DurDur conveys another blog (emotion?)

Well, today is the day that I earn my academic keep. The 'hell march of three' really spaced out classes keeps me in the LRC (Learning Resource Center) of college for a day like forever. And while i dislike being here, I overall enjoy it, as I like the architecture of the place and the contrast with the hills outside (especially when the sorrounding hills are foggy), teamed with the high speed internet and an environment that compels me to do my homework (unlike home). I need something to keep me busy and the LRC fills it. Today I got to enjoy the joys (cheesy!) of writing out three math assignments to get caught up in math class, take a test in meteorology, and (soon) take a test in macroeconomics. So far, so good. Just need to keep busy. I look over at the sound proof rooms and see japanese students practicing japanese, probably cramming for a skit i suppose. I contemplate visiting them and offering them help.
In other news, Phase 2 has been working perfectly. I have been talking to an equal number of males and females, just out-of-the-blue, striking up conversations. I say "hello" to people i've never met before. I even complimented a man on his bumblebee kilt! Am i patting myself on the back? No. I'm just reporting. To myself. Upon future reflection. In the future. yesssssss......
I have come to the conclusion that i'm one screwed up, confused person, and that bothers me (I try to fix what at least kind of matters to me, although this of course *really matters* to me). I'm trying to get my head straight but I have so many issues that i just can't. However, i'm not that bothered by it. I know that i'll figure myself out some day in the future (after all, I have some 80 odd years left to live, right? Many chances for different lifestyles. At least I know that it's possible to miss them so i'll be sure not to pass them up accidentally).
I have figured out that i'm highly influenced to suggestion, so much so that i demand it from some people sometimes. It's a remnant of my old past that I haven't been able to cope with or alter, and it causes problems when i'm not around many different people at different times. As I get to know people better, they influence more and more aspects of me, leaving me to be an empty husk reproduction of themselves (which people do not enjoy).
Also, as people get to know me more and more, and I them, my behavior based upon what i've learned of them due to events (bad or not bad) causes me to stop taking risks or acting certain ways in front of them. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. It cements everything out when a person gives in to another person, because the opposite party (that is, the one not giving in) is deriving pleasure from being with the person giving in, while getting used to the person. It can be a bad thing because, for me, just one single bad event can modify my behavior in such extreme ways that I don't risk doing anything relating to that bad memory of the event in any way, causing other aspects of me to dwindle and fall, Stagnation.
For me, The sad truth is that, with the limited group that i'm with, I want to stay with and not change. I'm miserable because I am not performing the way I used to, which used to be integrating large volumes of information and relaying that information to other members of the group that i created around me. Instead, I have stopped being with large groups of acquaintances and have instead stuck with a limited group, getting to know them deeply. The consequence of this is that I have little to contribute to my limited group of friends and I feel (and get reactions that indicate) that i am just a bore. Kind of like a benign tumor. And yet I do not want to change the group of people i'm with, even if they are indicating to me that they aren't enjoying my company that much. I think that what's going to happen, whether i like it or not, is that the people i'm with are going to eventually drop me, forcing me to innovate. It'll be a sad time for me, but it'd probably be for the best in the end. I know that, particularly in my primary group of 3 and 1/2 (mr. Arbitrog equals .5) they want me to participate with them in what they do, but I don't enjoy what they do that much, as (with some activities) it's on their terms or we've done the same activity so much that i'm sick of doing it (too much of a good thing). I guess what I need is to learn as I'm doing whatever, or i'm not having fun (maybe not quite true. Hmm... Probably not, but it certainly helps). In any case, the primary group of 3.5 understands this and feels bad when i'm not interacting with them. They hate having me around when I act the way I do (I fall asleep. Yeah, I know it's lame in the extreme but I get tired when i'm bored for a prolonged period of time), and try hard to get me to have fun with them. I'm glad that they try to get me involved, though it bothers me that 1) it stresses the relationship with the 2 (.5 usually not there) when i'm consistently having to be pushed to do something and 2) I sort of feel like they are probably thinking that I'm just not participating for the attention and that bothers me, for I don't want to ask anything of them.
In any case, I'm really confused with my life right now. I keep getting pains as though i'm depressed, but I keep on telling myself that i'm not depressed. They hurt really bad like depression but they go away really quickly. I have been keeping an eye on myself and have found that when i tell myself that i'm depressed I decide that, "If I'm depressed, I'd better act like it" and then I AM depressed (and it's hard to get out of at that point). It hurts me and everyone else who really cares about me when i'm depressed, as well as I get negative reactions from everyone around me. I know it's in my best interest not to be depressed, and I do try, but sometimes it's really hard not to give in to the sad pains i get inside occasionally.
At this point i'd like to conclude that 1) I'm a really confused bunny @_@, and 2) everything that I EVER write in here, confused or no, should be taken with a grain of salt. I am an irrational person, and my rules are not absolute. See Thich Nhat Hanh, if you missed clicking on the title of previous posts (Click it Nyanko! You know you better! I love you!)