Keys to Writing Success... for Weiners

Okay. I've got to bail from the dungeon level of this wicked temple tower, in all its crushingly cruel power. But, before i skip out on all of my dungeon-mates (that'd be you), I wanted to give you my secrets to writing perfect papers.

1. Spend time away from friends and family. All day, every day. Repeat for a looooonnnnng time. Although it's nigh-well impossible to have no contact (even if you have no telephone like I do), having a minimal amount of time spent is good enough

2. Replace said socializing time with economic reports, repeat episodes of the News, and anything else that kills the brain with meaningless data, trivial facts, and so forth. Careful not to find a story. In fact, just go read wikipedia, for boozises' sake. You'll safely get convert yourself into the right mindset.

3. Begin writing.

The idea here is much like aging balsamic vinegar.

In balsamic vinegar preparation, you want the sourest shit you can get, and I mean SOUR, so you force oak bits into cooked grapes gone bad for years and years, hoping that, slowly, a reaction takes place, giving you woody grape shit. Or, if you're American, you grind trees to sawdust and then mix it in with unbalsamatized vinegar, made in a metal barrel to simulate the shitty wood taste.

It's not unlike the taste of an old wooden cooking spoon with rotten macaroni & cheese mushed all over.

So, as we can see, whoever came up with balsamic vinegar was a genius. And that is why we are applying these same techniques to your brain. Because that's genius product.

Back to the paper.

In particular, your paper will have the edge Graduate School students beg for. The secret is that there's a guaranteed great one-two-three punch here (remember that most papers ask for three topics to back up the thesis).

You'll be so lonely, and so crazy for socializing, that you'll write a lot, And I mean A LOT, when that paper becomes due.

Further, since your social skills will have crashed, your topics will probably be long-winded, making A LOT a whole lot bigger. And that's what pork is all about. Jupiter, too. It will take you so long to find the right arguments, while you're trying to somehow communicate with the teacher via a long-winded essay for desparation of a life, you'll look like you really know what you're talking about.

Further, there's a safety net. After spending so much time learning trivialities, you will have a tendency to communicate about said trivialities. The result? Not just a long-winded paper but a boring one, one where the teacher either falls asleep, or, if your teacher is one of those people too dedicated to give up hope, one where he/she discovers that part of your data-nic essay was really just a mental incantation of selling one's soul to Satan presented through a mental voice of Dan Rather. Witness the power of the method!

I hope all of you understand why it's important to be succesful at writing. Think of how you can control teachers minds. Think of how much better your life would be. Observe how all fall before the might of your paper. The printer is mightier than the gun.

Now, if I could go see a chiropractor, maybe my back would stop acting up