MOUTH. STUFFING. NOW

geez! This com, ahem, "workstation" is hypersensitive right now! All the inputs are exacerbated. It's almost like it's on stricnine! Yipes!

School has been pretty tolerable lately. I feel like rebelling against one of my teachers (because she gives us quizzes that make me think "That's retarded!" over and over, and because she feels she can decided what we do and do not do (while I feel like I, being the consumer, ultimately have the right to decide what I do))

I don't feel strongly enough to do anything about it, though.

As for work, I've been doing well. Recently, I decided to hold a competition against myself: see how far up the rank of command in the Scripps chain I can get to before UCSD gives me the boot (with a diploma, hopefully). This will be helpful in conjunction with my UCSD degree since I plan on doing some sort of executive/consultant/specialist-translator work when I get out

In fact, now that I mention it, I should let all of you know that it's official: I've changed my major to communication, with at least a double minor in International Studies and Japanese linguistics.

I'm now feeling vibrant about my work career as the next step in my life. I feel as though school is a secondary, "optional" yet enriching component to my life. I always plan to study, but I don't think I will at the University level... community college, probably, since it's so dirt cheap... I won't know till I get older, I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! You moles out there... You voting?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Recently, I've been orchestrating the move-out of my girlfriend. She's still in Humboldt County, but she /really/ wants to come out here. I've been trying to get money together... I think my Christmas is gonna be lean/nonexistant. That's okay, though. I've had nonexistent Christmii (?) before. I'll eat a bunch of yams (and stuffing!) and call it good. Time off will make me go crazy, though.

I've thought that maybe, when I get time off, I should start learning how to be constructive. Start writing more, make music, start practicing the arts. My only problem, though, is that I want to share what I've got, rather than create something and keep it to myself. I really hate doing things all alone.

Bleh. I am still having trouble making friends. I haven't figured it out. I'm thinking part of it is that 1) I just don't jive with people's ideologies anymore (for example, most people I get exposed to are spending their time partying, and sadly I find their partying (with alcohol and mindless chit-chat) boring); 2) I'm a wee bit aggressive in meeting people, and serious in demeanor, and that makes people turn away; 3) people my age try to shield themselves from eachother, for fear of meeting a person they don't like.

I've noticed that in the process of survival over these past (almost) 2 years, I've lost a lot of my humanity. I'm so hard and tough, my skin is all leathery. I deal with absolutes. I don't bend to others. I can't just "have fun" because I don't "have enough time". It's great to have such a tone of sureity in the voice, but when you turn into just a mean robot, it sucks. I don't think creatively much anymore. The seeds of creatively are still alive, though. Sometimes one of them sprouts. But then the gardener shears it to the soil-level, hoping it never comes back. Those poor plants are confined to the dirt.

One day, I'm gonna kick that gardener's ass. Take him out for lemonade or something. And then make him an offer he can't refuse. Give him a waterpail. Hopefully he doesn't overwater the seeds.

Back to the dirt with ye!


See, the creativity comes out when I'm by myself. But when I'm with others it's just... gone! I know I have the potential when with others; I've seen it for myself. I value human contact above anything. I'm just gonna sit and wait on the fields of victory (and hopefully I won't die waiting)

One more thing about socializing: it's possible that it isn't me, it's just my environment. I know that my school is pretty anti-social (I always try to lock eyes with others wherever I walk, but nobody looks at me. They always look away even before looking at me), and my workplace is confined to people in cubicles, rarely seeing or hearing one another (especially when the ipods are turned on. Technology breaking us apart?)

I've thought about how maybe I am a victim of my environment, but then I see that others are succeeding. They're talking to people. They got connections. They're happy and they have fun. They are living proof that it's possible at UCSD.

So, it must be something that I'm doing that's wrong. Maybe I'm just not letting myself go enough.

Though I haven't seen it, I've read some stuff about that Borat movie. I've seen Borat on The Ali G Show, and I don't like his character, But I want to see this movie. There's something socially important about his character, I've learned. Borat allows the actor to do things that the actor could not do on his own. For example, I guess that there's a scene at a real-life rodeo where the actor, in Borat character, continues to mock Americans over and over again. People were fearing that his life was in danger. Because he was just getting people angrier and angrier. Apparently, several times, the security team attempted to get him out of the rodeo because of the flaring tension!

When the actor was interviewed, he was asked if he could've done that while being himself. The answer was that he couldn't have even gotten in the arena! The fact that he was able to go so far, because he was in character, testifies to the power of wearing the mask of a character. It is for this that, I believe, if you don't like the movie, you haven't been paying attention.

It's funny, though. When I was younger, I used to wear "masks" of different characters. All the way to 2003, I had knack for pretending. However, it was hard to distinguish whether they were the real me or not. After the painful transition to adulthood, I lost it all. I'd like to revisit the use of roles, those "masks", to empower myself a bit more.

The only thing cooler than wearing masks to get into situations you'd never go into is getting into situations you'd never go into without a mask (and not having any fear).

I wonder if any of this makes any sense. I should be doing homework right now.

Before I sign off, I want to document one more thing: I'm noticing that my life works in cycles, and I want to hopefully leave a note to my future self (or just memorize, hopefully one of them gets the job done) about that. I'm noticing that daylight savings seems to be the special transitory point of where life is sucking or succeeding, particularly because of a strange physical misunderstanding of time conception. When the world goes to regular time, I have a hard time keeping myself on track with the world. I get behind.

On regular time, I'll wake up, but not be ready for it. I'll slowly fight to get myself together. I'll get going. But now i'm late! As time goes on, I have to fight for everything because it's not the "right" time to do it.Before I know it, it's bedtime and I'm still stuck in the afternoon!

Needless to say, I get a whole lot less done on standard time.

On Daylight Savings, I get to work. Things get done. I start catching up, and quickly get going, blazing a trail of success.

Now, within those constraints, on an annual level of analysis, I notice that after daylight savings in the spring ends, I slow down, just in time for summer. I get lazy over the summer, and kind of care, but can't get myself together. Then, fall hits and I realize I gotta get going. But I can't. This causes extreme stress. It's not until daylight savings that things get together. I start working at the right times. I do what I tell myself I'll do. I find that things get even easier and easier. And by the time daylight savings ends again the following spring, I'm really ramped up and busy (and I love it).

One thing I notice about the fall is that I have a lack of entertainment. I decide that I've got to keep working to stay on track, and I don't take a time out for fun. I think this is a mistake. This is why I hate August/September/even October with a passion, and November/December/January/February are so great. I mix my fun with my work. I take time out for it.

When March and April roll around, I decide that I should spend more time working, and I do. But then daylight savings comes around and I get discomfuckulated and things start failing. Just in time for the semester (now, quarter) to end.

The past 5 years have been this way. Ever since I graduated from HighSchool, I've noticed this cycle. It needs to end now.

I'm so hungry for thanksgiving stuffing that it's not funny anymore. And I don't know why.