Stay Cool

So, the next day, after sleeping the entire previous day, was full of drama.

I found out that my mother had been busted, and busted big, for drug possession at her house when the government raided her residence.

This came as a shock, but not a surprise. I knew there were plenty of bad things happening at her house. She always gave low-lifes a place to stay.

Maybe she just had a big heart... too big to say no.

Maybe she was screwed up on drugs... who knows? I know my mother loves me, despite her faults; she would've supported however she could if she could. Usually, though, her money supply was tight and I was too far away.

Even if my stepfather was abusive to the family, and always manipulating my mother to live off of her hard work... even if she had never met him, she would've hooked on drugs sooner or later.

I remember a time, back in second grade, when me and my siblings found a pack of cigarettes in the cupboard. We showed our father, who always did his visitation on the weekends (yes, my parents were divorced at this time). We got our mother to crush that pack right in front of us, and swear she would never smoke again.

Of course, with the types of friends that she had and so forth, making her quit smoking would've been like a coach making demands at Michael Jordan that he score every free throw.

I know she cares. I've seen it many times in the past, even when she's made the wrong decisions (like sending me to a wayward boy's home. As a side note, the kids there were calm, controlled, good people. That surprised me)

Anyway, the cops came barreling into her house and found my sister smoking pot in the backyard. They issued her a smoking ticket. They searched everywhere, found plenty of drugs that looked like they were being prepared for distribution, and busted a whole bunch of people in general.

My mother will more than likely be sent to prison. These are serious charges. I cannot comprehend this. I barely talk to her.

My life is always filled with drama. Wherever I go, setbacks, insane unfoldings, and large gains happen. They happen more rapidly to me than anyone that I know. Everyone else seems so static compared to I. I don't understand...

Why???

And maybe I know the answer all along. I just don't want to come to terms and think about it. My self-created limiting factor that holds me back. Maybe it was a behavior that I learned from those terrible kids that I had to deal with on the bus and at school. Maybe it's from when I had no friends for years, and all I had was a leader who couldn't lead, and was rarely there.

I've thought a lot about the tribalistic qualities of humans. I've come to the conclusion that it's important to defend everyone in the group, even if one of the members is a village idiot. Defend everyone, and let everyone defend you.

I've wanted a "core group" for a while now: a group that that consists of members who will never exclude other members. A group that defends every single one of it's members, with the only requirement in returning being the members giving their all to the group. A group that will accept all members as individuals who do not have to conform. A group that is bound together by change that teaches and lets individuals grow. A group that is fine with letting a person be one sort of person, but is equally ok with a person being something else if they decide to.

A group that has unconditional love might be the "bingo" (the clown-o!) sentence.

I've seen it in religion and I've seen it with families, but I may never get to taste the flavor that I'd like to realize.

I've got a diaspora of groups, each one formulated during different points of my life when I thought a certain way, and I continue to act that certain way around each group. The way I would think at those points of my life wasn't bad; they all came to very sustainable relationships. But, I want to try it all out. I don't want to be stuck being a certain type of person forever. So, I change as I grow older. But, the moments with these people stay the same, and I consistently have to stay the same when I'm around these living memory aides of times past.

The relationships with these people are pretty good; on their side, they'd maybe even call it intense at times. But, I feel as though I'm limited to a point. I can't completely bond with them, and I'm stuck bonding to a point, a point that I am unable to pass. My pretty static behaviour and attitude keep the relationship stuck, and if I spend too much time with the person, the relationship can suffer.

I really ought to break out and just be the dynamic person that I am, but I've "tested the waters" by positting ideas and seeing what reaction I get, and consistently I find that the reactions are hostile. They would reject me if I changed in front of them.

Don't think that I haven't continued trying to be a dynamic person despite the threat of relationship breakdown, because I have. I've seen those relationships crumble to nothing, with large stretches of time required before I can communicate with the people once again.

Of course, even when I'm static, something always has to give. Nothing lasts forever. I can't take it and I change suddenly. Bad things happen at that point, too. You just can't stop change. You can't keep everything the same. It either goes up or down, and the higher it goes up the easier it is to go down. That's depressing!

What I'd like is, again, a dynamic group that accepts me. What's more, I'd like my "tribalistic" group to know and defend all the others involved in the group. Currently, as stated before, I have a diasporadic situation whereby I have plenty of people who defend me, but do not know/defend eachother. I'd like to form a large group out of my huge pool of friends that sticks together and helps build eachother up. Because a group of people together has much more umph in getting things to happen than the sum of the individuals of the group, if the group were never formed. I can foresee many beautiful things happening if this were the case.

Maybe I should make it a project. A project to get people together, group together, help eachother. I try and help my friends out by giving them jobs that I know of, advice that I've learned, or just plain spending money on them to benefit them, and I'd be willing to give myself up if such a great and noble cause were created.

Reminds me of a discussion me and PM had about religion. Religious organizations are not required to disclose dollar amounts to the government. You could set up a religion where you believe that everyone should own a blue car, and purchase blue cars, without being taxed. Such is the separation of church and state.
I'm not saying that you can pretend you're a religious organization if you're just trying to create a tax shield, because the IRS will know if you're doing tax fraud or not (they have forms that you fill out if you're a religious institution. Simple questions, but they root out fraudulent claims)
But, it's the cause. In a way, that's a beautiful thing. Even if these people are in it for the wrong cause, just the proved fact that there's excess power that a group of people creates is incredible.

In any case, back to my long winded story on my mom and events hitting me at a maddening pace

add one more event to my stack of awards in life. I feel like a seasoned general in some ways.

My sisters are being taken back to my residence (soon not to be my residence, since I'm still moving) by my father, who is driving to Utah as of this writing.

I will move to Richard's house rather than stick with my dad, because I know the private hell my sisters guarantee upon my life. What's more, food stamps and scholarships will be available at the low low fee of an additional $150/month.

So, the next day... I met up with Jamie. And it was good. We ate at Chappala's, whereby I displayed prominently CUBIC Brown*, my mini suitcase that I got for free. I had it packed full of change in a macrome sack, because I didn't want to spend my bank account money (i'm cutting close to the $0 amount), but I didn't want to display the sack full of change to the lazy Eureka bums... who knows, they might mug me for that change, and go have "Phat Cookie Madness!" at the bakery that sells cookies for $.05 a piece onTuesdays (though they don't call it phat cookie madness) . That just would not do.
After the meal and lots of jittery limbs later, we walked around Eureka, talking about ninjas, hiding in cardboard boxes, and stalking bums (well, I didn't tell her but I was intentially walking in a direction for a little bit because I wanted to "see where the bums go"). Because those're the great past times of Eureka!

After that, we drove around in my car for a while and talked about good times, visited my house and watched movies, and then parted. It was really refreshing and I'm glad I was able to talk to her again.

Next day: I don't even remember what I did for the longest time... oh, wait, that's right. I was downloading amatuer internet movies like there was no tomorrow... hehehe... then, I went to work and spent practically the entire shift just reading. I ran, and I felt good...

I stayed up late that night before going to sleep. When I work up, it was close to 10. I took a slow, leisurely, "this is my day off. Ha!" shower, and checked my messages on my answering machine...

First message: "Hi Darrel. This is Patti (my boss). Please give a call back"
Next few messages where just hangups
fifth message: "Darrel. This is Patti Janiss. You are supposed to be working at 7 and you are not here"

I nearly jumped with fear as it all hit me like a sack of garbanzo beans: I was supposed to be working at 7, and it was 10:30! Usually I have Sundays off, and Patti did screw up on the schedule with Sunday (she scheduled me in the afternoon of Sunday, which is when I have japanese), though she did fix it by putting me in the morning. I had somehow forgotten it all! The easiest job in the world, and I was doing a poor job... never in my two years have I forgotten that I was supposed to work...

Shaking, and without a meal, I quickly got my stuff together and flew down to my workplace. The boss was working the switchboard on her day off, though she was ok with it all (surprisingly). Heh, she was tossing in bed, thinking "What am I going today? I guess I could fix Kronos (the punch-in time thingie at the hospital. It screws up a lot and take hours to fix)" When the graveyard guy called saying that I hadn't came. I had given her something else to do.

But, I was so embarrassed. I still am. I felt as though I had failed everyone; that I was a liability. I'm somewhat new, and

I want to make it up, and not by doing the make up time that my contracting agency has in place (i can make up the missed hours by working later in the week) . I will find a way to awe her. I will make her proud somehow. Don't know how, but I will.

After 5 hours of more reading (almost done with my books! W00t!), I went to Richard's house, and was convinced to continue accruing japanese lesson costs, despite my financial struggle (Richard doesn't need the money right now; he never will, so I can pay it whenever) After that, we watched Stella Dallas, which was good to see... once. Has little replay value, but the film itself is a real tear jerker, with Barbara Stanwyck doing a marvelous job with acting. The other film, His Kind of Woman was an awesome Robert Mitchum film with tons of replay value. Mitchum is just... so cool... he's my hero! I mean, he's so cool that he'll reject love from people, and those half awake eyes... you never know what alterior motive he has thought up (and he's got quite a few). He was *the* star actor of film noir, and it shows. He is my favorite actor of all time.

Actors these days just can't stack up to greats like Humphrey Bogart, Orson Wells, and Robert Mitchum. You see a lot of special effects, star actors supposedly jumping from one wall to another or flying or something, but they're not really doing much, and more importantly, they don't act like people of times past used to. The acting parts that the actors of old undertook were HARD, and you can readily see it, the awesomeness, when they execute a part. Dialogue can be such a bewitching thing if you do it right, much moreso than any other special effect, specifically because it's one of the things that the public in general can relate to best.

Anyway, I'm very tired now, after doing this long post. I leave with a Mitchum quote (one of many of his cool ones), when some guy starts talking about "that dame", and he wants the guy to beat it.

Stay Cool!
So, do you sleep with your eyes open or your eyes closed?
D.