Creaky noises make my skin creep. I need to get some sleep. I can't get no sleep.
Ugh. So tired. Lordy lo, how long has it been since I last posted? No matter. Blogging insanity shall be made, under qualifications of fun fun insomnia.
I've been getting up really early in the morning, every day at 5, for the past 2.5 months, and I've found that... (drumroll please?) I'm just not a morning person. I can't seem to wake up and be wide awake for the rest of the day. This makes sense. My parents are night owls, and, over my midteen years during summer, when I didn't set my alarm, didn't have a care in the world, just me and my computer games (such an addictive thing), I noticed that my body would naturally wake up at 6 in the evening, and break down at about 8 in the morning. This tiredness, combined with the stress I have put on myself has really taxed me.
This semester I've been trying my hardest to study study study, to not miss class, to do all the things that a successful student would need to do. Yet, I find I make frequent mistakes due to fatigue. I was going to reassure myself with this semester that putting forth the effort would yield a big return, but I am disappointed. Academically, this is the worst semester I have ever dealt with (though I can easily still be in honors).
Almost everybody I deal with that is going to school is taking a whole whopper of credits. This ranges from the crew team (most of them finishing up their physics degrees of all things, doing 6 upper divisional classes in one stroke of a semester) to your "lowly" CR student (I do not consider them lowly however. A degree is a degree is a degree. For example, Sacramento's community colleges' course offerings are no harder than CR's). I want to join these people. I want to get through school. I know what I'm doing. I know where I am, I just can't seem to put the pressure down hard enough. I need help.
Of course, as they say, recognizing the problem is the first step. I will find what I'm looking for in time.
In the meantime, what am I to do? Well, to get myself more alert, I decided to just get rid of my speech class, and take it over the summer. Between the Jesus Freaks (who only do 1 minute speeches and try to persuade me to convert to their religion when they're only supposed to inform me), the odd ducks (people who spoke on things like how to pluck a turkey, how doing their research paper taught them to value speech, even one person who talked about death (granted, she's a mortician), and the lady's gossip corner (serious overachievers that are actually not doing very well in the class because they're overehearsing, yet seem to throw the class into some sort of emotional discord with their crap...)...
I don't want to give a speech to people who don't care about what I want to talk about. Yet, I will. But, I want to spend as little time as possible. Here comes the summer!
Secondly, I'm looking for a different job. One that pays more as well as is later in the day. If I can just get my circadian rhythm in balance like it used to be... performance will be up. (I'm still getting up at 5 in the morning for work, but I'm not as tired)
Lately, I've been saving up for a car as well as buying ridiculously frivolous things. Example: the past week I bought a 27 inch television (I've never had something that big! Mainly because I would move so much) that was 160$+tax=$200, and a $40 briefcase that was supposed to be $200 for my japanese crap (I have too much japanese crap). Considering that my paycheck is small (7.00$/hr these days) I think buying this much stuff each week is pretty crazy. Add on top of that saving up for that car to replace the current one when/if it dies and... (well, the savings thing may very well go to a trip to japan to teach there. Hopefully my car lives long enough to do that. Though i've spelled doom on it for the past 1.5 years, I think it'll make it. Murphy's law will make it break now that I finally changed positions) I'm doing pretty well.
In short, with my behavior as of late, I have been diametrically opposing myself and my values. But, whatever. I don't care anymore. I'll get it together sooner than I think. And, when this wave of irresponsibility for everything subsides, I will initiate a plan that I've been working on to keep everything stable (hopefully) for a long time to come.
I've been thinking. A lot of people want to get up high in the social structure of our society, want to become important individuals, and want to do this through hard work. Our society rewards hard work, and it's possible to become a somewhat famous person through this hard work. But, I was thinking, what about those who work hard but have no talent? How hard is it for those that have plenty of talent to rise in society? Do they even want to participate in society? Is it useless to try to put in as much effort as possible if it's known that there are others who can easily do it?
Thinking the lazy man's way (cuz he knows how to do it best) it would be best to let those that are gifted do the work for you...
Anyway, as I said before, i'm really tired. Time to go crash... (I remember, when working SO hard at WinCo, how my bed was the most comfortable thing in the world. I went to heaven every night when I fell on that bed. In a way, I miss doing mindless physical labor. It was good for my body, I could think about whatever I wanted because I didn't have to be focused the whole time, etc.)
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