We Will Meet Again

Nergh!!!!

How shall I start this? It always gets so difficult to start one o these bloggies when I haven't blogged in a while. Kind of like how I don't talk to my mother. Not because I don't want to, but I don't really know where to start up because I forgot where we left off. And what's ok to say and what is not? To my mother (of all people)? Sometimes, I just wish she'd give me some motherly advice or something on the phone, but everything is so distant. The conversation always turns out the same: talking to a distant stranger whom I don't know anything about.

So I got out of observational astronomy pumped up, after watching a video that was basically a rehash of things I used to study in my free time back in 3rd grade -- astronomy, the space race, that sort of stuff. I still forget about everything in my life when I get entranced on that sort of material.

It was great, seeing this video on two nations flexing their muscles in an armwrestle of good vs evil (depending on which side you were on). After that, I left to go home. But, I popped in a CD that I hadn't heard in a long time...

Why is it that strong memories hit me when I'm tired and hearing something? A snapshot of my life flew through me. The ideas of the time reverberated through my mind and through my heart. The mournfully joyful song continued to play. A great turn to the unknown. A point where I had just finished working on the incredible days leading up to christmas in 2002. And, on christmas day, I had a break of 7 days. I flew back to Utah, and there, went insane from the lack of work to do. Furthermore, I had built quite an (odd) crew of friends that I revolved around, was quickly falling in love...


That brief snapshot of painful paradise was something I'd try to hold onto till the beginning of November in 2003. All in vain, of course. My god, what a low dip 2003 was! Truth be told, it was largely my fault.

But, before I forget the vivid memories of late 2K2 and 2K3, I want to write them down, here.
I remember experimenting with drugs. Not hard drugs (never!), just mainly alcohol. I remember I was on a buying rampage in November 2k2, and had bought some anime recommended by my friend Ian, how we went into my room and drank this large nasty @$$ awful whiskey (that he later claimed made him sicker than anything else); how we stopped watching the movie pretty quickly (couldn't follow the story line. I still couldn't follow it when I was sober); how I BADLY stubbed my toe on a weight, but didn't feel it though I exclaimed that it was going to hurt really bad in the morning (which it did).
I remember spending a lot of time reading an electronics book, staying up late at night all the time doing all sorts of things, making bread, researching on E2...
I remember falling over my first girlfriend. Though I was really shy, she was really aggressive, and once she overcame my barriers of screwed-up ideas about what women were, changed me.
I remember Will and the 17 or so other people that would all party on down in "the war zone" of Eureka, how they thought I was the coolest person, how I got this weird amount of respect from people I didn't respect at all (it was just... bizarre!).
I remember getting my new pair of speakers for my "new" car that I jokingly told my aunt I would own someday. I remember Will helping me install them. I remember the times I went surfing with Will, and all the times I sat in that f@#%ing golf cart on a rainy day to talk with him (and hydroplane/pop a wheelie occasionally)
I remember everybody spending their evenings at my house to play on my X-Box with sound system and sharp TV... It was sort of annoying but a badge of pride to come home after a hard day's work and go into my room to see... a group of boys sitting on my bed getting obnoxious over a game.
I wonder whatever became of James?





Fast forward to December of 2003/winter and spring of 2004. I was really social then, too. In many ways, that time period was superior to 2003. I had cast off the shackles of my naive utopian vision of 2002/3. There was no limit to where I could go... What could happen? A lot. I did so much during the 5 months of that "golden era". But, I felt so tortured. I mean, I broke up with 2 really close friends, Ian and Kyle, without even telling them to their face that I had decided to do it and why (even I didn't know at the time. In retrospect my only excuse would be that I had reached a breaking point of everybody trying to keep the group together and needed to get out. Though it wasn't really them that I needed to get away from. It was Jamie, who was breaking my heart over and over again.) I am not the best person. I know that. Sometimes, i'm just dramatically unpredictable. I would cut off my own hand if it tortured me enough.

But then again, I would try do it in the most indirect way possible. If surgery were available, i'd do it that way, though if I were stuck out in the woods (like that one guy in Moab) i'd do it myself if I had to.
Anyway, like a severed hand, I had a LOT (A LOT) of guilt, pain, and grief from my severance. To be honest, I got really upset whenever I saw either of them. And what would I do when I saw either of them? Avoid them.
Furthermore, you'd think that, without valid reasoning behind my decision that I would get back together with them at some point, right? Well, it gets a little complicated there. Jamie broke up with me, and because Jamie was linked with those two (in bonds that appeared stronger than with me) I was pretty much stuck not going back. Furthermore, because all the new activities that I was doing (my life was taking a giant leap forward), I didn't really care enough to come back at that point. Though the torment of what I had done still haunted me.


Furthermore, there was additional torment from not seeing my exgirlfriend. She broke off from me on Dec 21 and never spoke to me again. At least, until April. Here, I was still stuck on someone, someone that broke my heart almost daily, someone that I visited every day, and then suddenly never saw again.

That hurt.

For all the pain she dealt, I was still so stuck on her that I visited her blog everyday, until some time after we started talking to eachother again. What's more, I part of the reason that I put myself through so much work over late 2003/early 2004 was to buff up on knowledge and skills, sort of try and impress her if I were to interact with her again.

I changed over that time period in a big way. When we interacted together again, I found that she had not.

And that disappointed me. I had set these expectations of her that she was this person who she was not. Though, the memories of everything that happened over 2003, of her maturing, made me expect her to be different. She had changed A LOT over 2003 (though by the time she broke up with me she was barely the person I first knew her as).
Anyway, as we interacted together more and more, I found her to be jabbing my personality and who I was more and more. So I stopped initiating the conversations to her to see what she would do (which, as a side note, was interesting. She really won't do it on her own. I had a feeling it was an expectation of vying for her time).
She didn't talk to me for a long time. A few months down the road, she talked to me again, and this time I tried to see if I could just be friends, no, I was trying to see if we could establish basic trust (I trust you, you trust me). I was ready and willing to trust her, but what I found was (and this is from my point of view) that she was trying to catch me trying to set her up (in fact, she would out-and-out say "I can't trust you anymore". I knew it was all going to crash after words like that. It all begins with TRUST. If you don't have that, you have nothing). Almost like she was trying to find me guilty of doing something against her. Why? Again, this is my speculation, but it seemed like she had such guilty feelings for hurting me so much that she figured I was really angry with her underneath. She was always wary of that, and then she "pinned" me with something, I don't know what, that I wrote in my blog. To this day I don't know what "it" was that I wrote, but at this point I don't even care. She always presumed me guilty, just kept making the pain and agony reverberate.
And, at least I got to meet her a few more times. Enough, at least to feel a completeness in my process of mourning. I don't think about her everyday anymore. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. And, sadly (because I know she's a person who has a lot of potential), I know I'll be going much farther without her.
(and I learned an important lesson: don't get into relationships before you get through the gauntlet of college)

And thus ends that chapter. I feel pretty complete again, save for one thing.

Whenever I see her, (or anyone that's on a desist from interaction order), my heart leaps, and my body gets to racing. Sheer dorkitude, I know, but I also, at the science fair, saw her and not too much later got my blood pressure checked: 133 over 90. That's fairly high blood pressure. And I know it's not that high because I get it checked at other times.

My "enemies" are gonna kill me. Or, at least shorten my life span.

And it's so stupid. I mean, in the end, nothing really matters. Nobody really matters. We're all gonna die, all the same (yeah, I know, I should turn into a goth. Gloom. Gloom. Gloom). One human being to another, it's just so stupid.

When I say you're going to die, I'm trying to say that these people will not be your enemies forever. I'm not saying that when you die, that's the end of it (though that's certainly a possibility). I mean, most religions will show that people will have an altered personality when they go to wherever it may be. Your enemies may very well be your allies.

And, in the end, I really don't hate anybody. I mean that. In my life, there's only 3 people I still don't like and that was back in the 9th grade. (they made my life hell in 8th grade). I wrecked their social standing at the highschool that I went to when I would bounce whatever negative attack they made upon me by showing the rest of the school what kind of assholes they were. I made them REALLY unpopular. To this day, they move to a completely different aisle at the movies or avoid me at Wal-Mart whenever I see them during a visit to Utah.

But, overrall, I think they were just dumb kids at the time. Mainly, I believe there was a lack of understanding, and that if we talked in this day and age, we could solve the problems. Ninth grade wasn't an easy year for most people, after all.

But I've digressed. Back to my main question. Why is it that I avoid people that I have an imaginary "desist" order on? Why does my blood pressure spike? Why do I panic?

Could this all be linked to my abusive stepfather who I tried hard to avoid (though it was unavoidable. In his spare time, he'd manipulate us kids to do bad things to eachother to discipline us, as well as create all sorts of stupid rules that were brutally enforced)? Could this be that I was always the new kid? Could it be that I'm just a wimp?

Well, I know I wasn't always a wimp; At least physically. Because, definitely, I was a mean mother at school when I was younger. I fought a lot. I was stuck with the wrong crowd of kids (and, later on when I got thrown into a wayward boys home when I was older, found them there and at worse places). I used to cause fights just for fun. But, overrall, I was the cool kid that did what nobody else would. And, for that, I was respected.

And then came my stepfather, who broke me and everybody else down. People ask me and my brother why we're so well behaved, and I usually point to my stepfather. That man has taught me well what the wrong way is through his horrid actions.

To amplify it all, moving around didn't help me much, either. Always being the new kid made me the one to be picked on. I gained a high tolerance for that... but as time wore on, and I went through more schools, I found a way to just observe people without interacting. I'd rather be left alone (and lonely) than picked on.

But now the times have changed, though the imprints during my childhood still linger.

And all of these things combine to create this individual who hides his dark side, who flees when he sees something that he has convinced himself he doesn't like, and so forth.

And he doesn't have to feel that way. He makes himself feel that way.

Anyway, it's late but I'd like to make a note here. I sure do talk about these people a lot. Why?

I'll think about it for a while.

But now, it's time for the story of Paul.

Paul always hung out with me, my bro, and Erin. And, I've noticed that, over time, he has drifted away to his crew buddies.

And I would applaud him on this. I'd like to see him grow, be independent, whatever. Whether I'm in the equation or not doesn't matter to me. But, this group of people is starting to affect him in ways that bother me. He is becoming like one of them, yes, but that's what I'm not liking.

This group of people... they're "elite", cocky, drug using people that expect certain sorts of entertainment -- and above all they expect to win whatever they're doing.

Now, I think that it's cool that they're all 18 year-old physics majors, taking 6 (and more, for some!!!) upper divisional classes, all being half to 3/4 the way to getting that bachelors (I keep thinking that I should go sit in on some of their lectures just for fun). I applaud the fact that they work out HARD when they go out and do their crew meets.

But, It irks me when they always play to win, and when they're not winning, they're not happy (what happened to just having fun???). I don't like how they have to hit a whole slough of parties on weekends to have fun, and I don't approve of the obsessive amount of alcohol and caffeine tablets that gets taken. Above all, I hate how they can't be bothered with people who aren't as "smart" as they, (not that I get rounded in the group), and how they tease such people. Good god!

I am a champion of the loser I suppose. Paul and his group like me, and I'm welcome to attend whatever they're doing, but I really don't enjoy their presence; they're too stuck up and full of themselves. And that's not good.

I dunno. My mind is always dynamic. I'll always find a way to disagree with you.

I have had more (alleged) enemies than ever these days, and it's not that I did anything hateful, it's just that I stopped bothering to talk to them. Granted most of these people came back and are my friends again, after saying they hated me, but I wonder what's going on, or is it just my apathy towards everything?

My relationships with women are receding, and I just don't care. I don't bother to talk to them sometimes. The ones I used to talk to regularly and entertain (enter guacamole face!) get upset when I don't communicate, and the ones that care about me at school seem to have given up now. I cared about them, but i'm so apathetic now. I dunno...

I was once a crazy socialite, and now I'm a recluse. I'm such a swinging pendulum of torrential chaos...

I just want to do my schoolwork now. I'm working on finding a way to just be a student, hammer out the degrees, get to japan, and do what I want to do(I have figured out what I want to do with my life FOR SURE. It's been the same these past 3 months. I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO! YAY!) No more bullshit work. That's the VOW i've taken. I will find a way.

All the crap I bought over the past 6 months has done nothing to help me, and I got plenty of stuff that doesn't cost anything to enjoy myself with. It's time to quit working hard for this worthless stuff.


As for the morning, me and Evan are learning to make turkey. Should prove interesting (I've heard of one person that puts the turkey in a plastic wrap, seals it, throws it in the dishwasher, and has moist turkey in the end).

Ok. I've been awake 20 hours and I'm dehydrated (which is why the writing has been bad as this article gets longer)

Off I go.

There's something to remember, and something to forget. As long as we remember, there's something to regret