Not Pictured: Fat people Eating Deep Fried Candy Bars

So I woke up this morning SUPER tired. I haven't felt so tired since I started this job. I don't like the manager.

I was so tired this morning that I barely worked. I walked slowly. I had hit my limit (finally, I know I have. I was wondering if it was still there)

My manager doesn't really care. He's like a politician. He promised every department grandiose things, and he has yet to deliver. Then, he turns around and neglects. Neglect. Neglect. Neglect.

So I barely worked today (due to fatigue). Fortunantly, while the checkstands were getting hammered, the cart dept. was barely getting scratched (few people came in. The people that did come in stocked up heavily). Dezzie had overallocated, and needed someone to leave. So, I left.

But not before seeing Ian's mother.

I have reneged to talk about Ian for a long time. Before I forget my reasons, I'd like to write them down (hence a whole bunch o crap follows)

Mainly, he isn't going anywhere. Not now at least. I really need to get going with life, and (with Jamie) I was chained. Partially this was my fault. I was stuck on Jamie, and was lost, too (Love's a powerful thing). But, friends have an impact on me (I sometimes joke that I'm just a conglomerate of all my friends (as well as my friends are like onion layers. But I digress)). I knew the way out. I HAD to get away from all people that would deter me from reaching my goals and dreams; I had to get away from the psychological hole I dug.

At the time, He was swirling a bunch of friends around him, exerting a (passive aggressive) alphamale presence. I don't think he was trying to, it just turned out that way. The group of people around him started revolving around him.

Ian has an odd choice for friends. One I intensely dislike (Estelle: she's messed up), and the other I was indifferent to, even liked at one point (Kyle). Jamie fell in suit, too. I suppose there's more characters in the cast now, though I really don't know (nor care).

Anyway, to top off this grouping of friends, I was being shoved out, mainly by his group of friends (Ian's just not one to get rid of people). All my strengths had either been played out or were not valued (the bulk being not valued). How can one hold his own against that?

There were never any invitations for me to hang out or anything, specifically towards the end of my time. What's more, others were hanging out for long periods of time with him, and it seemed like I was not welcome when I decided to visit. Of course, I was too depressed and malnourished (I always slept because I was quite hungry and sad, for instance) to be in anybody's thoughts when the topic of fun came up in childrens' minds. Most of the "fun" that was being had was annoying , anyway, but just the feeling of not being welcome...
I noticed that no one was there to help me out when I had my problems. Poor Jamie this, boo hoo that, was something I heard often. I remember a few times when my thoughts and everything were genuinely requested, but I couldn't explain my dilemmas. I saw no point in talking to people about things that were beyond my control. I just needed help riding out the storm, but mainly the storm was being intensified by Jamie and her heart-string pulling. There was nothing I could do at that time. Ian didn't really hamper my storm riding, but Jamie sure did.

Lesson #1: Never mix your friends with your girlfriend

Towards the end of my time around him, Ian began to intensify the storm. It wasn't much, but when you tally the stress load exerted by my group of friends (just 3 people at the time. It was a tremendous amount of stress, too), combined with my overrall stress of life, it was the straw that broke the camels' back.
One thing that sticks out in my mind is when he wouldn't do as I told him to do during a critical moment. My sister was whacked out on what we found to be speed, pot, and alcohol, and he wouldn't stick by me. It caused a lot of trouble with my sister, because he gave her fodder to show me that I was "wrong".
He didn't support me with Jamie. I remember finding him and Kyle driving up to Jamie's house when the end of an episode of pain had just passed, and I was about to leave. What the fuck were they doing there? Obviously, he wasn't really on my side, because, judging from the expressions on their faces, and the tone of words coming from Jamie's lips, they didn't want me. I was the bad guy.

He just wasn't giving me any needed support. Worse, he was giving support to those who would do me harm. There was just this back stabbing thing going on consistently. That busts my chops.

About his group of friends: I cannot be subservant to anyone. Friendships have a lot of give and take to them, and I recognize this. But, I have too large a grouping of friends to be stuck underneath anyone. I got too much knowledge, and I work too hard to be a follower. Now, some of my friendships would be impossible if both me and the other person did not agree to remain autonomous, but the way this hole was being dug, I couldn't be autonomous. There was only a one sided mutual respect pact happening, and it was a shitty deal for me. So I broke out and left.

I won't tolerate being jerked around like that. I can't tolerate being jerked around like that. Mostly it was his friends, not him, so he didn't do much wrong.

But a man can be judged by the company he keeps.

One side note: I was drawn into this group of people with a set style and routine. I am a wildly dynamic individual. That is the way I adapt, grow, change. When I stuck to one group, I could not adapt, grow, be different. I stagnated and died. That is why I must be independant, with no alpha male bullshit.

Anyway, so I saw his mother today, and she was really kind to me. Kind of struck a small twinging chord right here in my tickah. I never came out and said to Ian, "Ian. I hate you. Your toes smell of ugly vegetables. I hope I never see your face again." I always tell people when I think it's time to split ways, so my breakup was weird. But, the way I broke up had a small side reason. I told Jamie that I wasn't his friend anymore when she wanted to arrange a getogether, so I could get the breakup plan going. I decided I didn't want to interact with him right then and there, in her room, not just to get the breakup in order but also because I didn't value him much as a friend (he was rotten).

Whenever I see Ian or his mother, they're always welcoming. They don't hate me or anything.

In the end, mainly I was just stuck being a bad guy and saw no other way out than to terminate everything before more harm was done.

Would I ever get back together with him? Mayhaps. Regetogethers have happened before in my life, and are completely possible. But would I do it? He's proven to be a faithless friend, he's linked with people I hate, and he's a real drag on my life. If I got back together with him, it would probably be a long ways down the road, if he ever broke up with those people that cause too much commotion.

On with my daily proceedings:

I went to Gonsea to try imperial chicken. Supposedly, according to Zack and Tim when I talked to them a long time ago, it is the most popular dish there. It was ok stuff, though Mongolian beef still rocks my boxing ring (was that a flutter just now? huh huh huh....)

After that, I went to Sensei's house and studied in my car (he wasn't home). I fell asleep and was awakened by sensei. I went into his house, slept (hoping that I'd be awakened when class was to start), but awoke 1.5 hours past the class start time. He decided I shouldn't do japanese today (...) ( I really need to get this show going. But I am so burned out. I don't know. I haven't really done jack today. Just total rest and relaxation for once)
I left his house when I found out that I wasn't doing any nihongo, though I found that he had stuck communist pamphlets into my japanese textbook as I drove. I don't think I'm gonna be communist right now, as I don't know where I lean. Sure, It's a liberalist lean right now, but I don't think communism in its present form works as well as capitalism right now. It certainly isn't worth the chaos that would explode from a government reoganization.

But, I realize that businesses treat me like a part in a machine. They don't care if I break or not; they'll simply replace me. Reminds me of something my grandfather said once: "Imagine that a company is like a bucket of water. You stick a clenched fist into the water. You take your hand out of the water. Did it make an impression after your hand left? That is why you should never completely devote yourself to a business"

So I came home. I played Breath of Fire 4 a while, hung out with Paul and Ben (both have been working hard) and now... I'm here.

Yeah, I lack humor today. But I'm burned out. However, this rest and relaxation is badly needed. It has given me time to reorganize my strategy, and A rebound is due soon

Good times are predicted on the weather chart (It's strange how bad times are sudden and pass by quick, but good times are predicted and last a long time)

time to go back and whittle away at the big sleep. Though I'll probably go watch more halo movies on winamp

Liars are people who have something to hide
D.