*This Post Has Been Modified. Again and again and again...*
Ok. I don't really know who reads this blog (though I know a few people do, since they email me responses (why don't you try using the comments button at the bottom?)) but as you are well aware, this is my blogspace and I write whatever I want/think/whatever, without any holdback (I do realize that this could be my downfall, but everything works out in the end). I may be criticized about what I write this time, but I can't stop thinking about it. I want to level everything out. What's more, I have written previously that this blog is to be a snapshot of my life in the moment. It's important to me, even if there's some posts that I write once and am too embarrassed to look at again (which I bet this one will be). I may and probably will look at this post, years from now, and exclaim, "What were you thinking, Darrel? That was stupid." I guess I'm doomed, but here's looking at you, future Darrel! *Looks at future Darrel*
And, on a final note, my head is undergoing a crisis at the moment, whilst my heart does its confusion thang. I'm wondering whether I should be writing at all today, since I have some very, very, very important decisions to make.
Here goes...
I've been thinking about Jamie way too much lately. It's something that never really stopped when we broke up. I thought the thoughts would go away when I broke up with her, but they didn't. I worked on drowning it out with work and the support of friends, but it didn't stop it. The fact that I keep looking at her blog and deviantart really hasn't helped, either. Like most pains, I tried to just let the feeling/emotion go in through me, passing through, and then out the other side. But these pains aren't going away. Like waves in the ocean, they keep pounding me.
They're getting stronger.
I noticed that the postings on her blog were beginning to mention me. I shouldn't be eavesdropping on my ex's stuff, but i couldn't help it. I have confessions to make: I still love her, and no one succesfully stopped me. I lied to her and to myself.
She broke up with me; we were supposed to not be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore. we had been on the brink of breaking up for a long time (mainly with issues (concerning me) that are resolved now), and sometimes I thought we had broken up. But we hadn't. Then, when she did, I didn't let her back out. I didn't want to play the cat-and-mouse game of breaking up anymore. I wanted to try something new to see if it would work.
I don't know why I chose to lie rather than be up front and tell her I wanted to try something new, just to see if it would work. Lying never works. But I know I was a desperate person back in that time. Maybe it was partially not because of her, but because the friend group that I was with had such rigid, strong bonds that I felt it was impossible to get away without disposing of everything (the group that I was with treated me terribly towards the end. Mayhaps I wanted a quick end? I know that they are not terrible people, but I still remember...). Maybe there were just too many problems for me to deal with at the time. I had been overwhelmed with problems, and there was nobody around in the aforementioned group who could help me out. Maybe they could've helped me out, but there were problems within the group that made me feel uncomfortable sharing myself with them that I couldn't express to them directly. Maybe it was my old group of friends trying to reclaim me, and me wanting to be reclaimed. The only problem was that they were disdainful of everyone in my former group. Maybe it was the completely new group that I met that had broken up the same day: Duncan and Ray. Maybe I didn't want to fall prey to the "cycle of death", as they had. In fact, as I piece this together for the 3rd time, it's all coming back...
I know that there was profound, concealed jealousy at the time, though I think I was really incorrect and distracted for feeling that way.
Whatever is the case, I lied. When I lied, I didn't think about what I was saying. "I don't love you anymore" was just like babbling "fah seh guhla guhla". I numbed myself to it all. I didn't let myself think about the reaction, I tried to just be in a trance/altered state of conscious during and after I said it. In a way, it's like saying it to a wall. How easy is it to say something to a wall? Maybe I was saying it to the windup teeth. Whatever the case, me saying what I did was extremely cold.
I take full responsibility for what I said when I left her house that day. You can't not think about it forever; if you're me, you're compelled to. And when you do, it hurts. While i struggled to cope with the feelings, letting them pass, I tried to forget what I had said, or at least as much detail as possible. To this day, I remember tiny bits and things but not much else.
I didn't stop calling her, though I noticed that she was gravitating towards talking to me less and less. I was alarmed, cuz, goshdarnit, I was still in love. I knew she was going to end it all, because I couldn't let go.
And i'm also discovering that I still can't (That sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.)!
I used my friends talkings to keep me from thinking about her. They didn't like her that much, but they didn't understand. Heh, this sounds so sleazy but to me she really is one-in-a-million. I could've had a relationship with Shannon but instead I became a mediating friend so she would meet Ray. Despite the huge scandal, I never slept with Meghanraye. Leah was never someone I could've been happy with. Katie Von Kelso is only interested in sexuality. None of these people ever captivated my heart, none of these people were I ever interested in.
But i couldn't handle her. I had this problem of being in a state of comfort that rendered me similar to a harvested cabbage. I was going nowhere being with her, and everyone else was progressing. Though this isn't necessarily true, I felt that way. Perception is the most important part of reality. I had too many troubles, and couldn't get a grip on myself.
When we finally stopped talking I tried to not think about her, but it got worse and worse. I've tried testing my willpower against all kinds of things in an effort to use my willpower not to think of her or want to be with her (because the relationship is so shot, I don't think it'll ever work again. She is so reactive to negative things, and the things I did at the end of our communique are the equivalent of capital relationship punishment (CARP or CRAP (heh)). I know I wasn't going to say what it was that I was testing my willpower against, but I had a serious change of mind after thinking about the exact sentence that said I wouldn't mention my willpower test. This is my blog and I don't hide my feelings (Even when people see them).
I had a progress test in place. I was going to stop looking at her blog. Just quit cold turkey. I was having another wicked wave of nyanko-nalgia and told myself that I was going to look at her blog one... last... time... for once and for all (ok, so maybe not for a year or two. That's usually enough time)
When I served my last request, I saw her post about how she had been thinking about me. If that isn't mockery, what is?
Scratch the de-nyanko-ization from that staging point (I'm tired and said I wouldn't be writing anymore, but... the short of it is that things like this keep happening to me. I'm fatally screwed. My friends can only whisper misinformation in my ear for so long. I've been drunk on lies. It's a terrible thing)
A monkey wrench had been thrown into my heart's mechanics. Meghanraye kept saying, "Aw, you're in love with her still, aren't you?" -sigh-
Paul kept threatening, and even once attempted to throw away the portraits the Jamie had given me. Sensei kept throwing her into the forefront during movies, which, while all of it was recycled stuff he had been saying for a long time, kept reminding me of her during what I wanted to be the prime time of distraction (for me).
In general, It's like there's this subconscious message that everyone is telling me. Even if they don't realize it.
On a side note, it's kind of weird. On Jamie's blog was a posting about her dream of me (here comes the eavesdropper again. I am not proud) she said something about "the conqueror". I had already planned on using the name, "konqueror" for a post heading for a little while. Coincidence? I have had my faith shaken before.
I have so many things to write, like what solutions i propose (I dunno. I need time to think. I don't think there's any action to take at this moment), and whether I want her to see this post (it was gonna be posted whether she saw it or not. In honesty, yeah i want her to see it but i'm also worried about that), and all kinds of other things. But i'm late for accounting class again. Bah
Perception is Reality
D.
update: I should mention that the previous was written in 30 minutes. That's not a lot of time, so i poured my heart into it, unleashing what I could given the limited time. Originally I only added a sentence and changed one word, but now... go read it again if you already have!
Something that's usually too abstract to explain occurs to me right now in a form that's not too difficult to explain (nay, you may say easy?). Something is just so... right about Jamie. Most of you may never know or understand. (Am I losing the abstract idea as I type away?). To leave her and never talk to her again... -sigh-. It's a stupid, classic idea that always strikes me. But I think i've lost too much. Some other time, then.
Will the end result of it all be like girls past, where I basically think in my head, "Ah, the ball is in her court. If she wants something started up again, she'll have to speak to me" and nothing ever happens, and that's the end of story? The last time I saw her she didn't want to see me again. Going back would be suicide or something, yes? Well then I guess I'm screwed.
Before you people go, I want you all to know that this is all stuff that has recurred in my head over and over again. Stating it at least gets it out in the open. That's all I'm doing...
I'd like to type some more, but i'm quite tired. Its been a long day, full of everything.
Oh. Jamie, if you read this, I COMPLETELY didn't mean to but I got 654 on your deviantart (even have the screenshot). There it was, staring me in the face. I'm not asking for anything though.
Maybe I'll just be her biggest secret fan
D.
