Today was like a crappy hangover from my four day party of fun.
I was just so tired, I couldn't help it. I was a grouch. Not a good attitude to have on the switchboard! (Though I was told that I was doing a good job)
I just didn't get anything planned to do today. Kind of caught with my pants down, so to speak. It was terribly boring.
Anyway, I have lost track of time. I cannot really remember what happened last week, save for Friday, when it seems my minds' recorder of history decided to come back from vacation.
Thus began the start of my four days of events.
The first day, I was planning on hanging out with Paul. Not really sure what we were going to do, though the future did not look promising when he kept wanting to put down flooring for his house. I would be game for doing something like that, but only if i'm learning it for the first time. I work 6 days a week typically, and spending my 1 day off installing floors does not seem like time well spent to me.
But!
When he got to my house, we decided upon making a pizza. Through his gracious generosity of footing the bill (I, admittedly, am too poor right now. I'm not worried or bothered about it: I'll see better days in the future) , this project was to be...
magnificient!
Ok. Maybe I'm getting full of myself. *pats knee, motioning children to sit on it* I shall tell story now.
We decided that it would be a wonderful day for me and Paul's *cough* girlfriend to meet (she insists they're not in a relationship like that. "I don't want to get attached to him before I go to college in a few weeks," she says. Whatever. It's too late. I know.) . We decided to meet at the grocery store. As luck would have it, the not-advertised McKinleyville Farmer's market was happening! So we got to eat good organic produce from the locality.
We didn't go for regular veggies to put on this pizza. No sir, we stuck by odd-named sorts of tomatoes and peppers and such; The type that tasted very good but costed a little bit more.
We went into SafeWay and bought the rest of the ingredients...
And then, we set out upon our glorious project of cooking mayhem. All natural, from-scratch components were set together to create this mechanically perfect machine. Its purpose: to feed the hungry.
We did a lot of cutting, rolling (improvised with a flower vase, since I didn't have a rolling pin. We were thinking about a wine bottle) , and mixing. Then, we Slammed the food into the oven and made string beans with feta and grape oil (I love oil). When the food came out, we arranged it with elements of beauty (such as sesame seeds. It made it look like a blizzard was happening on the blood red/orange/pink tomatoes) and set about enjoying the fruits (or meal) of our labour.
I had a vision of a new culture when we all sat down on the kitchen floor at 90 degree angles to eat. Why aren't there any restaurants that use the floor as seating?Maybe I enjoyed this heavily romantic idea because everyone was happy, sitting there and enjoying themselves without a table, and the light streaming through the blinds in a dazzling pretty display (we sure do get pretty weather sometimes)
Anyway, after eating, we talked for many many hours and then said our farewells.
The next day, I had to work, and could think of nothing but the LAN party that I had planned with Eric, Nick, and Ben. Back to my nerd roots.
And when work was over, I immediately drove over to Nick's house to pick him up. Me and Nick used to be participants of large LAN parties, and the nostalgia that I got after picking him up was just killing me.
When we got his computer, a backpack, and a chair in the car, we set out to the house... but
the nostalgia was too much. Traditional LAN parties call for soda pop. So, we stopped at the store and found, surprisingly, a whole bunch of soda on sale. We picked one 2 liter for each member of the party (minus Ben, who doesn't ever drink sugar water. Right on, Ben!) and joined the crew.
I won't bore you with the games we played. Needless to say, we had a lot of fun, and I drunk my entire 2-liter of mountain dew in an hour (I can drink a lot quickly) . Towards the end of the party (on my 18th hour of wakefulness) , I convinced Nick to relinquish his anime shooting games. I *love* spacecraft anime shoot-em-ups. I begged and whined... I wouldn't take him home until I had them!
Then, I drove Nick home and talked with him for a long time at his house, getting updates on my former gamer buddies of yore. Then I drove home and tried to sleep.
Tried to
I had drank too much Mountain Dew. I never drink soda pop. As I tossed around in bed, thinking with a mind that operated like an engine stuck in gear, I vowed to declare war on sugar, and to stop the caffeine intake (which may be why I'm so grouchy and tired today). What's worse about that night, I was stuck playing particular clips of songs in my head like a broken record. I couldn't get to the next part of the song... I was forever stuck hearing the same track repeat.
I tried not to think at all. It was hard, but I made it through, didn't I? Now, what did we learn about soda pop, kids?
crowd of bored children:Soda Pop is bad
Good.
So then, the next day was Sunday. Me being slightly groggy, I went to work again. There were a lot of births that morning (the first), and I had to register them all by my lonesome (that and fill out lab requisitions for patients that dropped in), Which I did.
As the day wore on, I got a call from some crazy Italian lady. Originally, she had charged me with calling home health for her, but decided to "sit down" (or so she said) and tell me her story about why she needed my help, without asking me if I had better things to do. Well, I did, but I supposed that it might be interesting to hear what she had to say while I did my work (albeit at a slower pace). So, I did. As I heard her stories, she got weirder and weirder. She kept telling me about her mental problems, how this therapy of looking at certain angles was helping her feel the best she had felt in years, how she was old enough to be my mother, yet had friends my age, how she wrote children's books and needed an illustrator (I can't really draw, but I said that I might have friends who could do the work. Anyone need some money?) and so forth. Then, she magically hung up, and that's the end of it (though she claimed earlier in the conversation that she would call me again on the weekend. *shudder*)
This all reminds me of Evan and the lady in upper Washington who, being 12 years older, was knitting him socks for christmas, and desperately wanted him to come visit her. He says that the lady was an inspiration in some ways (she had 2 jobs and was working to get away from her husband with 2 kids. Bah. Too much to say about this. I'll stop right there)
But anyway...
So, once work was off, I picked up a couple of people and took off for Japanese class. We did our usual studying, and when class was over, me and my friend Eric (not anapolsky the nerd) ran off to WinCo for food. We got munchies, talked to Evan (I don't know if he's still joining the military. He just found out that his friend (a big influence) got screwed over by the military, giving him the wrong training, and the military isn't compromising), and went back to Richard's to watch old movies.
Paul and his girlfriend were there.
I was planning on bike riding with Meghannraye the next day. But, I knew she needed to some sort of transport for the bed she wanted to buy. Paul has a truck. I just needed a way to get it from him (actually, I got an agreement to use it earlier on. But I got the agreement for Wednesday, not Sunday)
So, in a heroic, balsy feat of bravery, I started getting all macho right then and there. I started hitting my chest with my hands, saying "Bring it", when food was getting made by Koichiro. Paul knew what I meant.
I was challenging him to an eating contest.
The rules were so simple. Eat the most of selected dish, and win! That day's theme was spaghetti, prepared by Iron Chef Koichiro Mochimasu! (well, he's an Iron Chef in my heart, at least). We had Koichiro working hard, working fast, working strong! To create the dishes of doom. And create them he did.
I consumed 2 VERY LARGE plates of spaghetti. Paul had 3 plates of normal portions of spaghetti. Lots of bread was served, too.
But, as I neared the completion of my 2nd dish, I started having lots of pains in my stomach. I couldn't really continue, though I knew I must. I kept thinking of hernias *shudder*, and didn't want one over this. The stakes were high.
I knew I was getting gas from the spaghetti. So, I waited, slowed down my eating significantly, and then let it out (I couldn't contain it. It was reflexive, really. Quit giving me that look!) Paul was pleased. "You have restored honor to the Brower clan," he said. "You have much potential."
Yum.
So, I impressed him enough to loan me the truck. But I felt like I jeapordized it all with my pick of the movie. It stank.
The movie was undercurrent. I had heard good reviews on it, but man, what a chore to watch that thing! In the end, me and Paul were making bets, almost always nailing it on the nose! In the end, Paul correctly guessed the only twist in the movie -- that the horse was going to kill the bad guy -- before the plan to ride the horses even happened! That's how dull it was...
Anyway, everyone else left and I watched movies with Richard until close to midnight, when I was to meet Meghannraye. She took me to her place in her car.
And there I slept, after suffering terrible caffeine-caused time schedule problems, and 2 days of little rest. We woke up in the morning and ran off to CostCo to get the bed.
I discovered that my dad's membership had expired (my dad just can't be counted on with ANYTHING. Of course, this should already be known to me, since he's actively trying to drop me) so, with all these bills running me close to a deficit, I renewed my membership right then and there. Then, we got the bed.
Hehe. The bed fit, but only at an angle. Meghannraye proposed not using rope, saying that we'd be ok. I aggressively disagreed. She just wanted to get out of CostCo, and I knew it. She felt bothered at how we now had to find rope. I suggested that I guard the truck while she go to a store to get rope... but she had a better idea: ask CostCo!
They gave us a ton of rope to use, and we tied that sucker down TIGHT. Then, off we went. Me, driving this Isuzu P'up, with her right behind. I had trouble looking out the side view mirrors, and the back was full of bedding. The P'up is designed to have something tied to the sideview mirrors, so A string was there to guide me on the tension.
Off I went.
As I drove on the freeway, the string showed that it was slightly tensioned, and the beds looked fine, so I kept driving. I felt a little leary of it all, especially when people passing me from the side (I was doing under the speed limit) gave me looks. When we got to her place, Meghannraye said she was kind of distressed by what she saw from behind. The bed in the back was floating in the air from the speed, but, luckily, The rope had saved the day!
So, after swapping the beds, we both laid upon one of the most comfortable beds ever... I know I didn't want to get off of it! Now, as soon as I get the chance to test drive it (sleep, you fools!)...
Meghannraye had to leave for work (though she wanted to lay on the bed) so I had to go return Paul's truck. I told Paul I'd only go to CostCo, then to Meg's house, then to his, but I made a pit stop -- at the carwash.
I cleaned the dirty insides of the windows, vacuumed all the hair, everything. I was certain Paul would be pleased that he had a "sweet ride". (I stole that line from a guy who believed that washing his car would deflect police radar (the stealth bomber must be washed every day or something!) , and thought that putting car accessories like yosemite sam mud flaps and chain steering wheels on the car made it faster) , but when I got to Paul's house, he forced me to wear the "Jacket of Shame", for not doing exactly as I said I would do (was just a regular thrift shop jacket) . We walked around his town (west haven), talking, and then ate fruit from his trees and bushes (growing fruit from trees is such a good investment, if you think about it)
During the discussion, we talked about how Paul went to the casino on his 18th birthday and watched erin blow 10 bucks for nothing, with me chiming that I had never gambled.
The choice was clear:I had to go to the loser's palace (as I call it). Paul thought that, because I am close to the edge of my budget, that we shouldn't do it, but I decided to since I was only going to put in a max of $1.50, AND If I won, even once, that was it. Time to leave. with that agreement, we went.
We were checked for ID, but allowed to pass. Once in, I had Paul put a quarter in on one of the machines, which he lost. Then, it was my turn to lose. I stuck the coin in the betty boop slot machine.... and won 5 quarters!
With me giggling with glee over my new-found fortune, we left promptly.
Thus: I left the Loser's Palace Smelling Like A Winner!
We decided to Celebrate by eating in Trinidad (I love visiting the local restaurants there). We found a restaurant that did American and Mexican food, and was (surprisingly!) cheap. We ate, and then I went home.
I crashed on the couch from more exhaustion.
But, Paul and Ben woke me up! After a little bit of wakeup jerk action on my arms, we went weight lifting. To me, it was kind of disappointing. I didn't have a clear plan down, so I spent a lot of time wandering, and what's more, I discovered that some of my muscle groups have deteriorated since I last lifted 3 years ago (I was shocked to find myself losing in a struggle to get the barbell with two 25 lbs on both sides, up when I was doing bench presses) . It takes so much to maintain your strength...
I will have to train and do better. I'm better than this!
Then, we went to the scale, and I found that I lost a lot of weight again. I'm down to 153 pounds... -_-. Granted, I don't eat like I used to, and I'm hungry more often, but...
Well, anyway, we did some old school Arcata Pizza and Deli socializing (though we were missing a very important and indispensible ingredient to the mix -- Erin), and then I went home to crash.
Which leads to today, where I'm cranky from NO Caffeine, NO candy, and a diet that is very meager (not purposefully, of course, but i'm having trouble finding good dishes to make)
I had to fight my insurance company today. I hate my insurance company. Grr!!! They upped my rate, so I had to go moan and complain... which I did. Surprisingly, I won the argument. I thought that they had adjusted my rates because the contract was changing, but no... I won!
Anyway, I'm tired so much of the time... I get up at 5:30, but i'm a night owl... here's to another repetition of work!
Oh, I missed you...
D.
Friday, July 30
Wednesday, July 28
An Ocean of Dreamery... er, Scenery
I have had two awesome dreams. One last night and the other when I crashed on my couch (I love crashing on my couch). Consistently, I have awesome dreams. They always keep me going, making me wake up happy, even when the days are turning crummy. Lately they have ended in a strange complex puzzle, though the last two were not.
I had some vivid dreams of playing hide and go seek with a whole bunch of people, and my cat was "it". The theme was a lush seasonal-tropical world, with lots of hills and mountains. I remember running and running, though the child's voice that was counting to 20 did not grow distant, like it should, with each step. I ran up some pretty thick jungle, then heard "20!" and kept going. Then, I saw everything from my cat's perspective... only in the 3rd person. My cat charged after my direction with ease, found me, and ran up. I turned around like I was being attacked like a monster, throwing my arm in the way to deflect the blow. My cat didn't claw me, but sort of hugged me (like it does to my leg in real life), though I knew i was caught.
Later, with stunningly colorful scenery (intense!), I drove all over the place looking for a place to live. I quickly went over the deserts of Utah, through Nevada, through the dense industrial area of Los Angeles, up the lush areas to the North, before settling on an apartment by the freeway with a beautiful island off in the distance... had a feeling of Hawaii, but not so packed. My dad met me there, with this huge aparment (more like a house, but it was an apartment) and... I remember the MASSIVE window with a curtain blowing because of wind that I couldn't feel. You could see the dazzling (and still intensely colorful) ocean in the distance, and the Island... but there were few people around, and that highway... -sigh-
I woke up to my dad and sister finally arriving back from Utah. I got ready for work and left. Once there, I began work on drawing hands... It's starting to look pretty good, when I don't rush it. I also did some more studying of japanese. Quite a well spent work day... again!
Once I got off work, I ran over to Nicole's house to give notice that I wasn't off today, but tomorrow! I have big plans on my day off, and that's why I couldn't hang out with her today... until I found out I work today and not tomorrow (good thing I checked the schedule!)! So, I was ready for her barbecue.
Her house has tons of food, which is strange for a house with 4 college girls. I mean, college people should *lack* food, but they have 2 fridges plus food piling out of cabinets all over the place, brimming with food. High on the hog, no doubt!
Anyway, I notified them, but felt very tired. So I crashed on their couch (which was a lot like my Aunt's couch... a nice nostalgic moment there...) for a while, but got up to crash on my couch at home.
I had the second dream there.
Again, the colors were intense and beautiful. I dreamed I was on a plane, bound for a land that I wasn't sure of... until I jumped out of the plane onto Japan (the pilot said this was planned), with my parachute. Once there, I found lots of Japanese people, and rode a bike all over the place... To an old temple that had a few trees around it... though past the few trees there was nothing but field for long distances. The wind was harsh, though I didn't mind. It was beautiful. You could see the dark clouds coming in. I picked up a MASSIVE picture book of Japan (probably 1 meter by .5 meters in length), with each MASSIVE page having a picture of a place, and a MASSIVE kanji on the other MASSIVE page stating the place name... Even pages had 1 Kanji, odd pages had the picture... sometimes a picture would cover 2 pages, though. Anyway, after thumbing through it a bit and posing for Japanese people who were wowed by my existence, the storm was getting intense around the area. The ocean was far off, but in that intense color that pervaded everything, I could see that the water was very choppy, so I ran off to the temple place (it seemed more like a house than a temple). Inside, I turned around to close the massive gate-like door, and saw, in that intense color, what dark cloud low to the ground, so thick you couldn't see through it, with debris flying everywhere in a beautiful torrent. I closed that door (which turned to glass), and watched and felt this thing smack into the building, rocking it like mad before I woke up.
The dreams I have are so great. I hope that, if the linking of minds happens in the future (you never know. The future will definitely be a funky place), I will be able to share it with people. The complexity in these dreams are staggering. My mind generating and taking care of all these little details everywhere... just amazing!
Anyway, I woke up, and there was my brother. I was planning on going to the barbecue that Nicole was having and with Ben being there, I decided to take him. So, off we went to Nicole's house. We discovered a lack of Boca Burgers (ALOBB) and went to the store, came back, and found that we'd have to wait an hour before everyone else got there
So we went to Eric Anapolsky's house.
Once there, we got our LAN party straightened out. What's more, we demo'ed even more games that Eric had on his computer and then decided to take Eric with us when we went back to the barbecue.
Once there, we found that the four girls and Trevor were there. we all played some card games while the food cooked. Then, we ate. About the time that everyone finished their meal, the owner and some other guy (worker?) of GNUGames showed up, and there was a massive discussion. Very intense, very fun. Though, I think Trevor wasn't enjoying himself that much. Mainly because the discussion was fast paced, and it seemed like it wasn't always going in the direction of talk that he would wish for. But, this is all just speculation! Lots of nerdly, not so nerdly, crazy claimed, exciting discussion happened, and I think practically everyone there was at least a little bit more knowledgeable before the party end (I enjoyed talking to the GNUGames people). Then, it was time to shove off.
I took everyone home, and got home with lots of messages, though it was late, I was able to respond to 2 of them (and spent a good 2 hours doing so).
YEAH!
This Dream is Tied to A Horse That Will Never Die
D.
I had some vivid dreams of playing hide and go seek with a whole bunch of people, and my cat was "it". The theme was a lush seasonal-tropical world, with lots of hills and mountains. I remember running and running, though the child's voice that was counting to 20 did not grow distant, like it should, with each step. I ran up some pretty thick jungle, then heard "20!" and kept going. Then, I saw everything from my cat's perspective... only in the 3rd person. My cat charged after my direction with ease, found me, and ran up. I turned around like I was being attacked like a monster, throwing my arm in the way to deflect the blow. My cat didn't claw me, but sort of hugged me (like it does to my leg in real life), though I knew i was caught.
Later, with stunningly colorful scenery (intense!), I drove all over the place looking for a place to live. I quickly went over the deserts of Utah, through Nevada, through the dense industrial area of Los Angeles, up the lush areas to the North, before settling on an apartment by the freeway with a beautiful island off in the distance... had a feeling of Hawaii, but not so packed. My dad met me there, with this huge aparment (more like a house, but it was an apartment) and... I remember the MASSIVE window with a curtain blowing because of wind that I couldn't feel. You could see the dazzling (and still intensely colorful) ocean in the distance, and the Island... but there were few people around, and that highway... -sigh-
I woke up to my dad and sister finally arriving back from Utah. I got ready for work and left. Once there, I began work on drawing hands... It's starting to look pretty good, when I don't rush it. I also did some more studying of japanese. Quite a well spent work day... again!
Once I got off work, I ran over to Nicole's house to give notice that I wasn't off today, but tomorrow! I have big plans on my day off, and that's why I couldn't hang out with her today... until I found out I work today and not tomorrow (good thing I checked the schedule!)! So, I was ready for her barbecue.
Her house has tons of food, which is strange for a house with 4 college girls. I mean, college people should *lack* food, but they have 2 fridges plus food piling out of cabinets all over the place, brimming with food. High on the hog, no doubt!
Anyway, I notified them, but felt very tired. So I crashed on their couch (which was a lot like my Aunt's couch... a nice nostalgic moment there...) for a while, but got up to crash on my couch at home.
I had the second dream there.
Again, the colors were intense and beautiful. I dreamed I was on a plane, bound for a land that I wasn't sure of... until I jumped out of the plane onto Japan (the pilot said this was planned), with my parachute. Once there, I found lots of Japanese people, and rode a bike all over the place... To an old temple that had a few trees around it... though past the few trees there was nothing but field for long distances. The wind was harsh, though I didn't mind. It was beautiful. You could see the dark clouds coming in. I picked up a MASSIVE picture book of Japan (probably 1 meter by .5 meters in length), with each MASSIVE page having a picture of a place, and a MASSIVE kanji on the other MASSIVE page stating the place name... Even pages had 1 Kanji, odd pages had the picture... sometimes a picture would cover 2 pages, though. Anyway, after thumbing through it a bit and posing for Japanese people who were wowed by my existence, the storm was getting intense around the area. The ocean was far off, but in that intense color that pervaded everything, I could see that the water was very choppy, so I ran off to the temple place (it seemed more like a house than a temple). Inside, I turned around to close the massive gate-like door, and saw, in that intense color, what dark cloud low to the ground, so thick you couldn't see through it, with debris flying everywhere in a beautiful torrent. I closed that door (which turned to glass), and watched and felt this thing smack into the building, rocking it like mad before I woke up.
The dreams I have are so great. I hope that, if the linking of minds happens in the future (you never know. The future will definitely be a funky place), I will be able to share it with people. The complexity in these dreams are staggering. My mind generating and taking care of all these little details everywhere... just amazing!
Anyway, I woke up, and there was my brother. I was planning on going to the barbecue that Nicole was having and with Ben being there, I decided to take him. So, off we went to Nicole's house. We discovered a lack of Boca Burgers (ALOBB) and went to the store, came back, and found that we'd have to wait an hour before everyone else got there
So we went to Eric Anapolsky's house.
Once there, we got our LAN party straightened out. What's more, we demo'ed even more games that Eric had on his computer and then decided to take Eric with us when we went back to the barbecue.
Once there, we found that the four girls and Trevor were there. we all played some card games while the food cooked. Then, we ate. About the time that everyone finished their meal, the owner and some other guy (worker?) of GNUGames showed up, and there was a massive discussion. Very intense, very fun. Though, I think Trevor wasn't enjoying himself that much. Mainly because the discussion was fast paced, and it seemed like it wasn't always going in the direction of talk that he would wish for. But, this is all just speculation! Lots of nerdly, not so nerdly, crazy claimed, exciting discussion happened, and I think practically everyone there was at least a little bit more knowledgeable before the party end (I enjoyed talking to the GNUGames people). Then, it was time to shove off.
I took everyone home, and got home with lots of messages, though it was late, I was able to respond to 2 of them (and spent a good 2 hours doing so).
YEAH!
This Dream is Tied to A Horse That Will Never Die
D.
Tuesday, July 27
And what is good, Phædrus,
And what is not good...
Need we ask anyone to tell us these things?
I'm tired and cranky. They will both pass when I wake, for I am always happy when I get a good night's rest.
I baked a cake, but I ran so hard that I fear I will throw up if I ate any of it.
I have been promised croissants, Lots and lots of croissants, in exchange for a little of my time with Nicole and her roommates.
What is your time worth?
At work, I spend hours just drawing, sometimes reading my japanese, improving myself. Soon, I will do all my homework at work (workwork?)
That's a good deal.
I've been reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance at the behest of another, who said I was a lot like the person. It's very good. I want to meet this individual...
I'll chock it up on my laundrylist of life (yes, I do, in fact, have one). for now... I can probably be satisfied with visiting a buddhist monastery (there's plenty around here...)
It's time for sleep. The death of today yields the birth of tomorrow, and, unfortunantly, today was just a bland, unmeaningful cycle in the continuum. Just the glue linking meaningful days together.Such a waste.
I really should resume my "One simple accomplishment" policy like I used to
I say these things, but I don't actually do anything about them. And I'm just getting more and more irritated...
All the while, I realize and feel my irritation, for it won't last forever; I won't feel this way all the time. I think I've talked about it before. I can't keep this irritation to cherish forever, just like I can't keep myself completely happy all the time.
What a wonderful thing to even be able to feel bad or good, or even just to feel.
Does being happy over good and bad make me an optimist? What a rant this is. Ha! Time for bed.
If I had to pick a religion it would be some sort of variant of Buddhism... though I'm guilty right now of not answering why; Just like the rest of this blog.
D.
And what is not good...
Need we ask anyone to tell us these things?
I'm tired and cranky. They will both pass when I wake, for I am always happy when I get a good night's rest.
I baked a cake, but I ran so hard that I fear I will throw up if I ate any of it.
I have been promised croissants, Lots and lots of croissants, in exchange for a little of my time with Nicole and her roommates.
What is your time worth?
At work, I spend hours just drawing, sometimes reading my japanese, improving myself. Soon, I will do all my homework at work (workwork?)
That's a good deal.
I've been reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance at the behest of another, who said I was a lot like the person. It's very good. I want to meet this individual...
I'll chock it up on my laundrylist of life (yes, I do, in fact, have one). for now... I can probably be satisfied with visiting a buddhist monastery (there's plenty around here...)
It's time for sleep. The death of today yields the birth of tomorrow, and, unfortunantly, today was just a bland, unmeaningful cycle in the continuum. Just the glue linking meaningful days together.Such a waste.
I really should resume my "One simple accomplishment" policy like I used to
I say these things, but I don't actually do anything about them. And I'm just getting more and more irritated...
All the while, I realize and feel my irritation, for it won't last forever; I won't feel this way all the time. I think I've talked about it before. I can't keep this irritation to cherish forever, just like I can't keep myself completely happy all the time.
What a wonderful thing to even be able to feel bad or good, or even just to feel.
Does being happy over good and bad make me an optimist? What a rant this is. Ha! Time for bed.
If I had to pick a religion it would be some sort of variant of Buddhism... though I'm guilty right now of not answering why; Just like the rest of this blog.
D.
Monday, July 26
Rest In Peace, Bobby the Goat
Bobby the goat, one of four goats that my brother's girlfriends' family (who are unofficially in-laws ) own, has died.
She was the nicest of the four. When the other goats would try to ram you, Bobbie would ram them. She was also the oldest...
Heh, reminds me of times when the other goats would ram, and she'd go chasing after them. I think her ramming did no good, though, because whomever went into the goat pen would bring a squirt bottle (shoot them right between the eyes and they run off course)
Twas a good goat...
Hopefully, the other goats do not follow suit
and as a point of advice, from me...
Did you know that eskimos hide under the ice and spear people from below? That's why I was able to defend Alaska so well when I played Risk! Those silly russians!
D.
She was the nicest of the four. When the other goats would try to ram you, Bobbie would ram them. She was also the oldest...
Heh, reminds me of times when the other goats would ram, and she'd go chasing after them. I think her ramming did no good, though, because whomever went into the goat pen would bring a squirt bottle (shoot them right between the eyes and they run off course)
Twas a good goat...
Hopefully, the other goats do not follow suit
and as a point of advice, from me...
Did you know that eskimos hide under the ice and spear people from below? That's why I was able to defend Alaska so well when I played Risk! Those silly russians!
D.
Stay Cool
So, the next day, after sleeping the entire previous day, was full of drama.
I found out that my mother had been busted, and busted big, for drug possession at her house when the government raided her residence.
This came as a shock, but not a surprise. I knew there were plenty of bad things happening at her house. She always gave low-lifes a place to stay.
Maybe she just had a big heart... too big to say no.
Maybe she was screwed up on drugs... who knows? I know my mother loves me, despite her faults; she would've supported however she could if she could. Usually, though, her money supply was tight and I was too far away.
Even if my stepfather was abusive to the family, and always manipulating my mother to live off of her hard work... even if she had never met him, she would've hooked on drugs sooner or later.
I remember a time, back in second grade, when me and my siblings found a pack of cigarettes in the cupboard. We showed our father, who always did his visitation on the weekends (yes, my parents were divorced at this time). We got our mother to crush that pack right in front of us, and swear she would never smoke again.
Of course, with the types of friends that she had and so forth, making her quit smoking would've been like a coach making demands at Michael Jordan that he score every free throw.
I know she cares. I've seen it many times in the past, even when she's made the wrong decisions (like sending me to a wayward boy's home. As a side note, the kids there were calm, controlled, good people. That surprised me)
Anyway, the cops came barreling into her house and found my sister smoking pot in the backyard. They issued her a smoking ticket. They searched everywhere, found plenty of drugs that looked like they were being prepared for distribution, and busted a whole bunch of people in general.
My mother will more than likely be sent to prison. These are serious charges. I cannot comprehend this. I barely talk to her.
My life is always filled with drama. Wherever I go, setbacks, insane unfoldings, and large gains happen. They happen more rapidly to me than anyone that I know. Everyone else seems so static compared to I. I don't understand...
Why???
And maybe I know the answer all along. I just don't want to come to terms and think about it. My self-created limiting factor that holds me back. Maybe it was a behavior that I learned from those terrible kids that I had to deal with on the bus and at school. Maybe it's from when I had no friends for years, and all I had was a leader who couldn't lead, and was rarely there.
I've thought a lot about the tribalistic qualities of humans. I've come to the conclusion that it's important to defend everyone in the group, even if one of the members is a village idiot. Defend everyone, and let everyone defend you.
I've wanted a "core group" for a while now: a group that that consists of members who will never exclude other members. A group that defends every single one of it's members, with the only requirement in returning being the members giving their all to the group. A group that will accept all members as individuals who do not have to conform. A group that is bound together by change that teaches and lets individuals grow. A group that is fine with letting a person be one sort of person, but is equally ok with a person being something else if they decide to.
A group that has unconditional love might be the "bingo" (the clown-o!) sentence.
I've seen it in religion and I've seen it with families, but I may never get to taste the flavor that I'd like to realize.
I've got a diaspora of groups, each one formulated during different points of my life when I thought a certain way, and I continue to act that certain way around each group. The way I would think at those points of my life wasn't bad; they all came to very sustainable relationships. But, I want to try it all out. I don't want to be stuck being a certain type of person forever. So, I change as I grow older. But, the moments with these people stay the same, and I consistently have to stay the same when I'm around these living memory aides of times past.
The relationships with these people are pretty good; on their side, they'd maybe even call it intense at times. But, I feel as though I'm limited to a point. I can't completely bond with them, and I'm stuck bonding to a point, a point that I am unable to pass. My pretty static behaviour and attitude keep the relationship stuck, and if I spend too much time with the person, the relationship can suffer.
I really ought to break out and just be the dynamic person that I am, but I've "tested the waters" by positting ideas and seeing what reaction I get, and consistently I find that the reactions are hostile. They would reject me if I changed in front of them.
Don't think that I haven't continued trying to be a dynamic person despite the threat of relationship breakdown, because I have. I've seen those relationships crumble to nothing, with large stretches of time required before I can communicate with the people once again.
Of course, even when I'm static, something always has to give. Nothing lasts forever. I can't take it and I change suddenly. Bad things happen at that point, too. You just can't stop change. You can't keep everything the same. It either goes up or down, and the higher it goes up the easier it is to go down. That's depressing!
What I'd like is, again, a dynamic group that accepts me. What's more, I'd like my "tribalistic" group to know and defend all the others involved in the group. Currently, as stated before, I have a diasporadic situation whereby I have plenty of people who defend me, but do not know/defend eachother. I'd like to form a large group out of my huge pool of friends that sticks together and helps build eachother up. Because a group of people together has much more umph in getting things to happen than the sum of the individuals of the group, if the group were never formed. I can foresee many beautiful things happening if this were the case.
Maybe I should make it a project. A project to get people together, group together, help eachother. I try and help my friends out by giving them jobs that I know of, advice that I've learned, or just plain spending money on them to benefit them, and I'd be willing to give myself up if such a great and noble cause were created.
Reminds me of a discussion me and PM had about religion. Religious organizations are not required to disclose dollar amounts to the government. You could set up a religion where you believe that everyone should own a blue car, and purchase blue cars, without being taxed. Such is the separation of church and state.
I'm not saying that you can pretend you're a religious organization if you're just trying to create a tax shield, because the IRS will know if you're doing tax fraud or not (they have forms that you fill out if you're a religious institution. Simple questions, but they root out fraudulent claims)
But, it's the cause. In a way, that's a beautiful thing. Even if these people are in it for the wrong cause, just the proved fact that there's excess power that a group of people creates is incredible.
In any case, back to my long winded story on my mom and events hitting me at a maddening pace
add one more event to my stack of awards in life. I feel like a seasoned general in some ways.
My sisters are being taken back to my residence (soon not to be my residence, since I'm still moving) by my father, who is driving to Utah as of this writing.
I will move to Richard's house rather than stick with my dad, because I know the private hell my sisters guarantee upon my life. What's more, food stamps and scholarships will be available at the low low fee of an additional $150/month.
So, the next day... I met up with Jamie. And it was good. We ate at Chappala's, whereby I displayed prominently CUBIC Brown*, my mini suitcase that I got for free. I had it packed full of change in a macrome sack, because I didn't want to spend my bank account money (i'm cutting close to the $0 amount), but I didn't want to display the sack full of change to the lazy Eureka bums... who knows, they might mug me for that change, and go have "Phat Cookie Madness!" at the bakery that sells cookies for $.05 a piece onTuesdays (though they don't call it phat cookie madness) . That just would not do.
After the meal and lots of jittery limbs later, we walked around Eureka, talking about ninjas, hiding in cardboard boxes, and stalking bums (well, I didn't tell her but I was intentially walking in a direction for a little bit because I wanted to "see where the bums go"). Because those're the great past times of Eureka!
After that, we drove around in my car for a while and talked about good times, visited my house and watched movies, and then parted. It was really refreshing and I'm glad I was able to talk to her again.
Next day: I don't even remember what I did for the longest time... oh, wait, that's right. I was downloading amatuer internet movies like there was no tomorrow... hehehe... then, I went to work and spent practically the entire shift just reading. I ran, and I felt good...
I stayed up late that night before going to sleep. When I work up, it was close to 10. I took a slow, leisurely, "this is my day off. Ha!" shower, and checked my messages on my answering machine...
First message: "Hi Darrel. This is Patti (my boss). Please give a call back"
Next few messages where just hangups
fifth message: "Darrel. This is Patti Janiss. You are supposed to be working at 7 and you are not here"
I nearly jumped with fear as it all hit me like a sack of garbanzo beans: I was supposed to be working at 7, and it was 10:30! Usually I have Sundays off, and Patti did screw up on the schedule with Sunday (she scheduled me in the afternoon of Sunday, which is when I have japanese), though she did fix it by putting me in the morning. I had somehow forgotten it all! The easiest job in the world, and I was doing a poor job... never in my two years have I forgotten that I was supposed to work...
Shaking, and without a meal, I quickly got my stuff together and flew down to my workplace. The boss was working the switchboard on her day off, though she was ok with it all (surprisingly). Heh, she was tossing in bed, thinking "What am I going today? I guess I could fix Kronos (the punch-in time thingie at the hospital. It screws up a lot and take hours to fix)" When the graveyard guy called saying that I hadn't came. I had given her something else to do.
But, I was so embarrassed. I still am. I felt as though I had failed everyone; that I was a liability. I'm somewhat new, and
I want to make it up, and not by doing the make up time that my contracting agency has in place (i can make up the missed hours by working later in the week) . I will find a way to awe her. I will make her proud somehow. Don't know how, but I will.
After 5 hours of more reading (almost done with my books! W00t!), I went to Richard's house, and was convinced to continue accruing japanese lesson costs, despite my financial struggle (Richard doesn't need the money right now; he never will, so I can pay it whenever) After that, we watched Stella Dallas, which was good to see... once. Has little replay value, but the film itself is a real tear jerker, with Barbara Stanwyck doing a marvelous job with acting. The other film, His Kind of Woman was an awesome Robert Mitchum film with tons of replay value. Mitchum is just... so cool... he's my hero! I mean, he's so cool that he'll reject love from people, and those half awake eyes... you never know what alterior motive he has thought up (and he's got quite a few). He was *the* star actor of film noir, and it shows. He is my favorite actor of all time.
Actors these days just can't stack up to greats like Humphrey Bogart, Orson Wells, and Robert Mitchum. You see a lot of special effects, star actors supposedly jumping from one wall to another or flying or something, but they're not really doing much, and more importantly, they don't act like people of times past used to. The acting parts that the actors of old undertook were HARD, and you can readily see it, the awesomeness, when they execute a part. Dialogue can be such a bewitching thing if you do it right, much moreso than any other special effect, specifically because it's one of the things that the public in general can relate to best.
Anyway, I'm very tired now, after doing this long post. I leave with a Mitchum quote (one of many of his cool ones), when some guy starts talking about "that dame", and he wants the guy to beat it.
Stay Cool!
So, do you sleep with your eyes open or your eyes closed?
D.
I found out that my mother had been busted, and busted big, for drug possession at her house when the government raided her residence.
This came as a shock, but not a surprise. I knew there were plenty of bad things happening at her house. She always gave low-lifes a place to stay.
Maybe she just had a big heart... too big to say no.
Maybe she was screwed up on drugs... who knows? I know my mother loves me, despite her faults; she would've supported however she could if she could. Usually, though, her money supply was tight and I was too far away.
Even if my stepfather was abusive to the family, and always manipulating my mother to live off of her hard work... even if she had never met him, she would've hooked on drugs sooner or later.
I remember a time, back in second grade, when me and my siblings found a pack of cigarettes in the cupboard. We showed our father, who always did his visitation on the weekends (yes, my parents were divorced at this time). We got our mother to crush that pack right in front of us, and swear she would never smoke again.
Of course, with the types of friends that she had and so forth, making her quit smoking would've been like a coach making demands at Michael Jordan that he score every free throw.
I know she cares. I've seen it many times in the past, even when she's made the wrong decisions (like sending me to a wayward boy's home. As a side note, the kids there were calm, controlled, good people. That surprised me)
Anyway, the cops came barreling into her house and found my sister smoking pot in the backyard. They issued her a smoking ticket. They searched everywhere, found plenty of drugs that looked like they were being prepared for distribution, and busted a whole bunch of people in general.
My mother will more than likely be sent to prison. These are serious charges. I cannot comprehend this. I barely talk to her.
My life is always filled with drama. Wherever I go, setbacks, insane unfoldings, and large gains happen. They happen more rapidly to me than anyone that I know. Everyone else seems so static compared to I. I don't understand...
Why???
And maybe I know the answer all along. I just don't want to come to terms and think about it. My self-created limiting factor that holds me back. Maybe it was a behavior that I learned from those terrible kids that I had to deal with on the bus and at school. Maybe it's from when I had no friends for years, and all I had was a leader who couldn't lead, and was rarely there.
I've thought a lot about the tribalistic qualities of humans. I've come to the conclusion that it's important to defend everyone in the group, even if one of the members is a village idiot. Defend everyone, and let everyone defend you.
I've wanted a "core group" for a while now: a group that that consists of members who will never exclude other members. A group that defends every single one of it's members, with the only requirement in returning being the members giving their all to the group. A group that will accept all members as individuals who do not have to conform. A group that is bound together by change that teaches and lets individuals grow. A group that is fine with letting a person be one sort of person, but is equally ok with a person being something else if they decide to.
A group that has unconditional love might be the "bingo" (the clown-o!) sentence.
I've seen it in religion and I've seen it with families, but I may never get to taste the flavor that I'd like to realize.
I've got a diaspora of groups, each one formulated during different points of my life when I thought a certain way, and I continue to act that certain way around each group. The way I would think at those points of my life wasn't bad; they all came to very sustainable relationships. But, I want to try it all out. I don't want to be stuck being a certain type of person forever. So, I change as I grow older. But, the moments with these people stay the same, and I consistently have to stay the same when I'm around these living memory aides of times past.
The relationships with these people are pretty good; on their side, they'd maybe even call it intense at times. But, I feel as though I'm limited to a point. I can't completely bond with them, and I'm stuck bonding to a point, a point that I am unable to pass. My pretty static behaviour and attitude keep the relationship stuck, and if I spend too much time with the person, the relationship can suffer.
I really ought to break out and just be the dynamic person that I am, but I've "tested the waters" by positting ideas and seeing what reaction I get, and consistently I find that the reactions are hostile. They would reject me if I changed in front of them.
Don't think that I haven't continued trying to be a dynamic person despite the threat of relationship breakdown, because I have. I've seen those relationships crumble to nothing, with large stretches of time required before I can communicate with the people once again.
Of course, even when I'm static, something always has to give. Nothing lasts forever. I can't take it and I change suddenly. Bad things happen at that point, too. You just can't stop change. You can't keep everything the same. It either goes up or down, and the higher it goes up the easier it is to go down. That's depressing!
What I'd like is, again, a dynamic group that accepts me. What's more, I'd like my "tribalistic" group to know and defend all the others involved in the group. Currently, as stated before, I have a diasporadic situation whereby I have plenty of people who defend me, but do not know/defend eachother. I'd like to form a large group out of my huge pool of friends that sticks together and helps build eachother up. Because a group of people together has much more umph in getting things to happen than the sum of the individuals of the group, if the group were never formed. I can foresee many beautiful things happening if this were the case.
Maybe I should make it a project. A project to get people together, group together, help eachother. I try and help my friends out by giving them jobs that I know of, advice that I've learned, or just plain spending money on them to benefit them, and I'd be willing to give myself up if such a great and noble cause were created.
Reminds me of a discussion me and PM had about religion. Religious organizations are not required to disclose dollar amounts to the government. You could set up a religion where you believe that everyone should own a blue car, and purchase blue cars, without being taxed. Such is the separation of church and state.
I'm not saying that you can pretend you're a religious organization if you're just trying to create a tax shield, because the IRS will know if you're doing tax fraud or not (they have forms that you fill out if you're a religious institution. Simple questions, but they root out fraudulent claims)
But, it's the cause. In a way, that's a beautiful thing. Even if these people are in it for the wrong cause, just the proved fact that there's excess power that a group of people creates is incredible.
In any case, back to my long winded story on my mom and events hitting me at a maddening pace
add one more event to my stack of awards in life. I feel like a seasoned general in some ways.
My sisters are being taken back to my residence (soon not to be my residence, since I'm still moving) by my father, who is driving to Utah as of this writing.
I will move to Richard's house rather than stick with my dad, because I know the private hell my sisters guarantee upon my life. What's more, food stamps and scholarships will be available at the low low fee of an additional $150/month.
So, the next day... I met up with Jamie. And it was good. We ate at Chappala's, whereby I displayed prominently CUBIC Brown*, my mini suitcase that I got for free. I had it packed full of change in a macrome sack, because I didn't want to spend my bank account money (i'm cutting close to the $0 amount), but I didn't want to display the sack full of change to the lazy Eureka bums... who knows, they might mug me for that change, and go have "Phat Cookie Madness!" at the bakery that sells cookies for $.05 a piece onTuesdays (though they don't call it phat cookie madness) . That just would not do.
After the meal and lots of jittery limbs later, we walked around Eureka, talking about ninjas, hiding in cardboard boxes, and stalking bums (well, I didn't tell her but I was intentially walking in a direction for a little bit because I wanted to "see where the bums go"). Because those're the great past times of Eureka!
After that, we drove around in my car for a while and talked about good times, visited my house and watched movies, and then parted. It was really refreshing and I'm glad I was able to talk to her again.
Next day: I don't even remember what I did for the longest time... oh, wait, that's right. I was downloading amatuer internet movies like there was no tomorrow... hehehe... then, I went to work and spent practically the entire shift just reading. I ran, and I felt good...
I stayed up late that night before going to sleep. When I work up, it was close to 10. I took a slow, leisurely, "this is my day off. Ha!" shower, and checked my messages on my answering machine...
First message: "Hi Darrel. This is Patti (my boss). Please give a call back"
Next few messages where just hangups
fifth message: "Darrel. This is Patti Janiss. You are supposed to be working at 7 and you are not here"
I nearly jumped with fear as it all hit me like a sack of garbanzo beans: I was supposed to be working at 7, and it was 10:30! Usually I have Sundays off, and Patti did screw up on the schedule with Sunday (she scheduled me in the afternoon of Sunday, which is when I have japanese), though she did fix it by putting me in the morning. I had somehow forgotten it all! The easiest job in the world, and I was doing a poor job... never in my two years have I forgotten that I was supposed to work...
Shaking, and without a meal, I quickly got my stuff together and flew down to my workplace. The boss was working the switchboard on her day off, though she was ok with it all (surprisingly). Heh, she was tossing in bed, thinking "What am I going today? I guess I could fix Kronos (the punch-in time thingie at the hospital. It screws up a lot and take hours to fix)" When the graveyard guy called saying that I hadn't came. I had given her something else to do.
But, I was so embarrassed. I still am. I felt as though I had failed everyone; that I was a liability. I'm somewhat new, and
I want to make it up, and not by doing the make up time that my contracting agency has in place (i can make up the missed hours by working later in the week) . I will find a way to awe her. I will make her proud somehow. Don't know how, but I will.
After 5 hours of more reading (almost done with my books! W00t!), I went to Richard's house, and was convinced to continue accruing japanese lesson costs, despite my financial struggle (Richard doesn't need the money right now; he never will, so I can pay it whenever) After that, we watched Stella Dallas, which was good to see... once. Has little replay value, but the film itself is a real tear jerker, with Barbara Stanwyck doing a marvelous job with acting. The other film, His Kind of Woman was an awesome Robert Mitchum film with tons of replay value. Mitchum is just... so cool... he's my hero! I mean, he's so cool that he'll reject love from people, and those half awake eyes... you never know what alterior motive he has thought up (and he's got quite a few). He was *the* star actor of film noir, and it shows. He is my favorite actor of all time.
Actors these days just can't stack up to greats like Humphrey Bogart, Orson Wells, and Robert Mitchum. You see a lot of special effects, star actors supposedly jumping from one wall to another or flying or something, but they're not really doing much, and more importantly, they don't act like people of times past used to. The acting parts that the actors of old undertook were HARD, and you can readily see it, the awesomeness, when they execute a part. Dialogue can be such a bewitching thing if you do it right, much moreso than any other special effect, specifically because it's one of the things that the public in general can relate to best.
Anyway, I'm very tired now, after doing this long post. I leave with a Mitchum quote (one of many of his cool ones), when some guy starts talking about "that dame", and he wants the guy to beat it.
Stay Cool!
So, do you sleep with your eyes open or your eyes closed?
D.
Tuesday, July 20
Every time She'd kick one in the nuts, the guitar would wail REAL hard
electric lawn mowers are just like weed whackers... they're weird
I should know. I operate one. Just like a vacuum, you have to make sure that you don't run over the cord! But some of the nice perks are that you don't get that nasty gasoline burning smell (not to mention the environment benefits), the motor starts up fast but dies just as quick when you want it to, and the blade doesn't slow down when you run over something thick.
It's just like a weed whacker! It's awesome.
But anyway, the day I was mowing my lawn was the day that I began my caffeine death trip (of doom). I had an unusually strong cup of coffee, one that gave me such an elated buzz that I continued downing lots of caffeine for days and days. I would drink tea to keep the buzz up, but it holds out for only so long...
Now, I'm really against controlled substances (I'm pro food, though), but I've always been tempted to just go overboard on the caffeine, And so I did.
What followed was several sleepless days, 2 rings around my eyes (looked like I had been punched), and a crazy habit of pure black cupiness.
I should mention now that my crazy early job also pushed me to the caffeinated side.
The first day was full of lawn mowing, cleaning the house, stealing macintoshes out of dumpsters, and insane fast-paced guessing at how to get my speakers back up in running.
While cracked out on caffeine, I dumped the garbage at the dump. While I was thinking about how $3.75 is outrageously expensive (half an hour of my time) , I spotted that mac... and when no one was looking... I stoled it!
As I drove away, it looked like I was locked in, but no, the place was just closing. I wasn't scared anyway. I was too cracked out to feel any fear or sadness .
When I got home, my dad confronted me about moving and I told him I was gonna do it, then let loose everything I felt because, as I said before, I was cracked out on caffeine and feeling extremely happy while telling him my major problems. Everything turned out awesome.
After that, I did major quick cleaning/fixing up, and discovered my speaker weren't working quite right.
I was trying to fix my speakers when Evan showed up. Instead of entertaining my guest, I was COMPELLED to fix my speakers.
I isolated the problem, but Evan was not entertained. I let him play on my synth while I did mad dashes across the room.
After about 1.5 hours and a slowdown due to caffeine decomposition, I gave up on the speakers.
We went to the hospital in my last ditch attempt to steer him clear of the military. I showed him the radiology department!
But, in the end, all I succeeded in doing was give him something to major in when he pushes through the military ranks.
Oh well.
Next day, I ran off to Eric Anapolski's to 1) get the mac up and running, 2)download lots of crap (240 gig HDD systems need filling!) 3)hang out with an old friend.
We did plenty of fun geekish things, with us editing pictures into hilarious things and creating a 3d movie (with that free software blender, no less) where a square teleports via a cone of light onto a sphere... yes, you'd have to use your imagination for once!
One interesting thing to mention was the mac. We decided to search for files of some sort and ended up finding a journal on there. Intrigued, we decided to live the life of hackers -- if only for a little while. Inside, we found the tragic tale of a person who needs to clean, needs to check the door in the middle of the night, and so forth. Then, we located her new moving spot using the internet (as well as all kinds of personal information like her work history and academic records, WITHOUT cracking anything). Maybe she's afraid we're going to be the ones busting down her door in the middle of the night?
Heh, well, I bet we'll never meet this person. That's ok. I hope I never do. What we were doing was just plain weird. But, it was an opportunity to try something that few ever get the chance doing. That and the thrill of it all... it's a nerd thing!
Once is enough for me.
During the whole LAN party thing, me and Eric talked about other people that I had known but have never been able to get ahold of, and, after finding out about where they are, what they're doing, etc. felt really disappointed in myself.
These people are going to Big Name UC's, straight from highschool, while talking a large load of classes. These people are kicking ass and taking names. These people are putting to use their potential.
I, on the other hand, am not trying hard enough. I'm stuck being comfortable. I'm not taking a full load of school like I should (and I will really have to, to get those scholarships). I'm on year 3 at a 2-year college...
Granted, I'm only 19, but the game has now caught up to me. It's up to me to see this through, and I must. Such wasted potential... I'm spending so much time now for so little... I want to work so I don't have to.
Surely I could do better, yes?
To this, Eric responded that "Everyone is going to continue doing what they always do. Dannie will continue at UC Santa Barbara, Nick will continue spending copious amounts of time on his computer playing FPS's, Life goes on. People will just keep doing what makes them happy," and that's true. Some will just keep dawdling by themselves, others around people. Some will never take a full load of classes and fulltime work, others will take 2 jobs and school. Some will continue to spend their money insanely, others will invest wisely (the key to being rich is to not spend that money!)
And what about me? I don't want to become a working automabot like some people. If my job takes up a ton of my time I had better love what I'm doing.
That's what I'm work for. I am working now so that, when I get that job, I won't have to work. It'll be my hobby.
I may even just retire early, so I have that free time.
But, If I had to make a decision between either having the best paying job in the world whereby I do the most boring, unmattering for a living (tie my shoe for a living?), vs. having a crappy paying (though it pays well enough to keep me stable) job that means a lot to me, i'd pick the crappy one without any doubt.
Fortunantly for me, the jobs I care about coincidentally pay well.
Anyway, the next day. After doing so many crazy things, I went to work, and tried to just make it through the day. At the end, I slept all the way till the beginning of the next day, when I normally wake up.
Speaking of sleep, I'm really tired right now, so I'll leave the topics that I wanted to talk about (apart from my news) here, in short form. I'll complete news later.
making your own food exactly synthesized the way you want it. Could create lots of new ingenious cooking stuff
I'm going to use my brother to get on KSLG, since he knows all the staff there. Also, there's lots of shows that my brother wants me to attend. He also would like me to play with plenty of his electronic sound mixing
Junk techno.
I also wanted to mention my run tonight, that exhilirating feel... me looking lively, seeing my abs in the mirror, pulsing like some monster from the movie aliens was going to pop out. Just an awesome feeling...
philosophy is a route of many roads that leads from nowhere to nothing
D.
I should know. I operate one. Just like a vacuum, you have to make sure that you don't run over the cord! But some of the nice perks are that you don't get that nasty gasoline burning smell (not to mention the environment benefits), the motor starts up fast but dies just as quick when you want it to, and the blade doesn't slow down when you run over something thick.
It's just like a weed whacker! It's awesome.
But anyway, the day I was mowing my lawn was the day that I began my caffeine death trip (of doom). I had an unusually strong cup of coffee, one that gave me such an elated buzz that I continued downing lots of caffeine for days and days. I would drink tea to keep the buzz up, but it holds out for only so long...
Now, I'm really against controlled substances (I'm pro food, though), but I've always been tempted to just go overboard on the caffeine, And so I did.
What followed was several sleepless days, 2 rings around my eyes (looked like I had been punched), and a crazy habit of pure black cupiness.
I should mention now that my crazy early job also pushed me to the caffeinated side.
The first day was full of lawn mowing, cleaning the house, stealing macintoshes out of dumpsters, and insane fast-paced guessing at how to get my speakers back up in running.
While cracked out on caffeine, I dumped the garbage at the dump. While I was thinking about how $3.75 is outrageously expensive (half an hour of my time) , I spotted that mac... and when no one was looking... I stoled it!
As I drove away, it looked like I was locked in, but no, the place was just closing. I wasn't scared anyway. I was too cracked out to feel any fear or sadness .
When I got home, my dad confronted me about moving and I told him I was gonna do it, then let loose everything I felt because, as I said before, I was cracked out on caffeine and feeling extremely happy while telling him my major problems. Everything turned out awesome.
After that, I did major quick cleaning/fixing up, and discovered my speaker weren't working quite right.
I was trying to fix my speakers when Evan showed up. Instead of entertaining my guest, I was COMPELLED to fix my speakers.
I isolated the problem, but Evan was not entertained. I let him play on my synth while I did mad dashes across the room.
After about 1.5 hours and a slowdown due to caffeine decomposition, I gave up on the speakers.
We went to the hospital in my last ditch attempt to steer him clear of the military. I showed him the radiology department!
But, in the end, all I succeeded in doing was give him something to major in when he pushes through the military ranks.
Oh well.
Next day, I ran off to Eric Anapolski's to 1) get the mac up and running, 2)download lots of crap (240 gig HDD systems need filling!) 3)hang out with an old friend.
We did plenty of fun geekish things, with us editing pictures into hilarious things and creating a 3d movie (with that free software blender, no less) where a square teleports via a cone of light onto a sphere... yes, you'd have to use your imagination for once!
One interesting thing to mention was the mac. We decided to search for files of some sort and ended up finding a journal on there. Intrigued, we decided to live the life of hackers -- if only for a little while. Inside, we found the tragic tale of a person who needs to clean, needs to check the door in the middle of the night, and so forth. Then, we located her new moving spot using the internet (as well as all kinds of personal information like her work history and academic records, WITHOUT cracking anything). Maybe she's afraid we're going to be the ones busting down her door in the middle of the night?
Heh, well, I bet we'll never meet this person. That's ok. I hope I never do. What we were doing was just plain weird. But, it was an opportunity to try something that few ever get the chance doing. That and the thrill of it all... it's a nerd thing!
Once is enough for me.
During the whole LAN party thing, me and Eric talked about other people that I had known but have never been able to get ahold of, and, after finding out about where they are, what they're doing, etc. felt really disappointed in myself.
These people are going to Big Name UC's, straight from highschool, while talking a large load of classes. These people are kicking ass and taking names. These people are putting to use their potential.
I, on the other hand, am not trying hard enough. I'm stuck being comfortable. I'm not taking a full load of school like I should (and I will really have to, to get those scholarships). I'm on year 3 at a 2-year college...
Granted, I'm only 19, but the game has now caught up to me. It's up to me to see this through, and I must. Such wasted potential... I'm spending so much time now for so little... I want to work so I don't have to.
Surely I could do better, yes?
To this, Eric responded that "Everyone is going to continue doing what they always do. Dannie will continue at UC Santa Barbara, Nick will continue spending copious amounts of time on his computer playing FPS's, Life goes on. People will just keep doing what makes them happy," and that's true. Some will just keep dawdling by themselves, others around people. Some will never take a full load of classes and fulltime work, others will take 2 jobs and school. Some will continue to spend their money insanely, others will invest wisely (the key to being rich is to not spend that money!)
And what about me? I don't want to become a working automabot like some people. If my job takes up a ton of my time I had better love what I'm doing.
That's what I'm work for. I am working now so that, when I get that job, I won't have to work. It'll be my hobby.
I may even just retire early, so I have that free time.
But, If I had to make a decision between either having the best paying job in the world whereby I do the most boring, unmattering for a living (tie my shoe for a living?), vs. having a crappy paying (though it pays well enough to keep me stable) job that means a lot to me, i'd pick the crappy one without any doubt.
Fortunantly for me, the jobs I care about coincidentally pay well.
Anyway, the next day. After doing so many crazy things, I went to work, and tried to just make it through the day. At the end, I slept all the way till the beginning of the next day, when I normally wake up.
Speaking of sleep, I'm really tired right now, so I'll leave the topics that I wanted to talk about (apart from my news) here, in short form. I'll complete news later.
making your own food exactly synthesized the way you want it. Could create lots of new ingenious cooking stuff
I'm going to use my brother to get on KSLG, since he knows all the staff there. Also, there's lots of shows that my brother wants me to attend. He also would like me to play with plenty of his electronic sound mixing
Junk techno.
I also wanted to mention my run tonight, that exhilirating feel... me looking lively, seeing my abs in the mirror, pulsing like some monster from the movie aliens was going to pop out. Just an awesome feeling...
philosophy is a route of many roads that leads from nowhere to nothing
D.
Sunday, July 18
Phoenix
Big Babies are us.
Lately I've been a little bit depressed. I feel like I'm going to be doing better in the future, since a few people, out of the blue, asked me if I was ok, which is odd since one is far, far away from here and the few others that I've been dealing with have only seen shiny, happy me. That is not to say that I'm hiding my feelings from people, I really am feeling all happy and stuff when talking. But, left to my own devices, I haven't been feeling so good...
I got back together with Evan a few days ago. We both really missed eachother, and so we both let the whole thing drop. Heh, spending 3.5 hours walking and talking with him while he did his job sent back old memories to my neurotransmitter/storer thingie. He said he hadn't felt so good working his job in so long, as well as he was shocked at how fast the time flew. I was stunned at how time slowed down a bit for me, though I was relieved because time has been flying by WAY too fast, with my life going by in a blink of an eye. I have been struggling to even grasp the reigns of time (if time were a horse), in this multiplanar dimension, and knowing that there's ONE place that I can go to slow it all down was very reassuring, though the news that Evan gave me, as I got a grip, was not.
Evan has truly decided to join the military; It's all he talks about. He's planning on being a computer programmer for the air force, though my gut says they'll screw him over big before that becomes possible. Mainly, he wants to get out of WinCo fast, since he'll be the 1st in command of Cart Land soon, and he feels like that that's the equivalent of work and pay to being a manager at McDonald's (and he swore he'd never be one of those)
In my opinion, he's on a bad roll, making a string of bad decisions, as of late, and nothing I say to him helps. I'm kind of stuck in a position where anything that I say that's against his plans is scrutinized and criticized. He won't listen. I just have to watch...
I mean, he's been getting lots of D's and F's at school. He obviously doesn't have enough time to attend class (many a time would he go to sleep rather than go to school), let alone do the homework. He's stuck spending that PRECIOUS time paying for a car that's outside of his wage level, as well as committing the rest to his girlfriend.
He feels like he's not just going nowhere, he's receding, since his poor grades hurt him academically. He thinks he can train and get the skills required to be hired as a civilian computer programmer. He feels that the military is his ticket to a better life.
I can understand how he feels and thinks. I just know much more about the military compared to he, since a lot of my very large family group has done time in the service (compared to his family, which has practically nobody who has been in the service). They'll grind him up and spit him out, just like they do everybody else. It's hideous! They'll first tear him down and build him back up the way they want him, and then grind him up. It's terrible.
I was once going to join the military with Jeremiah. Heh, he always teased that he we were going to create an elite force and take over America by way of nukes, and I always laughed. I didn't know if he was serious or not, though. In any case, we were going to go in together, but my dad had a vision of my death on a hill with two other people. I may really not be religious, but why flirt with possible danger if you don't have to?
Jeremiah always had me in a special area of his thoughts. I had to cut off from him because I had some traitorous activities to do with regards to him and I didn't want to do it to him while being a friend; I decided to not talk to him ever again and I told him so (hey, at the very least, we were several states away). Unfortunantly, despite the best of my abilities, he found out...
I had to do it. I had no choice.
Why is it that the people who become my worst enemies are the ones that were closest to me?
But anyway, another thing I don't understand is why people will single me out as a special type of friend. Am I not being selfish enough to recognize my own strengths? Am I just not being considerate of others that don't single me out as a special type of friend? If that's the case, then why have I had several people decide upon me like that... Where everybody else is shunned but i'm priveledged enough to go forth, on their quest of life, to make decisions as their equal?
Heh, that's what I'd like if I were married
Anyway, I went on a tangent again, didn't I? But I like tangents, and since I feel as though nobody else is reading this (at least right now?), I will do what I want!
back to the show.
As last said, the past few days have been rather depressing for me. They have been unproductive. They have been wasteful.
A few days ago, at around noon, my lip started going numb. The numbness has slowly spread to the lower chin area, and stayed put. I was getting very worried about it, but fortunantly I was able to talk to a dentist that I registered in the admitting area, and he said that it comes from the dentist injecting the anesthetic directly on the nerve. He said she killed the nerve, and it may take 6 to 12 months for the feeling to come back.
It's so irritating to not feel it. Sometimes I'll get little pin pricks of feeling which annoyingly remind me of the condition, and other times, I'll misinterpret what little feeling that I get out of it as pain.
Bah! How annoying.
So, the past few days have been spent on Meghannraye, which has been ok, I guess. She keeps drinking every day, and has been seductively hinting every time that I visit that she needs a "rebound" relationship, since she just broke up with her boyfriend. I would hate to lose her. I won't do it. Me and her are planning on taking a few classes together, mainly out of coincidence. I NEED to finish and get my degree now. Time's up for me, now that I'm paying rent and completely independent. The financial strain is somewhat crushing in this geographical part of the world. I need out. All's I got to do is go get the rest of my general education credits...
I keep thinking that I should go move into Richard's house. I'm having motivational problems as of late (I keep trying to bust loose, but I just can't seem to rile myself up. I keep fighting myself) and being in an uncomfortable setting will help keep me on my toes. What's more, I'm sure that just living there will help me get into doing my japanese, as well as old movie brush ups. I know that my dad will be gone soon so...
I keep getting so pissed off. The past 3 days I've been telling myself, "Ok. You need to sit down and do your Japanese." And by the time class time began for it, I had not done a single bit of studying. Bah! How am I going to get to Japan if I don't do the work?
I think I mentioned this before, but I just keep thinking about going to Japan. I plan on being there by the end of 2005. This place is sucking me dry... has been for a long time now, this inhibitory feeling, and I need to get out. I have always felt like I should live in the Australasia region (Live in Australia and go up to Japan) and think that may be where my fate lies. Japan first, later Australia.
My Australian friend, Greg, has been having heart trouble as of late and I hope he gets better! After working under hellish conditions at WinCo, Greg has been working at Weta Digital, doing the Lord of the Rings stuff, and keeps saying that he wants to give me his expensiv-o, crazy cool computer stuff (when he upgrades, which'll be soon). Heh... he plays around with 600 GB Hard Drives and the next generation, industrial-grade video cards. But, that stuff gets "out of date" and "useless", and since he's always got to be on the cutting edge of his job (his business buys the computer for him) , he doesn't need it.
The stuff may be cool, but he considers them mere tools. Extensions of his hands. That's the way to look at it, I think.
For me, playing around with something like that would be fun. *Imagines Beowulf clusters of them...* In the end, though, I'm with him on a computer being a mere tool. I hate it when I treat it as anything else (*cough cough* game play *cough*)... it just wrecks me.
Speaking of hard drives, my brother purchased a whole bunch of new computer parts and assembled them. Thus, he started a small computer war ( of course it'll fizzle, but he's getting others off their butts and upgrading for that trendy, rice rocket sort of computer)
Not to be completely outdone by his schwag computer (complete with LED fan lights -- rave, anyone?), I went out and bought a 160 GB hard drive, bringing the total Giggage to 240. So many partitions... only linux will do! But I didn't have time... I wanted the windows/linux dualboot but needed compatibility quickly for A LAN party, so I just patched it up with a single windows distro and a whole bunch of FAT32. (probably shift some more to linux partitions, since I don't like seeing drive L: at all...)
With the LAN party, I put on my nerdiest clothes, glasses, and jargon on and partied on down. Heh, the LAN party turned into more of a "get the computers fixed" sort of occasion, with me getting mine in ship shape, and Paul trying to fix his up (we were trying to migrate all of his stuff to my really really old 800 mhz computer (that's still better than his, sadly) and ended up having all sorts of problems).
Better luck next time
In a completely out of nowhere thought rant, I feel like things are getting better lately because I realize that, while I have been neglecting so many things relating to me, they can be great things if I get them polished up. I just need to get myself motivated to do them.
I have this awesome computer, yet it is halfway useless right now. If I put some work into it, it'll work awesomely. I haven't been doing my japanese, but with such a large vocabulary, all I need to do is pick myself back up and do it. I'm getting there. My house always feels so filthy, yet it is clean. I just need to reorganize it, and it will be great. I get paid lousy wages doing boring half-work, yet the skills I'm acquiring assure me at least a decent job in the future.
I may not be having an easy time surviving, but I am going to make it. I just need to do it... it doesn't take that much time... but I feel like my time is so important... and that's the thing... by not lending my time I'm making my time less important... yet by investing the time to fix it all up is somewhat of a waste....
I've been having a lot of trouble lately just trying to do something, or having plenty to do and going back and forth to each task without doing anything (sound stupid? It is, let me tell you) . I get such a tired feeling, or I'll just stare off into space for a long time... like grains of sand, the seconds are expired, and I'm too busy trying to cling onto them, thinking about them and trying to get it back so I can act on it when it's already gone, meanwhile losing the other seconds.
Just gotta let go.
I was feeling really negative earlier today, being severely disappointed in how things are happening and I'm failing to meet my requirement to take advantage of them.
But then I got my caffeine from tea (caffeine withdrawal today?) and some techno (I'm a dork. I love techno. Shoot me.), which is something I haven't had in a long time/forgot about. That, surprisingly, made me feel better.
One thing I must say about myself right now. I keep recognizing the problem, yet I continue to not formulate a plan to address the issues, and everything snowballs from there.
What may be the best plan is to forget about me, and relaxing, and just remember and do what I need to go out and do.
It's funny how I was working so hard, doing so much back in February, that I couldn't figure out how to relax (and that worried me), and how I've been trying to relax, and now I've swung too far into that spectrum...
It Beats a Swift Kick In the Face
D.
Lately I've been a little bit depressed. I feel like I'm going to be doing better in the future, since a few people, out of the blue, asked me if I was ok, which is odd since one is far, far away from here and the few others that I've been dealing with have only seen shiny, happy me. That is not to say that I'm hiding my feelings from people, I really am feeling all happy and stuff when talking. But, left to my own devices, I haven't been feeling so good...
I got back together with Evan a few days ago. We both really missed eachother, and so we both let the whole thing drop. Heh, spending 3.5 hours walking and talking with him while he did his job sent back old memories to my neurotransmitter/storer thingie. He said he hadn't felt so good working his job in so long, as well as he was shocked at how fast the time flew. I was stunned at how time slowed down a bit for me, though I was relieved because time has been flying by WAY too fast, with my life going by in a blink of an eye. I have been struggling to even grasp the reigns of time (if time were a horse), in this multiplanar dimension, and knowing that there's ONE place that I can go to slow it all down was very reassuring, though the news that Evan gave me, as I got a grip, was not.
Evan has truly decided to join the military; It's all he talks about. He's planning on being a computer programmer for the air force, though my gut says they'll screw him over big before that becomes possible. Mainly, he wants to get out of WinCo fast, since he'll be the 1st in command of Cart Land soon, and he feels like that that's the equivalent of work and pay to being a manager at McDonald's (and he swore he'd never be one of those)
In my opinion, he's on a bad roll, making a string of bad decisions, as of late, and nothing I say to him helps. I'm kind of stuck in a position where anything that I say that's against his plans is scrutinized and criticized. He won't listen. I just have to watch...
I mean, he's been getting lots of D's and F's at school. He obviously doesn't have enough time to attend class (many a time would he go to sleep rather than go to school), let alone do the homework. He's stuck spending that PRECIOUS time paying for a car that's outside of his wage level, as well as committing the rest to his girlfriend.
He feels like he's not just going nowhere, he's receding, since his poor grades hurt him academically. He thinks he can train and get the skills required to be hired as a civilian computer programmer. He feels that the military is his ticket to a better life.
I can understand how he feels and thinks. I just know much more about the military compared to he, since a lot of my very large family group has done time in the service (compared to his family, which has practically nobody who has been in the service). They'll grind him up and spit him out, just like they do everybody else. It's hideous! They'll first tear him down and build him back up the way they want him, and then grind him up. It's terrible.
I was once going to join the military with Jeremiah. Heh, he always teased that he we were going to create an elite force and take over America by way of nukes, and I always laughed. I didn't know if he was serious or not, though. In any case, we were going to go in together, but my dad had a vision of my death on a hill with two other people. I may really not be religious, but why flirt with possible danger if you don't have to?
Jeremiah always had me in a special area of his thoughts. I had to cut off from him because I had some traitorous activities to do with regards to him and I didn't want to do it to him while being a friend; I decided to not talk to him ever again and I told him so (hey, at the very least, we were several states away). Unfortunantly, despite the best of my abilities, he found out...
I had to do it. I had no choice.
Why is it that the people who become my worst enemies are the ones that were closest to me?
But anyway, another thing I don't understand is why people will single me out as a special type of friend. Am I not being selfish enough to recognize my own strengths? Am I just not being considerate of others that don't single me out as a special type of friend? If that's the case, then why have I had several people decide upon me like that... Where everybody else is shunned but i'm priveledged enough to go forth, on their quest of life, to make decisions as their equal?
Heh, that's what I'd like if I were married
Anyway, I went on a tangent again, didn't I? But I like tangents, and since I feel as though nobody else is reading this (at least right now?), I will do what I want!
back to the show.
As last said, the past few days have been rather depressing for me. They have been unproductive. They have been wasteful.
A few days ago, at around noon, my lip started going numb. The numbness has slowly spread to the lower chin area, and stayed put. I was getting very worried about it, but fortunantly I was able to talk to a dentist that I registered in the admitting area, and he said that it comes from the dentist injecting the anesthetic directly on the nerve. He said she killed the nerve, and it may take 6 to 12 months for the feeling to come back.
It's so irritating to not feel it. Sometimes I'll get little pin pricks of feeling which annoyingly remind me of the condition, and other times, I'll misinterpret what little feeling that I get out of it as pain.
Bah! How annoying.
So, the past few days have been spent on Meghannraye, which has been ok, I guess. She keeps drinking every day, and has been seductively hinting every time that I visit that she needs a "rebound" relationship, since she just broke up with her boyfriend. I would hate to lose her. I won't do it. Me and her are planning on taking a few classes together, mainly out of coincidence. I NEED to finish and get my degree now. Time's up for me, now that I'm paying rent and completely independent. The financial strain is somewhat crushing in this geographical part of the world. I need out. All's I got to do is go get the rest of my general education credits...
I keep thinking that I should go move into Richard's house. I'm having motivational problems as of late (I keep trying to bust loose, but I just can't seem to rile myself up. I keep fighting myself) and being in an uncomfortable setting will help keep me on my toes. What's more, I'm sure that just living there will help me get into doing my japanese, as well as old movie brush ups. I know that my dad will be gone soon so...
I keep getting so pissed off. The past 3 days I've been telling myself, "Ok. You need to sit down and do your Japanese." And by the time class time began for it, I had not done a single bit of studying. Bah! How am I going to get to Japan if I don't do the work?
I think I mentioned this before, but I just keep thinking about going to Japan. I plan on being there by the end of 2005. This place is sucking me dry... has been for a long time now, this inhibitory feeling, and I need to get out. I have always felt like I should live in the Australasia region (Live in Australia and go up to Japan) and think that may be where my fate lies. Japan first, later Australia.
My Australian friend, Greg, has been having heart trouble as of late and I hope he gets better! After working under hellish conditions at WinCo, Greg has been working at Weta Digital, doing the Lord of the Rings stuff, and keeps saying that he wants to give me his expensiv-o, crazy cool computer stuff (when he upgrades, which'll be soon). Heh... he plays around with 600 GB Hard Drives and the next generation, industrial-grade video cards. But, that stuff gets "out of date" and "useless", and since he's always got to be on the cutting edge of his job (his business buys the computer for him) , he doesn't need it.
The stuff may be cool, but he considers them mere tools. Extensions of his hands. That's the way to look at it, I think.
For me, playing around with something like that would be fun. *Imagines Beowulf clusters of them...* In the end, though, I'm with him on a computer being a mere tool. I hate it when I treat it as anything else (*cough cough* game play *cough*)... it just wrecks me.
Speaking of hard drives, my brother purchased a whole bunch of new computer parts and assembled them. Thus, he started a small computer war ( of course it'll fizzle, but he's getting others off their butts and upgrading for that trendy, rice rocket sort of computer)
Not to be completely outdone by his schwag computer (complete with LED fan lights -- rave, anyone?), I went out and bought a 160 GB hard drive, bringing the total Giggage to 240. So many partitions... only linux will do! But I didn't have time... I wanted the windows/linux dualboot but needed compatibility quickly for A LAN party, so I just patched it up with a single windows distro and a whole bunch of FAT32. (probably shift some more to linux partitions, since I don't like seeing drive L: at all...)
With the LAN party, I put on my nerdiest clothes, glasses, and jargon on and partied on down. Heh, the LAN party turned into more of a "get the computers fixed" sort of occasion, with me getting mine in ship shape, and Paul trying to fix his up (we were trying to migrate all of his stuff to my really really old 800 mhz computer (that's still better than his, sadly) and ended up having all sorts of problems).
Better luck next time
In a completely out of nowhere thought rant, I feel like things are getting better lately because I realize that, while I have been neglecting so many things relating to me, they can be great things if I get them polished up. I just need to get myself motivated to do them.
I have this awesome computer, yet it is halfway useless right now. If I put some work into it, it'll work awesomely. I haven't been doing my japanese, but with such a large vocabulary, all I need to do is pick myself back up and do it. I'm getting there. My house always feels so filthy, yet it is clean. I just need to reorganize it, and it will be great. I get paid lousy wages doing boring half-work, yet the skills I'm acquiring assure me at least a decent job in the future.
I may not be having an easy time surviving, but I am going to make it. I just need to do it... it doesn't take that much time... but I feel like my time is so important... and that's the thing... by not lending my time I'm making my time less important... yet by investing the time to fix it all up is somewhat of a waste....
I've been having a lot of trouble lately just trying to do something, or having plenty to do and going back and forth to each task without doing anything (sound stupid? It is, let me tell you) . I get such a tired feeling, or I'll just stare off into space for a long time... like grains of sand, the seconds are expired, and I'm too busy trying to cling onto them, thinking about them and trying to get it back so I can act on it when it's already gone, meanwhile losing the other seconds.
Just gotta let go.
I was feeling really negative earlier today, being severely disappointed in how things are happening and I'm failing to meet my requirement to take advantage of them.
But then I got my caffeine from tea (caffeine withdrawal today?) and some techno (I'm a dork. I love techno. Shoot me.), which is something I haven't had in a long time/forgot about. That, surprisingly, made me feel better.
One thing I must say about myself right now. I keep recognizing the problem, yet I continue to not formulate a plan to address the issues, and everything snowballs from there.
What may be the best plan is to forget about me, and relaxing, and just remember and do what I need to go out and do.
It's funny how I was working so hard, doing so much back in February, that I couldn't figure out how to relax (and that worried me), and how I've been trying to relax, and now I've swung too far into that spectrum...
It Beats a Swift Kick In the Face
D.
Friday, July 16
satan's disgrace
I'd name my ship this... or maybe I'd name it The Anger of the Sea!
and I'm still not in a blogging mood... Though I'm so tired from talking to so many people that I need some serious alone time right now...
D.
and I'm still not in a blogging mood... Though I'm so tired from talking to so many people that I need some serious alone time right now...
D.
Thursday, July 15
ALieN 0o_o0-0o_o0o_o0-0o
beware... bunnies reenacting the movie "Alien" for 30 seconds are here.
You know what happens when a bunny goes psychopathic.
And you'll need flash
D.
You know what happens when a bunny goes psychopathic.
And you'll need flash
D.
Wednesday, July 14
Tuesday, July 13
What is Going on???
I like art.
Work is easier than ever, and I have a whole bunch of people to see, things to do.
I just wanted to give notice right now that
As of late, I haven't been in the blogging mood. The blog volume will decrease.
I don't know when the next one will be written. I just need to do other things that I've been neglecting for a long time, things that require my precious time.
So, for now, Sayoonara.
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
D.
Work is easier than ever, and I have a whole bunch of people to see, things to do.
I just wanted to give notice right now that
As of late, I haven't been in the blogging mood. The blog volume will decrease.
I don't know when the next one will be written. I just need to do other things that I've been neglecting for a long time, things that require my precious time.
So, for now, Sayoonara.
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
D.
Monday, July 12
I was Tricked
Where did I leave off from last time?
*looks at his blog*
Oh, that's right.
Ok. A lot of stuff happened between now and then. After finishing my last blog, I promptly went to bed and SLEPT!
Though, it wasnt easy. I'm trying to shift my schedule towards a more morning-ish time. I think it's working.
Anyway, I got up late, and promptly (there's that word again!) went over to my landlord's house to work. Once there, she started me out with using a gas powered weedwhacker... which I broke. Next, she had me use a chainsaw to cut wood into fireplace sized pieces. During that time, I felt like Nick Ash from the Evil Dead/Army of Darkness series, but that fantasy quickly came to a halt when the chainsaw ran out of gas and neither one of us could open the gas cap (we discovered later that it takes a magical tool called a SCREWDRIVER to open it). In desperation, we whipped out a wood chipper and began chipping wood. But, that thing got jammed (and was even burning wood)! So, we had to spend quite a bit of time just dislodging stuck wood by disassembling the bastard chipper from hell!
After all the failures, we decided to do lunch. I was served expensive salmon with Tillamook cheese and crackers, and the rarest tea in the world -- white tea. It's said, that the tips of the leaves can only be picked 2 days out of the year. It's yummy tea!
There were other things to eat, but they were of negligible importance.
After that, we got back to the chipper, and everything seemed to go right. What's more, we were just turning out wood mulch at an insane pace! It was awesome.
After I decided to stop working for the day, I decided that
1) I must have a Bjork CD!
2) I must surprise visit someone at their workplace!
3) I must visit Meghannraye! (though that was after I called her house)
So, I ordered everything up, 1, 3, 2, and set off (Meghannraye threatened that she was leaving for some party if I didn't come soon enough, so 3 came before 2)
I decided to visit the pawn shop in my endless quest for Bjork CDs, because the pawn shop sells CDs at a fair price - $5.00/CD.
Unfortunantly, the Pawn Shop didn't have any Bjork. Strangely, that pawn shop always seems stocked with Anime tapes and music CDs, and so I bought a few soundtracks which are as follows: Trigun, West Side Story (to get Paul to sing (just for kicks)), The Breakfast Club (to mess with the Breakfast Club (I still haven't seen the movie)), and some other CD-can't remember off the top of my head at the moment! Oh well.
I decided that I wasted so much time at the pawn shop that I should just immediately go to Meghannraye's house, so I did. When I got there, I found sausage lying on the counter, and a whole bunch of cola cases (full) lying on the ground. I wondered if there was a party going on or something! She said "No" (and she was right) and asked me if I'd like a milkshake.
I, being one who likes milkshakes, did not decline. I didn't think about it at the time, but she had the blender container in the fridge, with milkshake already ready. She took it out, dumped the milkshake in a glass, and gave it to me. Then, she left for the bathroom, leaving me and the milkshake alone.
As I took a sip and felt a burning sensation along with chocolate go down my throat, I realized what was up:
I was tricked.
The milkshake was spiked. Damn!
She came back and started giggling. I hadn't drank in a long time, and I hadn't even had alcohol cross my mind for many months. Realizing my own downfall at that moment (what with an empty stomach and all) I decided that I was stuck with 3), and promptly struck out2).
I drank more and more of this "milkshake", and we both decided to go to the beach. Sort of dangerous, maybe, but I don't think there was very much alcohol in either of our bodies; Surely not enough for someone over 21 to worry about (legal-wise). At the beach, we hung out and talked, fought over sandals (I will not forget going to the river in Willow Creek without sandals), whereby I got sand in my nose (For some reason, I inhaled through my nose when my face was plowed in the ground)! It didn't hurt to inhale it at all, strangely, but I did have dried-out sinuses for the rest of the night (probably because of the salt content). We had fun, though.
Back at her house, we did a lot of talking (uh, and drinking) for a long time and then I left (after finally feeling sober) for home.
I had a strange dream that night, one involving tons of women chasing after me, some I knew and some I didn't, through a combined Eureka/Arcata/McKinleyville town. I was running away from them all, but enjoying every minute of it. I ran to a very large church (much like this one), and SLAMMED the door behind me. I locked the door, and it rattled like a battering ram was hitting it. I immediately ran to the head priest guy and begged him to take me in (though I didn't want to), and he agreed. He stated that the place was holy ground, and I would be safe as a monk (This was in the big part of the church - with benches and stuff). He gave me some robes and stuff, and I immediately did monk stuff as if I knew what to do. As I passed other monks (with their hoods), I became friendly to them, greeting them like I had known them forever. Then, the monks all took off their hoods...
They were all women.
They cornered me in the church, pushing me against the wall, begging me for something of me(I don't quite remember -- this was 2 night ago!), but I woke up right then.
Next day: I got up and did my laundry. While the washer at the SpeedWash did the work, I decided to visit Adrienne, since I was having Japanese class later in the day and I knew she is enthusiastic about Japanese. I caught her as she was getting a tarot card reading from some hippy guy (you could tell the guy meant no harm. Kind of a strange feeling to be around him. Maybe it's just me, though) Though Adrienne didn't want to do any japanese that day (not surprised!), she did corner me into cooking on Tuesday with her. I left after that to go put my laundry in the dryer. When I got all of that done, I quickly rounded up the people for japanese class (3 of them, all who need rides) and took the plunge to sensei's. It was kind of weird. The people that I got together kept bunching behind me like I was the leader or something. Meh, whatever. We went in and did some rooty-tooty 1st and 2nd grade japanese stories involving vegetables taking baths and bugs. It was smashing.
Those Japanese have crazy weird stories!
After taking most everyone home, I was left with a guy named Eric. I didn't really know him when I gave him a ride, but I have quickly (at a staggering pace) befriended him. Eric is a 22 year-old hardcore buddhist, who has had a child already (but given her up for adoption), and wants to go to Tibet. I got Eric work under my landlord like that *snaps fingers* and we both had dinner at my house (along with Erin! Good god, the Metrosexual's back! And he's caught something from drinking too much! (did I get that right, Erin?) ), after that, we left my house and, although I was planning on sleeping over at Meghannraye's for the night (we were planning on bicycle riding in the morning), watched a movie. There, I learned Eric's history of Pennsylvania-ness (Transylvania in disguise? You know that the vampires are the true leaders of our nation, right?), how his girlfriend is yet another tarot card reader, and so forth.
I left before the movie even reached its half point, since it was getting late and I had to crash at Meg's house. I bizzed all the way to Loleta, fell asleep for 10 hours at her house (after being awake for only 10 hours), and, because of the weather, had breakfast at Hoyler's instead (I think I spelled that wrong!).
I had more weird dreams.
I had one involving a board game dealing with Super Mario Brothers (the original 1985 version, baby!), specifically world 1-2 (I used to play that level over and over and over and over when I was 5. I know only one other level, so don't think i'm that geekish!). You rolled dice to determine what to do. Being a board game with lots of tokens to put on, It turned into a battle full of marios and stuff: me and my friends vs. my brother. Weird? You bet!
Another dream involved me hanging out with Meghannraye at my house. I felt hungry, and it was 4 in the morning, so I left for WinCo to get food. When I got there, the clock said 9:30 -- which, due to my dream logic, meant the clock was 90 minutes fast and it was 7:00. According to my dream, 7:00 was when I had to be to work. I was late! So, I ran into WinCo, got a muffin, came out, and Meghannraye was there in her car to take me to work at blazingly fast speed. A blizzard was falling in Eureka (which doesn't happen in this coastal town) and so she was spinning everywhere. She decided to go to the left of Samoa bridge (covered in 4 feet of snow), which, in my dream, was a ramp full of junk machinery -- and a dropoff point (it was like a new lane being added to the samoa bridge, but not. Just saying that to give the right idea). I told her to stop, and we barely stopped before the dropoff point. The car had flipped, and I got out, lifted her Pontiac Sunfire over my head, and threw it on the ground, right-side-up. I got out into the snow, walking to work (it's 9 miles from the point i was at), seeing people scraping snow from their cars with their hands.
Woke up again.
16 bit western songs. Now those are good tunes!
You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun,
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One-A3, introduced to me by Paul, long before those silly Saprono people ever used it as their song (silly Sopranos! Still haven't seen your show!)
D.
*looks at his blog*
Oh, that's right.
Ok. A lot of stuff happened between now and then. After finishing my last blog, I promptly went to bed and SLEPT!
Though, it wasnt easy. I'm trying to shift my schedule towards a more morning-ish time. I think it's working.
Anyway, I got up late, and promptly (there's that word again!) went over to my landlord's house to work. Once there, she started me out with using a gas powered weedwhacker... which I broke. Next, she had me use a chainsaw to cut wood into fireplace sized pieces. During that time, I felt like Nick Ash from the Evil Dead/Army of Darkness series, but that fantasy quickly came to a halt when the chainsaw ran out of gas and neither one of us could open the gas cap (we discovered later that it takes a magical tool called a SCREWDRIVER to open it). In desperation, we whipped out a wood chipper and began chipping wood. But, that thing got jammed (and was even burning wood)! So, we had to spend quite a bit of time just dislodging stuck wood by disassembling the bastard chipper from hell!
After all the failures, we decided to do lunch. I was served expensive salmon with Tillamook cheese and crackers, and the rarest tea in the world -- white tea. It's said, that the tips of the leaves can only be picked 2 days out of the year. It's yummy tea!
There were other things to eat, but they were of negligible importance.
After that, we got back to the chipper, and everything seemed to go right. What's more, we were just turning out wood mulch at an insane pace! It was awesome.
After I decided to stop working for the day, I decided that
1) I must have a Bjork CD!
2) I must surprise visit someone at their workplace!
3) I must visit Meghannraye! (though that was after I called her house)
So, I ordered everything up, 1, 3, 2, and set off (Meghannraye threatened that she was leaving for some party if I didn't come soon enough, so 3 came before 2)
I decided to visit the pawn shop in my endless quest for Bjork CDs, because the pawn shop sells CDs at a fair price - $5.00/CD.
Unfortunantly, the Pawn Shop didn't have any Bjork. Strangely, that pawn shop always seems stocked with Anime tapes and music CDs, and so I bought a few soundtracks which are as follows: Trigun, West Side Story (to get Paul to sing (just for kicks)), The Breakfast Club (to mess with the Breakfast Club (I still haven't seen the movie)), and some other CD-can't remember off the top of my head at the moment! Oh well.
I decided that I wasted so much time at the pawn shop that I should just immediately go to Meghannraye's house, so I did. When I got there, I found sausage lying on the counter, and a whole bunch of cola cases (full) lying on the ground. I wondered if there was a party going on or something! She said "No" (and she was right) and asked me if I'd like a milkshake.
I, being one who likes milkshakes, did not decline. I didn't think about it at the time, but she had the blender container in the fridge, with milkshake already ready. She took it out, dumped the milkshake in a glass, and gave it to me. Then, she left for the bathroom, leaving me and the milkshake alone.
As I took a sip and felt a burning sensation along with chocolate go down my throat, I realized what was up:
I was tricked.
The milkshake was spiked. Damn!
She came back and started giggling. I hadn't drank in a long time, and I hadn't even had alcohol cross my mind for many months. Realizing my own downfall at that moment (what with an empty stomach and all) I decided that I was stuck with 3), and promptly struck out
I drank more and more of this "milkshake", and we both decided to go to the beach. Sort of dangerous, maybe, but I don't think there was very much alcohol in either of our bodies; Surely not enough for someone over 21 to worry about (legal-wise). At the beach, we hung out and talked, fought over sandals (I will not forget going to the river in Willow Creek without sandals), whereby I got sand in my nose (For some reason, I inhaled through my nose when my face was plowed in the ground)! It didn't hurt to inhale it at all, strangely, but I did have dried-out sinuses for the rest of the night (probably because of the salt content). We had fun, though.
Back at her house, we did a lot of talking (uh, and drinking) for a long time and then I left (after finally feeling sober) for home.
I had a strange dream that night, one involving tons of women chasing after me, some I knew and some I didn't, through a combined Eureka/Arcata/McKinleyville town. I was running away from them all, but enjoying every minute of it. I ran to a very large church (much like this one), and SLAMMED the door behind me. I locked the door, and it rattled like a battering ram was hitting it. I immediately ran to the head priest guy and begged him to take me in (though I didn't want to), and he agreed. He stated that the place was holy ground, and I would be safe as a monk (This was in the big part of the church - with benches and stuff). He gave me some robes and stuff, and I immediately did monk stuff as if I knew what to do. As I passed other monks (with their hoods), I became friendly to them, greeting them like I had known them forever. Then, the monks all took off their hoods...
They were all women.
They cornered me in the church, pushing me against the wall, begging me for something of me(I don't quite remember -- this was 2 night ago!), but I woke up right then.
Next day: I got up and did my laundry. While the washer at the SpeedWash did the work, I decided to visit Adrienne, since I was having Japanese class later in the day and I knew she is enthusiastic about Japanese. I caught her as she was getting a tarot card reading from some hippy guy (you could tell the guy meant no harm. Kind of a strange feeling to be around him. Maybe it's just me, though) Though Adrienne didn't want to do any japanese that day (not surprised!), she did corner me into cooking on Tuesday with her. I left after that to go put my laundry in the dryer. When I got all of that done, I quickly rounded up the people for japanese class (3 of them, all who need rides) and took the plunge to sensei's. It was kind of weird. The people that I got together kept bunching behind me like I was the leader or something. Meh, whatever. We went in and did some rooty-tooty 1st and 2nd grade japanese stories involving vegetables taking baths and bugs. It was smashing.
Those Japanese have crazy weird stories!
After taking most everyone home, I was left with a guy named Eric. I didn't really know him when I gave him a ride, but I have quickly (at a staggering pace) befriended him. Eric is a 22 year-old hardcore buddhist, who has had a child already (but given her up for adoption), and wants to go to Tibet. I got Eric work under my landlord like that *snaps fingers* and we both had dinner at my house (along with Erin! Good god, the Metrosexual's back! And he's caught something from drinking too much! (did I get that right, Erin?) ), after that, we left my house and, although I was planning on sleeping over at Meghannraye's for the night (we were planning on bicycle riding in the morning), watched a movie. There, I learned Eric's history of Pennsylvania-ness (Transylvania in disguise? You know that the vampires are the true leaders of our nation, right?), how his girlfriend is yet another tarot card reader, and so forth.
I left before the movie even reached its half point, since it was getting late and I had to crash at Meg's house. I bizzed all the way to Loleta, fell asleep for 10 hours at her house (after being awake for only 10 hours), and, because of the weather, had breakfast at Hoyler's instead (I think I spelled that wrong!).
I had more weird dreams.
I had one involving a board game dealing with Super Mario Brothers (the original 1985 version, baby!), specifically world 1-2 (I used to play that level over and over and over and over when I was 5. I know only one other level, so don't think i'm that geekish!). You rolled dice to determine what to do. Being a board game with lots of tokens to put on, It turned into a battle full of marios and stuff: me and my friends vs. my brother. Weird? You bet!
Another dream involved me hanging out with Meghannraye at my house. I felt hungry, and it was 4 in the morning, so I left for WinCo to get food. When I got there, the clock said 9:30 -- which, due to my dream logic, meant the clock was 90 minutes fast and it was 7:00. According to my dream, 7:00 was when I had to be to work. I was late! So, I ran into WinCo, got a muffin, came out, and Meghannraye was there in her car to take me to work at blazingly fast speed. A blizzard was falling in Eureka (which doesn't happen in this coastal town) and so she was spinning everywhere. She decided to go to the left of Samoa bridge (covered in 4 feet of snow), which, in my dream, was a ramp full of junk machinery -- and a dropoff point (it was like a new lane being added to the samoa bridge, but not. Just saying that to give the right idea). I told her to stop, and we barely stopped before the dropoff point. The car had flipped, and I got out, lifted her Pontiac Sunfire over my head, and threw it on the ground, right-side-up. I got out into the snow, walking to work (it's 9 miles from the point i was at), seeing people scraping snow from their cars with their hands.
Woke up again.
16 bit western songs. Now those are good tunes!
You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun,
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One-A3, introduced to me by Paul, long before those silly Saprono people ever used it as their song (silly Sopranos! Still haven't seen your show!)
D.
Saturday, July 10
Baa Ram You!
I wished I lived in one of these buildings -- I've thought that, when I get rich, I'll build me a house similar in appearance. At least that'd be an awesome dream to turn into a goal...
Anyway, after eating a huge meal and sleeping 6 hours, I woke up early in the morning with messages strewn all across my answering machine. I quickly showered, and then waited for 10 minutes, when Meghannraye finally made it. We decided that, if we were going to go into Arcata, we should act like the locals, so we stocked up on $20 of quarters, and a whole bunch of pennies, and set out for Golden Harvest.
The food, as usual, was awesome. I got my corn flake french toast and she got her baja omelette. While eating and talking, I dreamed of creating a weapon that would shoot pennies at bums. I'd give them the change they justly deserve! Its effects would be similar to a rubber bullet gun...
Later, I took a roll of pennies and put it on the ground, watching it roll down the hill. I was hoping some bum would find it, but after a couple of minutes, I got so impatient that I ran the roll of coins over with my car, hoping to spill the pennies everywhere and make the find more noticeable.
Yeah, I was being an odd duck!
After having that massive meal 6.5 hours before filling up at Golden Harvest (note: the massive meal had food that is good for the body), I had to run off to Hunan Village to eat some more. By the time I was through, I was so stuffed that I was being taunted to eat a grain of rice by other japanese students -- and I couldn't. I was sick.
By the time I got out of that meal, I was bursting at the seams, AND had somehow managed to become the bearer of rides to japanese class on Sundays. I now transport 3 people - 1 girl and 2 guys - AND got myself into doing 2 sessions of japanese.
Pretty nifty, huh?
So, while at work, I had a sandwich and carrot cake, 4 hours after being completely full, and felt like my stomach had turned to iron. Later, as the night's crazy patient roster wore down, I was served "barbecue beer-butt chicken" whereby beer is used to keep the chicken tender. The alcohol burns off, and the beer doesn't leave any noticeable taste. It's good! (my dad made it. What's more, I've heard rumors of its goodness rippling through the hospital staff).
About the patients: We had so many drunk people come in, it was nutty. People shouting, running through the halls, police chasing, people getting close to seriously wounded motor vehicle accident people when they shouldn't, and lots of naked people. Yay.
"How long is it gonna be before I'm seen?"
"If you go 3 doors down, and ring the doorbell, a nurse will come out and give you an estimate"
That's my recorded line.
Anyway, I'm freeking TIRED. I could talk about the things I dealt with, and the topics talked about earlier today (since it appears I can turn ordinary topics into interesting topics... though that's just my opinion), but I have to go grind wood with a chipper and chainsaw. YEHAW!
A rule of thumb about poker: If you don't find any suckers competing when you look around the table, Get up, you're the sucker
D.
Anyway, after eating a huge meal and sleeping 6 hours, I woke up early in the morning with messages strewn all across my answering machine. I quickly showered, and then waited for 10 minutes, when Meghannraye finally made it. We decided that, if we were going to go into Arcata, we should act like the locals, so we stocked up on $20 of quarters, and a whole bunch of pennies, and set out for Golden Harvest.
The food, as usual, was awesome. I got my corn flake french toast and she got her baja omelette. While eating and talking, I dreamed of creating a weapon that would shoot pennies at bums. I'd give them the change they justly deserve! Its effects would be similar to a rubber bullet gun...
Later, I took a roll of pennies and put it on the ground, watching it roll down the hill. I was hoping some bum would find it, but after a couple of minutes, I got so impatient that I ran the roll of coins over with my car, hoping to spill the pennies everywhere and make the find more noticeable.
Yeah, I was being an odd duck!
After having that massive meal 6.5 hours before filling up at Golden Harvest (note: the massive meal had food that is good for the body), I had to run off to Hunan Village to eat some more. By the time I was through, I was so stuffed that I was being taunted to eat a grain of rice by other japanese students -- and I couldn't. I was sick.
By the time I got out of that meal, I was bursting at the seams, AND had somehow managed to become the bearer of rides to japanese class on Sundays. I now transport 3 people - 1 girl and 2 guys - AND got myself into doing 2 sessions of japanese.
Pretty nifty, huh?
So, while at work, I had a sandwich and carrot cake, 4 hours after being completely full, and felt like my stomach had turned to iron. Later, as the night's crazy patient roster wore down, I was served "barbecue beer-butt chicken" whereby beer is used to keep the chicken tender. The alcohol burns off, and the beer doesn't leave any noticeable taste. It's good! (my dad made it. What's more, I've heard rumors of its goodness rippling through the hospital staff).
About the patients: We had so many drunk people come in, it was nutty. People shouting, running through the halls, police chasing, people getting close to seriously wounded motor vehicle accident people when they shouldn't, and lots of naked people. Yay.
"How long is it gonna be before I'm seen?"
"If you go 3 doors down, and ring the doorbell, a nurse will come out and give you an estimate"
That's my recorded line.
Anyway, I'm freeking TIRED. I could talk about the things I dealt with, and the topics talked about earlier today (since it appears I can turn ordinary topics into interesting topics... though that's just my opinion), but I have to go grind wood with a chipper and chainsaw. YEHAW!
A rule of thumb about poker: If you don't find any suckers competing when you look around the table, Get up, you're the sucker
D.
Friday, July 9
Quartz Extreme!
Ah, another day, another large hunk o' time spent at work reading books. We had a whole bunch of fun dealing with chronic (chronic revolution!) patients. Chest Pain... Chest Pain... 5150 ('had to be restrained' code)... chest pain... hard to breathe... bloody lip...
I got a lot of free time, though. This job truly is conducive for school, and I'm glad I got it.
So, I got home, and went for my run again. This time, when I wanted to quit running, I just kept going, hoping to shatter my running barrier and get the runners high that I used to get when I'd run all the time and would keep me running all day long.
I got it! Though I still hurt quite a bit. I have missed that high so much... sounding like a druggie here! Once I got over the hurdle and just kept going, I felt like a bulldozer with infinite gas -- I felt big, strong, and like I could just go forever!
Seriously, most people who haven't stuck with exercising long enough really ought to know about the endorphins part. I think it's what keeps people who regularly exercising from quitting.
Although I could've kept going, I stopped just before taco bell. I didn't want to deeply inhale all that garbage that I smell whenever I pass it, and so I slowed down and caught my breath a bit before plunging near the stink that is... Taco Bell.
There's a thing about all the taco bells in the Eureka/Arcata/Fortuna area. I've had a lot of complaints of back injuries from the employees of the company (who is 1 person) that owns and operates them. Kids younger and older than me have come to the hospital with terrible back pain -- in their uniforms -- and, on the worker's comp form, it's always the same company (which is somebody's name. Can't disclose it!)
Don't work for Taco Bell! I have seen bad, and it is there! (and some other businesses, as well. But Taco Bell moreso than others!)
Anyway, not too much has been happening as late. A lot of learning has gone on, without a doubt, but that comes at the expense of action! I have been talking to lots of people, yes, but is it interesting? Maybe not. Maybe I'll share a little teeny tiny bit...
I found Ken at SafeWay in McKinleyville (this area is small town, I swear! Wherever I go, there's always someone I've done stuff with, lurking), and we talked about Evan for a bit. We agreed on how Evan is falling is having serious attitude problems as of late, and we have been trying to figure out how to help him. The problem is money. He's so broke, because he bought that car. It's a billion times better than the bomb he used to have, but it's over his head in cost (like I've said a billion times). Evan has gotten so sensitive... I've tried not talking to him because I have wanted to spare myself any accidental chiding he may give me. But that's just compounding his problems. He needs support. Me and Ken know.
Ken hasn't really been talking to anyone. He just keeps going to work, going home, sleeping, getting up, doing the same thing over and over. His life isn't progressing much different than that. No new people, he doesn't talk to his friends, etc.
Ken's a great guy, to be sure, but rarely seen. Its been well over 6 weeks since I last saw him, and we were playing D&D (it was my first time. I don't play D&D that much, btw. Actually, I try to do just a little bit of everything (jack of all trades, master of none?)). Evan was the DM, and it was his first time. Ken was appalled at how we had everything pre-generated -- even the character names (except mine. Sland the thief! Ha!), and he didn't like using a module. Evan, being in a very vunerable point in his life, felt pretty crappy about that (especially since, because he hadn't seen Ken in a long time, whatever Ken says has a long lasting effect).
Me and Ken need to work and fix up Evan. Problem is that we don't want to get used (Evan does that sometimes. I think it's just his inherent nature) It always takes work, even in the face of punishment, to fix things...
I've noticed that if I quit working on people, the relationship between me and them starts to break down. I have to continually make maintenance checks, and talk to people, or it all falls down (to a point, of course). It's always work, work, work. I have so much to do... I think I may have said it before, but there's just too many people to deal with anymore. What's more, there's other people that I meet that have serious potential of being good people to deal with, but I just don't have time to even formulate those relationships. I feel, though, that maybe I should start those relationships up and leave the old ones hanging, since I can deal with them later, and these "new" people may run off somewhere, leaving me with a lost chance.
As stated before, whenever I stop dealing with people, they feel like I'm giving them the cold shoulder, and slink off into nothingness with regards to me...
Bah! I want to talk more about it! But I just realized that I have to go meet Meghannraye at 10 to eat my all-time favorite breakfast meal -- cornflaked french toast w/ copious amounts of ground up raspberry (of the real sort, not corn syrup), as well as I have a back-to-back event with the Japanese class eating at Hunan Village (their usual eating spot whenever they celebrate the end of a semester) at noon! Lots of food, lots of filling! Lots of money spent on events! (I think spending money on people and events is a good idea. You get so much more out of it. Money is just a key for unlocking experiences. You don't really need any to unlock it, but it helps. Create lasting memories. Isn't that all that matters?)
I should also mention that I just filled myself up with really good tacos that I made full of good vegetables, high quality olive oil, and awesome seasonings. I will be stuffed when I wake up, and stuffed when I go to work. AAAHHH!!!!
I do have some problems with D&D, by the way, that i'd like to address. It can be extremely fun, but, well, it has lots of problems and I must sleep now and I haven't played it in quite a long time now. Ok I must go to sleep now yes!
(pre-done quote time! (created before I filled in the body of the post))
Necropolis! Er, Metropolis!-me
You know what? That quote sucks.
But we're running out of time! C'mon! We're wasting so much right now!-Trevor, between every few sentences, after taking caffeine pills
That's MUCH MUCH better! (seal of approval! *Thumbs up!*)
D.
I got a lot of free time, though. This job truly is conducive for school, and I'm glad I got it.
So, I got home, and went for my run again. This time, when I wanted to quit running, I just kept going, hoping to shatter my running barrier and get the runners high that I used to get when I'd run all the time and would keep me running all day long.
I got it! Though I still hurt quite a bit. I have missed that high so much... sounding like a druggie here! Once I got over the hurdle and just kept going, I felt like a bulldozer with infinite gas -- I felt big, strong, and like I could just go forever!
Seriously, most people who haven't stuck with exercising long enough really ought to know about the endorphins part. I think it's what keeps people who regularly exercising from quitting.
Although I could've kept going, I stopped just before taco bell. I didn't want to deeply inhale all that garbage that I smell whenever I pass it, and so I slowed down and caught my breath a bit before plunging near the stink that is... Taco Bell.
There's a thing about all the taco bells in the Eureka/Arcata/Fortuna area. I've had a lot of complaints of back injuries from the employees of the company (who is 1 person) that owns and operates them. Kids younger and older than me have come to the hospital with terrible back pain -- in their uniforms -- and, on the worker's comp form, it's always the same company (which is somebody's name. Can't disclose it!)
Don't work for Taco Bell! I have seen bad, and it is there! (and some other businesses, as well. But Taco Bell moreso than others!)
Anyway, not too much has been happening as late. A lot of learning has gone on, without a doubt, but that comes at the expense of action! I have been talking to lots of people, yes, but is it interesting? Maybe not. Maybe I'll share a little teeny tiny bit...
I found Ken at SafeWay in McKinleyville (this area is small town, I swear! Wherever I go, there's always someone I've done stuff with, lurking), and we talked about Evan for a bit. We agreed on how Evan is falling is having serious attitude problems as of late, and we have been trying to figure out how to help him. The problem is money. He's so broke, because he bought that car. It's a billion times better than the bomb he used to have, but it's over his head in cost (like I've said a billion times). Evan has gotten so sensitive... I've tried not talking to him because I have wanted to spare myself any accidental chiding he may give me. But that's just compounding his problems. He needs support. Me and Ken know.
Ken hasn't really been talking to anyone. He just keeps going to work, going home, sleeping, getting up, doing the same thing over and over. His life isn't progressing much different than that. No new people, he doesn't talk to his friends, etc.
Ken's a great guy, to be sure, but rarely seen. Its been well over 6 weeks since I last saw him, and we were playing D&D (it was my first time. I don't play D&D that much, btw. Actually, I try to do just a little bit of everything (jack of all trades, master of none?)). Evan was the DM, and it was his first time. Ken was appalled at how we had everything pre-generated -- even the character names (except mine. Sland the thief! Ha!), and he didn't like using a module. Evan, being in a very vunerable point in his life, felt pretty crappy about that (especially since, because he hadn't seen Ken in a long time, whatever Ken says has a long lasting effect).
Me and Ken need to work and fix up Evan. Problem is that we don't want to get used (Evan does that sometimes. I think it's just his inherent nature) It always takes work, even in the face of punishment, to fix things...
I've noticed that if I quit working on people, the relationship between me and them starts to break down. I have to continually make maintenance checks, and talk to people, or it all falls down (to a point, of course). It's always work, work, work. I have so much to do... I think I may have said it before, but there's just too many people to deal with anymore. What's more, there's other people that I meet that have serious potential of being good people to deal with, but I just don't have time to even formulate those relationships. I feel, though, that maybe I should start those relationships up and leave the old ones hanging, since I can deal with them later, and these "new" people may run off somewhere, leaving me with a lost chance.
As stated before, whenever I stop dealing with people, they feel like I'm giving them the cold shoulder, and slink off into nothingness with regards to me...
Bah! I want to talk more about it! But I just realized that I have to go meet Meghannraye at 10 to eat my all-time favorite breakfast meal -- cornflaked french toast w/ copious amounts of ground up raspberry (of the real sort, not corn syrup), as well as I have a back-to-back event with the Japanese class eating at Hunan Village (their usual eating spot whenever they celebrate the end of a semester) at noon! Lots of food, lots of filling! Lots of money spent on events! (I think spending money on people and events is a good idea. You get so much more out of it. Money is just a key for unlocking experiences. You don't really need any to unlock it, but it helps. Create lasting memories. Isn't that all that matters?)
I should also mention that I just filled myself up with really good tacos that I made full of good vegetables, high quality olive oil, and awesome seasonings. I will be stuffed when I wake up, and stuffed when I go to work. AAAHHH!!!!
I do have some problems with D&D, by the way, that i'd like to address. It can be extremely fun, but, well, it has lots of problems and I must sleep now and I haven't played it in quite a long time now. Ok I must go to sleep now yes!
(pre-done quote time! (created before I filled in the body of the post))
Necropolis! Er, Metropolis!-me
You know what? That quote sucks.
But we're running out of time! C'mon! We're wasting so much right now!-Trevor, between every few sentences, after taking caffeine pills
That's MUCH MUCH better! (seal of approval! *Thumbs up!*)
D.
Thursday, July 8
Got Root?
After taking nearly 1.5 weeks to do it, I finally got Linux on the computer (and I've had plenty of nonworking time. It was just the swathe of friends that slowed me down)! But, it wasn't easy when I was getting it on. The distro that I decided on uses 4 discs. I burned all 4 of them, but when I got to disc 3 I found, to my sheer dismay, that it had not been burnt!
I tried to get the copy of my father's computer, but his computer kept crashing (What is with me and my luck with Windows machines lately???) So, I emailed Eric for the copy. Eric to the rescue! He left a copy on his porch, which I scooped up and installed, after leaving the computer on the "Insert Disc 3 to Continue" for 2 days...
I have missed using the middle mouse button to open things, and I had forgotten how rich the text font is! Now all I got to do is remember all the filing stuff, and I'll be set... (Hmm... let's enable the 'dvorak' keyboard setting...)
I'm a little pissed off that this distro came with the mp3 codec taken off due to patent issues, but I'll find a way around it (even if I have to convert everything to ogg vorbis!)
To console me while I go looking for what I need to get music back up, I will play with Mr. Potato Guy! Or maybe Tux Racer.
Anyway, I have 9 minutes till I have to go to work. Where did the time go? Last night I looked at the clock and BAM! it was 3:30 in the morning. I did do plenty of stuff, but I didn't think that it would fly like that.
I have been restructuring my life, based around my influences. At work, I have so much free time that I read. I feel that spending my time reading is way more efficient than surfing the web when I get that free time at work, and so I read.
I haven't sat down and read books in a long time. Doing this has sparked my interest in books again, and I find myself reading at home! Now, don't get any ideas and think that I didn't read much before, because the large majority of all my websurfing was reading (I still get hooked on reading every now and again). It's just that I never read from books (books used to give me this painful kink in my neck, and the brightness of the text was never as good as the brightness of a CRT)
But now I'm back to reading.
While work has been influencing my reading hobby in the positive, Paul and Trevor have inspired me enough to get out and run like I should. Every midnight I run all the way to the world's tallest totem pole and back. Every night has been gorgeous. One night the fog came in and, with all the artificial lighting, an eerie luminosity besettled McKinleyville. It was gorgeous.
Whenever I get out there and run, I hit a couple of very dark areas, and the sky is just illuminated with the stars. I keep wishing that I had bought a telescope a long time ago. I should go find Paul and get him to meet up for star gazing, since he has a good one, though I keep forgetting. In the meantime, with the pretty stars and my run, I'm able to think about many things...
So far, the moon has been out during my runs and boy is it huge! Because of the direction of my run, I keep thinking that I'm running "to get to the moon". Though that's impossible, it's made me think that that may be a good plot for an anime...
Whereby a kid who is taunted by his father all the time is, one day, tricked by his father into thinking that all his wishes will be granted if he can make it to the moon. The father is teasing, thinking he'll give up and come back, but the kid just keeps running. On his way, he befriends a lot of people, takes on a few others, and finds out the true secret of the moon (it turns out there's a bridge to the moon, if he makes it...)
The kid doesn't stop running, though he gets a sideache in the beginning of the series.
Also, I run on an empty stomach, and some nights I'm hungry. I keep thinking about what I'll make at home, and then think of what it'd be like to be on Iron Chef.
I think i'd make the judges go hungry for 1.5 days and then go on a long and physical run. I'd tell them that that's the spice I need... Hunger...
I think I'd win if I did that. Even if I fed them nothing but stewed tree bark and dirt, the spicing would mask everything!
Yeah it's sickening.
Also, on second thought, I think that the time is flying by because I don't have the sun to help me keep track of what's going on. It's nice but annoying at the same time.
Example: at work, I thought I had 2 hours of work left, but there was actually 10 minutes left! Shock! Shock!
Yeah.
One more thing: In September I should be moving into Richard's house. My dad is feeling like he can't stay here any longer (the pay is crappy for a nurse here, though It's a good wage! He just wants Bay area wage) and so I have to pay for my own rent. Richard is cheapest, and I'll get utilities and meals paid for. Me and Richard have really come to an understanding on what's ok and what's not, so I think I'll be just fine there.
Plus, being at his house will reinforce my japanese language learning.
I feel that teaching is, at least for now, the most effective way of learning. So much learning goes on when you teach somebody. The student catches things you never thought to consider. So, secretly, I have been wanting to be a teacher for a long time now.
My dad wants me to continue and get a degree in Radiology. "This will be the first of many degrees that you'll have", he says.
But I think I'd like Japanese language to be the first of many instead.
All I need to do is get that associates (or maybe not even that! Though I plan on getting it) and I can whisk myself away to Japan.
Goot rot?-what I originally typed as the title
D.
I tried to get the copy of my father's computer, but his computer kept crashing (What is with me and my luck with Windows machines lately???) So, I emailed Eric for the copy. Eric to the rescue! He left a copy on his porch, which I scooped up and installed, after leaving the computer on the "Insert Disc 3 to Continue" for 2 days...
I have missed using the middle mouse button to open things, and I had forgotten how rich the text font is! Now all I got to do is remember all the filing stuff, and I'll be set... (Hmm... let's enable the 'dvorak' keyboard setting...)
I'm a little pissed off that this distro came with the mp3 codec taken off due to patent issues, but I'll find a way around it (even if I have to convert everything to ogg vorbis!)
To console me while I go looking for what I need to get music back up, I will play with Mr. Potato Guy! Or maybe Tux Racer.
Anyway, I have 9 minutes till I have to go to work. Where did the time go? Last night I looked at the clock and BAM! it was 3:30 in the morning. I did do plenty of stuff, but I didn't think that it would fly like that.
I have been restructuring my life, based around my influences. At work, I have so much free time that I read. I feel that spending my time reading is way more efficient than surfing the web when I get that free time at work, and so I read.
I haven't sat down and read books in a long time. Doing this has sparked my interest in books again, and I find myself reading at home! Now, don't get any ideas and think that I didn't read much before, because the large majority of all my websurfing was reading (I still get hooked on reading every now and again). It's just that I never read from books (books used to give me this painful kink in my neck, and the brightness of the text was never as good as the brightness of a CRT)
But now I'm back to reading.
While work has been influencing my reading hobby in the positive, Paul and Trevor have inspired me enough to get out and run like I should. Every midnight I run all the way to the world's tallest totem pole and back. Every night has been gorgeous. One night the fog came in and, with all the artificial lighting, an eerie luminosity besettled McKinleyville. It was gorgeous.
Whenever I get out there and run, I hit a couple of very dark areas, and the sky is just illuminated with the stars. I keep wishing that I had bought a telescope a long time ago. I should go find Paul and get him to meet up for star gazing, since he has a good one, though I keep forgetting. In the meantime, with the pretty stars and my run, I'm able to think about many things...
So far, the moon has been out during my runs and boy is it huge! Because of the direction of my run, I keep thinking that I'm running "to get to the moon". Though that's impossible, it's made me think that that may be a good plot for an anime...
Whereby a kid who is taunted by his father all the time is, one day, tricked by his father into thinking that all his wishes will be granted if he can make it to the moon. The father is teasing, thinking he'll give up and come back, but the kid just keeps running. On his way, he befriends a lot of people, takes on a few others, and finds out the true secret of the moon (it turns out there's a bridge to the moon, if he makes it...)
The kid doesn't stop running, though he gets a sideache in the beginning of the series.
Also, I run on an empty stomach, and some nights I'm hungry. I keep thinking about what I'll make at home, and then think of what it'd be like to be on Iron Chef.
I think i'd make the judges go hungry for 1.5 days and then go on a long and physical run. I'd tell them that that's the spice I need... Hunger...
I think I'd win if I did that. Even if I fed them nothing but stewed tree bark and dirt, the spicing would mask everything!
Yeah it's sickening.
Also, on second thought, I think that the time is flying by because I don't have the sun to help me keep track of what's going on. It's nice but annoying at the same time.
Example: at work, I thought I had 2 hours of work left, but there was actually 10 minutes left! Shock! Shock!
Yeah.
One more thing: In September I should be moving into Richard's house. My dad is feeling like he can't stay here any longer (the pay is crappy for a nurse here, though It's a good wage! He just wants Bay area wage) and so I have to pay for my own rent. Richard is cheapest, and I'll get utilities and meals paid for. Me and Richard have really come to an understanding on what's ok and what's not, so I think I'll be just fine there.
Plus, being at his house will reinforce my japanese language learning.
I feel that teaching is, at least for now, the most effective way of learning. So much learning goes on when you teach somebody. The student catches things you never thought to consider. So, secretly, I have been wanting to be a teacher for a long time now.
My dad wants me to continue and get a degree in Radiology. "This will be the first of many degrees that you'll have", he says.
But I think I'd like Japanese language to be the first of many instead.
All I need to do is get that associates (or maybe not even that! Though I plan on getting it) and I can whisk myself away to Japan.
Goot rot?-what I originally typed as the title
D.
Monday, July 5
An Excess of Stimuli...
As expected, my Fourth of July went by rather well. I woke up, took a shower, checked my messages about parties that I had been invited to for the evening (I declined all but one), got on the computer... and was assaulted by people from behind. After a few laughs over movies on the computer, the now formed group went to KMart to buy isopropyl alcohol (the theme of this 4th of July), and a pesticide sprayer. Then, we went to Ray's to buy food, followed by visiting the firework stand of our choice (they all donate to "charitable" causes... but they are all horrendously expensive. Fireworks in California are so inferior and expensive...) to purchase fireworks. We picked the stand that supported McKinleyville High (over the little league one), and went home to make food (I made some pasta, as well as baked basted brio bread (I spread heated olive oil with crushed garlic all over it, prior to baking)).
After the food, our group broke up, leaving just me and Paul to mess around. We decided that video game playing would be good, though I fixed my car up and did some other things while Paul played. Even after I got done doing my tasks, I continued to not play (what with me and my disgust for video games right now). That didn't bother Paul. He just kept playing Hitman 2 on the XBox, while I read my book on the history of China (it's a fascinating read). Then, we got implorations to go join Nichole's party (which we had planned on going to)via the phone -- we were rather late. So, we went over there and had a good time.
Lots of food to eat describes the place pretty well. They didn't want leftovers so they encouraged us to eat. But, what with me and my belly full of bread and custom made pasta (it is delicious and I guarantee you that you won't find it on any menu at any restaurant!), I was soundly defeated by the food. I left the place early to go get my prized posessions, things with bearings, and found what I was looking for at Long's Drugs. That place has limited edition Humvee H2's (with glitzy showcase floor!) for $16 a piece. That would've been fun to mess up. Instead, I opted for the big, cheap plastic truck, which sold for $4, and 2 hot wheels racers (at $1 a piece). In all, it was WAY cheaper buying the reusable "launch vehicles" than it was buying tanks, though having the fuses in easily accessible spots on tanks is mighty convenient.
A lot of interesting effects happened with these new test vehicles, all ending in utter flame (since we stuck the isopropyl alcohol inside the pesticide can and would light the cars on fire with it). It was all good. But, we didn't try out very many configurations, since we took off to Trevor's house to don our Hawaiian shirts and Farmer's hats for the great celebration of Arcata (if you can call it that). Then, everyone took caffeine pills (I think some people took multiple caffeine pills, but I only took one since I've been drinking coffee quite a bit but haven't had coffee in 2 days. I was only trying to counteraffect the caffeine withdrawal effect. I hate abusing my body) As we waltzed to the place where we wanted to watch the big fireworks, we showed off with the isopropyl can by creating a flamethrower effect with the lighter in front. Most of the time, we would spray the flame that shot out like a flame thrower to create more flame, so the flame would move across and last a long time. "Chasing the flame with the iso-can" was a major theme. So was lighting our hands on fire (which was another common theme. Isopropyl doesn't burn very hot, so you can have fire hands). We sought out to impress, and did lots of fun, rather wild things. Then, we watched the fireworks.
The Arcata fireworks were ok. This year I didn't attend my usual fireworks viewing point, which is the Samoa Bridge, and kind of wished I had stuck with my plan of going back to that point. The fireworks in Eureka started before the Arcata ones did, as well as ended much later. Also, there's a strange kind of effect that I get when watching the fireworks on Samoa Bridge. There's few people there, so I'm practically all alone to watch, the fireworks are far enough away to take it all in but not so far that you feel removed from it all, and it all in all creates this sort of "reflecting" moment for me. I kind of feel like my new year is on the 4th of July. I reflect back to everything and my accomplishments. It's my favorite holiday, without a doubt.
Anyway, after the fireworks were done we let loose as we walked back to the car, kicking burning clumps of fireworks others had set off and torching the road quite a bit with our iso-can. Then, our party broke off as the girls left, and the rest of us guys were left to find parties to attend.
I should note right now that I actively did not want to join the other parties that I had been invited to (Meghannraye's party in Loleta, Sara's party with her energetic friends, Adrienne's party at Jeriah's house). I just don't want to mix it all up.
So, we drove around to various blocks in Arcata, shooting burning isopropyl alcohol out the side of the window (illegal? Yes. I didn't do it! Personally, I think that's below the belt of our obnoxiousness, but whatever), hollering sentences loudly, and waving this American flag that someone brought along like mad at people (of course, i'm not that pleased with our government (I'm not patriotic at all), but I think it would've been funnier to wave a confederate flag and pretend that we were rednecks. Burn the confederate flag? (My United States of Whatever!))
So, after a while of crazy driving, we got out and started upstaging other firework shows with our iso-can, and powdered flour thrown on the flame(yes, flour ignites voraciously! Did you know that flour mills used to explode? My 8th grade class was shown the power of flour when the teacher whipped out this HUGE syringe full of the stuff over a bunsen burner. That class (and the other middle school science courses) are some of the reasons why I was so stuck on science back then. We did cool stuff. Not crap stuff). Also, we threw flour at eachother. Good fun.
After that, we searched for another member to join our party, and found him much later. Then, after not finding any parties to go to (booyahh), and a lot of driving in a full car (with lots of wrong turns on highways and stuff, as well as doing crazy donuts to the tune of fast tempo'ed classical music (Classical music was the first sort of music that I loved)), we went to clam beach and joined up with Cle' and some other girls.
The stars were really out tonight... it was beautiful. I always forget how much I love the stars.
Anyway, we tried to ditch Cle', but instead agreed to run off to the other clam beach access point, since there were so many people there and a party was definitely possible. After we stopped, the trunk was opened and people started pulling out illegal fireworks, while waving them around in some sort of crazy fashion -- only to see that a highway patrolman (or was it Trinidad police) was driving by with their spotlight on. I was so surprised... but, in some sort of remarkable feat, everyone hid them behind their backs or in the dark.
Though, I think we were caught. But, there were so many people at the beach (and only one patrol car... I think the budget cuts had something to do with that) that I don't think the cop could do anything. Moreover, a lot of illegal fireworks were shot in the air at that spot, so I think it would've been dangerous for the policeman to try to stop anybody.
Anyway, we walked down the beach a ways, when one of us fell into the river embankment of Clam Beach... he was the one with all the fireworks... he was drenched and miserable. So, that effectively cancelled our illegal fireworks plan. We all piled into the car and sped off to adjourn for the night. And now, I'm back here...
It was an ok time tonight. A lot time was wasted, yes, and the isopropyl effect wore off on us real fast (though i think we got tired of fire). We only kept shooting isopropyl because we wanted to impress people (which we did). A lot of people said that the second half of the party was kind of crappy, since our plans kept getting foiled, and yeah, they're right. It was kind of boring.
* Looking in retrospect of the paragraphs: Damn. Sounds so negative! I don't mean it negative. Just keep in mind that I value the time that I share with people. I'm glad I did the things I did. And now, back to my blogging bit*
I thought quite a bit in that car. I realized that hanging out with all these people wasn't making me feel fulfilled. I think it's important to mingle with friends, but I think I have had an overdose of friends, especially lately. I've been spending so much time sitting with people in cars. I'm sick of sitting in cars. I'm tired of talking with people, hanging out in the moment. I want to always have a new learning experience or meaning understood when I hang out. That can't always be the case, of course, and who's to say that I didn't learn anything new or gain a meaning hanging out with them? Maybe it was just not a desirable meaning.
Again, having too much entertainment without working and growing has made my life feel somewhat lacking. People definitely want me in their group, but if I don't spend some of my time earning my dues and building myself up, i'm just setting myself up for falling behind.
Feeling discontent with entertainment is just the motivational tool that I need to pick myself up out of this lazy mess!
some bothersome scenarios plagued me as I forged on ahead with my plannings of my future in that car. The guy sitting next to me, the guy with all the illegal fireworks (bless his soul!), had been drinking, and kept talking about girls and getting them to show you things when drunk at parties, and stuff. I felt KIND OF uncomfortable by it all. I mean, whatever, I don't think it's good nor bad to be pulling that kind of stuff if no one's getting hurt. I'm rather indifferent to it, except that I'm way too shy and modest to ever pull that off myself (it's sleazy). And then I wondered about me talking to PM about religion once again during my time at breakfast club, when he was prepositioning me to convert to his religion, Elvis UNDERGROUND, and how I can't ever join a religion because it just doesn't feel right... how I'm a rather model citizen, with outstanding morals, without religion... how I have been so screwed up with the way I thought about women in the past, how sexual orientation is such a screwed up thing in our society... how most of the people I hang around are women these days. I hang around with a LOT of women... How potential problems of people hanging around me erupt...
I think I should explain each thought topic here. (Damn. It's 2:20 in the morning, and I reek of sulfur from all the fireworks. I'd like to make this quick, but I can't. I just... can't.)
I've been getting pressured by plenty of individuals into doing their religion. I just don't feel right in joining anything. I try to live my life good (as I would define it), and in some respects it's mormonistic (there's plenty of exceptions under certain situations, though. I should also note that my mormonistic attitude has held me back in some respects). I just try to be a true and honest person, and I also try to understand all angles of the situation, and to share how I feel to others, to try to communicate without being angry.
I don't anger easily, of course. It's a rare thing. I find that most people that get upset or just plain hate just don't understand what it is they're angry or hateful (at) from the others' perspective. Everything's got a little bit of value, it behooves you to find and understand it.
I also try to express things to people when something isn't right. Generally, I don't ignore problems because they usually create more problems, and it's just a terrible deal all around for me. A good analogy of problems is machines. You have machines all over the place, and eventually one will break somewhere, and you have to fix it to stop the break from affecting the other machines. Getting mad at the broken machine isn't going to fix it; it might even cause more damage. What's the point in getting angry? Fix the machine! Fix your life!
I really don't have religion. Some nights, I pray, feeling as though it can't hurt anything to ask for wishes to be granted, and other times I get nutty ideas with religion. For example:
Sometimes I get a nutty idea that we all use some sort of metaphysical force to guide our futures. The metaphysical force will only influence what you want it to influence over a given time, but it ultimately cannot control what happens. It cannot stop a car accident that's about to happen, but it can help influence the driver that makes it's wishes known to turn the car at such an angle to reduce potential damage that the driver wants (whether the driver wants his car to have smaller car damage but loss of limbs or a totalled car and his/her body fine is up to the driver at the split moment when s/he makes his/her wishes known in the mind). Also, everyone is trying to influence the future. Realistically, then, agendas will collide, with events happening from one person's agenda that "knocks the wind out" of another's agenda (including death))
There's no evidence that this really exists, and it's just a crazy idea that's fun to think about.
As long as I'm still alive, I'll keep doing what I do; doing the things that I feel are right in my heart. That's my nature in any case.
Anyway, on to the next topic. Screwed up with acting around women. I've made plenty of progress in the past 2 years, but ever since I was 13 I got screwed up ideas about women (maybe from following mormonism, and from that drawing my own weird conclusions. BE WARNED. I have screwed myself up in the past by drawing my own conclusions). All the way up till I was 17, I thought they were gods that you shouldn't talk to, that should do all the work to meet you, how they were perfect in every respect.
But after straightening myself out by finally throwing myself in all kinds of crazy situations with women, I've found that women are so similar to men.
I'm walking a tight, tight rope by talking about this topic. I'd like to readvise the reader that I'M NOT GAY, and that I've just been trying to be insightful and unbiased with my analyzations
It's kind of odd how society has two groupings of men and women. How the groups really stay separate by gender, no matter what. They really aren't that different.
I'm very certain that society could be quite androgynous if it chose to be. This division by gender is unnecessary. We should group people as HUMANS, and not MAN or WOMAN. To love a person is to love a person, nothing more! Why can't you love a person for who they are? Simply because they're the same gender? I have found that both sides have slightly different difficulties, merely based upon what society has burdened upon them (with expectations and such), but on the whole both sides are seeking the same things. If you raised women in the dominant male position, I'm certain they'd exhibit "male" difficulties (such as fighting to be the alpha person during growth).
There may also be slight differences from hormones (this person has testosterone, so they must be aggressive. Blah blah), though i think that's a lot of horse hockey. If people cry, it's because they were 1) raised, and taught that it was ok to cry, 2) chose to cry at their discretion, building an affinity towards crying, and, possibly, 3) were raised and taught that it's not ok to not cry (of course, that sounds absurd, but think about it. It's possible).
Same thing with everything else. The guiding hand of learning helps shape people, but they must start forming their own patterns of behavior to follow. To a certain extent, everyone has patterns. Everyone has patterns of behavior that they learned and continue to implement.
I used to want to get out of the pattern of behaviour idea after coming up with the idea back in 2001. I wanted to bust out of my patterns, to always be a different person. I started it by not playing video games (that was a big habit that I had), and changed everything from there. I succeeded in deconstructing everything about me, just like I had when I went from being some sort of proto-preppy in 6th grade to nerd, but it was utter chaos at it's finest... and it was beautiful. Watch me forge myself anew, seeing myself grow into a (somewhat) different person... though you can never completely change who you are...
Since the time that I broke out of my nerd patterns, A BIG pattern of behaviour that continues to linger is that I break everything down and build something new from time to time. I am still shackled to patterns of behavior, on small short-time scales, as well as scales spanning months and years. It's only natural.
I could keep going on... but I digressed really bad.
I just want to say that, with humans, the concept of man and women really don't mean anything to me anymore (other than information for the doctor if you hurt your privates!) It's all psychological.
They say that women are slightly bisexual. Society is fine with this. Yet, men are fearful and disgusted with the idea of being with other men (I am a victim of this. I could change myself, just like I could change anything about me, but that would go against a core Darrel self-belief). This needn't be the case. A person is a person. Why can't you love people for whom they are and not for what they are?
However, because of how long-lasting tradition and culture works, I don't think there will be a day where gender will be of no significance, like how racial color doesn't really matter anymore (at least in small towns that are not in the "Dixieland").
I think that there will be very significant progress in the future in breaking down the gender barrier. If government imposes laws on its citizens that force the citizens to group together as one seething mass of people in some way, then I think that the gender barrier will be nearly completely broken down. But, It would take a very long time before the cultural tradition of being in groups with people of the same gender (at least at younger ages) is destroyed.
Next topic: I've been hanging around SO many women these days. Sometimes with other males around. usually not, though. For someone who used to have such a hard time even getting in the presence of women, it's been a very reassuring comforter. Women at work, women who call me, women who set up days to hang out, women who introduce me to new things... I throw this out here for my personal benefit, by the way, because I want to remember the key topics, figure out why I have so many friends in the woman dept. Honestly, I've been analyzing as much as I can, and I think I've figured out what's going on. Is it because I talk to them about how I feel, and also drawing parallels that they agree with?
It's still under investigation. I tell myself I should leave good things alone, for I may ruin them. But my advice is no good to myself. I never listen.
Anyways, problems with women. This is very preliminary, but one of the problems that I've been wondering about is what's going on when I visit Nichole's house (I think Paul should be reading this). I feel like it's creating a slight rift between "the guys", who sit in a corner and talk while looking at me (which tells me they're talking about me), and me. Nichole hangs around me quite a bit, and talks to me, and I hope nothing becomes of it other than just friendship, for I fear my friendship with the other members of the group. I still recognize that she's really close with Paul (even though Paul and her aren't boyfriend/girlfriend), and I hope it stays that way. I just... I just don't want anything to become of this. So far, nothing has happened, But each time I visit I notice some sort of plot is slowly deepening. That's cool, I suppose. I like to create interesting stories by throwing my life into odd places, but (especially with the people i'm with), I just don't want to lose friends over it. Yes, I enjoy talking to Nichole and goofing off and stuff, but in the back of my head lies unsurety. I don't want any trouble.
I also get worried with the alpha male-ness of Paul's group. I feel sort of like an outsider in a way because I want to remain independent. It's pretty apparent Trevor's the alpha male, with Paul being the Right-hand man, and the other people being unnecessary but enjoyable additions to the group, but I don't even want to be socially subservient. I always feel slightly removed from the group. I don't want to be the alpha male, so i'm not competing, but I don't want to be an underling.
For now, I've guessed that I should moderate the amount of time I hang out with them.
After the food, our group broke up, leaving just me and Paul to mess around. We decided that video game playing would be good, though I fixed my car up and did some other things while Paul played. Even after I got done doing my tasks, I continued to not play (what with me and my disgust for video games right now). That didn't bother Paul. He just kept playing Hitman 2 on the XBox, while I read my book on the history of China (it's a fascinating read). Then, we got implorations to go join Nichole's party (which we had planned on going to)via the phone -- we were rather late. So, we went over there and had a good time.
Lots of food to eat describes the place pretty well. They didn't want leftovers so they encouraged us to eat. But, what with me and my belly full of bread and custom made pasta (it is delicious and I guarantee you that you won't find it on any menu at any restaurant!), I was soundly defeated by the food. I left the place early to go get my prized posessions, things with bearings, and found what I was looking for at Long's Drugs. That place has limited edition Humvee H2's (with glitzy showcase floor!) for $16 a piece. That would've been fun to mess up. Instead, I opted for the big, cheap plastic truck, which sold for $4, and 2 hot wheels racers (at $1 a piece). In all, it was WAY cheaper buying the reusable "launch vehicles" than it was buying tanks, though having the fuses in easily accessible spots on tanks is mighty convenient.
A lot of interesting effects happened with these new test vehicles, all ending in utter flame (since we stuck the isopropyl alcohol inside the pesticide can and would light the cars on fire with it). It was all good. But, we didn't try out very many configurations, since we took off to Trevor's house to don our Hawaiian shirts and Farmer's hats for the great celebration of Arcata (if you can call it that). Then, everyone took caffeine pills (I think some people took multiple caffeine pills, but I only took one since I've been drinking coffee quite a bit but haven't had coffee in 2 days. I was only trying to counteraffect the caffeine withdrawal effect. I hate abusing my body) As we waltzed to the place where we wanted to watch the big fireworks, we showed off with the isopropyl can by creating a flamethrower effect with the lighter in front. Most of the time, we would spray the flame that shot out like a flame thrower to create more flame, so the flame would move across and last a long time. "Chasing the flame with the iso-can" was a major theme. So was lighting our hands on fire (which was another common theme. Isopropyl doesn't burn very hot, so you can have fire hands). We sought out to impress, and did lots of fun, rather wild things. Then, we watched the fireworks.
The Arcata fireworks were ok. This year I didn't attend my usual fireworks viewing point, which is the Samoa Bridge, and kind of wished I had stuck with my plan of going back to that point. The fireworks in Eureka started before the Arcata ones did, as well as ended much later. Also, there's a strange kind of effect that I get when watching the fireworks on Samoa Bridge. There's few people there, so I'm practically all alone to watch, the fireworks are far enough away to take it all in but not so far that you feel removed from it all, and it all in all creates this sort of "reflecting" moment for me. I kind of feel like my new year is on the 4th of July. I reflect back to everything and my accomplishments. It's my favorite holiday, without a doubt.
Anyway, after the fireworks were done we let loose as we walked back to the car, kicking burning clumps of fireworks others had set off and torching the road quite a bit with our iso-can. Then, our party broke off as the girls left, and the rest of us guys were left to find parties to attend.
I should note right now that I actively did not want to join the other parties that I had been invited to (Meghannraye's party in Loleta, Sara's party with her energetic friends, Adrienne's party at Jeriah's house). I just don't want to mix it all up.
So, we drove around to various blocks in Arcata, shooting burning isopropyl alcohol out the side of the window (illegal? Yes. I didn't do it! Personally, I think that's below the belt of our obnoxiousness, but whatever), hollering sentences loudly, and waving this American flag that someone brought along like mad at people (of course, i'm not that pleased with our government (I'm not patriotic at all), but I think it would've been funnier to wave a confederate flag and pretend that we were rednecks. Burn the confederate flag? (My United States of Whatever!))
So, after a while of crazy driving, we got out and started upstaging other firework shows with our iso-can, and powdered flour thrown on the flame(yes, flour ignites voraciously! Did you know that flour mills used to explode? My 8th grade class was shown the power of flour when the teacher whipped out this HUGE syringe full of the stuff over a bunsen burner. That class (and the other middle school science courses) are some of the reasons why I was so stuck on science back then. We did cool stuff. Not crap stuff). Also, we threw flour at eachother. Good fun.
After that, we searched for another member to join our party, and found him much later. Then, after not finding any parties to go to (booyahh), and a lot of driving in a full car (with lots of wrong turns on highways and stuff, as well as doing crazy donuts to the tune of fast tempo'ed classical music (Classical music was the first sort of music that I loved)), we went to clam beach and joined up with Cle' and some other girls.
The stars were really out tonight... it was beautiful. I always forget how much I love the stars.
Anyway, we tried to ditch Cle', but instead agreed to run off to the other clam beach access point, since there were so many people there and a party was definitely possible. After we stopped, the trunk was opened and people started pulling out illegal fireworks, while waving them around in some sort of crazy fashion -- only to see that a highway patrolman (or was it Trinidad police) was driving by with their spotlight on. I was so surprised... but, in some sort of remarkable feat, everyone hid them behind their backs or in the dark.
Though, I think we were caught. But, there were so many people at the beach (and only one patrol car... I think the budget cuts had something to do with that) that I don't think the cop could do anything. Moreover, a lot of illegal fireworks were shot in the air at that spot, so I think it would've been dangerous for the policeman to try to stop anybody.
Anyway, we walked down the beach a ways, when one of us fell into the river embankment of Clam Beach... he was the one with all the fireworks... he was drenched and miserable. So, that effectively cancelled our illegal fireworks plan. We all piled into the car and sped off to adjourn for the night. And now, I'm back here...
It was an ok time tonight. A lot time was wasted, yes, and the isopropyl effect wore off on us real fast (though i think we got tired of fire). We only kept shooting isopropyl because we wanted to impress people (which we did). A lot of people said that the second half of the party was kind of crappy, since our plans kept getting foiled, and yeah, they're right. It was kind of boring.
* Looking in retrospect of the paragraphs: Damn. Sounds so negative! I don't mean it negative. Just keep in mind that I value the time that I share with people. I'm glad I did the things I did. And now, back to my blogging bit*
I thought quite a bit in that car. I realized that hanging out with all these people wasn't making me feel fulfilled. I think it's important to mingle with friends, but I think I have had an overdose of friends, especially lately. I've been spending so much time sitting with people in cars. I'm sick of sitting in cars. I'm tired of talking with people, hanging out in the moment. I want to always have a new learning experience or meaning understood when I hang out. That can't always be the case, of course, and who's to say that I didn't learn anything new or gain a meaning hanging out with them? Maybe it was just not a desirable meaning.
Again, having too much entertainment without working and growing has made my life feel somewhat lacking. People definitely want me in their group, but if I don't spend some of my time earning my dues and building myself up, i'm just setting myself up for falling behind.
Feeling discontent with entertainment is just the motivational tool that I need to pick myself up out of this lazy mess!
some bothersome scenarios plagued me as I forged on ahead with my plannings of my future in that car. The guy sitting next to me, the guy with all the illegal fireworks (bless his soul!), had been drinking, and kept talking about girls and getting them to show you things when drunk at parties, and stuff. I felt KIND OF uncomfortable by it all. I mean, whatever, I don't think it's good nor bad to be pulling that kind of stuff if no one's getting hurt. I'm rather indifferent to it, except that I'm way too shy and modest to ever pull that off myself (it's sleazy). And then I wondered about me talking to PM about religion once again during my time at breakfast club, when he was prepositioning me to convert to his religion, Elvis UNDERGROUND, and how I can't ever join a religion because it just doesn't feel right... how I'm a rather model citizen, with outstanding morals, without religion... how I have been so screwed up with the way I thought about women in the past, how sexual orientation is such a screwed up thing in our society... how most of the people I hang around are women these days. I hang around with a LOT of women... How potential problems of people hanging around me erupt...
I think I should explain each thought topic here. (Damn. It's 2:20 in the morning, and I reek of sulfur from all the fireworks. I'd like to make this quick, but I can't. I just... can't.)
I've been getting pressured by plenty of individuals into doing their religion. I just don't feel right in joining anything. I try to live my life good (as I would define it), and in some respects it's mormonistic (there's plenty of exceptions under certain situations, though. I should also note that my mormonistic attitude has held me back in some respects). I just try to be a true and honest person, and I also try to understand all angles of the situation, and to share how I feel to others, to try to communicate without being angry.
I don't anger easily, of course. It's a rare thing. I find that most people that get upset or just plain hate just don't understand what it is they're angry or hateful (at) from the others' perspective. Everything's got a little bit of value, it behooves you to find and understand it.
I also try to express things to people when something isn't right. Generally, I don't ignore problems because they usually create more problems, and it's just a terrible deal all around for me. A good analogy of problems is machines. You have machines all over the place, and eventually one will break somewhere, and you have to fix it to stop the break from affecting the other machines. Getting mad at the broken machine isn't going to fix it; it might even cause more damage. What's the point in getting angry? Fix the machine! Fix your life!
I really don't have religion. Some nights, I pray, feeling as though it can't hurt anything to ask for wishes to be granted, and other times I get nutty ideas with religion. For example:
Sometimes I get a nutty idea that we all use some sort of metaphysical force to guide our futures. The metaphysical force will only influence what you want it to influence over a given time, but it ultimately cannot control what happens. It cannot stop a car accident that's about to happen, but it can help influence the driver that makes it's wishes known to turn the car at such an angle to reduce potential damage that the driver wants (whether the driver wants his car to have smaller car damage but loss of limbs or a totalled car and his/her body fine is up to the driver at the split moment when s/he makes his/her wishes known in the mind). Also, everyone is trying to influence the future. Realistically, then, agendas will collide, with events happening from one person's agenda that "knocks the wind out" of another's agenda (including death))
There's no evidence that this really exists, and it's just a crazy idea that's fun to think about.
As long as I'm still alive, I'll keep doing what I do; doing the things that I feel are right in my heart. That's my nature in any case.
Anyway, on to the next topic. Screwed up with acting around women. I've made plenty of progress in the past 2 years, but ever since I was 13 I got screwed up ideas about women (maybe from following mormonism, and from that drawing my own weird conclusions. BE WARNED. I have screwed myself up in the past by drawing my own conclusions). All the way up till I was 17, I thought they were gods that you shouldn't talk to, that should do all the work to meet you, how they were perfect in every respect.
But after straightening myself out by finally throwing myself in all kinds of crazy situations with women, I've found that women are so similar to men.
I'm walking a tight, tight rope by talking about this topic. I'd like to readvise the reader that I'M NOT GAY, and that I've just been trying to be insightful and unbiased with my analyzations
It's kind of odd how society has two groupings of men and women. How the groups really stay separate by gender, no matter what. They really aren't that different.
I'm very certain that society could be quite androgynous if it chose to be. This division by gender is unnecessary. We should group people as HUMANS, and not MAN or WOMAN. To love a person is to love a person, nothing more! Why can't you love a person for who they are? Simply because they're the same gender? I have found that both sides have slightly different difficulties, merely based upon what society has burdened upon them (with expectations and such), but on the whole both sides are seeking the same things. If you raised women in the dominant male position, I'm certain they'd exhibit "male" difficulties (such as fighting to be the alpha person during growth).
There may also be slight differences from hormones (this person has testosterone, so they must be aggressive. Blah blah), though i think that's a lot of horse hockey. If people cry, it's because they were 1) raised, and taught that it was ok to cry, 2) chose to cry at their discretion, building an affinity towards crying, and, possibly, 3) were raised and taught that it's not ok to not cry (of course, that sounds absurd, but think about it. It's possible).
Same thing with everything else. The guiding hand of learning helps shape people, but they must start forming their own patterns of behavior to follow. To a certain extent, everyone has patterns. Everyone has patterns of behavior that they learned and continue to implement.
I used to want to get out of the pattern of behaviour idea after coming up with the idea back in 2001. I wanted to bust out of my patterns, to always be a different person. I started it by not playing video games (that was a big habit that I had), and changed everything from there. I succeeded in deconstructing everything about me, just like I had when I went from being some sort of proto-preppy in 6th grade to nerd, but it was utter chaos at it's finest... and it was beautiful. Watch me forge myself anew, seeing myself grow into a (somewhat) different person... though you can never completely change who you are...
Since the time that I broke out of my nerd patterns, A BIG pattern of behaviour that continues to linger is that I break everything down and build something new from time to time. I am still shackled to patterns of behavior, on small short-time scales, as well as scales spanning months and years. It's only natural.
I could keep going on... but I digressed really bad.
I just want to say that, with humans, the concept of man and women really don't mean anything to me anymore (other than information for the doctor if you hurt your privates!) It's all psychological.
They say that women are slightly bisexual. Society is fine with this. Yet, men are fearful and disgusted with the idea of being with other men (I am a victim of this. I could change myself, just like I could change anything about me, but that would go against a core Darrel self-belief). This needn't be the case. A person is a person. Why can't you love people for whom they are and not for what they are?
However, because of how long-lasting tradition and culture works, I don't think there will be a day where gender will be of no significance, like how racial color doesn't really matter anymore (at least in small towns that are not in the "Dixieland").
I think that there will be very significant progress in the future in breaking down the gender barrier. If government imposes laws on its citizens that force the citizens to group together as one seething mass of people in some way, then I think that the gender barrier will be nearly completely broken down. But, It would take a very long time before the cultural tradition of being in groups with people of the same gender (at least at younger ages) is destroyed.
Next topic: I've been hanging around SO many women these days. Sometimes with other males around. usually not, though. For someone who used to have such a hard time even getting in the presence of women, it's been a very reassuring comforter. Women at work, women who call me, women who set up days to hang out, women who introduce me to new things... I throw this out here for my personal benefit, by the way, because I want to remember the key topics, figure out why I have so many friends in the woman dept. Honestly, I've been analyzing as much as I can, and I think I've figured out what's going on. Is it because I talk to them about how I feel, and also drawing parallels that they agree with?
It's still under investigation. I tell myself I should leave good things alone, for I may ruin them. But my advice is no good to myself. I never listen.
Anyways, problems with women. This is very preliminary, but one of the problems that I've been wondering about is what's going on when I visit Nichole's house (I think Paul should be reading this). I feel like it's creating a slight rift between "the guys", who sit in a corner and talk while looking at me (which tells me they're talking about me), and me. Nichole hangs around me quite a bit, and talks to me, and I hope nothing becomes of it other than just friendship, for I fear my friendship with the other members of the group. I still recognize that she's really close with Paul (even though Paul and her aren't boyfriend/girlfriend), and I hope it stays that way. I just... I just don't want anything to become of this. So far, nothing has happened, But each time I visit I notice some sort of plot is slowly deepening. That's cool, I suppose. I like to create interesting stories by throwing my life into odd places, but (especially with the people i'm with), I just don't want to lose friends over it. Yes, I enjoy talking to Nichole and goofing off and stuff, but in the back of my head lies unsurety. I don't want any trouble.
I also get worried with the alpha male-ness of Paul's group. I feel sort of like an outsider in a way because I want to remain independent. It's pretty apparent Trevor's the alpha male, with Paul being the Right-hand man, and the other people being unnecessary but enjoyable additions to the group, but I don't even want to be socially subservient. I always feel slightly removed from the group. I don't want to be the alpha male, so i'm not competing, but I don't want to be an underling.
For now, I've guessed that I should moderate the amount of time I hang out with them.
Anyways, back to the present. Right now I've finally gotten sick of olive oil, and need to find a new medium ingredient. I will use...
BEANS.
Beans are good if you make them right!
Also, like I said before, having all this nonproductive recreation that made me feel unfulfilled has really motivated me to get back in the action. I feel it deep down inside... I have the will to create for myself (and later, others) once again. I'm so happy about that!
Out of nowhere: Cassini has made it to Saturn, and is showing some startling new discoveries about not just Saturn, but Titan as well! Yeah!
It's time to redo myself again!
*Puts on that Brian Eno tune, Deep Blue Day, once again before sleeping*
You know, lighting a lighter in your pocket isn't a very good idea-Paul
D.
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