Isn't Fatigue Strange?

Looking at my prior post, I'm realizing that it's a big piece of discombobulated garbage. I knew that it was the moment I wrote it. I was tired. I felt awake, though.

Fatigue is weird. To illustrate, a little bit before I wrote that post, I went to my two classes, and didn't learn a single thing. It felt like the teacher and movie (I think one of my teachers ditched class for Thanksgiving) were going too fast. I kept wishing I wasn't there.

I took a nap and I'm feeling better. Better, at least, to begin completion of my term paper.


While I took a nap, I kept having a painful dissatisfaction for how my life has been going when I get to do whatever I want to do. I have had this hit me 4 times in the past 6 years, and every time it's over the same thing.

I check the news incessantly. It's like I can't help it. I think somebody has coined a name for it -- it's a thrill not unlike what a gambler has.

I'm saddened over how much opportunity I had over this summer. I squandered so much time checking the headlines over and over, as well as just reading wikipedia. I know a lot of superfluous information, enough to title myself champion of the trivial.

Yet I don't know much about the things that I care about. I don't know much about popular culture (as if it mattered). I'm far behind in technical knowledge. I haven't met anybody new online. I'm not willing to check out new things, meet new people online. Create something from nothing. I don't like bitching about this, but it's the Sad State of the Nation of Darrel.

I don't want any of this. Instead, I want to expand my creativity, parade it around others, collaborate! I want to learn, but I want to use what I'm learning. Knowing ain't enough. I want to interact.

Participate, not spectate.

So I ask myself when I'm going to do this. I've had a lot of trouble getting the motivation together. I can't compel myself. I don't feel strongly enough. I feel too dead to give enough care about anything...

I've tried. I've set deadlines, I've told myself and reminded myself to do things. I don't listen, though. And I don't give enough of a care to make myself face up to it. I'm always half-hearted.

I'm tired of this.

What I'm doing isn't working anymore. Maybe it's because I don't have enough leisure time to screw around enough that I do what I feel is important. Maybe the consequences of doing what I feel is important makes me sad, so I go back to screwing around to feel better. Habits are addictive like that.

It's been said that habits are things that are easier to do than to not do. They say it takes 3 weeks of constant pressure to bust a habit and bring about new ones. They say that you should act on busting a habit now, rather than later.

Today, I am going to stop actively checking the news. I have nothing to replace this with, though, so I'll have to think about that. School alone will make me sad, so it's got to be something complimentary.

I guess I'll learn about news from anything but computer and television (as if I watched television... I guess the computer is). Maybe I'll stop looking at wikipedia, too. Go back to my old Everything2 stomping grounds? At least I was part of a community. No, everything2 is what started me into this mess. I don't know.

Time to put my head down and start the grinding work. Like robot.

And that's how I dodge reality.

I Want to Be Happy