Phoenix

Big Babies are us.

Lately I've been a little bit depressed. I feel like I'm going to be doing better in the future, since a few people, out of the blue, asked me if I was ok, which is odd since one is far, far away from here and the few others that I've been dealing with have only seen shiny, happy me. That is not to say that I'm hiding my feelings from people, I really am feeling all happy and stuff when talking. But, left to my own devices, I haven't been feeling so good...

I got back together with Evan a few days ago. We both really missed eachother, and so we both let the whole thing drop. Heh, spending 3.5 hours walking and talking with him while he did his job sent back old memories to my neurotransmitter/storer thingie. He said he hadn't felt so good working his job in so long, as well as he was shocked at how fast the time flew. I was stunned at how time slowed down a bit for me, though I was relieved because time has been flying by WAY too fast, with my life going by in a blink of an eye. I have been struggling to even grasp the reigns of time (if time were a horse), in this multiplanar dimension, and knowing that there's ONE place that I can go to slow it all down was very reassuring, though the news that Evan gave me, as I got a grip, was not.

Evan has truly decided to join the military; It's all he talks about. He's planning on being a computer programmer for the air force, though my gut says they'll screw him over big before that becomes possible. Mainly, he wants to get out of WinCo fast, since he'll be the 1st in command of Cart Land soon, and he feels like that that's the equivalent of work and pay to being a manager at McDonald's (and he swore he'd never be one of those)

In my opinion, he's on a bad roll, making a string of bad decisions, as of late, and nothing I say to him helps. I'm kind of stuck in a position where anything that I say that's against his plans is scrutinized and criticized. He won't listen. I just have to watch...

I mean, he's been getting lots of D's and F's at school. He obviously doesn't have enough time to attend class (many a time would he go to sleep rather than go to school), let alone do the homework. He's stuck spending that PRECIOUS time paying for a car that's outside of his wage level, as well as committing the rest to his girlfriend.

He feels like he's not just going nowhere, he's receding, since his poor grades hurt him academically. He thinks he can train and get the skills required to be hired as a civilian computer programmer. He feels that the military is his ticket to a better life.

I can understand how he feels and thinks. I just know much more about the military compared to he, since a lot of my very large family group has done time in the service (compared to his family, which has practically nobody who has been in the service). They'll grind him up and spit him out, just like they do everybody else. It's hideous! They'll first tear him down and build him back up the way they want him, and then grind him up. It's terrible.

I was once going to join the military with Jeremiah. Heh, he always teased that he we were going to create an elite force and take over America by way of nukes, and I always laughed. I didn't know if he was serious or not, though. In any case, we were going to go in together, but my dad had a vision of my death on a hill with two other people. I may really not be religious, but why flirt with possible danger if you don't have to?

Jeremiah always had me in a special area of his thoughts. I had to cut off from him because I had some traitorous activities to do with regards to him and I didn't want to do it to him while being a friend; I decided to not talk to him ever again and I told him so (hey, at the very least, we were several states away). Unfortunantly, despite the best of my abilities, he found out...

I had to do it. I had no choice.

Why is it that the people who become my worst enemies are the ones that were closest to me?

But anyway, another thing I don't understand is why people will single me out as a special type of friend. Am I not being selfish enough to recognize my own strengths? Am I just not being considerate of others that don't single me out as a special type of friend? If that's the case, then why have I had several people decide upon me like that... Where everybody else is shunned but i'm priveledged enough to go forth, on their quest of life, to make decisions as their equal?

Heh, that's what I'd like if I were married

Anyway, I went on a tangent again, didn't I? But I like tangents, and since I feel as though nobody else is reading this (at least right now?), I will do what I want!

back to the show.

As last said, the past few days have been rather depressing for me. They have been unproductive. They have been wasteful.

A few days ago, at around noon, my lip started going numb. The numbness has slowly spread to the lower chin area, and stayed put. I was getting very worried about it, but fortunantly I was able to talk to a dentist that I registered in the admitting area, and he said that it comes from the dentist injecting the anesthetic directly on the nerve. He said she killed the nerve, and it may take 6 to 12 months for the feeling to come back.

It's so irritating to not feel it. Sometimes I'll get little pin pricks of feeling which annoyingly remind me of the condition, and other times, I'll misinterpret what little feeling that I get out of it as pain.

Bah! How annoying.

So, the past few days have been spent on Meghannraye, which has been ok, I guess. She keeps drinking every day, and has been seductively hinting every time that I visit that she needs a "rebound" relationship, since she just broke up with her boyfriend. I would hate to lose her. I won't do it. Me and her are planning on taking a few classes together, mainly out of coincidence. I NEED to finish and get my degree now. Time's up for me, now that I'm paying rent and completely independent. The financial strain is somewhat crushing in this geographical part of the world. I need out. All's I got to do is go get the rest of my general education credits...

I keep thinking that I should go move into Richard's house. I'm having motivational problems as of late (I keep trying to bust loose, but I just can't seem to rile myself up. I keep fighting myself) and being in an uncomfortable setting will help keep me on my toes. What's more, I'm sure that just living there will help me get into doing my japanese, as well as old movie brush ups. I know that my dad will be gone soon so...

I keep getting so pissed off. The past 3 days I've been telling myself, "Ok. You need to sit down and do your Japanese." And by the time class time began for it, I had not done a single bit of studying. Bah! How am I going to get to Japan if I don't do the work?

I think I mentioned this before, but I just keep thinking about going to Japan. I plan on being there by the end of 2005. This place is sucking me dry... has been for a long time now, this inhibitory feeling, and I need to get out. I have always felt like I should live in the Australasia region (Live in Australia and go up to Japan) and think that may be where my fate lies. Japan first, later Australia.

My Australian friend, Greg, has been having heart trouble as of late and I hope he gets better! After working under hellish conditions at WinCo, Greg has been working at Weta Digital, doing the Lord of the Rings stuff, and keeps saying that he wants to give me his expensiv-o, crazy cool computer stuff (when he upgrades, which'll be soon). Heh... he plays around with 600 GB Hard Drives and the next generation, industrial-grade video cards. But, that stuff gets "out of date" and "useless", and since he's always got to be on the cutting edge of his job (his business buys the computer for him) , he doesn't need it.

The stuff may be cool, but he considers them mere tools. Extensions of his hands. That's the way to look at it, I think.

For me, playing around with something like that would be fun. *Imagines Beowulf clusters of them...* In the end, though, I'm with him on a computer being a mere tool. I hate it when I treat it as anything else (*cough cough* game play *cough*)... it just wrecks me.

Speaking of hard drives, my brother purchased a whole bunch of new computer parts and assembled them. Thus, he started a small computer war ( of course it'll fizzle, but he's getting others off their butts and upgrading for that trendy, rice rocket sort of computer)

Not to be completely outdone by his schwag computer (complete with LED fan lights -- rave, anyone?), I went out and bought a 160 GB hard drive, bringing the total Giggage to 240. So many partitions... only linux will do! But I didn't have time... I wanted the windows/linux dualboot but needed compatibility quickly for A LAN party, so I just patched it up with a single windows distro and a whole bunch of FAT32. (probably shift some more to linux partitions, since I don't like seeing drive L: at all...)

With the LAN party, I put on my nerdiest clothes, glasses, and jargon on and partied on down. Heh, the LAN party turned into more of a "get the computers fixed" sort of occasion, with me getting mine in ship shape, and Paul trying to fix his up (we were trying to migrate all of his stuff to my really really old 800 mhz computer (that's still better than his, sadly) and ended up having all sorts of problems).

Better luck next time


In a completely out of nowhere thought rant, I feel like things are getting better lately because I realize that, while I have been neglecting so many things relating to me, they can be great things if I get them polished up. I just need to get myself motivated to do them.

I have this awesome computer, yet it is halfway useless right now. If I put some work into it, it'll work awesomely. I haven't been doing my japanese, but with such a large vocabulary, all I need to do is pick myself back up and do it. I'm getting there. My house always feels so filthy, yet it is clean. I just need to reorganize it, and it will be great. I get paid lousy wages doing boring half-work, yet the skills I'm acquiring assure me at least a decent job in the future.

I may not be having an easy time surviving, but I am going to make it. I just need to do it... it doesn't take that much time... but I feel like my time is so important... and that's the thing... by not lending my time I'm making my time less important... yet by investing the time to fix it all up is somewhat of a waste....

I've been having a lot of trouble lately just trying to do something, or having plenty to do and going back and forth to each task without doing anything (sound stupid? It is, let me tell you) . I get such a tired feeling, or I'll just stare off into space for a long time... like grains of sand, the seconds are expired, and I'm too busy trying to cling onto them, thinking about them and trying to get it back so I can act on it when it's already gone, meanwhile losing the other seconds.

Just gotta let go.

I was feeling really negative earlier today, being severely disappointed in how things are happening and I'm failing to meet my requirement to take advantage of them.

But then I got my caffeine from tea (caffeine withdrawal today?) and some techno (I'm a dork. I love techno. Shoot me.), which is something I haven't had in a long time/forgot about. That, surprisingly, made me feel better.

One thing I must say about myself right now. I keep recognizing the problem, yet I continue to not formulate a plan to address the issues, and everything snowballs from there.

What may be the best plan is to forget about me, and relaxing, and just remember and do what I need to go out and do.

It's funny how I was working so hard, doing so much back in February, that I couldn't figure out how to relax (and that worried me), and how I've been trying to relax, and now I've swung too far into that spectrum...

It Beats a Swift Kick In the Face
D.