Okay. I just got back from my calculus test, in which I believe i didn't do too well.
And I feel like explaining myself.
First off, this test didn't deal with very difficult concepts (not compared to other calculus topics, at least) but, that trixy teacher tested me on things I didn't spend much time studying on, and I think I'm gonna pay for it.
First off, I spent waaayyy too much time dealing with what were probably not the best numbers to estimate Newton's method of finding the root of a function. I had to estimate to 9 decimal places, and the calculator just kept getting closer and closer to that magic number, but it $&#$* wouldn't get to the exact number! So, I didn't have that much time to deal with it.
Second, spring break has bitten me in the butt (just like every year) and I just haven't been feeling like doing calculus (especially because I don't need the class. That kills the motivation)
But, after this test, I have realized a process that I go through. I have gone through this process many times before, but I forget it each time.
Not this time!
When I have a workable schedule, and I keep going with it, somehow I feel like if i start slacking or diverting my attention somewhere else, the neglect is going to be negligible. I somehow mistakenly believe that whatever my responsibility is can take care of itself in some way. I'm wrong.
What I forget is that when I am negligent of what I'm supposed to be doing, I'm not only not helping it, i'm hurting it. I'm screwing the process up. I'm ruining the machine. I might as well start hitting it with a hammer!
It's frustrating, because I forget this every time. If I only maintained it and didn't get bored with it being such a routine, I wouldn't suffer. This is a lesson to be learned.
At least I feel like my butt is whooped now, so I'm going to try harder (I think reality just napalmed the tropical paradise that I labeled, "spring fever". What a bastard. Must it be in cahoots with the military?)
But, in a sense, this is all a good thing. It makes me feel like what I'm doing is important again. It has meaning. That creates motivation, and when I complete whatever it is I'm doing when i'm motivated, I am happy. This in turn creates positivity, and feeds into an upward spiral.
Okay. I need to go edit my last really big story (which is going to be printed in a book)
bai bai!
Monday, April 25
Tuesday, April 5
bouwn chicka bouwn bouwn!
Ok. After not logging on here for almost a month (and thinking about it occasionally) I have decided to devote a little bit of time to blogging (at the expense of my schooling. It'll live). I'm doing this at school once more.
I swear, I live at this school.
It's not so bad, though. It keeps me from blowing my money, which is good, because I won't be able to keep the stuff that I got for very long when I go take my big traveling adventure.
I've found that my most favorite stuff was free. (not that it is free -- but because of me recording streams off the internet (legally), getting gov't subsidized education, etc. makes it free)
I bought all the computer parts to assemble a computer about a month and a half ago -- just to play music. I don't have time for games.
At the time of purchase, I wanted it for all the power. But, what i've discovered is that I basically spent all my money so that I could waste precious amounts of my time to fix the machine up. The machine is not working for me. I am working for it. Sure, the reward that I get out of it -- music and the ability to check my news (which I also think is a waste of time, since I check it so much... I'm making a goal to not check the news anymore... but that's another story) keep me motivated, more willing to work throughout the day, but this ain't worth it.
I need to remind myself before I purchase new technology that the pains of getting new technology to work, even if it's just an update of the technology, need to make me think twice. I want to work towards waiting until a product is standardized and fully supported before i purchase.
But I suppose the pains of getting it all to work is what creates a bond. I get to intimitaly know my machine's quirks -- what works, what doesn't, and so forth. I spend quality time with the machine, and by god, I'm compassionate to it.
And, the more time I spend with that machine, the less I'm willing to give up working with it. I don't want to waste all that time I invested in it!
I dunno. I mean, I love technology and everything, but I am a constant worry wart about my precious time on this Earth. It's kind of like the "You have one week to live" scenario that you'd find in some movie, only extrapolated over a longer time period. I want to extract quality out of my time. It's important to me to have that.
I suppose it's kind of okay to be spending time with the computer, because that's something I enjoy doing. I am "sort of" learning when I'm on it, though I'm not learning any radically new topics, such as knowing exactly how the computer is executing code. I'm just learning the specific details of a subject I already knew proficiently.
I feel like that's somewhat of a waste in time, yes?
Anyway, I try not to worry about time too much. I don't want to be an obsessed time management person.
It reminds me of something someone once told me, about a professor in a business class who, on the first day of class, put a jar on a table, full of rocks. He asked the class, "Is this jar full?" The class pretty much responded with a yes. So, the professor took out a cup full of pebbles and put those in the jar. Again, he asked the class if it was full. This time, the class was divided. So, the professor took out a cup full of sand and dumped it in the jar.
How does this tie in to time management? You can manage time, down to the finest detail. But, what does it cost to manage the little bits of sand? Obviously, there's lots of sand bits to deal with that occupy very little amounts of space. It would take a lot of time to manage those pieces of sand.
On the other hand, the rocks get consume roughly all of the space, while being few in number. They're just the big points in a segment of time.
I would rather complete the main points in a segment of time, and call it a good days' work than any other way. So what do I do?
I take the 5 most important things that I need to do on a day, and do them first. Everything after that doesn't really matter. That's good time management to me.
My one caveat is wasting time. I have a hard time with that. Time is the one resource that I just can't renew no matter how hard I try. So, if I'm gonna spend it, I want to spend it right.
And therein lies my flaw.
The solution? I just need to learn to let go with grace. I mean, i let go of millions things, right? Time, money, pizza, furniture, people, even ourselves. It's a pretty important concept to learn, accept and utilize.
Some things are easy to let go. Others not so much. How difficult it is to let go is usually determined by how much I think it's worth to me.
Of course, there's exceptions, such as when someone you love is gone. You may be rationally able to let go, but something deep down inside won't let you. That's hard...
Anyway, I must go to class soon, and so, before I leave, I'd like to mention what I'm currently up to (I know that I was going to recount what has happened since the blog of Oct. 31, but I've decided to postpone that until I feel like writing about it until I truly feel like doing it, if ever. I only worry that the memories of that time period will fade off to the wayside. I want to make sure I record what I have done to remind myself in the future)
A lot of things happened recently. In a sense, it's the dawn of a new era (seems to happen in the spring. Probably because I get on the upswing of things in spring, which, by the way, I discovered happens every springtime (and as a sidenote, I found out that I have some sort of seasonal depression problem going on. I haven't really thought about how to deal with it, but I don't want to use drugs)). First off, I told Meghannraye how I felt about her and her drug usage. She got very upset, which is to be expected, and I'm sure she felt like I was way too harsh on her because I sent her into tears. I thought she was never going to call me again, but she has done so since.
That made me feel better, although I wonder as to what extent our relationship is damaged. Probably still thriving, I hope, although I'm starting to get bored with hanging out with her. We keep going for walks or eating somewhere, etc. and I want a change. I want to grow with people. Maybe I just need a break from her for a while. We'll see what becomes of it. I am going to talk to her about it. (expect more crying, but I'm also going to tell her some things that will really strengthen everything)
As I think I mentioned before, Evan's gone. He went into the military about a month ago, and I haven't heard from him since, other than his exgirlfriend talked to him, and was only able to get his mailing address (she said that she kept hearing someone in the background calling him to get back in line, and he kept stalling.) we don't know if the mailing address is correct, because there was electrical noise on the phone line, and the address was really, really long.
Evan was my best friend. He's practically my brother. I could never tire of that guy, even when we fought. He helped me to realize things, such as learning about boundaries that I have for myself and that others have.
I have a problem of being picky on selecting ideas for talking about. Moreover, to a certain extent, I have problems conforming to an unwritten code of what is okay to do and what is not okay. I'm not as bad as Evan was. We were both growing, though, and getting better at breaking those boundaries and being who we wanted to be, not what others wanted us to be.
I can say with complete honesty that I'm a completely different person from who i was a year ago. I spend more time working towards what I want. I do what's important to me. I'm happier than ever before.
Anyway, as Evan faded from view (I miss you, buddy!) the metrosexual has been focusing in.
The week after Evan left, I started attending meetings to set up a radio station in the area (the blue ox radio station (or, they prefer to call it, "the humboldt bay youth radio station", or KKDS)) Erin has been there, and we've been having a good time launching the thing. We're now part of a core group of 10 people, and plan on being on the air come this August at 97.7FM .
So, we've been hanging out more often then not (and slightly to the detriment of my homework. But, whatever. I seem to be getting A's still, though I'm not sure how, since I feel like I'm cheating.), and that's been good.
Speaking of school, I'm doing well in every class save creative writing, and it's not that the creative writing assignments got harder, it's that I've made the class harder for me. I mean, technically I just need to turn in 4 pages of stuff that I have written each week to get credit -- it doesn't truly matter what I turn in, but the story ideas, plot, and character workings are getting so technical that it's drawing a lot of time. The pages are being churned out, but the stories aren't getting completed on time. And that's not good. I just wish I had enough time to finish these stories.
Moreover, I get discouraged when I'm failing. Lately, i've been having a harder time perservering at the face of adversity. If I do poorly on a test, i'm not motivated to try harder, but the opposite. That's not good! So, when i don't turn in these assignments, I don't want to keep writing. I'm not getting credit for what I do.
So, I try to avoid writing, even when I set myself down and tell myself to do it.
I've got to break this mold. I don't know how, really, and I don't want to dumb down my stories, because I'm at a breakthrough point in understanding how to tell stories really well, and I don't want to kill that. In fact, I don't think I will be able to ever go back to my former way of thinking ever again. But, I've got to do something.
Perhaps it's that it takes a long time to write down what I want because i'm so selective on my ideas to put down. Like I said before, I spend a lot of time discriminating ideas in my head, thinking "Nope, that's not gonna work" or "That's not good enough", etc. It's like a drill sergeant trying to keep my thoughts in order with brute force, and it's rough on me.
Perhaps, if i consistently told the drill sergeant, "Good job. Here, you've worked hard enough, go to take five!" I might get something done, yes?
I swear, I live at this school.
It's not so bad, though. It keeps me from blowing my money, which is good, because I won't be able to keep the stuff that I got for very long when I go take my big traveling adventure.
I've found that my most favorite stuff was free. (not that it is free -- but because of me recording streams off the internet (legally), getting gov't subsidized education, etc. makes it free)
I bought all the computer parts to assemble a computer about a month and a half ago -- just to play music. I don't have time for games.
At the time of purchase, I wanted it for all the power. But, what i've discovered is that I basically spent all my money so that I could waste precious amounts of my time to fix the machine up. The machine is not working for me. I am working for it. Sure, the reward that I get out of it -- music and the ability to check my news (which I also think is a waste of time, since I check it so much... I'm making a goal to not check the news anymore... but that's another story) keep me motivated, more willing to work throughout the day, but this ain't worth it.
I need to remind myself before I purchase new technology that the pains of getting new technology to work, even if it's just an update of the technology, need to make me think twice. I want to work towards waiting until a product is standardized and fully supported before i purchase.
But I suppose the pains of getting it all to work is what creates a bond. I get to intimitaly know my machine's quirks -- what works, what doesn't, and so forth. I spend quality time with the machine, and by god, I'm compassionate to it.
And, the more time I spend with that machine, the less I'm willing to give up working with it. I don't want to waste all that time I invested in it!
I dunno. I mean, I love technology and everything, but I am a constant worry wart about my precious time on this Earth. It's kind of like the "You have one week to live" scenario that you'd find in some movie, only extrapolated over a longer time period. I want to extract quality out of my time. It's important to me to have that.
I suppose it's kind of okay to be spending time with the computer, because that's something I enjoy doing. I am "sort of" learning when I'm on it, though I'm not learning any radically new topics, such as knowing exactly how the computer is executing code. I'm just learning the specific details of a subject I already knew proficiently.
I feel like that's somewhat of a waste in time, yes?
Anyway, I try not to worry about time too much. I don't want to be an obsessed time management person.
It reminds me of something someone once told me, about a professor in a business class who, on the first day of class, put a jar on a table, full of rocks. He asked the class, "Is this jar full?" The class pretty much responded with a yes. So, the professor took out a cup full of pebbles and put those in the jar. Again, he asked the class if it was full. This time, the class was divided. So, the professor took out a cup full of sand and dumped it in the jar.
How does this tie in to time management? You can manage time, down to the finest detail. But, what does it cost to manage the little bits of sand? Obviously, there's lots of sand bits to deal with that occupy very little amounts of space. It would take a lot of time to manage those pieces of sand.
On the other hand, the rocks get consume roughly all of the space, while being few in number. They're just the big points in a segment of time.
I would rather complete the main points in a segment of time, and call it a good days' work than any other way. So what do I do?
I take the 5 most important things that I need to do on a day, and do them first. Everything after that doesn't really matter. That's good time management to me.
My one caveat is wasting time. I have a hard time with that. Time is the one resource that I just can't renew no matter how hard I try. So, if I'm gonna spend it, I want to spend it right.
And therein lies my flaw.
The solution? I just need to learn to let go with grace. I mean, i let go of millions things, right? Time, money, pizza, furniture, people, even ourselves. It's a pretty important concept to learn, accept and utilize.
Some things are easy to let go. Others not so much. How difficult it is to let go is usually determined by how much I think it's worth to me.
Of course, there's exceptions, such as when someone you love is gone. You may be rationally able to let go, but something deep down inside won't let you. That's hard...
Anyway, I must go to class soon, and so, before I leave, I'd like to mention what I'm currently up to (I know that I was going to recount what has happened since the blog of Oct. 31, but I've decided to postpone that until I feel like writing about it until I truly feel like doing it, if ever. I only worry that the memories of that time period will fade off to the wayside. I want to make sure I record what I have done to remind myself in the future)
A lot of things happened recently. In a sense, it's the dawn of a new era (seems to happen in the spring. Probably because I get on the upswing of things in spring, which, by the way, I discovered happens every springtime (and as a sidenote, I found out that I have some sort of seasonal depression problem going on. I haven't really thought about how to deal with it, but I don't want to use drugs)). First off, I told Meghannraye how I felt about her and her drug usage. She got very upset, which is to be expected, and I'm sure she felt like I was way too harsh on her because I sent her into tears. I thought she was never going to call me again, but she has done so since.
That made me feel better, although I wonder as to what extent our relationship is damaged. Probably still thriving, I hope, although I'm starting to get bored with hanging out with her. We keep going for walks or eating somewhere, etc. and I want a change. I want to grow with people. Maybe I just need a break from her for a while. We'll see what becomes of it. I am going to talk to her about it. (expect more crying, but I'm also going to tell her some things that will really strengthen everything)
As I think I mentioned before, Evan's gone. He went into the military about a month ago, and I haven't heard from him since, other than his exgirlfriend talked to him, and was only able to get his mailing address (she said that she kept hearing someone in the background calling him to get back in line, and he kept stalling.) we don't know if the mailing address is correct, because there was electrical noise on the phone line, and the address was really, really long.
Evan was my best friend. He's practically my brother. I could never tire of that guy, even when we fought. He helped me to realize things, such as learning about boundaries that I have for myself and that others have.
I have a problem of being picky on selecting ideas for talking about. Moreover, to a certain extent, I have problems conforming to an unwritten code of what is okay to do and what is not okay. I'm not as bad as Evan was. We were both growing, though, and getting better at breaking those boundaries and being who we wanted to be, not what others wanted us to be.
I can say with complete honesty that I'm a completely different person from who i was a year ago. I spend more time working towards what I want. I do what's important to me. I'm happier than ever before.
Anyway, as Evan faded from view (I miss you, buddy!) the metrosexual has been focusing in.
The week after Evan left, I started attending meetings to set up a radio station in the area (the blue ox radio station (or, they prefer to call it, "the humboldt bay youth radio station", or KKDS)) Erin has been there, and we've been having a good time launching the thing. We're now part of a core group of 10 people, and plan on being on the air come this August at 97.7FM .
So, we've been hanging out more often then not (and slightly to the detriment of my homework. But, whatever. I seem to be getting A's still, though I'm not sure how, since I feel like I'm cheating.), and that's been good.
Speaking of school, I'm doing well in every class save creative writing, and it's not that the creative writing assignments got harder, it's that I've made the class harder for me. I mean, technically I just need to turn in 4 pages of stuff that I have written each week to get credit -- it doesn't truly matter what I turn in, but the story ideas, plot, and character workings are getting so technical that it's drawing a lot of time. The pages are being churned out, but the stories aren't getting completed on time. And that's not good. I just wish I had enough time to finish these stories.
Moreover, I get discouraged when I'm failing. Lately, i've been having a harder time perservering at the face of adversity. If I do poorly on a test, i'm not motivated to try harder, but the opposite. That's not good! So, when i don't turn in these assignments, I don't want to keep writing. I'm not getting credit for what I do.
So, I try to avoid writing, even when I set myself down and tell myself to do it.
I've got to break this mold. I don't know how, really, and I don't want to dumb down my stories, because I'm at a breakthrough point in understanding how to tell stories really well, and I don't want to kill that. In fact, I don't think I will be able to ever go back to my former way of thinking ever again. But, I've got to do something.
Perhaps it's that it takes a long time to write down what I want because i'm so selective on my ideas to put down. Like I said before, I spend a lot of time discriminating ideas in my head, thinking "Nope, that's not gonna work" or "That's not good enough", etc. It's like a drill sergeant trying to keep my thoughts in order with brute force, and it's rough on me.
Perhaps, if i consistently told the drill sergeant, "Good job. Here, you've worked hard enough, go to take five!" I might get something done, yes?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)