Busting through the Mighty River

Ok. It has been a while, but not too much has changed.

As of last week, I am on a leave of absence from the hospital for a month. After that, I will be working 1 day a week, every other week. What this means is that I'm primarily working the other job now, and recouping my financial loss by working overtime.

Everything's working like it should.

I've been shopping around for a 529 college savings plan. My internet has gone down (again), so I've had to go to UCSD once more, but I should get it back up... (working someone's wireless internet with a password of a type that you're not sure of is a pain. I'm going to move the computer to within reach of ethernet and call it well done. Next time, I'll just use airsniff or some other encryption scanning program and just break into the neighbor's internet or something)

Anyway, I've had a 2 days to myself last week and this week, and what I'm finding is that... if I'm not working, i'm not happy.

I'm not happy about that. I don't like to work, but if downtime is boring like this, something is wrong.

I think I need to be a little bit more satisfied with my personal progress. I've done quite a bit, and have made some pretty aweterrific strides.

But, considering all of it, I think I've come to the conclusion that all this work has come at the cost of my mental well-being. Ever since the marathon of constant work and struggle in September, I have gained bags under my eyes, my mind is dull most of the time, and all I can think of is what I'm going to do next. I don't plan, don't enjoy doing anything, and so forth.

I was looking at my friend's personal sites today, and looked at my personal trail of rubbish that I leave on the internet, and I got such... nostalgia. I remember what it was like back then. How I felt, what it meant to not be working, to be alive.

I keep thinking that this is all going to be over once school starts. I'm not going to work so much, so this is my final stretch of opportunity to make the money I need to make the next two years worth it. I need to work hard for the future.

And then I think about how long 20+ weeks is. Not that much, and I'm getting old. My time is so precious... precious, precious time. I only get to be young once.

I've considered how I treat myself in the context of physical, social, spiritual, and mental. I'm not being responsible for myself in each of the four. It may be easy to create reasons not to do the things I should, but what I need to do is find the reason to do what I know I should do.

It seems like it's OK, when I have a reason, to not do the right thing, but in the end it comes back to haunt me. I need to take responsibility for my physical self, responsibility for my social self, responsibility for my spiritual self, and responsibility for my mental self, or I will pay the price.

Respect and responsibility. That's what it's all about.

Anyway, I hope I remember these things come fall, which is when I usually have a hard time accepting myself. It's my responsibility, so I better do it, dammit!

(Got to go. I didn't elaborate that well on anything in this posting, since I have to go get the car away from the metered parking spot. The city t3h sux (kids still use that notation, right?))

Bye-ya!