Pulling back together

So I'm working the Night shift at Jack-in-the-Box now. I'm noticing that the fatigue I get from staying up late is very similar to the fatigue that I carry around on many a day. I'm noticing that I must be heavily sleep deprived. I'm kind of grateful for the night shift because it's busting me from my light sensitivity problem (where, no matter how late I stay up, the slightest hint of dawn wakes me up from the dead).

This night shift should go on for only 4 months, however, what I do with my summer is up in the air.

Honestly, I feel as though I'm wasting my time. I need the money for college, but I'm tired of working 40 hours a week at jobs that I don't care about. I feel that I'm literally watching every precious second of my valuable life squandered away, one moment at a time. Can you imagine the tragedy of living an entire life, one instant at a time, doing the things you don't care about?

I feel backed up against a wall, though. I still remember what it was like, only 4 months ago, to have just clothes, a bike, a pot, pan, bowl, fork, spoon, knife, and a dying laptop to carry me through (oh, and an Ipod that was given to me...)

I don't enjoy my days off. I get bored. When I'm at work, I get stressed. It's all retarded. Boredom complemented with stress is a recipe for disaster, too.


For boredom, the past 2 weeks, I've devoted three days to playing video games. Every time I finish playing, though, I feel so horrible. I don't like playing video games at all -- at least, the way I'm playing them. I feel like I just wasted a precious part of me. Spent good time on nothing. I did not enjoy it. I did not find the time spent to be meaningful.

The internet has turned rancid on me as well. At work, when I'm trying to just get through the day at a place that I think is despicable, I surf, and surf, and surf. There's nothing but garbage online, though. I've known that since I started my news-addiction back in 2001 (and have never been very happy since).

The only thing that I do enjoy is hanging out with Alisha. Actually, it's more like hanging out with people. I need the connection. In fact, I'm certain that video games have only been fun for me when I play with other people. The videogame itself is rather meaningless -- it's the connection I share with others (I've noticed that I cook instead of play video games with others).

Though, that's not all true. I want to spend time with others doing things that I enjoy doing. I want to grow. I want to get out and work with others to get things done. I want to have fun doing it (I'm afraid watching a movie or making love do not satisfy me at all). I love creating and sharing. Even if it's crap. ESPECIALLY if it's crap. That's the jewel of humanity. Crap.


So here's what I want. I want to stop browsing the internet and playing video games by myself. I want to stop working where I don't care about. I want to quit squandering my precious youth on the things that don't matter. Instead, I want to create, share, interact, and be active. I need to participate in this world, not drown it out!

When I get out of this job, I am going to figure out a way to stop spending time on the net. Drop off of it, or at least minimalize my experience. I want to read. I want to write. I want to paint and sing and play and surf and not give a damn. I want to combine work with play. I don't want to be the guy who, at the end of his life, declared "If I had just put in one more hour of overtime". I'm running out of time!

I will always be responsible, though...



why must I experience so much pain before I change my ways?!?? I know that, even when I get upset enough to change course, I will not change to the extent that I know is good for me, and I have a bad habit of forgetting what happened in the past, instead falling into a comfort zone (and when I decide to venture out of the zone, I'm always in for a very painful awakening).

Anyway, I'm still very much sleep deprived, and now I think the benadryl has been coursing through my brains for quite a while now (I am so numb, yet so in pain, that I barely notice anything -- even pain. What a train wreck)

In some ways, I'm so glad for this Night shift. I will not have anywhere to go at night, Alisha will not demand anything save sleep from me, and I will have nothing to do. I remember the depressing boredom I had back in August, and I realize I'm at the start of experiencing that if I choose to be lazy (though now I'm working, which will give me breaks). I do need time to be alone, so I can get myself back together, figure out who I am again, what I'm doing, why I haven't been myself for 10 months (I was so happy and carefree before. I was my truer self. Where did it go? Perhaps it was when I stopped taking my life into my own hands).

In any case, I got to start working for myself. Start outreaching. Stop this trainwreck.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.