After the food, our group broke up, leaving just me and Paul to mess around. We decided that video game playing would be good, though I fixed my car up and did some other things while Paul played. Even after I got done doing my tasks, I continued to not play (what with me and my disgust for video games right now). That didn't bother Paul. He just kept playing Hitman 2 on the XBox, while I read my book on the history of China (it's a fascinating read). Then, we got implorations to go join Nichole's party (which we had planned on going to)via the phone -- we were rather late. So, we went over there and had a good time.
Lots of food to eat describes the place pretty well. They didn't want leftovers so they encouraged us to eat. But, what with me and my belly full of bread and custom made pasta (it is delicious and I guarantee you that you won't find it on any menu at any restaurant!), I was soundly defeated by the food. I left the place early to go get my prized posessions, things with bearings, and found what I was looking for at Long's Drugs. That place has limited edition Humvee H2's (with glitzy showcase floor!) for $16 a piece. That would've been fun to mess up. Instead, I opted for the big, cheap plastic truck, which sold for $4, and 2 hot wheels racers (at $1 a piece). In all, it was WAY cheaper buying the reusable "launch vehicles" than it was buying tanks, though having the fuses in easily accessible spots on tanks is mighty convenient.
A lot of interesting effects happened with these new test vehicles, all ending in utter flame (since we stuck the isopropyl alcohol inside the pesticide can and would light the cars on fire with it). It was all good. But, we didn't try out very many configurations, since we took off to Trevor's house to don our Hawaiian shirts and Farmer's hats for the great celebration of Arcata (if you can call it that). Then, everyone took caffeine pills (I think some people took multiple caffeine pills, but I only took one since I've been drinking coffee quite a bit but haven't had coffee in 2 days. I was only trying to counteraffect the caffeine withdrawal effect. I hate abusing my body) As we waltzed to the place where we wanted to watch the big fireworks, we showed off with the isopropyl can by creating a flamethrower effect with the lighter in front. Most of the time, we would spray the flame that shot out like a flame thrower to create more flame, so the flame would move across and last a long time. "Chasing the flame with the iso-can" was a major theme. So was lighting our hands on fire (which was another common theme. Isopropyl doesn't burn very hot, so you can have fire hands). We sought out to impress, and did lots of fun, rather wild things. Then, we watched the fireworks.
The Arcata fireworks were ok. This year I didn't attend my usual fireworks viewing point, which is the Samoa Bridge, and kind of wished I had stuck with my plan of going back to that point. The fireworks in Eureka started before the Arcata ones did, as well as ended much later. Also, there's a strange kind of effect that I get when watching the fireworks on Samoa Bridge. There's few people there, so I'm practically all alone to watch, the fireworks are far enough away to take it all in but not so far that you feel removed from it all, and it all in all creates this sort of "reflecting" moment for me. I kind of feel like my new year is on the 4th of July. I reflect back to everything and my accomplishments. It's my favorite holiday, without a doubt.
Anyway, after the fireworks were done we let loose as we walked back to the car, kicking burning clumps of fireworks others had set off and torching the road quite a bit with our iso-can. Then, our party broke off as the girls left, and the rest of us guys were left to find parties to attend.
I should note right now that I actively did not want to join the other parties that I had been invited to (Meghannraye's party in Loleta, Sara's party with her energetic friends, Adrienne's party at Jeriah's house). I just don't want to mix it all up.
So, we drove around to various blocks in Arcata, shooting burning isopropyl alcohol out the side of the window (illegal? Yes. I didn't do it! Personally, I think that's below the belt of our obnoxiousness, but whatever), hollering sentences loudly, and waving this American flag that someone brought along like mad at people (of course, i'm not that pleased with our government (I'm not patriotic at all), but I think it would've been funnier to wave a confederate flag and pretend that we were rednecks. Burn the confederate flag? (My United States of Whatever!))
So, after a while of crazy driving, we got out and started upstaging other firework shows with our iso-can, and powdered flour thrown on the flame(yes, flour ignites voraciously! Did you know that flour mills used to explode? My 8th grade class was shown the power of flour when the teacher whipped out this HUGE syringe full of the stuff over a bunsen burner. That class (and the other middle school science courses) are some of the reasons why I was so stuck on science back then. We did cool stuff. Not crap stuff). Also, we threw flour at eachother. Good fun.
After that, we searched for another member to join our party, and found him much later. Then, after not finding any parties to go to (booyahh), and a lot of driving in a full car (with lots of wrong turns on highways and stuff, as well as doing crazy donuts to the tune of fast tempo'ed classical music (Classical music was the first sort of music that I loved)), we went to clam beach and joined up with Cle' and some other girls.
The stars were really out tonight... it was beautiful. I always forget how much I love the stars.
Anyway, we tried to ditch Cle', but instead agreed to run off to the other clam beach access point, since there were so many people there and a party was definitely possible. After we stopped, the trunk was opened and people started pulling out illegal fireworks, while waving them around in some sort of crazy fashion -- only to see that a highway patrolman (or was it Trinidad police) was driving by with their spotlight on. I was so surprised... but, in some sort of remarkable feat, everyone hid them behind their backs or in the dark.
Though, I think we were caught. But, there were so many people at the beach (and only one patrol car... I think the budget cuts had something to do with that) that I don't think the cop could do anything. Moreover, a lot of illegal fireworks were shot in the air at that spot, so I think it would've been dangerous for the policeman to try to stop anybody.
Anyway, we walked down the beach a ways, when one of us fell into the river embankment of Clam Beach... he was the one with all the fireworks... he was drenched and miserable. So, that effectively cancelled our illegal fireworks plan. We all piled into the car and sped off to adjourn for the night. And now, I'm back here...
It was an ok time tonight. A lot time was wasted, yes, and the isopropyl effect wore off on us real fast (though i think we got tired of fire). We only kept shooting isopropyl because we wanted to impress people (which we did). A lot of people said that the second half of the party was kind of crappy, since our plans kept getting foiled, and yeah, they're right. It was kind of boring.
* Looking in retrospect of the paragraphs: Damn. Sounds so negative! I don't mean it negative. Just keep in mind that I value the time that I share with people. I'm glad I did the things I did. And now, back to my blogging bit*
I thought quite a bit in that car. I realized that hanging out with all these people wasn't making me feel fulfilled. I think it's important to mingle with friends, but I think I have had an overdose of friends, especially lately. I've been spending so much time sitting with people in cars. I'm sick of sitting in cars. I'm tired of talking with people, hanging out in the moment. I want to always have a new learning experience or meaning understood when I hang out. That can't always be the case, of course, and who's to say that I didn't learn anything new or gain a meaning hanging out with them? Maybe it was just not a desirable meaning.
Again, having too much entertainment without working and growing has made my life feel somewhat lacking. People definitely want me in their group, but if I don't spend some of my time earning my dues and building myself up, i'm just setting myself up for falling behind.
Feeling discontent with entertainment is just the motivational tool that I need to pick myself up out of this lazy mess!
some bothersome scenarios plagued me as I forged on ahead with my plannings of my future in that car. The guy sitting next to me, the guy with all the illegal fireworks (bless his soul!), had been drinking, and kept talking about girls and getting them to show you things when drunk at parties, and stuff. I felt KIND OF uncomfortable by it all. I mean, whatever, I don't think it's good nor bad to be pulling that kind of stuff if no one's getting hurt. I'm rather indifferent to it, except that I'm way too shy and modest to ever pull that off myself (it's sleazy). And then I wondered about me talking to PM about religion once again during my time at breakfast club, when he was prepositioning me to convert to his religion, Elvis UNDERGROUND, and how I can't ever join a religion because it just doesn't feel right... how I'm a rather model citizen, with outstanding morals, without religion... how I have been so screwed up with the way I thought about women in the past, how sexual orientation is such a screwed up thing in our society... how most of the people I hang around are women these days. I hang around with a LOT of women... How potential problems of people hanging around me erupt...
I think I should explain each thought topic here. (Damn. It's 2:20 in the morning, and I reek of sulfur from all the fireworks. I'd like to make this quick, but I can't. I just... can't.)
I've been getting pressured by plenty of individuals into doing their religion. I just don't feel right in joining anything. I try to live my life good (as I would define it), and in some respects it's mormonistic (there's plenty of exceptions under certain situations, though. I should also note that my mormonistic attitude has held me back in some respects). I just try to be a true and honest person, and I also try to understand all angles of the situation, and to share how I feel to others, to try to communicate without being angry.
I don't anger easily, of course. It's a rare thing. I find that most people that get upset or just plain hate just don't understand what it is they're angry or hateful (at) from the others' perspective. Everything's got a little bit of value, it behooves you to find and understand it.
I also try to express things to people when something isn't right. Generally, I don't ignore problems because they usually create more problems, and it's just a terrible deal all around for me. A good analogy of problems is machines. You have machines all over the place, and eventually one will break somewhere, and you have to fix it to stop the break from affecting the other machines. Getting mad at the broken machine isn't going to fix it; it might even cause more damage. What's the point in getting angry? Fix the machine! Fix your life!
I really don't have religion. Some nights, I pray, feeling as though it can't hurt anything to ask for wishes to be granted, and other times I get nutty ideas with religion. For example:
Sometimes I get a nutty idea that we all use some sort of metaphysical force to guide our futures. The metaphysical force will only influence what you want it to influence over a given time, but it ultimately cannot control what happens. It cannot stop a car accident that's about to happen, but it can help influence the driver that makes it's wishes known to turn the car at such an angle to reduce potential damage that the driver wants (whether the driver wants his car to have smaller car damage but loss of limbs or a totalled car and his/her body fine is up to the driver at the split moment when s/he makes his/her wishes known in the mind). Also, everyone is trying to influence the future. Realistically, then, agendas will collide, with events happening from one person's agenda that "knocks the wind out" of another's agenda (including death))
There's no evidence that this really exists, and it's just a crazy idea that's fun to think about.
As long as I'm still alive, I'll keep doing what I do; doing the things that I feel are right in my heart. That's my nature in any case.
Anyway, on to the next topic. Screwed up with acting around women. I've made plenty of progress in the past 2 years, but ever since I was 13 I got screwed up ideas about women (maybe from following mormonism, and from that drawing my own weird conclusions. BE WARNED. I have screwed myself up in the past by drawing my own conclusions). All the way up till I was 17, I thought they were gods that you shouldn't talk to, that should do all the work to meet you, how they were perfect in every respect.
But after straightening myself out by finally throwing myself in all kinds of crazy situations with women, I've found that women are so similar to men.
I'm walking a tight, tight rope by talking about this topic. I'd like to readvise the reader that I'M NOT GAY, and that I've just been trying to be insightful and unbiased with my analyzations
It's kind of odd how society has two groupings of men and women. How the groups really stay separate by gender, no matter what. They really aren't that different.
I'm very certain that society could be quite androgynous if it chose to be. This division by gender is unnecessary. We should group people as HUMANS, and not MAN or WOMAN. To love a person is to love a person, nothing more! Why can't you love a person for who they are? Simply because they're the same gender? I have found that both sides have slightly different difficulties, merely based upon what society has burdened upon them (with expectations and such), but on the whole both sides are seeking the same things. If you raised women in the dominant male position, I'm certain they'd exhibit "male" difficulties (such as fighting to be the alpha person during growth).
There may also be slight differences from hormones (this person has testosterone, so they must be aggressive. Blah blah), though i think that's a lot of horse hockey. If people cry, it's because they were 1) raised, and taught that it was ok to cry, 2) chose to cry at their discretion, building an affinity towards crying, and, possibly, 3) were raised and taught that it's not ok to not cry (of course, that sounds absurd, but think about it. It's possible).
Same thing with everything else. The guiding hand of learning helps shape people, but they must start forming their own patterns of behavior to follow. To a certain extent, everyone has patterns. Everyone has patterns of behavior that they learned and continue to implement.
I used to want to get out of the pattern of behaviour idea after coming up with the idea back in 2001. I wanted to bust out of my patterns, to always be a different person. I started it by not playing video games (that was a big habit that I had), and changed everything from there. I succeeded in deconstructing everything about me, just like I had when I went from being some sort of proto-preppy in 6th grade to nerd, but it was utter chaos at it's finest... and it was beautiful. Watch me forge myself anew, seeing myself grow into a (somewhat) different person... though you can never completely change who you are...
Since the time that I broke out of my nerd patterns, A BIG pattern of behaviour that continues to linger is that I break everything down and build something new from time to time. I am still shackled to patterns of behavior, on small short-time scales, as well as scales spanning months and years. It's only natural.
I could keep going on... but I digressed really bad.
I just want to say that, with humans, the concept of man and women really don't mean anything to me anymore (other than information for the doctor if you hurt your privates!) It's all psychological.
They say that women are slightly bisexual. Society is fine with this. Yet, men are fearful and disgusted with the idea of being with other men (I am a victim of this. I could change myself, just like I could change anything about me, but that would go against a core Darrel self-belief). This needn't be the case. A person is a person. Why can't you love people for whom they are and not for what they are?
However, because of how long-lasting tradition and culture works, I don't think there will be a day where gender will be of no significance, like how racial color doesn't really matter anymore (at least in small towns that are not in the "Dixieland").
I think that there will be very significant progress in the future in breaking down the gender barrier. If government imposes laws on its citizens that force the citizens to group together as one seething mass of people in some way, then I think that the gender barrier will be nearly completely broken down. But, It would take a very long time before the cultural tradition of being in groups with people of the same gender (at least at younger ages) is destroyed.
Next topic: I've been hanging around SO many women these days. Sometimes with other males around. usually not, though. For someone who used to have such a hard time even getting in the presence of women, it's been a very reassuring comforter. Women at work, women who call me, women who set up days to hang out, women who introduce me to new things... I throw this out here for my personal benefit, by the way, because I want to remember the key topics, figure out why I have so many friends in the woman dept. Honestly, I've been analyzing as much as I can, and I think I've figured out what's going on. Is it because I talk to them about how I feel, and also drawing parallels that they agree with?
It's still under investigation. I tell myself I should leave good things alone, for I may ruin them. But my advice is no good to myself. I never listen.
Anyways, problems with women. This is very preliminary, but one of the problems that I've been wondering about is what's going on when I visit Nichole's house (I think Paul should be reading this). I feel like it's creating a slight rift between "the guys", who sit in a corner and talk while looking at me (which tells me they're talking about me), and me. Nichole hangs around me quite a bit, and talks to me, and I hope nothing becomes of it other than just friendship, for I fear my friendship with the other members of the group. I still recognize that she's really close with Paul (even though Paul and her aren't boyfriend/girlfriend), and I hope it stays that way. I just... I just don't want anything to become of this. So far, nothing has happened, But each time I visit I notice some sort of plot is slowly deepening. That's cool, I suppose. I like to create interesting stories by throwing my life into odd places, but (especially with the people i'm with), I just don't want to lose friends over it. Yes, I enjoy talking to Nichole and goofing off and stuff, but in the back of my head lies unsurety. I don't want any trouble.
I also get worried with the alpha male-ness of Paul's group. I feel sort of like an outsider in a way because I want to remain independent. It's pretty apparent Trevor's the alpha male, with Paul being the Right-hand man, and the other people being unnecessary but enjoyable additions to the group, but I don't even want to be socially subservient. I always feel slightly removed from the group. I don't want to be the alpha male, so i'm not competing, but I don't want to be an underling.
For now, I've guessed that I should moderate the amount of time I hang out with them.
Anyways, back to the present. Right now I've finally gotten sick of olive oil, and need to find a new medium ingredient. I will use...
BEANS.
Beans are good if you make them right!
Also, like I said before, having all this nonproductive recreation that made me feel unfulfilled has really motivated me to get back in the action. I feel it deep down inside... I have the will to create for myself (and later, others) once again. I'm so happy about that!
Out of nowhere: Cassini has made it to Saturn, and is showing some startling new discoveries about not just Saturn, but Titan as well! Yeah!
It's time to redo myself again!
*Puts on that Brian Eno tune, Deep Blue Day, once again before sleeping*
You know, lighting a lighter in your pocket isn't a very good idea-Paul
D.
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