I recognize that my writing skills are horrid lately but I just wanted to write down this one thought.
I went for a run last night, and I started to think about how a person's environment manipulates the character of an individual, though the individual has some way to feedback a bit and modify the manipulator.
I thought about how a plant will respond to it's environment. If a gardener give the plant food, water, and sun, the plant is pretty much forced to grow. If a gardener does not give those necessities, the plant has no choice but to not grow, wither, and die.
Much in the same way that a few factors can determine plant growth, I was thinking about how our environment (culture, geography, technology, everything) manipulates us, just like a gardener, into becoming the individual that we have been, are, and will grow to be. I'm also thinking about how past experiences can hinder or exacerbate the current conditions of the environment (if you are experienced in handling verbal conflict, it'll be much easier to handle the next argument you encounter than for someone who does not)
I'm thinking of how interesting it must be for children, who have no experience, to grow from the environment-gardener.
Just a thought. Time to get ready for work.
Saturday, March 10
A molting point in life
I don't know why springtime is my time of year.
At least, I didn't pick it to be. But, somehow, springtime is the time of year when I start coming back to life. I'd like to venture a guess that it's the sun coming out earlier each morning, but I really don't know. It could be that the fruit of my labors over fall and winter starts to bear in the spring. Whatever the case may be, year after year springtime is the time when my life starts coming together.
This year, Springtime is the time when I'm getting enough rest, both in sheer hours slept and in the quality of sleep. I've been told by quite a few people now that the color in my face is returning.
I'm starting to do leisure activities, too. This last Tuesday, I spent a day at SeaWorld. The week before that, I went to the Birch Aquarium at Scripps. I have never had the time to go to either between September and early February because every second mattered -- everything that I did was supposed to be done "yesterday", so to speak, and failure was always biting at my heels.
I fucking hated running my life like that.
I don't know how to not get stuck in a position like that again, but I hope that's the last time I experience something like that.
Anyway, with sleep has come back the memories and, ultimately, my identity. Things that I had forgotten like an Alzheimer's patient are coming back. I'm able to vividly recall experiences again. It's amazing how sleep deprivation blunts the mind. I continue to wonder if any significant damage to my memories has been caused, however.
One thing I have been noticing is that my dreams are becoming more meaningful. The past two days, I haven't been able to sleep much because I've been able to snooze so much over the past 2 weeks, and so I nap in and nap out, which makes me remember the dreams that I have (I think the lack of sleep lately is due to my body freaking out over getting more sleep than its been used to for the past 8 months).
I have dreams of most all of the people I used to know. Close friends, old friends, acquaintances from long ago and from yesterday. This all sounds vague...
I guess what sticks out in my head that these dreams echo in me are the memories of CyberTribe and the people I worked and had fun with, of being in my first relationship, of friends who stuck close to me during hard times, of people who took me in when I needed it, and so forth.
To be even more specific (because I've always been told it's terrible to be vague), lately I've been having dreams of Paul, Erin, Jeremiah, Marcus & Laurie (Paul's parents), Katie Von Kelso, Megan, Evan Henderson, Evan Needham, Dave (who was in a short film that I worked on back in '01), Jamie, Kyle, and Ian, Sam Zublin-Meyer, Alex Hockinson (I hear that some magnificent changes are in his life), Shane, PM, Soloman, Nicole and her crew, Trevor Kieber, Katie Bob, Richard the Japanese teacher, Alisha, my brother Ben, the KKDS crew, and many others (some who play minor roles in the dreams, and others who won't leave me alone).
Don't ask me how these people interact in the dreams, but they do -- with each other, and with me. I miss you all...
I know, though, that those times will never come back. Time has a funny way of progressing and changing everything. So, I've figured that what would be best is to seek out new experiences rather than dwell on the good ol' days. I can't seem to go about that right now, but when I'm done working all the time, it's one of the first things I plan to do.
Since I'm on the topic of social stuff, I'd like to point out that I noticed a change in me two days ago. I'm finding that I'm just too far away from the people I knew, and that i've been gone for far too long, and now people are drifting away.
I think I discovered this when I started making my rounds of calls during my lunch about 2 days ago (there's that 2 number again. Hmm...) for the past 2... weeks, I have been calling people and I either don't get a response or people are busy, or what-have-you. It sunk in that 2 days ago. So now, I don't bother calling anybody anymore. I just go read a book or something. But it made me think about life's changes like that.
It's like I'm disconnecting from my old self and starting anew. This is not the first time it has happened, nor is it something I can stop. Heh, this makes me think of parallels of other life-forms... take, for example, a snake. Snakes have to molt out of their old skin and into a better fitting skin. I believe it's the same for me. My social aspect is undergoing a molt right now.
Anyway, I'm losing people as I think about them more. That's OK. Some things you have to give up.
As a side note, one reason I applied for this computer job was to make more friends. I'm tired of the low-paid, grouchy woman that I have no connection to.
At least, I didn't pick it to be. But, somehow, springtime is the time of year when I start coming back to life. I'd like to venture a guess that it's the sun coming out earlier each morning, but I really don't know. It could be that the fruit of my labors over fall and winter starts to bear in the spring. Whatever the case may be, year after year springtime is the time when my life starts coming together.
This year, Springtime is the time when I'm getting enough rest, both in sheer hours slept and in the quality of sleep. I've been told by quite a few people now that the color in my face is returning.
I'm starting to do leisure activities, too. This last Tuesday, I spent a day at SeaWorld. The week before that, I went to the Birch Aquarium at Scripps. I have never had the time to go to either between September and early February because every second mattered -- everything that I did was supposed to be done "yesterday", so to speak, and failure was always biting at my heels.
I fucking hated running my life like that.
I don't know how to not get stuck in a position like that again, but I hope that's the last time I experience something like that.
Anyway, with sleep has come back the memories and, ultimately, my identity. Things that I had forgotten like an Alzheimer's patient are coming back. I'm able to vividly recall experiences again. It's amazing how sleep deprivation blunts the mind. I continue to wonder if any significant damage to my memories has been caused, however.
One thing I have been noticing is that my dreams are becoming more meaningful. The past two days, I haven't been able to sleep much because I've been able to snooze so much over the past 2 weeks, and so I nap in and nap out, which makes me remember the dreams that I have (I think the lack of sleep lately is due to my body freaking out over getting more sleep than its been used to for the past 8 months).
I have dreams of most all of the people I used to know. Close friends, old friends, acquaintances from long ago and from yesterday. This all sounds vague...
I guess what sticks out in my head that these dreams echo in me are the memories of CyberTribe and the people I worked and had fun with, of being in my first relationship, of friends who stuck close to me during hard times, of people who took me in when I needed it, and so forth.
To be even more specific (because I've always been told it's terrible to be vague), lately I've been having dreams of Paul, Erin, Jeremiah, Marcus & Laurie (Paul's parents), Katie Von Kelso, Megan, Evan Henderson, Evan Needham, Dave (who was in a short film that I worked on back in '01), Jamie, Kyle, and Ian, Sam Zublin-Meyer, Alex Hockinson (I hear that some magnificent changes are in his life), Shane, PM, Soloman, Nicole and her crew, Trevor Kieber, Katie Bob, Richard the Japanese teacher, Alisha, my brother Ben, the KKDS crew, and many others (some who play minor roles in the dreams, and others who won't leave me alone).
Don't ask me how these people interact in the dreams, but they do -- with each other, and with me. I miss you all...
I know, though, that those times will never come back. Time has a funny way of progressing and changing everything. So, I've figured that what would be best is to seek out new experiences rather than dwell on the good ol' days. I can't seem to go about that right now, but when I'm done working all the time, it's one of the first things I plan to do.
Since I'm on the topic of social stuff, I'd like to point out that I noticed a change in me two days ago. I'm finding that I'm just too far away from the people I knew, and that i've been gone for far too long, and now people are drifting away.
I think I discovered this when I started making my rounds of calls during my lunch about 2 days ago (there's that 2 number again. Hmm...) for the past 2... weeks, I have been calling people and I either don't get a response or people are busy, or what-have-you. It sunk in that 2 days ago. So now, I don't bother calling anybody anymore. I just go read a book or something. But it made me think about life's changes like that.
It's like I'm disconnecting from my old self and starting anew. This is not the first time it has happened, nor is it something I can stop. Heh, this makes me think of parallels of other life-forms... take, for example, a snake. Snakes have to molt out of their old skin and into a better fitting skin. I believe it's the same for me. My social aspect is undergoing a molt right now.
Anyway, I'm losing people as I think about them more. That's OK. Some things you have to give up.
As a side note, one reason I applied for this computer job was to make more friends. I'm tired of the low-paid, grouchy woman that I have no connection to.
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