century Dutch peoples, or even the possibility of market price manipulation. As we shall see, these were factors that contributed to the Tulipmania and cannot be ignored. Let’s begin by looking at the mindset of the Dutch in the 16^th Century, according to Michael Pollan.

Pollan, an environmental journalist at UC Berkeley, explains that the tulipmania happened because the tulip was an extraordinary item of beauty and rarity to the 16^th century Dutch. The Dutch, being industrious people who live in a “spectacularly flat, monotonous, and swampy” (The Botany of Desire 85) land, hard to work hard on the land to make it more beautiful. In particular, according to Pollan, “the Dutch have never been content to accept nature as they found it. … [w]hat beauty there is in the Netherlands is largely the result of human effort” (85). According to Pollan, the culmination of creating beautiful landscape would naturally bring about gardens, which “[t]he Dutch thought of … as jewel boxes”(86). These gardens could be so important that “even a single flower … could make a powerful statement” (86).

We then learn from Pollan that the Dutch introduction of the tulip, thought to be “a thing of beauty, no more, no less” (87), into the Dutch gardens was like “a festival of Dionysus, by turns ecstatic and destructive, transplanted from the forest or temple to the orderly precincts of the marketplace” (101). Thus, the tulipmania that ensued, Pollan argues, “bore all the hallmarks of a medieval carnival” (101), where a “social ritual of sanctioned craziness and release” (101) occurred. This craziness, Pollan states, began in “the Autumn of 1635 … when the trade in actual bulbs gave way to the trade in promissory notes” (102), and achieved its peak with the introduction of “‘colleges’ – back rooms of taverns given over to the new [tulip note] business two or three days a week” (102). These colleges, according to Pollan were like “a cross between orderly stock market protocol and a drinking contest” (102). In these colleges, not only do the parties partake in establishing prices on tulip futures, but also in heavy drinking – in what Pollan acquired from a pamphlet, for example, there’s advice that “trade must be done with an intoxicated head, and the bolder one is, the better” (103). However, Pollan goes on to tell us that the craziness had to end – “[e]very bubble sooner or later must burst” (104), and when the carnival was over, “many Dutch blamed the flower for their folly” (104). Pollan tells us that the flower, once prized above all other plants, became hated. Best-selling books denouncing the flower were published (105), and even the Professor of Botany at the University of Leiden, “could be seen patrolling the streets of the city, beating any tulip he encountered with his cane” (105).

Clearly, from Pollan’s work, we can see that although rational market principles were at play, as Garber demonstrates, ultimately it was the attitude towards tulips that determined its popularity, and this makes sense. Now that we understand the mentality of the Dutch in this period, we may understand an alternative explanation of Garber’s explanation of the cause of Tulipmania, presented by Earl Thompson.

Thompson, an economics professor at UCLA, asserts that, rather than being a normal market pattern in the floral industry, Tulipmania was “an artifact created by … Dutch futures buyers and public officials to bail themselves out of previously incurred speculative losses” (“The Tulipmania: Fact or Artifact?”, 1). In other words, tulipmania was indeed caused by market manipulators, just as MacKay argued. Unlike MacKay’s argument, however, the manipulators were the buyers and the public officials, not the sellers! In his article, Thompson explains defends his argument by discrediting Garber, introducing of data from the period, and then presenting his reasons from the data. Let’s look at how he discredits Garber first.

According to Thompson, Garber had three major inaccuracies in his article “Tulipmania”. Garber’s first inaccuracy was when he stated that “other bulb markets have displayed price patterns very similar to those possessed by 17^th century tulips” (1-2). Though Garber’s argument looks credible, Thompson argues that “a more complete data set, … would have shown [Garber’s] many readers that the decline in bulb prices at the end of the tulipmania displayed a crash that required much less time” (2) than declines in the floral industry. Thompson states that this is so because, if all the data is taken into account, the peak price reached is “over 20 times higher than tulip prices only three months after this peak” (2). Further, Thompson argues that the calculation would show a decline of 99.999% over the annual period, not “the 18^th-19^th century maximum average annual rate of 40%” (2) that Garber matches to the Tulipmania! In addition, Garber makes the second mistake when he overlooked a tulip price decline that occurred in the Fall of 1636, instead choosing “to characterize tulips as increasingly fashionable up to its February 1637 peak” (2). According to Thompson, “Once this initial … price-decline is recognized, there is a 20-fold price rise and matching decline” (2) from the Winter of 1636 to the Summer of 1637 – an interval that the February price peak is a part of. “Garber”, Thompson writes, “offers no rational explanation for this tulipmania” (2). Finally, Thompson claims that “Garber ignores the fact that his own data reveal the existence of some … transactions that were from 1/12 to 1/20 of the prices in nearly simultaneous normal futures transactions” (2). In other words, Garber ignored price anomalies that were, in fact, correct and important. According to Thompson, if one takes these three details into account, a very different account of the tulipmania appears. Let’s take a look at what Thompson proposes with these details included, by seeing whether the tulip was a fact or artifact.

As it turns out, Thompson declares that the Tulip was both a “Fact and Artifact” (3). Thompson explains that several accounts of the period, including MacKay’s account, “point out a highly peculiar part of this episode” (3). Apparently, “a large organization of Dutch florists and planters … announced that all contracts written … [between the November and the spring] possessed [new] provisions” (3) in the contracts. In particular, the provision allowed purchasers to opt-out of their contract in exchange for a fixed percentage of the contract. This was later backed by the government – a critical backer of this provision. To this, Thompson asks, “Why did Holland’s legislatures and judges approve of the seemingly buyer-favoring conversions of the contracts?” (4) To which he answers, after using data from his appendices, that “heavy public participation in the boom [occurred]. Even public officials were buying” (4). Furthermore, Thompson frames this within the historical context of European history. “[T]he October crash” (5), he explains, “and subsequent Tulipmania roughly coincided with the end of the … Thirty Years War” (5). As it turns out, the Dutch and Germans were steadily beating opposing armies, which allowed the establishment of stable nations. This establishment allowed tulips to enter the country which, combined with the prosperity that stable nations gain, further increased acceptance and demand for tulips. However, as the second phase of the Thirty Years War came into play, havoc spread throughout Germany again, and it was this that “eliminated the enormous prospective German demand for tulips in the foreseeable future” (5-6). Thus, Thompson argues, the “series of fundamental shocks” (6) from the war “should completely eliminate [the idea of tulipmania] from consideration” (6).

However, these shocks caused losses that “represented a personal financial disaster to many buyers, including several public officials” (6), and these officials “quickly met with the concerned public after the (Fall of 1636) crash in order to discuss the ‘problem’” (6). Thus, according to Thompson, the new provision, mentioned above, was introduced to protect purchasers from losing money if the futures price was higher than the value of the tulips at delivery. However, Thompson writes, “the planters were not totally lacking in political power” (6). Through negotiation, planters and officials compromised, agreeing that a “price equal to a mere 10% of the contract price” (6) was acceptable. Thus, by converting losing contracts from the Fall crash to the new contracts, the public officials, “being much more informed than the public” (6), could bail out of their losses, while the planters could still retain some profit. Unfortunately, however, the public at large did not understand this. The “innocent late November buyers” (7), Thompson states, “were the real victims of the contractual conversion” (7), because they became not only the ones paying the current contracts, but also the ones paying the brunt of the pre-converted contracts.

Now we’ve seen that an alternative theory to both MacKay and Garber is possible. However, all of these theories leave out another important factor – money. The article “The Dutch Monetary Environment During Tulipmania”, by Dough French, explains precisely that. In this article, French, an Executive Vice President of a Southern Nevada bank, argues that Garber’s article is incorrect because it “does not explain the price history of the common Witte Croonen bulb, that rose in price twenty-six times …, only to fall to one-twentieth of its peak price a week later” (3). Further, French admits being skeptical to Garber’s postulation of the Bubonic Plague as a cause of the tulipmania, declaring that “[t]his fatalistic extension of Keynes’s ‘animal spirits’ hypothesis is less than convincing” (3). To explain the price increase, French argues that “the supply of money did increase dramatically in 1630s Holland, serving to engender the tulipmania episode” (4). To begin, French gives us a quick overview on the religious significance of money throughout the ages; in particular, religious superstition discouraged nations from converting their metal coin into other coins. However, “[a]fter the fall of Byzantium, coins struck with sacred images disappeared” (4), and coin’s value and national identity shifted. The concept of money began to be tinkered with, culminating in the use of free coinage in the Netherlands, and was, according to French, “an immediate success”(5) because, prior to this idea, “gold and silver bullion obtained in America” (5) was taxed to one degree or another in other countries, and sometimes banned altogether. Because of this popularity, as well as need for a national coin in Amsterdam, “the Bank of Amsterdam was originated in 1609” (6). According to French, this bank had two major advantages over other banks. First, the “City of Amsterdam was responsible for the coin or bullion’s security while at the bank, against fire, robbery, or any other accident” (6). This means that deposits, being backed 100% by the city, were safe to make with the bank – something that few banks during the era could claim. Second, the fees from the bank were relatively low. To paraphrase French, “to retrieve a bullion deposit, a person had to present to the bank … a receipt for the bullion, … an amount of bank money equal to the book entry, and … payment of a ¼ percent fee for silver deposits, or ½ percent fee for gold deposits” (6). Moreover, to encourage active banking, “the depositor would receive a receipt that entitled [him] to draw the amount … deposited … within six months” (6). Thus, the bank “channeled the large amounts of precious metals”(8) discovered around the world to Amsterdam. However, because of the large influx of money, French argues that this “served to foster an atmosphere that was ripe for speculation and malinvestment, which manifested itself in the intense trading of tulips” (12). Using bankruptcy and loan rates during the era, French shows that, indeed, a huge, sudden influx of money must have coincided with the tulipmania.

Now that we’ve seen so many different arguments on the cause of tulipmania, it’s easy to see that this topic truly is hotly debated. As I stated in the beginning, tulipmania was caused by a combination of economic, political, and social factors, with each source presenting only a piece. To do this, I will present the overall picture by summarizing the correct parts of each source. First, we learn from MacKay that the tulipmania was created by social instability. Next, we learned from Garber that rational economic principles were a very important factor being overlooked. Third, we gain a deeper insight from Pollan, who also validates MacKay’s argument of social instability (in particular, greed). Fourth, we learn from Thompson that, perhaps those social and economic principles were intertwined by individuals trying to get out of debt. Finally, we understand that the Dutch were heading towards economic fallout because they rapidly acquired plenty of capital, and also lacked commercial restraint. Thus, the picture portrayed is like this: economic prosperity allowed the Dutch to spend. Around the same time, the tulip is introduced. The tulip is considered beautiful by the Dutch, and demand soars, with the money-infused Dutch being able to speculate. The Thirty Years’ War affects the prices, however, and officials wanting to spare themselves from further financial damage, modify the contracts for their benefit. Those Dutch not in government, not realizing the idea, see a bargain of having to pay only a percentage if things don’t work out, and bet heavily in “colleges.” Economic forces dictate that a bubble forms and, as prices tumble, panic sets in, with the bubble collapsing. From this, we can see from this that all of the sources have correct postulations; they only needed to consider more than they did to create an accurate snapshot of the event.

Works Cited

De Busbecq, Ogier Ghiselin. The Turkish Letter of Ogier Ghiselin de Busbecq. Trans. Edward Seymour Forster. Oxford: Oxford UP, 1968.

French, Doug. “The Dutch Monetary Environment During Tulipmania”. The Quarterly Journal of Austrian Economics. 9.1. Spring 2006. 28 Oct. 2006. .

Garber, Peter M. “Tulipmania”. Journal of Political Economy.97.3 (1989):535-60. Chicago UP: Chicago. JStor. U of California, San Diego lib., La Jolla. 28 Oct. 2006. .

Mackay, Charles. Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds. London: Savill, Edwards, 1841.

Pollan, Michael. The Botany of Desire: A Plant’s-eye View of the World. New York: Random House, 2001.

Thompson, Earl. “The Tulipmania: Fact or Artifact?”. Public Choice. 10.1007 (2006): Springer. 28 Oct. 2006. .

Tulip Crash!

I'm the master of 16th century Tulip economics.

I swear!

One doozy of a Fuck.

I have to flesh out through a ton of HTML to get this blog formatted correct. But I can't do it right now, oh no! I have to continue on my paper (the one that I've been working on since 4:30 and continue to do till the end of the night! YAH!)

Oh, I guess I'll mention that I flew over my bike's handlebars. Good times...

I enjoyed putting isopropyl alcohol on my wounds after the 'incident'. While I'm at it, maybe next time I'll light it on fire. Gotta be sanitary...

Yes, I'm a weirdo right now. I'm also very hungry.

Feed me, the bum.

No time for food, though. Ideas on a dead tree await! Glory under adversity is at stake! Toot-toot!

Okay, now I've weirded myself out, embarrassed my name on the net, and somehow psyched myself up for the paper. Whatever works, I suppose.

I've fucked my blog up

Oh yes I have!

I guess I'll have to fix it. For now, I must go to class

Isn't Fatigue Strange?

Looking at my prior post, I'm realizing that it's a big piece of discombobulated garbage. I knew that it was the moment I wrote it. I was tired. I felt awake, though.

Fatigue is weird. To illustrate, a little bit before I wrote that post, I went to my two classes, and didn't learn a single thing. It felt like the teacher and movie (I think one of my teachers ditched class for Thanksgiving) were going too fast. I kept wishing I wasn't there.

I took a nap and I'm feeling better. Better, at least, to begin completion of my term paper.


While I took a nap, I kept having a painful dissatisfaction for how my life has been going when I get to do whatever I want to do. I have had this hit me 4 times in the past 6 years, and every time it's over the same thing.

I check the news incessantly. It's like I can't help it. I think somebody has coined a name for it -- it's a thrill not unlike what a gambler has.

I'm saddened over how much opportunity I had over this summer. I squandered so much time checking the headlines over and over, as well as just reading wikipedia. I know a lot of superfluous information, enough to title myself champion of the trivial.

Yet I don't know much about the things that I care about. I don't know much about popular culture (as if it mattered). I'm far behind in technical knowledge. I haven't met anybody new online. I'm not willing to check out new things, meet new people online. Create something from nothing. I don't like bitching about this, but it's the Sad State of the Nation of Darrel.

I don't want any of this. Instead, I want to expand my creativity, parade it around others, collaborate! I want to learn, but I want to use what I'm learning. Knowing ain't enough. I want to interact.

Participate, not spectate.

So I ask myself when I'm going to do this. I've had a lot of trouble getting the motivation together. I can't compel myself. I don't feel strongly enough. I feel too dead to give enough care about anything...

I've tried. I've set deadlines, I've told myself and reminded myself to do things. I don't listen, though. And I don't give enough of a care to make myself face up to it. I'm always half-hearted.

I'm tired of this.

What I'm doing isn't working anymore. Maybe it's because I don't have enough leisure time to screw around enough that I do what I feel is important. Maybe the consequences of doing what I feel is important makes me sad, so I go back to screwing around to feel better. Habits are addictive like that.

It's been said that habits are things that are easier to do than to not do. They say it takes 3 weeks of constant pressure to bust a habit and bring about new ones. They say that you should act on busting a habit now, rather than later.

Today, I am going to stop actively checking the news. I have nothing to replace this with, though, so I'll have to think about that. School alone will make me sad, so it's got to be something complimentary.

I guess I'll learn about news from anything but computer and television (as if I watched television... I guess the computer is). Maybe I'll stop looking at wikipedia, too. Go back to my old Everything2 stomping grounds? At least I was part of a community. No, everything2 is what started me into this mess. I don't know.

Time to put my head down and start the grinding work. Like robot.

And that's how I dodge reality.

I Want to Be Happy

I am... I am... back, BACK again! (back again! ack again...!)

Thanksgiving eve is upon me. During this time period, I've made it a tradition to have my hair cut in a way I'd normally never let be, followed by a buzzing. I wonder if I should keep it on this time, though. I may be forsaking my job for another one at Jack-in-the-Box. My Aunt (who works at the corporate office) has a lead for an IT management job that may really help my resume. Oh, and I may get the chance to leave my mark of health-consciousness on the fast food biz.

I am glad to know that people everywhere are getting something to eat, and for this I credit fast food. Giving people low quality, cheap foodstuffs is better than nothing. But I know they can do better. What is probably the biggest problem is that these companies are chasing money, not the feeding of people. And for this, we have an obese problem.

I've known people who hate the fast food business for the feeding reasons. In many ways, I can agree that there's quite a bit wrong with them. I mean, the food is high in fat & carbs, salt, and low in nutrients. The colors in the food are all artificial -- even the bun. The work is done by kids & (at least in our country) illegal immigrants, whom I feel are being exploited: the work in one of those places is boring, stressful and dangerous (I worked in fast food for 2 weeks because I was starving. It was so bad, I quit)!

I don't think fast food will ever go away. I don't think it's possible to change everything. Maybe even changing one thing in it would be difficult, or even impossible. But, wouldn't it be cool to say, "Hey, I made this change in it, and that helped!"? If anything, I think it's better to try and fail than to never attempt.

Anyway, I didn't really want to talk about fast food. I wanted to talk about Thanksgiving Eve.

To me, the ritual of cutting my hair is much like the idea of tabula rasa. It's kind of a signal to me to start over. Maybe even do something new. Why I chop the hair symbolizes two things to me: the memory of the extreme growth and almost-renaissance I had around the time I started the tradition with Paul; and an ongoing reminder that I'm starting afresh (nothing like feeling a breeze on your bald head, or even a small rubbing to feel the bristles, to remind you that you're starting things different).


Remembering the time, it was such a difficult time. It was definitely a pain period. Trying to forge a suitable identity, in the face of living in a precarious environment, made things difficult. I was trying to get through school as fast as I could. I was worried that I would begin to pay rent, and not make it through school. I really did not want to be stuck at that wretched hospital (and yes it is wretched). I was lured in by Meghannraye, wasting my time and money (on gas for that 4runner) often. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I just kept going.

What hit me toward the end of the fall semester last year was a new influx of ideas. I, somehow, was open enough to give up my own ideas and embrace new ones. I was willing to give up friends; I gave up Meghannraye. I was burned out from school because I was trying too hard in all of my classes (especially English and Spanish... that Spanish class was kind of useless because the teacher tried to cram everything in to the semester, rather than spending time making sure we understood the language. I missed the first spanish teacher that I had every single meeting). I started becoming proficient at English, but the hours and hours of writing and resubmissions to the professor burned me out (I decided at the beginning of the semester to not get an A, but to write outstanding essays... if the professor would be willing to help me (which, thankfully, he was!))


This whole meltdown of everything got me ready for change. I gave up my opinions, and listened to the opinions of others (this can be dangerous, but when you got nothing to lose...). I remember getting a book, The Game, that for the first time showed me social interaction. It taught me more than picking up girls (which is a major theme of the autobiography). Among other things, it taught me about being in control, and it taught me to not hang on other peoples words for action -- which then translates to not needing others for contentment. I have forgotten everything. Now that I think about it, this youtube video, which I learned from a streamed interview by The Game's author, Neil Strauss, is great in that it shows how to deal with punks, be it women or men. I really respect Tom Cruise, despite his shortcomings (his humanity).

And now, seeing the ad banner on the right side by the youtube video, I'm coming to realize that marketing is only one step away from having topless women streaming through ads. You can see cleavage, nipples and all in this picture! Thinking about other cultures, combined with men being able to go around topless, makes me think this is okay, I think...


Anyway, back to the book. Despite the really unhealthy living situation in the second half, I really like that book! It's very honest.

I think I'm being way too jumpy on topics right now. Aya. I should also be doing my homework, due in 4 hours. I'll be sure to finish it...

Before I go, I guess I'll leave myself a small dilemma to not resolve... at least for today. Thinking about what I've learned from PM, I have been taught that control is the opposite of compassion -- control is a form of fear. On the other hand, control, as I have proven to myself, makes me really happy. Steering conversations, being the leader, calling the shots, telling people "fuck you" when they tell me I'm wrong, and so forth, is something I enjoy. (In fact, I spent all winter break reading books that oriented around social constructs and control, be it the concept of lies, charlatan tactics, aristocratic maneuvers, persuasion and manipulation (of which I used to on the 3 dogs at Paul's house, all fighting to be my "favorite"). I know that I like this stuff!
Further, I am sad when I've given up these sorts of things. I feel adrift in the doldrums. I feel like I'm coasting. I hate it.

But, on the other hand, I think PM is right, at least ideologically. So, what to do? I don't know. Maybe I'll just go the wrong way. Maybe I'll understand the right way someday.


In any case, I'm itching for an influx of new culture into my life. Tired of coasting, as I have since May.

Good Times

Just wanted to declare that I'm having a good time.

The demands of life may be high, but I think I've learned to like the demands.

In any case, I'm figuring out how to enjoy myself while I work. Maybe this is how workaholics become.

His Display of Petty Envy is Really Not Becoming

Raging Conservatism

I'm starting to wonder if I'm turning more and more conservative. I'm slipping so far behind technology... I'm not savvy anymore.

In fact, I'm a big advocate for the banishment of computers back to being used only as specialized tools. I think that humans getting together to come up with things is a billion times better than using computers.

It's better for the world, too.


I also am against cars, in favor of bikes.

And I'm against our government, in favor of smaller, community sized institutions where my neighborhood is my government.

Keys to Writing Success... for Weiners

Okay. I've got to bail from the dungeon level of this wicked temple tower, in all its crushingly cruel power. But, before i skip out on all of my dungeon-mates (that'd be you), I wanted to give you my secrets to writing perfect papers.

1. Spend time away from friends and family. All day, every day. Repeat for a looooonnnnng time. Although it's nigh-well impossible to have no contact (even if you have no telephone like I do), having a minimal amount of time spent is good enough

2. Replace said socializing time with economic reports, repeat episodes of the News, and anything else that kills the brain with meaningless data, trivial facts, and so forth. Careful not to find a story. In fact, just go read wikipedia, for boozises' sake. You'll safely get convert yourself into the right mindset.

3. Begin writing.

The idea here is much like aging balsamic vinegar.

In balsamic vinegar preparation, you want the sourest shit you can get, and I mean SOUR, so you force oak bits into cooked grapes gone bad for years and years, hoping that, slowly, a reaction takes place, giving you woody grape shit. Or, if you're American, you grind trees to sawdust and then mix it in with unbalsamatized vinegar, made in a metal barrel to simulate the shitty wood taste.

It's not unlike the taste of an old wooden cooking spoon with rotten macaroni & cheese mushed all over.

So, as we can see, whoever came up with balsamic vinegar was a genius. And that is why we are applying these same techniques to your brain. Because that's genius product.

Back to the paper.

In particular, your paper will have the edge Graduate School students beg for. The secret is that there's a guaranteed great one-two-three punch here (remember that most papers ask for three topics to back up the thesis).

You'll be so lonely, and so crazy for socializing, that you'll write a lot, And I mean A LOT, when that paper becomes due.

Further, since your social skills will have crashed, your topics will probably be long-winded, making A LOT a whole lot bigger. And that's what pork is all about. Jupiter, too. It will take you so long to find the right arguments, while you're trying to somehow communicate with the teacher via a long-winded essay for desparation of a life, you'll look like you really know what you're talking about.

Further, there's a safety net. After spending so much time learning trivialities, you will have a tendency to communicate about said trivialities. The result? Not just a long-winded paper but a boring one, one where the teacher either falls asleep, or, if your teacher is one of those people too dedicated to give up hope, one where he/she discovers that part of your data-nic essay was really just a mental incantation of selling one's soul to Satan presented through a mental voice of Dan Rather. Witness the power of the method!

I hope all of you understand why it's important to be succesful at writing. Think of how you can control teachers minds. Think of how much better your life would be. Observe how all fall before the might of your paper. The printer is mightier than the gun.

Now, if I could go see a chiropractor, maybe my back would stop acting up

You Aren't What You Were

Today, I just remembered something that I'd forgotten; That I decide to be happy.

It's really simple: I control how I feel, what lens I perceive the world through, to what degree my feelings affect my actions, and so forth. I'd just forgotten all of this in the Spring.

I think what cued me in was my run today. I put my bicycle in the shop (because I'm plain lazy to calibrate brakes, brake wires, mess with an oily chain, tinker with the gearing, and so forth), and so I had to run all the way to work, which is a... somewhat normal run. It was a little bit longer than what I used to average running (which would be either running around College of the Redwoods campus twice or going around College of the Redwoods once and then fling off into a very long and wind-ey trail... I don't like the word windy, just as I don't like the word wraith. (but I do like wrath)), but I enjoyed it very much. Although I didn't bring water while running in this beach-desert...

So, I'm not sure whether the run did it, but today, A whole bunch of memories and old ideas have been jolting through me(I'm so happy to remember!). One of those ideas, however, does have to deal with my running. It's an old relic of mine.

The idea is that there's always good to benefit from in every situation. There's always a consolation prize. And, in some cases, the worse the situation, the better the prize. Take my running, for example. Some people would say, "damn! I have to run today, instead of taking my bike! That sucks!". To me, I see this as an opportunity to rise to the challenge. "Sweet", I think. "I get to run today! That means I get to burn calories, eat more food later, see how fast I can run, use muscles I normally don't use..." and on and on. In fact, though I'm not sure where I got this idea (though I'm sure I'm not the first one to think of it), I know of two cases that helped me shape it.

The first one was when I worked at WinCo. At WinCo, we used a mechanical pusher, a cart hawk, to push carts. I always dreaded the failure of the 600 lb beast, because life would be hard. In fact, the reason why I did not weightlift was because of fear of having my muscles be too tired and sore to push if the cart hawk failed (which it did from time to time).

I really wanted to some resistance training, though. So here's what I did: I decided to push the carts myself, thereby doing three things. First, I got the strength training that I wanted; Second, I got around dreading the cart hawk's demise -- it was no longer necessary to have it! It was just icing on the cake; and third, I gained in ways I didn't think about -- pushing carts (and challenging my cow orkers to beat me) strengthened my relationships with fellow employees, showed my "dedication" to the store (fuck you, WinCo), and helped me obtain friendship in others (it's great to tell others your "big cart chain" story. I mean, everyone's got one... plus, feeling and looking great attracts people).

What I gained from this was many-fold. I had just proven to myself that doing something I didn't like, something that I didn't dare to do, helped me to get over my comfort zone and ultimately grow. I really did grow(!) from it. Just look at the blog postings from January to June of '04!

The second story is a lot shorter and simpler. It merely showed me how flawed my perspective can be. It also showed me ... bah. I have to go.

What I've Been Wondering Lately:
What's the boundary of our consciousness?

Where does my consciousness end?
Does my toe have a consciousness?

Endless Vacation...

Hmm...

Just saw a posting on warrenellis.com (thank you, Jeremiah, for showing me this gem) about the closure of shops in the program Second Life due to software that copies objects.

Now, I've never played second life. But from what I know, apparently you "purchase" items a la the sims, only by using real money.

I think this is retarded.

Why? Because

1) which should I spend my money on, a fictitious 0bject (say, a car in second life) or a real object? I can see how some objects (such as a "nice" car) would be cheaper in second life (almost like an alternative economy for those who don't want to pay high prices for a real "nice" car) , but the very idea of paying a significant sum of money to see some light patterns generated from a computer is be an retard-icusdum.

2) the true value of intellectual property, (and here's the beautiful part about it), is practically nothing. Only the wage to create the property is worth anything. After that, copying is next to nil (the price of sending sending a signal to flip some bits). Once society FINALLY gets over this, I think we'll be a lot better off, since we'll stop artificially inflating the true value to a ridiculous level! (I think programmers are overpaid ($60,000 starting avg) Don't you?)

In other words, let's pool some money together to pay a programmer to write the code, paying him by hour.

Like I said before, retard-icusdum.

Now I've gots a go.

Yeep yeep! Yeep yeep!

You Are What You Were

I may be the dead husk of my formerly thoughtful self, but occasionally I get some dying gasps of insight, maybe from memory, of things that are important, at least to me. Alas, the memories fade quickly, and I lose them.

So I have been winding down the past 15 minutes or so to get myself ready for bed, when I started thinking about government. In particular, I was thinking about how there's many different types of government, and that no one government is right. Moreover, I was thinking about how it's possible to have no government at all! I came to these conclusions when I thought "what is the role of government"?
To this, I conclude that government's role is to facilitate the cohesion of members of society. When I thought more about it, it made me think, "isn't it possible to not have a government and still obtain cohesion?" To this, I believe it's possible. Effective communication is key. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm being anarchistic.

From government, I started thinking about how humanity has a habit of classifying things, in particular, I started think about unilinear social evolution, compared to multilineal social evolution in anthropology. Unilineal evolution, now defunct, stated that all evolutions of government follow the same path. From foraging, to big-man, to centralized authority, etc., and stratified the same way. Multilineal evolution, on the other hand, stresses that government can take many differing forms, and uses examples of large societies that lack centralization to prove their claim. Instead, a group or elaborate social structure (like cross-cutting ties) can maintain the cohesion.

I would like to go one step further, and explain that more is possible than either group labels. In particular, I think we should put down these silly labels and look at things for what they are.

and that lead me to conclude that a lot of the studies going on at the University level, anthropology, philosophy, chemistry, and so forth, are so... out of date now. They utilize Old Greek ideas of "it's either this or that, but not either, nor neither" to classify and structure things, it's ridiculous. Furthermore, the use of this system causes prejudicial stereotyping of things, which we all know is detrimental in the long run.

As an example, let's use music genres. Most all of us know about the major genre groups, such as rap, metal, rock, pop, R&B, and so forth. These are all easy ways to label and categorize music. But what happens when we mix, say rock with rap (Rage Against the Machine is an example of this)? Well, people say it's "rock-rap", which kind of goes against the whole idea of classification altogether, since genre's are meant to differentiate one another. Indeed, one only has to look at the genres of techno songs alone to realize that, gee, maybe there's so many different types of genres (chillout ambient psy, anyone?), and so much mixing of the genres, that it may behoove to stop trying to differentiate songs into genres and instead let song types mingle together (gee, kind of like letting people of different races come together).

In fact, this whole idea of "logos", which we find to be prevalent in fields like anthropology, is a bit misleading. Breaking and grouping things, making them "this or that, but not both or neither", makes us lose sight of what the essence or reality of the object is.

Now, as I think about it, we can never truly know whether we really know what an object really is or not. I can see an object, but what I'm really doing is detecting light hitting my eye after (what I believe is) reflecting off the object. I'm not actually "seeing" the object. Furthermore, I can't really "feel" an object. I can, however, obtain sensations from processed signals from nerves, of which I cannot be certain about, either.

This fits in just nicely with decategorizing objects, not being certain about an object. Using a name for things creates fallacy by causing prejudices. Whether that's important or not is up to you.

Furthermore, I can go further by stating that an object is always changing over time. Wasn't it Heraclitus, then, who said that one can't cross the same river twice? The objects changes over time, and so do I. With two objects constantly changing (of which I cannot be too sure), one cannot be absolutely certain about anything. And that's fine. Your coffee table may be here now (though you would never know with your limited point of view), but the sucker is changing, and so are you! (is it still a coffeetable, then? Are you still you?)

and what is truth if there just is, anyway? what makes one truth (if it exists, and indeed it does as an idea in my head, I think) more important than another? Frankly, I'd rather hear my grandmother tell me a story than learn about what's actually going on in an atomic bomb (which we'll never be certain of, anyway). The connection I'm getting to my grandmother, plus the story, I think, is a better bargain to me than atomic ideas running through the brain (which probably have inherent flaws littered all over the place)

I don't believe in robots. I don't believe in people. I ain't no humanist. I'm just me. just like there just is. And we're all changing.

I'm really excited at the possibilities when I break down the walls of seclusion. I think my greatest joy will be the day I destroy philosophy. Stop the poor ideology from poking our children's eyes out. Nothing better than freedom, I suppose.

Ah, the dangers of names.

In Other News, Life is Great Right Now. Thanks for Wondering!

masobation

Man, I got done with my bicycle ride home, and can't believe how pumped I'm feeling.

Yes, this post is going to be about me & my masculinity.


I enjoyed the ride. The library was shutting down. I got on my bike and flipped all the lights on, donned the helmet and "clan McNab" safety vest, and sped off. The 6 o'clock bell started chiming loudly as I flew down library walk.

My body and arms had stopped hurting. Suddenly, I felt like I could do anything! I mean, they still hurt a little right now, but it's going away rapidly.

So I was flying down the walk while the bell was chiming, going down, down, down hill at a maddening pace. Through the biochem section, down the road, through the sidewalk, over the bridge, down the hill, to the bottom.

And then I pumped up the hill faster than I have ever done.

I'm starting to think that getting adequate sleep, combined with the subsiding lactic acid, got me feeling this way. I could see my sweat glistening in the copper-tone light, my muscles rounded, my veins popping up a bit. It's been a while, oh yes...

As I got over the hill, I was fortunate enough to have the stop lights working in my favor. I didn't have to stop much at all. I was going down the busy street (in the bike lane) that I was passing all of the cars, even those "sporty" rice burners that try to beat all because they can.

I mean, it ended at a point. At the turnoff point, the cars were starting to catch up (though they had to slow down, since the turnoff point was a red-lighted intersection), and I had maxed out on my 24 speed bicycle.

All the way home, I just wanted to peddle hard. And, at the end, I lifted the entire bike frame with one arm and ran up the flight of stairs to with ease.

I want to go weightlift again. I missed feeling this way. I need to do something about the pain, though. But I really want to be in this mode more often. It gets me going. Keeps me going fast. Bring on the pain!

An individual is distinguished when he gets shit done

The Dance of the Lemons

Okay. School's starting to wrap up. I have a test this Monday. Much larger paper due next Monday. Finals the week after that.

I love it when the heat is cranked up.

Currently, I'm studying like mad. I think I figured out what I was doing wrong all this time. See, I haven't been getting my sleep. Every day, I go to bed at about midnight, and then wake up at 6 AM. It's drained me like mad, but because I've moved into a different area several times, changed workplaces (which is where I spend the majority of my time), and changed schools, I've had to jettison (sic) my habits for something new (note that I didn't have a choice).

I've forgotten when to go to bed. I've forgotten to plan my time. I've forgotten to put priorities in their place. And the difficulty of it all has driven me nuts.

I'm so glad that I'm getting myself back together. Next semester is going to be so much better! I can do this; I remember how, now! I guess I needed some time under harsh but not-too-harsh conditions.

Now, if I can only figure out how to learn material that my classes present in lecture (as if we already knew) but aren't in the books assigned to me, I'll be set.

Library close down now.

Bye byes!

Don't I feel retarded... ?

mein arm-ens!

I made a bad mistake.

On Monday, I decided to resume weightlifting. The workout was great, but I forgot one thing: My body doesn't get rid of lactic acid very well.

Normally, I'll forget this and start weightlifting, hurt really bad, and have my father use a thumper to painfully pound the lactic acid out of flesh.

But my father ain't down here. So, for the past 4 days, I've just been in lots of pain everywhere. I've tried hot water and self-massaging, but it doesn't seem to do anything.

The pain is driving me nuts! Every moment is a moment of regret. I guess I'll have to buy a thumper -sigh-.

Anyway.

Today is a school holiday. Veteran's day is tomorrow, so we get the Friday off. I'm liking it.

However, I have much studying to do. I'm helping to get my girlfriend a place down here by personally visiting places, doing my 10 page "Tulipmania" paper (though I know it's going to be bigger than 10), study for all the material on the test on Monday, etc. etc.

I can't wait till the quarter is over. I can regain my footing, then.

MOUTH. STUFFING. NOW

geez! This com, ahem, "workstation" is hypersensitive right now! All the inputs are exacerbated. It's almost like it's on stricnine! Yipes!

School has been pretty tolerable lately. I feel like rebelling against one of my teachers (because she gives us quizzes that make me think "That's retarded!" over and over, and because she feels she can decided what we do and do not do (while I feel like I, being the consumer, ultimately have the right to decide what I do))

I don't feel strongly enough to do anything about it, though.

As for work, I've been doing well. Recently, I decided to hold a competition against myself: see how far up the rank of command in the Scripps chain I can get to before UCSD gives me the boot (with a diploma, hopefully). This will be helpful in conjunction with my UCSD degree since I plan on doing some sort of executive/consultant/specialist-translator work when I get out

In fact, now that I mention it, I should let all of you know that it's official: I've changed my major to communication, with at least a double minor in International Studies and Japanese linguistics.

I'm now feeling vibrant about my work career as the next step in my life. I feel as though school is a secondary, "optional" yet enriching component to my life. I always plan to study, but I don't think I will at the University level... community college, probably, since it's so dirt cheap... I won't know till I get older, I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! You moles out there... You voting?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently, I've been orchestrating the move-out of my girlfriend. She's still in Humboldt County, but she /really/ wants to come out here. I've been trying to get money together... I think my Christmas is gonna be lean/nonexistant. That's okay, though. I've had nonexistent Christmii (?) before. I'll eat a bunch of yams (and stuffing!) and call it good. Time off will make me go crazy, though.

I've thought that maybe, when I get time off, I should start learning how to be constructive. Start writing more, make music, start practicing the arts. My only problem, though, is that I want to share what I've got, rather than create something and keep it to myself. I really hate doing things all alone.

Bleh. I am still having trouble making friends. I haven't figured it out. I'm thinking part of it is that 1) I just don't jive with people's ideologies anymore (for example, most people I get exposed to are spending their time partying, and sadly I find their partying (with alcohol and mindless chit-chat) boring); 2) I'm a wee bit aggressive in meeting people, and serious in demeanor, and that makes people turn away; 3) people my age try to shield themselves from eachother, for fear of meeting a person they don't like.

I've noticed that in the process of survival over these past (almost) 2 years, I've lost a lot of my humanity. I'm so hard and tough, my skin is all leathery. I deal with absolutes. I don't bend to others. I can't just "have fun" because I don't "have enough time". It's great to have such a tone of sureity in the voice, but when you turn into just a mean robot, it sucks. I don't think creatively much anymore. The seeds of creatively are still alive, though. Sometimes one of them sprouts. But then the gardener shears it to the soil-level, hoping it never comes back. Those poor plants are confined to the dirt.

One day, I'm gonna kick that gardener's ass. Take him out for lemonade or something. And then make him an offer he can't refuse. Give him a waterpail. Hopefully he doesn't overwater the seeds.

Back to the dirt with ye!


See, the creativity comes out when I'm by myself. But when I'm with others it's just... gone! I know I have the potential when with others; I've seen it for myself. I value human contact above anything. I'm just gonna sit and wait on the fields of victory (and hopefully I won't die waiting)

One more thing about socializing: it's possible that it isn't me, it's just my environment. I know that my school is pretty anti-social (I always try to lock eyes with others wherever I walk, but nobody looks at me. They always look away even before looking at me), and my workplace is confined to people in cubicles, rarely seeing or hearing one another (especially when the ipods are turned on. Technology breaking us apart?)

I've thought about how maybe I am a victim of my environment, but then I see that others are succeeding. They're talking to people. They got connections. They're happy and they have fun. They are living proof that it's possible at UCSD.

So, it must be something that I'm doing that's wrong. Maybe I'm just not letting myself go enough.

Though I haven't seen it, I've read some stuff about that Borat movie. I've seen Borat on The Ali G Show, and I don't like his character, But I want to see this movie. There's something socially important about his character, I've learned. Borat allows the actor to do things that the actor could not do on his own. For example, I guess that there's a scene at a real-life rodeo where the actor, in Borat character, continues to mock Americans over and over again. People were fearing that his life was in danger. Because he was just getting people angrier and angrier. Apparently, several times, the security team attempted to get him out of the rodeo because of the flaring tension!

When the actor was interviewed, he was asked if he could've done that while being himself. The answer was that he couldn't have even gotten in the arena! The fact that he was able to go so far, because he was in character, testifies to the power of wearing the mask of a character. It is for this that, I believe, if you don't like the movie, you haven't been paying attention.

It's funny, though. When I was younger, I used to wear "masks" of different characters. All the way to 2003, I had knack for pretending. However, it was hard to distinguish whether they were the real me or not. After the painful transition to adulthood, I lost it all. I'd like to revisit the use of roles, those "masks", to empower myself a bit more.

The only thing cooler than wearing masks to get into situations you'd never go into is getting into situations you'd never go into without a mask (and not having any fear).

I wonder if any of this makes any sense. I should be doing homework right now.

Before I sign off, I want to document one more thing: I'm noticing that my life works in cycles, and I want to hopefully leave a note to my future self (or just memorize, hopefully one of them gets the job done) about that. I'm noticing that daylight savings seems to be the special transitory point of where life is sucking or succeeding, particularly because of a strange physical misunderstanding of time conception. When the world goes to regular time, I have a hard time keeping myself on track with the world. I get behind.

On regular time, I'll wake up, but not be ready for it. I'll slowly fight to get myself together. I'll get going. But now i'm late! As time goes on, I have to fight for everything because it's not the "right" time to do it.Before I know it, it's bedtime and I'm still stuck in the afternoon!

Needless to say, I get a whole lot less done on standard time.

On Daylight Savings, I get to work. Things get done. I start catching up, and quickly get going, blazing a trail of success.

Now, within those constraints, on an annual level of analysis, I notice that after daylight savings in the spring ends, I slow down, just in time for summer. I get lazy over the summer, and kind of care, but can't get myself together. Then, fall hits and I realize I gotta get going. But I can't. This causes extreme stress. It's not until daylight savings that things get together. I start working at the right times. I do what I tell myself I'll do. I find that things get even easier and easier. And by the time daylight savings ends again the following spring, I'm really ramped up and busy (and I love it).

One thing I notice about the fall is that I have a lack of entertainment. I decide that I've got to keep working to stay on track, and I don't take a time out for fun. I think this is a mistake. This is why I hate August/September/even October with a passion, and November/December/January/February are so great. I mix my fun with my work. I take time out for it.

When March and April roll around, I decide that I should spend more time working, and I do. But then daylight savings comes around and I get discomfuckulated and things start failing. Just in time for the semester (now, quarter) to end.

The past 5 years have been this way. Ever since I graduated from HighSchool, I've noticed this cycle. It needs to end now.

I'm so hungry for thanksgiving stuffing that it's not funny anymore. And I don't know why.

intent qualifies action

Tapati-yo! ai, I'm so tired right now.

I spent a good 6 hours on the payphone last night, and only realized it when it was 2 in the morning. I love to communicate with others, especially my friends, as I'm pretty much a social butterfly. But I still can't believe that i did that.

Not to worry, though. My body, crazy as it is, woke me up at the same time it always does -- 7:08, and wouldn't go back to sleep. So I knew I couldn't stop.

The only problem is that I go throughout my day being a dumb oaf.

Recently, I got my house in order. I've been having fun with my roommates, and for the first time since I moved into the livingroom I'm actually looking forward to coming home! Moreover, I'm getting very good at doing school now. I got my 41 page prospectus done (most of it was highlighted and referred-to source photocopies), can handle my tests, and have figured out how to get through this school. Two issues stand in my way, though. The first is that I need to figure out the money situation. I'm gonna have problems here in the future. The second is going through school too fast. I really want to stick around. -sigh-... I dunno. Life's pace is exciting, though. I've got the right balance of stress, that i feel invigorated but not hurt. I like it.

I want the quarter to end, though. I want to get my 3-week vacation so I can take care of all the basics that I haven't gotten set up.

I'll probably post more soon. Right now, I'm so tired I'm gonna hit the hay. Oafs need to smarten up, too...

Scribbles of the Random Sort

Why is it that I must procrastinate every time? Why is it that I make it every time?

It's amazing what the mind can do under pressure.

Right now, I'm supposed to be writing a prospectus. Supposed to photocopy and highlight my sources. Suppose to show how well I've mastered the topic of tulip speculations.

Oh, and read my class material, too.

I just don't want to do it. Whatever strength I had these last two semesters has left me. Summer has reduced me to a kernel of my former self. Guess it's time to pick myself up and get back to where I was. Building that momentum is hard, though.

If only I could find the motivation to really want the degree from this place. I think i'd get my focus.

I'm such a lazy bitch sometimes.

[15:33] (jeremiah): oh the dumb people... it hurts the brain darrel. dealing with people who have so much power and so little intelligence... it hurts every day ...

Do It In the Road

School's getting better and better.

I think my financial problem is coming back to haunt me -- I have to go visit the financial aid office, once again, to fight for what's owed. At least, now, I have a job. I've got enough money that I'm not going to die if they pull the plug. I don't think I'll get to go to school, though.

I had breakfast club this morning. All the participants enjoyed it. We got our day going well, learned a bit about eachother, had a lot of fun. I'm trying to turn the "club" into a student club, though. I have the goal of getting free breakfast for all from the University. I think it's quite attainable. I'm going to try securing funding by using the mission statement, "to bring about University unity by having students have breakfast together". I plan on getting other clubs, fraternities, etc. etc. to come together to have breakfast. And then have breakfast myself with them. I also plan on fundraising by walking library walk with an apron on (maybe it'll say "kiss the cook") and having a mason jar with a sign that says "support breakfast club -- feed hungry students breakfast" attached to the jar wall. I'll have coins inside, and I'll jingle the jar in front of people, while I say nothing (okay. Maybe I'll ask for donation).

I'm also planning on starting a student empowerment club. I'm dismayed that I'm paying so much money, yet there's no organized group where I can have a say in how my money on the campus gets spent. Somebody needs to step up to the plate on this, and because of that, I guess I'll step up to the plate.



In other news, two days ago, I was supposed to go meet for the first time at a volleyball tourney. That didn't happen. Instead, I went to a microsoft meeting (a meeting for prospective microsoft hires), and learned about microsoft. Mainly, I was hoping to get the XboX 360 so I could sell it (I don't play games anymore. Don't even have a TV).

Well, they had a lot of prizes, but I didn't get anything. Such is life. However, at the end, they needed people to get rid of the subway sandwiches, soda, and chips. So, I took an entire subway platter full of sandwiches and ran towards the volleyball court.

Now, if that ain't a good way to introduce yourself to your team, I don't know what is.

We chatted it up for quite a while after the game. I was late for bed. I didn't mind, though.

...

I had a strange idea come across me. I learned about this new contraption, called The Tower of Babel. Though it is just a pun, it made me wonder: is technology taking the bible and going backwards? Are we going the inverse of the bible? Am I just being too creative?

Not that I really believe in the bible. In fact, I haven't read it. It's just that I had a thought of how we may be striving towards a veritable garden of eden -- a way to go backwards.

Anyway, I have to go. Lose my cellphone, gain a pager. And write a prospectus (bleh).

Derby crash, Miracle Gangster

Silly Slashdot

Something be an retarded that I posted on slashdot

----------------------------

I foresee a new videogame -=- a videogame that puts an end to sweatshops!

All we need is to create some software to interface with some robots. Then, we need to take that software and turn it into a game. In this game, we'll make a person's avatar be connected to a robot!



Think of it like this: take a robot that hoes the ground. Interface it with, say, a game much like diablo. Now, every time the user clicks the mouse, the robot hoes! And every time the user moves the character, the robot moves as well! We'll award points for doing a job right. We may even give treasure in the game for doing a task so many times.

The user will see a barbarian/wizard/paladin/whatever in the game. They'll never suspect: robots.

The biggest advantage is that people will be so hooked from the eye-candy and life-like sound that they won't mind hoeing the ground in exchange for a monthly fee.

Tom Sawyer indeed.

-------------------------

I'm noticing that I am posting my work from other places on here. I just don't have the time to write independently, lately.

At least this is something to chew on!

I think I'm getting the Hang of this

Things are getting better at UCSD.

I'm learning that passing a course and learning are two very different things.

well well well

Okay. I'm feeling a lot better lately. In fact, I feel so good, I feel almost bad.

I dropped the chemistry course. That silly course made me feel like I was taking 20 credits instead of 12. Though I feel the pressure has been taken off of me, I wonder what I'm going to do about staying in UC San Diego. They require 36 units a year to stay in, and I may not be able to do 16 units at a time (though I might just pick up a junker course for an easy extra 4 credits).

Furthermore, this does not resolve my concern about how I'm not really learning anything in class. I'm thinking that SDSU is a better fit, but we'll see!

Oh, and I'm not worried about losing half my financial aid this quarter from dropping out of the course. I just don't care about anything anymore.

Today, I got to run (during chemistry meeting) the 2k event. Tonight, I could've seen "hot hot fire" at the RIMAC (but I'm not interested in large-scale garage rock music). And tomorrow, I'm going to see Anoushka Shankar play at the Mandeville Auditorium... I think I'm going to listen to the recitals that happen every other day at the auditorium. This should be cool.

Maybe I don't need to attend UCSD to enjoy its benefits. A degree is a degree, after all.

vitamin vending machine

Ok. So I was getting up today, took a shower, starting eating my daily plain-yogurt regimen (I've learned to love it). Out comes my roommate. Obviously, he had been up too late because he was breathing heavy, had tired rings around the eyes, wasn't really focusing, etc. etc. He was in a hurry to get to the bus on time (I beat the bus to school by riding my bicycle, btw)

I chatted with him a bit, and almost offered a B vitamin to him to get his strength up. But, considering his state, he just ran off, and I said nothing. I thought about this as I downed some vitamins and got my bike ready to take off for school.

And then I thought: everyone should take vitamins, right? Vitamins can do wonderful things for the fatigued, the cranky, so on and so forth. College students especially need them, for they're liable to neglect their bodies.

And then I thought about opening a small vitamin stand where people could get vitamins dispensed to them at .25 a pop.

and then I took it a step further and thought that it would be greater still to just have little vending machines, like those candy machines, dispense the vitamin. Then, one only needs to fill it back up every day/week/whatever, keeping costs down. Furthermore, just put aggressive signs on the machines explaining the vitamin's power/"YOU WILL BUY THIS PILL"/etc. to market (aka confuse and annoy) the passersby.

So simple. So cheap. So profitable.


Why on earth do I think like a businessman? I despised business for ever...

Rough draft of some law I made up

I was talking to my Aunt last night, and she noticed an instance of a law (rule) that I created in my head two years ago. I haven't worked out the kinks in it, but it's pretty good as-is, and so I probably won't do anything more with it.


Inverse quality law: the amount one gets out of something increases inverse proportionally to the amount one puts in. For example, the faster an object is going, the harder it is to make the object go even faster (you need much more energy to increase an extra Km/hr at high speeds, but not much at low speed). Another example: the more one pays for a service, the less one gets out of it (think of how the higher in rank a manager is, the less work/stress they generally have. The grunt who gets paid least works the hardest). A third example (and I do say, I *have* to stop thinking this way about school...) The more money spent on a school, in the long scheme, the less significant advantage the school has compared to others (a degree is a degree. But the extras that make a school cost more cost a lot and yield little).

Take a look around. It's easy to be paid more for less.

Battle Rhythm

Normally I don’t have time to blog, but today I keep watching movies in class (I don’t understand why). One of these movies, in my “Making of the Modern World” class, is about “Nanook of the North”. I took an early cinema class, and I know that this entire movie is staged (as well as I’ve already seen it). Thus, I’m not interested in watching it. Thus, I can blog on mi laptop!

Anyway, I’m doing much better this week than I was last semester. What I’m noticing is that having severe troubles mirrors the stages of grief: all the reactions are set in a certain sort of way. Maybe there’s some article out there on the stages of stress coping… probably, but I’ve never heard of it.

Anyway, what ultimately happened is that I let go of UCSD. I don’t care whether I pass or fail anymore. I’m going to try to pass, but I’m not going to feel bad if I don’t. I feel that I have succeeded in getting admitted into the system; getting my butt down here by myself; moving said butt into a rich district; finding a sustainable, even prosperous, job; getting into college despite not having any financial aid (and then later getting the financial aid); and managing it all together.

I made it BY MYSELF. And it took serious effort on my part.

What I’m noticing is that the University is not as serious as I am about these things. I think it’s ridiculous that the University is charging me $2300 a quarter so that I can have incompetent Teacher Assistants, shallower studies of subjects compared to community colleges (because a quarter just isn’t enough time), and a similar quality resources compared to a community college.

I don’t mean to sound so negative lately. It’s just that I’m sorely disappointed by the quality of education here. I see so much good stuff go to waste. I mean, I know I didn’t come here for the education (I came here to meet people). But, I thought that maybe I would get a little bit of instruction along the way. I worry that I’m paying all of this money to learn nothing. I think the crux of the matter is the rote memorization required here. Meaningless facts. Data. Blah.

But then again, I’m told by several people (one of which is Paul Chamberlain, master of studies) that you forget everything after a while of not being in college. I won’t worry too much, then.

Anyway, things are getting better. In my chemistry class, I noticed that I’m not the only person stressed out and fed up with the class. My entire class of 700 was in such an uproar last meeting (after we were assigned twice as much to memorize as last week), we barely got through anything. Every time the teacher would talk, the class would drown her out. When she stopped speaking, the class would silence. But, when she’d start up again, so would the class!

Furthermore, people were shouting at the teacher. I’m a bit worried about my class meeting today, because this teacher, graduate of BYU, has a fieriness to her when her boundaries are overstepped.

Anyway, I’m thinking of changing my major to communication. I’m discovering that maybe I don’t really care about science after all (not to the degree of retarded seriousness, at least).

I recall a story from my math teacher at CR, about the power of language. During one of his high-level chemistry classes, he, the current CR chem. Teacher, and an English major had to work on a term project and to present the project to the class. The English major made a deal that he would present the project to the class if the chemistry teacher and math teacher did all the other work. They agreed, and the English major did an outstanding performance, getting the group an A.

Well, as it turns out, the math teacher, chem. Teacher, and English major, graduated. The chem. And math teachers (appropriately) got jobs as teachers, while the English graduate got employed at a bioengineering firm as the manager of an entire division.

The English graduate has only a bachelor’s in English. He commands over 200 Ph.D.’s. Furthermore, he makes more than any of the Ph.D.’s. And it’s only because of communication.

When I went into CR, I quickly decided to master language. It is a language school. That’s their strongest point. I decided to change my major because of this school’s strengths, but I’m always studying language and communication in my spare time. I think it’s obvious why I want to major in communication now.

I have to go. Class is over!

Oh, and I was thinking of vitamin vending machines as a lucrative business

Things are getting better. Gotta go!!~

Personal Hell

Hmm...

I'm so tired right now. I've been getting headaches every day. Today took so long and was so painful (despite having a pizza/pie party at work) that I had to engineer ways to distract and calm my mind so I didn't feel pain.

Things are getting better though. I did surprisingly perfect on my chemistry test and I intend to get my much-needed sleep tonight (though I should be studying. Bleh.). Moreover, everything is evening out.

But there's always going to be a level of hard work that I will have to do. And there's things that I just can't have.

For example, A few nights ago, I started hearing rain outside of the house. I love hearing rain, especially after sleeping in the little shack. When I hear it, I have a bigger awareness of nature and my environment.

Unfortunately, I live in the desert. That noise turned out to be a slow-moving car. I was disappointed to be reminded of the fact that the only rain I may hear has to come from sprinklers.

As I was riding home tonight (against heavy traffic that might smoosh me), I started thinking about when I lived at my girlfriend's house. I didn't pay rent, nor was I expected to -- she wanted me to manage her money. I got driven around. I made sweet love with her all the time. She made me food and was totally interested in everything that I am. All the amenities I could want were there, too. It was heaven.

But I chose Hell. I decided to leave her when I didn't even really want to go, to live down in San Diego. Smog. Capitalism. Noise. Power. That's what chose to move into. And I knew it. The deck has always been stacked against me down here. I've literally had to carve my own hole-to-call-home out of this hunk of rock with my bare hands just to not get swept away.

Why did I choose Hell over Heaven? I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I don't want to be Hedonistic. Maybe because my worst problem is not improving myself (I can tell you one thing. I KNOW I'm tough enough. I can shave with smooth rocks!(only girls use sharp rocks)) Maybe I wanted a challenge (everyone is immensely proud of me). Maybe it was because I had this entire plan set into motion long ago, back in November. The application to the UC alone was hard to get through. Didn't even know what I was getting into. I just wanted to show Meghannraye who's what...

In any case, I'm fighting a fight down here. Slowly but surely, I'm gaining ground. Now I just need to get myself together, to rally my mind, body, heart, and spirit, for one last charge and I'll be at the top of this here rock. Otherwise, I might slip. I've come too far to slip now. It all starts with getting those Z's.

I don't want to do this anymore. But I'm gonna keep doing it. Sad thing is, I know I'll do this to myself again someday.

I think Hell is a healthier place to be in than heaven (Not Hell in the religious sense, but Hell in the worldly sense). It takes sacrifice of the self to attain higher states.

I think I need to go to bed now. And I need to quit getting tangled up in meaningless retrospectives (which I only get when I'm tired). Good night!

Dreams

What's crazy now is that I'm posting again, when I didn't even have time to post the first message!

I just wanted to write down my dreams for a moment.

By the end of the school year, I want to:

*get lean again
*invest in stocks (I forgot to add that I'm helping my father retire through investments. He says he needs to start saving for retirement. It's about time! However, I'm glad that he didn't invest in a company pension)
*get through a year of UCSD with really good grades (shooting for A's)
*work regularly at Scripps as a part-time student
*meet lots of cool people
*join a few clubs
*own a vehicle of some sort
*be more entrenched, set up in San Diego
*regularly spend time thinking about religion, and awareness
*Eat well

By the end of 5 years:

*Graduate UCSD
*Have lots of friends down here
*Be ready to travel everywhere, anywhere
*Be "Buff" (or at least cut)
*have lots of different internship/job experiences (break through the barriers of low level employment, which is already happening now, but instead of in just one field, be able to go in higher levels in many fields)
*Eat well
*Do really well in stock investment: not have to work ever again? (the secret is good research)
*be active in the community
*not live in a living room :-)


Things to do at the right times:

*Get rich
*Be popular,
*be a leader
*Be a teacher
*publish a book
*go on a motorcycle trip with Evan and Jeremiah
-- visit a certain set of places
-- rebuild and strengthen kindredship
-- have fun
-- write
-- other

*buy a somewhat large boat and go on a boating trip with (at least) Paul
-- work out like crazy
-- fish
-- have no internet, but a computer to do writing
-- fun
-- visit ports around the world

*learn electronic music production, and spend time doing it
*art
*science
*change the world for the better in a big way
*have a family someday in the far future
*always be active
*be a culinary master

more to come later

Punishing Pistons!

Jepus!I can't believe I'm updating right now. Somehow, I've been thinking about this blog, and am posting -- despite not even having enough time in a day to do the minimum required amount of work at school.

Because of the lack of time, what follows is going to be just a stream of my thoughts. I don't have time to error correct, so if this all comes out right that's cool, if not, I told you so!

I've been working at Scripps Hospital in La Jolla. Very beautiful place. I get pampered a lot. We have 1, 2, sometimes 3 parties every week, free good food most of the time, Great pay ($13/hr!), cheap medical insurance benefits, $1000 tuition reimbursement/yr, easy work, and a family-sort of relationship down in the Health Information (medical record) department. It's a nice job to have, and is definitely a good place to advance -- if I were interested in records management.

As it stands, I hate records management in the career sense. I think I may have to find another job at some point just because I want to transcend this sort of work. I'm young, I should diversify around low-ish paying jobs.

However, it's really, really cool that I have this job in the meantime. I know i've made it now! So, I'll be staying a while, maybe even get the credentials for this sort of work as a backup.

The types of things I do are very easy to describe. The easiest thing I do is this: take your left hand, and make it straight, like it was lying on a table. Now, bend and straighten your middle finger. That's one of the tasks I do (and the only task, if I wanted). What I really do is move paper stacks to check for consistency -- very easy.

Most of the time, though, I am cataloguing, and adding/removing volumes from the shelves of medical records. I am basically a librarian. I check records in, I "purge" them to the big long-term warehouse, I process them, and I append new information inside of old. It's easy.

The only drawback to this job is the 30 minute bicycle ride to work. Still a huge leg up from my mad river hospital commute, which was an hour and 10 minutes each way (and I think it's not as hilly, either. Still hot, though).

But the bike ride isn't so bad. I get my exercise, and my trip goes straight through UCSD -- I get to see all the awesome buildings at sunrise. I also get to stop and study along the way.

So, work is awesome. (Oh, and my boss gives me days off IMMEDIATELY. I don't have to wait next week or whatever. How cool is that? I think this is all part of the "great place to work" campaign the hospital has. They want to be listed on the fortune 500 as one of the top 100 places to work for in the nation. They have that award in many other demographics, such as working mother and AARP magazine.)

Now, school.

I am so frustrated with this school. Every step of the way has been sheer pain! From the moment of applying to today, it has been one nasty struggle. I don't know if I should just give up on the place (is this a sign of some sort not to go here?), or if it's all a lesson to make me a better person, or what. But what I do know is that I'm thoroughly irritated by the school. Nobody helps me out. People are very stern here. The work is so hard, yet the teachers don't bother to thoroughly explain the material. I feel like I'm teaching myself, and don't need the class!

I forgot to say that I'm working full time and going to school full time. Not enough time to do anything (maybe I already mentioned this?!??)


It was so hard to get into this school. It was so hard getting down here, conserving money, eating ramen to make it to payment, attending the MANDATORY yet useless meetings (though I give credit that all universities have this requirement in some way or another...), not getting help with my financial aid, being misled on class registration and then receiving no help, being turned away for career/job aid on campus, being denied access to counselors and those in power to help...

What irks me the most, though, is how I see so much activity on campus but I can't participate in it! This campus is supposed to help me link up to people who can help me in life, and I feel like those extra-curricular activities that I cannot do are just there to mock me. I want to volunteer. I want to meet others. I want to have friends, to have fun! But, I have to work.

Well, I got my scholarship and Federal Financial aid (as of a few days ago): it's a total of about $26,000. Teamed with this well-paying job, mark my words, I'm gonna claw my way through this Fizbucking school. I'm gonna take internships, network with teachers, and turn this ridiculously hard place into my tool.

I just gotta get used to the whole "learn on your own" shit that this school has. I feel gypped educationally, so I'll salvate with socialization.

But first, I gotta go brush up on my physics and calculus for this entry-level chemistry class. Got a test tomorrow. The TA is incompetent, won't speak at all, folds arms and tenses muscles in a shy manner. It's all up to me.

Memorize and regurgitate indeed. Maybe I shouldn't take human biology or any other science course (although it also pays well, I'm mainly taking human biology because I'm interested in my own body and the school is "strong" in it)

I need to sleep. I've been getting sick. I'm kicking down my work schedule to 32 hours/week so I can at least finish memorizing planck's constant, epsilon-zero, and h-bar, among others (wished the course had listed physics as a prerequisite!). I guess I'm supposed to meet two girls tomorrow in some sort of "blind date". I'm sure they'll both be disappointed to find out that I'm already taken. The more friends, the better. I wish I could make some guy friends (who aren't partying idiots) for a change.

Fuck.

One thing I can count on about my bad feelings, which I always look forward to, is that I'm not always going to feel that way. I won't be sad/angry/scared forever. Why not feel better sooner, rather than later?