Thanksgiving eve is upon me. During this time period, I've made it a tradition to have my hair cut in a way I'd normally never let be, followed by a buzzing. I wonder if I should keep it on this time, though. I may be forsaking my job for another one at Jack-in-the-Box. My Aunt (who works at the corporate office) has a lead for an IT management job that may really help my resume. Oh, and I may get the chance to leave my mark of health-consciousness on the fast food biz.
I am glad to know that people everywhere are getting something to eat, and for this I credit fast food. Giving people low quality, cheap foodstuffs is better than nothing. But I know they can do better. What is probably the biggest problem is that these companies are chasing money, not the feeding of people. And for this, we have an obese problem.
I've known people who hate the fast food business for the feeding reasons. In many ways, I can agree that there's quite a bit wrong with them. I mean, the food is high in fat & carbs, salt, and low in nutrients. The colors in the food are all artificial -- even the bun. The work is done by kids & (at least in our country) illegal immigrants, whom I feel are being exploited: the work in one of those places is boring, stressful and dangerous (I worked in fast food for 2 weeks because I was starving. It was so bad, I quit)!
I don't think fast food will ever go away. I don't think it's possible to change everything. Maybe even changing one thing in it would be difficult, or even impossible. But, wouldn't it be cool to say, "Hey, I made this change in it, and that helped!"? If anything, I think it's better to try and fail than to never attempt.
Anyway, I didn't really want to talk about fast food. I wanted to talk about Thanksgiving Eve.
To me, the ritual of cutting my hair is much like the idea of tabula rasa. It's kind of a signal to me to start over. Maybe even do something new. Why I chop the hair symbolizes two things to me: the memory of the extreme growth and almost-renaissance I had around the time I started the tradition with Paul; and an ongoing reminder that I'm starting afresh (nothing like feeling a breeze on your bald head, or even a small rubbing to feel the bristles, to remind you that you're starting things different).
Remembering the time, it was such a difficult time. It was definitely a pain period. Trying to forge a suitable identity, in the face of living in a precarious environment, made things difficult. I was trying to get through school as fast as I could. I was worried that I would begin to pay rent, and not make it through school. I really did not want to be stuck at that wretched hospital (and yes it is wretched). I was lured in by Meghannraye, wasting my time and money (on gas for that 4runner) often. I didn't know what was going to happen to me. I just kept going.
What hit me toward the end of the fall semester last year was a new influx of ideas. I, somehow, was open enough to give up my own ideas and embrace new ones. I was willing to give up friends; I gave up Meghannraye. I was burned out from school because I was trying too hard in all of my classes (especially English and Spanish... that Spanish class was kind of useless because the teacher tried to cram everything in to the semester, rather than spending time making sure we understood the language. I missed the first spanish teacher that I had every single meeting). I started becoming proficient at English, but the hours and hours of writing and resubmissions to the professor burned me out (I decided at the beginning of the semester to not get an A, but to write outstanding essays... if the professor would be willing to help me (which, thankfully, he was!))
This whole meltdown of everything got me ready for change. I gave up my opinions, and listened to the opinions of others (this can be dangerous, but when you got nothing to lose...). I remember getting a book, The Game, that for the first time showed me social interaction. It taught me more than picking up girls (which is a major theme of the autobiography). Among other things, it taught me about being in control, and it taught me to not hang on other peoples words for action -- which then translates to not needing others for contentment. I have forgotten everything. Now that I think about it, this youtube video, which I learned from a streamed interview by The Game's author, Neil Strauss, is great in that it shows how to deal with punks, be it women or men. I really respect Tom Cruise, despite his shortcomings (his humanity).
And now, seeing the ad banner on the right side by the youtube video, I'm coming to realize that marketing is only one step away from having topless women streaming through ads. You can see cleavage, nipples and all in this picture! Thinking about other cultures, combined with men being able to go around topless, makes me think this is okay, I think...
Anyway, back to the book. Despite the really unhealthy living situation in the second half, I really like that book! It's very honest.
I think I'm being way too jumpy on topics right now. Aya. I should also be doing my homework, due in 4 hours. I'll be sure to finish it...
Before I go, I guess I'll leave myself a small dilemma to not resolve... at least for today. Thinking about what I've learned from PM, I have been taught that control is the opposite of compassion -- control is a form of fear. On the other hand, control, as I have proven to myself, makes me really happy. Steering conversations, being the leader, calling the shots, telling people "fuck you" when they tell me I'm wrong, and so forth, is something I enjoy. (In fact, I spent all winter break reading books that oriented around social constructs and control, be it the concept of lies, charlatan tactics, aristocratic maneuvers, persuasion and manipulation (of which I used to on the 3 dogs at Paul's house, all fighting to be my "favorite"). I know that I like this stuff!
Further, I am sad when I've given up these sorts of things. I feel adrift in the doldrums. I feel like I'm coasting. I hate it.
But, on the other hand, I think PM is right, at least ideologically. So, what to do? I don't know. Maybe I'll just go the wrong way. Maybe I'll understand the right way someday.
In any case, I'm itching for an influx of new culture into my life. Tired of coasting, as I have since May.
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