Personal Hell

Hmm...

I'm so tired right now. I've been getting headaches every day. Today took so long and was so painful (despite having a pizza/pie party at work) that I had to engineer ways to distract and calm my mind so I didn't feel pain.

Things are getting better though. I did surprisingly perfect on my chemistry test and I intend to get my much-needed sleep tonight (though I should be studying. Bleh.). Moreover, everything is evening out.

But there's always going to be a level of hard work that I will have to do. And there's things that I just can't have.

For example, A few nights ago, I started hearing rain outside of the house. I love hearing rain, especially after sleeping in the little shack. When I hear it, I have a bigger awareness of nature and my environment.

Unfortunately, I live in the desert. That noise turned out to be a slow-moving car. I was disappointed to be reminded of the fact that the only rain I may hear has to come from sprinklers.

As I was riding home tonight (against heavy traffic that might smoosh me), I started thinking about when I lived at my girlfriend's house. I didn't pay rent, nor was I expected to -- she wanted me to manage her money. I got driven around. I made sweet love with her all the time. She made me food and was totally interested in everything that I am. All the amenities I could want were there, too. It was heaven.

But I chose Hell. I decided to leave her when I didn't even really want to go, to live down in San Diego. Smog. Capitalism. Noise. Power. That's what chose to move into. And I knew it. The deck has always been stacked against me down here. I've literally had to carve my own hole-to-call-home out of this hunk of rock with my bare hands just to not get swept away.

Why did I choose Hell over Heaven? I'm not sure. Maybe it was because I don't want to be Hedonistic. Maybe because my worst problem is not improving myself (I can tell you one thing. I KNOW I'm tough enough. I can shave with smooth rocks!(only girls use sharp rocks)) Maybe I wanted a challenge (everyone is immensely proud of me). Maybe it was because I had this entire plan set into motion long ago, back in November. The application to the UC alone was hard to get through. Didn't even know what I was getting into. I just wanted to show Meghannraye who's what...

In any case, I'm fighting a fight down here. Slowly but surely, I'm gaining ground. Now I just need to get myself together, to rally my mind, body, heart, and spirit, for one last charge and I'll be at the top of this here rock. Otherwise, I might slip. I've come too far to slip now. It all starts with getting those Z's.

I don't want to do this anymore. But I'm gonna keep doing it. Sad thing is, I know I'll do this to myself again someday.

I think Hell is a healthier place to be in than heaven (Not Hell in the religious sense, but Hell in the worldly sense). It takes sacrifice of the self to attain higher states.

I think I need to go to bed now. And I need to quit getting tangled up in meaningless retrospectives (which I only get when I'm tired). Good night!