Going Commando!

Okay. I've really, really, really wanted to have an overview post posted on here so I don't have to recall too much. But, given the large amount of commitment it would be to write, I have never truly attempted it!

Until now.

However, I didn't do it for this page. I am writing a letter to a long-lost friend whom I'm trying to reconcile with. However, this overview, though it has more than I want, is a little bit too brief. There's so many experiences and memories that have occurred these six years, I couldn't begin to write about them. So, since this is the only compromise available, I'll take it.

This letter is not finished -- it took me the entire afternoon and evening to write (less dinnertime) and so there will be more later.

Here goes!

Jeremiah,

Six years is a long time. Because of that, I feel as though communicating via email won’t do any catch-up justice; instead, I have a horrid feeling that communicating via email will actually screw up the catching-up process. Despite past experiences that lead me to believe this instinct to be true, I still think I at least owe you a brief overview of what I’ve done these past six years – and an apology.

Way back in the Fall of 2001, I learned that I was ultimately going to have to go to Humboldt County if I wanted to go to college. I was still planning on going to Alaska (which I did in October) but I all but knew that the University in Anchorage was not going to accept me.

However, I knew that you absolutely hated Humboldt County and that dire consequences would result should I return (I remember what happened to Evan when he went with his stoner friend after you threatened to not be his friend anymore). But, to me Humboldt County cried out my name, and I didn’t know of any other realistic options. I couldn’t get a job anywhere because I was 16. There was just as much to do in Utah as there was in Humboldt County – nothing (this was shocking to me, to come back and realize that there was nothing to do). I couldn’t get into college in Utah (didn’t recognize my diploma). I refused to go back to High School because it was always such a boring experience (I moved around so often that I could never get into extracurricular activities), the school I would’ve went to was xenophobic (rednecks), and I simply wouldn’t settle for anything less than college. To top it off, I finally kicked the habit of playing video games (by installing a RH linux development distro), so I had nothing to do. Thus, I was idle all the time, preferring to study philosophy and anything else I could find (I’m sure I went insane a few times from reading philosophy/idleness cocktail). I would’ve lived unhappily ever after for much longer, though if it wasn’t for the fact that, while I was idle, all of my friends were still going to high school and becoming academically stronger. I felt like I was left behind on the academic trail. So, I decided that I had to take my life into my own hands and get to Humboldt somehow.

Now here’s where I have to apologize. As I wrote earlier, I knew going back was something you strongly disapproved of. And so, I knew I was effectively breaking off from you (we were supposed to be blasting that joint, never to return). However, as I thought about how to go about my relations with you, I recalled that you wanted others to break away from you rather than you breaking away from them because you didn’t want to be the causer of pain (I recall you saying that about your relationship with others after the whole Megan Miller thing). And so I decided, “Well, I’ll just write that we ought to split and go our own ways, since it is true that we are (I’m over here; he’s over there. I’m not going where he’s going; he’s not going where I’m going)”. What’s more, though, I wanted to conceal where I was going from you because I feared something nasty would happen. And this is where I need to apologize. I am sorry that I deceived you by not disclosing the full truth and splitting off from you needlessly. Though I don’t worry about it too much anymore because I know that I wasn’t very mature then (at least compared to now), I have never forgotten how bad I have felt for doing that. So, even though I’ve grown up so much since that time (as I’m sure you have – I have a feeling you’re just laughing at this lightheartedly) I’d like it if you would accept my apology.

Before I go on, I want to tell you about two strange things that happened. The first one is that I remember vividly that I kept getting dreams of you dying. Night after night, I’d have them, and I couldn’t understand them. I think I even told you one of them, once. Usually it involved you being sentenced for something horrible, and I was there to try and save you, but I just couldn’t. They were weird dreams. I don’t think dreams mean much in the way of the real world, though.

The other strange thing is that my father had a vision of me and two other people, in full military gear, dying on a hill, and my mother crying. although I had been up for almost 30 hours, I was so wide awake after he told me that, I was shocked. Now, I don’t think I believe in such things as visions. But there are some things that I won’t even test. And so, when he told me that, I have never considered going into the service ever again. (I really hope you weren’t one of the people sent to die with me in that vision, if it really was one).

(Hmm… this letter is getting much longer than I wanted. I’ll just give you the skinny and leave it at that.)

Anyway, while in Alaska, the entire family (my 2 sisters, my father, and I) basically suffered. Anchorage was not a pleasant place to be. I didn’t get into the University, and it’s terribly dark and lonely there at that time of year (there’s a lot of assholes on the road (and moose!). Everywhere we went there was an up-side-down car on the side of the road.). What’s more, my father got very paranoid about lice being on my body, since I had had two really bad reactions of swelling/speckled red spotted/itchiness that nobody could figure out. He made me keep the window to our apartment open, in the middle of winter, without the heater. Let me tell you, mummy bags are your friend.

During that time, I got a synthesizer, and spent a lot of time just practicing piano. Apart from that, I think it was there that I went nutsy. Anchorage, of all places.

Since it sucked so bad, my father decided he was going to cut his contract prematurely and move down to Utah. Right then, I saw my chance and tried to persuade him to move to Humboldt County.

It almost worked. While he didn’t move to Humboldt County, he did move to Crescent City. The day he decided to cut his contract, my return trip plane ticket came due and I decided to take it back to Utah. At the very least, I knew that I could go to College of the Redwoods in Crescent City.

I think December of that year was one of the worst months I’ve ever had. It’s strange how one can go from having such an enjoyable life to one of sheer torturous hell in as little as six months. I came back to my grandparent’s house anticipating to be back on the North Coast soon. I don’t remember too much while at my grandparents, except that I was fighting boredom again, and that I had the really bad rash come over me for the third time, this time so badly that both my legs swelled to twice their sizes and my hand a third larger.

Oh, and I spent a lot of time exploring fractals on my wimpy computer. That was pretty cool.

Finally, on December 25, I took off for Crescent City. Once I got there, though, my father, who was so paranoid about the “bugs” made me shave off all of my hair and keep it off every few days. He did the same. We looked like freaks. At least it was Crescent City…

I think my father’s extreme naivety and paranoia has really hurt my relationship with him.

Anyway, I spent a month in Crescent City, when it looked like my father was going to get fired there (there was a scandal at St. Joseph hospital in Eureka involving my father and some lady who kept approaching him for sex, and since Sutter Coast Hospital is a part of the St. Joseph health chain…). My father planned to go back to Utah, but I pushed him to take me to Arcata. He did, and I literally begged my brother’s girlfriend’s (now fiancée) parents to let me stay (Jan 16). They let me, and helped me get into college. I had to get up at 5 in the morning every day, but I was fine with that.

Soon after, I visited Evan, and he told you about my arrival there. I found out that you had excommunicated everyone, and I thought that sucked. But, I was too relieved to be back to “doing something” to try to do anything. As I recall, I didn’t even want to try defending it (take the ball and run?) because I didn’t want to jeopardize anything.

Anyway, now I’m gonna try to be real brief. A lot happened that I’m not going to mention, including a car accident, moving every which way, stuff I bought, the many cars I owned (and destroyed), job searches, etc…

I got into CR on my birthday (01/23/02) and I took a fulltime load. I got a car on my brother’s birthday (03/20/02), and got into a car accident a week later (Maybe I *will* mention it!) because it had been 7 months since I had driven and I had only driven for 3 weeks total. Made a friend (among others) named Ian at school (more on him later), and finished the semester horribly (had a tough English teacher and a math teacher who couldn’t do algebra. Left a math problem involving a septic tank pump rate to be about the same as Niagara Falls. He flunked me, after I had passed college algebra equivalents twice. My plans of becoming a physicist were permanently ruined at that moment, and I didn’t go back into math for a few years… I should’ve taken the calculus placement test. Those teachers were much better. (as a side note, I’m sure I’ll get a degree in physics some day. Just not as my first degree))

Over the summer, I took more school, and got a job at WinCo Foods as a cart pusher. I made school secondary to work, since I had to survive first. Had a few cars at this time. This was the same time when the infamous “Summer of LAN” was happening at Evan’s house. Very crazy.

Fall semester came. Took classes part-time. Worked full-time. Made more friends. Had some very crazy experiences with my Japanese teacher that I hope never happen again (Evan can tell you about that. I refuse.). Met my soon-to-be first girlfriend, Jamie. I discovered alcohol (though I didn’t and don’t imbibe much). Towards the end of the semester (Dec 2002), Ian began to become my best friend and Jamie and I began to really hit it off. I couldn’t have been happier. I got Evan a job as a cart pusher. Though times were super shitty (rain as intense as a waterfall (black pavement makes rain fall harder) falling all day, drenching our clothes with cold Humboldt wet. cold cold COLD wind. Dangerous conditions in the parking lot) I had so much fun working with him that I’d do it all over again (it was almost like our special challenge… the busiest grocery shopping days of the year. You man enough to the challenge?). I didn’t do too well in school again, though not as bad as the first semester.

Spring semester came. I go to school part-time, and work full-time. Jamie becomes my girlfriend, and Ian my best friend. I move into Katie Von Kelso’s mother’s basement (such a COOL basement). I slack off really bad in school. I get promoted at work to a checker but, two months later, my father promises to pay for college, and so I quit my job on tax day (04/15). I was getting used to being lazy. I start getting a little bit bored, but I’m really loving life overall. Evan gets kicked out of his father’s house, and moves into his mother’s house. I and he stop communicating, for no reason, after a few weeks of me not working anymore.

By the end of the semester, I somehow finagled A’s (beginning in the last 2 weeks) when, on a test, my Japanese teacher gives me an A “for effort” (I was catching up as fast as I could). His giving me an A on a test I flunked inspires me and taught me that school is all about working hard (something I had forgotten due to my custody battles that happened in middle school). By the end of the semester, I finish ahead of the Japanese class by three chapters.

The summer that never ended happened. I go to school full-time. I accidentally start a circle of friends (Jamie, Kyle, Ian, and I) and I start excluding everyone around me. Boredom starts really creeping in and I start becoming a little depressed. Jamie notices unconsciously and begins to stop liking me. Instead, she starts liking Ian because he’s very positive and busy doing things. I get jealous because I’m too busy focusing on what he’s doing instead of what I’m doing. I get even more depressed, and the cycle starts spiraling downward fast. Gay people are hitting on me constantly at this time, which was kind of funny (I’ve gotten used to it), though to this day I’m still creeped out by the number of times it occurred (I think I had every single un-straight person in Humboldt County coming after me. No joke). Evan and I see each other maybe twice and I found out that he was having a real hard struggle with his girlfriend. I remember drinking Frosty’s Root Beer all of the time. It was a bitter-sweet summer, overall.


As a side thought, I think I understand now what you were going through with Megan those many years ago. Trying to get away, the heart-string pulling, getting yourself back together, falling back down. The treachery and the love. The manipulation. The “handcuffed to the towel rack and humped unapologetically” experience (don’t tell anyone that I’ve done that).

For me, I couldn’t let go of my group, though my group was ripping me apart. Jamie started telling me how she liked Ian because he did this or that, etc. etc., and she would tell me that she was bored with me. She meant the world to me, and her breaking away from me was so harsh that she would feel bad, she would come back, only to break away from me, again and again and again. I wasn’t ready to let go. It was total agony from the inside-out, and it made an interesting cocktail with boredom.

Fall Semester occurs. School part-time. Work full time at the end. Possibly the lowest point of my life happens in late October. That month, Jamie keeps dumping me, I start to really starve because my father reneges his support on me two months earlier, and I can’t find a job. I drop out of some of my classes because I’m too depressed and probably malnourished. I get tougher, though. I start visiting businesses every other day for work, though I don’t get anything until October 31, when twelve places call me to work for them for the holiday season (I went back to work at WinCo as a cart pusher with Evan and Greg, our Australian friend). Though I really cared about my friends, I break away from Ian and Kyle in December to end the madness of Jamie (I knew I couldn’t get away from Jamie without getting away from them). Cut-the-limb-to-save-the-body sort of thing. Two weeks later I break up with Jamie (instead of she breaking up with me). I start seeing PM again for the first time in a year and a half, and he gets my head on straight. Additionally, PM teaches me how to cook, and life in general. I went to planet health each morning with him and Saloman (Evan joined sometimes!), and breakfast club on Wednesdays.

It was that point of time that, after totally annihiliating my identity, right then and there, I felt in total control of my life and so I started building a new life around working hard. Strangely, for all the pain there, I think it was a necessary rite-of-passage into the real world. But, I feel as though something did die that semester.

I end up spending a lot of time with my friend Meghannraye.

Spring Semester 04 occurs. I go to school full-time (private lessons and college), work full-time. I start learning how to forge knives. I take private lessons from my Japanese teacher (since the college was out of courses), which is also where I begin seeing lots of old movies (he has a VAST collection of old movies in a large library). I learn from Pm. I start really loving life again, only this time it’s from being busy, instead of someone else.

In April, after not talking to her a single time, Jamie visits me. We start being friends again (with benefits?) At the end of the semester I start engineering an escape from grocery stores into the fascinating blah blah of clerical work. Evan contemplates going into the airforce.

Summer semester 04. I quit WinCo and work at Mad River Community Hospital (MRCH). Not much happens, other than I meet new people and life slows down. I start working with Katie Bob’s mom.